blog entry: my life in medicine
Hi blog! I have been paying next to no attention to you for so long. I thought letting go of a few things in life would mean more time for me, for this blog. For the wonderful people I met through you. Alas, it just didn’t happen.
You know what’s been on my mind lately? That medicine is one of the most sought after undergraduate degrees in my country, and there’s this picture portrayed by every single person you meet, doesn’t matter who you talk to, and this picture is beautiful. It’s nearly divine. No flaws, angelic vibes emanating from just the word “doctor”. You almost believe it. I mean, everyone does. Anyone and everyone wants to either be in med school or want their kids and their kids’ kids to be enrolled in medical school; all for that coveted title. And it makes me sort of mad.
Medicine is not all unicorns and rainbows. It’s not just a few years of studying, like any overachieving kid (or so I assumed) has been pulling off for 12+ years. It’s not just getting that degree at the end and it’s all uphill from there. God no. What gave people the idea that it’s that easy? I wouldn’t want to ever discourage anyone from medicine if they’re passionate about it. But this pretty picture that’s painted in my country needs to be updated. It needs to address at least raw facts. *sigh*
I will, however, speak from my experience. I have been busy with or working on or studying something or the other for the past 4+ years. There have been times that I didn’t talk to or see my family or even share a meal with them for over a month and yes, I live with them. There have been times that I felt like I didn’t have time to give a split second to myself or my health or remember if I had eaten. There have been times that I got rejected 99 times for every 100 applications I sent out for a research position or whatever and it did affect me. There have been times that I couldn’t talk to or meet my friends for nearly a quarter of a year because I was so busy, and good God we go to the same university. There have been times I have doubted myself to the point that I thought I wasn’t cut out for medicine, for surgery, that all the work I have put in was for naught. So, in my case I can safely say it’s not as glamorous as people make it out to be. It’s tough and it can take a toll.
I guess what I am trying to say is I haven’t been able to balance it all so well. I do love this field, I am irrevocably in love with neurosurgery. I love that I am in a career which is unmatched in its ability to influence people’s lives the way it does. It’s a privilege. And at the same time it can be tough getting ahead in medicine, particularly surgery. And I know that it’s not a realistic aim for myself to want to excel at everything and anything I try but would it be so bad if I came a teeny tiny bit close?
I have been mentally drained trying to study for Step 1 which I have now pushed to later in the year, trying to work on my research project, applying for electives in the US as an international student with little to no luck so far, doing my best to stay healthy, trying to study for my university’s exams and making sure I pass, trying to socialize with my close friends and failing, and trying to keep my head up through it all. You know? It’s just. It’s. Not. Easy.
I guess no one really talks about the struggle or really reminisces over it once they succeed but I would really like to relate to anyone who has ever been through what I am going through and just understand. I just want to know that I am not the only one struggling to keep up with all the demands of medicine.
So yes, I get mad when people assume how simple my life must be studying medicine. To those people I say, I just don’t get you.