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fornootherreasondave

tonycurtis

james: did you beat him, by the way?

jeremy: yeah.

james: good man.

Phantom Dominant: Catharsis Part One

Two years ago, I was on Fetlife, minding my business, dodging aggressive Dominants and embarking on a new world of exploration when I got a message out of nowhere. It was from an older gentleman from Manchester, UK. My initial thought: UK? WTF? I had never even heard of Manchester. But oh what the hell...a friend is a friend. He offered his guidance and assistance as seeing that I was new. I instantly felt at ease with him since he wasn't looking to dominant me as he was already in a monogamous relationship with his slave so opened up to him without holding back. I opened up about my race, my size, my kinks (to an extent as he could already see what my kinks and interests were). I never thought that he would be using this against me, to his advantage, to seduce me. At the time, I saw him as an ally, someone I could confide in and turn to since he seem experienced in BDSM.

As I said before, my Fetlife profile had my kinks and interests listed but I never revealed my non-kink interests such as my hobbies, books I’ve read, movies I love, and music. The About Me section was less revealing in the specifics of who I was, just stating that I was exploring my sexuality after years of burying myself. He asked all questions and dug into who I was. I told him how I was experimenting and using clips on myself. It didn't take him long to suggest that we move to KIK after that.

Over the next month, we talked everyday about a range of things, bonded mainly over music, and had a couple of cyber play sessions. The intensity builds and my feelings swelled for him. I was immediately drawn to how creative and imaginative he was with his texting. He would use descriptors to show action, reaction, or emotion which made him feel like he was there. This wasn’t just in online play sessions, it was with everything. Our regular conversations, he would make it known that he was either chuckling, smiling, raising his eyebrow, etc. To me, a man that does that wants to make the online environment that we are in real to bridge the gap in the distance that was actually between us. Even to this day, in his absolute absence, I feel like he’s still with me.

There was no way that it was this easy. I'd met someone who understood me even more than my husband of 8 years. He understood what I was going through, made promises to nurture me, that we would grow together, and develop a relationship that would last for years. Time goes by and I give him my submission for the first time.

That's when it all changes...to be continued

Phantom Dominant: The Cancer of My Soul

I have been reading over my past journals that I used to send to The Phantom Dominant and I came across this one. I completely forgot that I sent this to him back in January, or at least I thought I did. It is good that I found this serves as a reminder that I am on the right track to moving forward.

You couldn't care less if I stay or if I go. You had no intention of calling me daily. You had no intention of using my journal to see inside my head to truly get an understanding of me. You just wanted to use that against me for your own benefit of manipulation. You don't want my heart. You don't think I'm beautiful. You don't want my soul. You don't care about my thoughts or opinions. I'm not interesting to you. You aren't fascinated by me. There was no bigger picture, no long term relationship. You couldn't care less if I missed you. Needed you. Wanted you. Long to make and hear you laugh. See you smile. Make you happy.

You couldn't care less if I wanted to share my whole world with you and that I wanted the same from you. You don't care about spending time with me. You don't care about my schedule or what I am doing. You don't care about building a relationship. You don't care that I cry every time I talk to you because I don't have your full attention and will never have your full attention. You don't want to protect me. You played on my emotions just to keep me around as your little puppet to play with whenever you bored. You don't care if I destroyed myself emotionally. Truly suffered for you. And for you to suggest that I am not the only one who's suffering, in whatever the fuck this is, is laughable.

You have nothing to lose.

And the biggest slap in the face...you saying that I've made a difference to your life! I am going to be honest. You hooked me with that. You know that's all that it takes, playing on my soft, romantic nature. I'm not going to deny it. I wanted to believe, with every part of me, that I meant something to you; that I make you happy but I don't. All lies. There is only one person that does that for you and I'm not her.

You truly made me feel like you wanted me so badly almost borderline needing me. And you knew, all along, that this wasn't going to last long. You knew I would give up when you got bored with me and started to slowly fade to black. Yet you'd always pretend to be there, to be open to talk about my concerns; that I am free to say and ask you anything. You couldn't care less. You are more than happy when I chicken out and change my mind so that you don't have to deal with coddling me. You don't have to deal with any of this mess. You don't have to be here for this foolishness.

The conflict in me that you claim to love so is only because you can walk away from any responsibility of my own destruction. You worked the strings, and I self-destruct. There's no trace back to you. You can go back to your merry life as if nothing ever happened. How convenient for you being all the way in England, taking up with a girl that you will never meet, never guide, never mentor, never care about, never worry about, never ...truly take her (and the relationship for that matter) to depths it potentially could go because you couldn't careless.

The joke is on me. I really did feel like I could have had a fulfilling relationship with you. I've said it before. It felt right. When I had you all to myself. I had high hopes but I feel defeated because this was just a game to you. I meant nothing to you. I really wanted this to work. I wanted you to be him because I never planned for you. The way you just walked into my life and every thing clicked without even trying. It was effortless. You knew what you were doing when you messaged me a year ago. You clocked me right out of the gate. I suppose from the moment you saw my profile, you knew you could have me feeding out of your hand. Mess with this little girl's head, she's new, make her believe that she's something special, siphon love, affection, and devotion from her, use her naughty thoughts against her, and make her think that this could go somewhere. I guess I am not immune to the oldest trick in the book.

Hardest thing is...I know you probably won't read this. Or if you do read this, you won't see it has a cry for you. The man that I so foolishly put on a pedestal. A man forever lodged in my mind that I will spent the rest of my life trying to get rid of. You'll see it as the squabbling of some dumb girl you harpooned from 5000 miles away. Who cares, right?!?

You've done your damage with me. Why don't you just go back your slave? You've shown me that she is your main focus. The only one that matters to you. The one that you wouldn't hurt. The one you wouldn't embarrass. Does she ever have to doubt you like I do? Does she have trust issues with you like I do? Does she ever have to worry about this shit like I do? I am going to assume that the answers to some or all of these questions are NO. Am I right?

But don't worry. You don't have to explain anything. Oh, wait! What am I thinking. You never do. I expect you to disappear. That's if you actually read this journal. I am the fool and you played me. Well, done.

A lie with a heart of truth is a powerful thing.

A powerfully destructive thing. This reminds me of you. I hate that quote. This journal is product of said lie, my love.

I deserve the night off.

wordsnquotes

I think it’s important to realize you can miss something, but not want it back.

Paulo Coelho (via wordsnquotes)

I Wish

While I am going through this transition of getting over someone, there are things that I wish he would have done to make it easier. I know he was not the one to make things easy. But I wish...that he would have told me to leave him alone, "don't ever come back, do not contact me." That he wanted nothing more to do with me. That he found someone else on top of who he already had (and treasured) and she made him happier. That he never really needed me but just wanted me to fill a void. That he would have told me that he needed attention that he wasn't getting from her. That he would have told me that getting over me would be easier than getting over her because she meant so much to him. That he would have never met me. That he was never coming Stateside to tie me up and have me six ways from Sunday. That he never intended on having a future and that future meant twelve months. I wish I didn't have a dream about him dreaming about being with me. I wish that I didn't fantasize about him. I wish that I didn't respond when he sent me that message. But the experience and the lesson supersedes all these wishes. I have to learn. That's important. That should be my focus.

God Save the Queen

Oooooookay, I just caught myself whistling this anthem. The mind is a powerful, suggestive thing. Naughty brain. Stop that!!

Reminds me of someone I love

Submission is Earned

Reminder: Trust comes before Obedience

To Do List

50 Shades of Grey (research needed)

BDSM community reaction

It can seen as a newbies guide to red flags and what to watch out for in the lifestyle

"Fun" Dom vs. Lifestyle Dom

want to get your BDSM rocks off (fun Dom)

something deeper (Lifestyle Dom)

Nothing wrong with Anastacia

Everything wrong with Christian Grey

how he handled it vs how he should have handled it

her virginity

her lack of BDSM knowledge or interest in participating

the contract red flags/walk away (needs of the few vs many

why did he pursue her when she expressed disinterest

Distaste

I realize that I force myself to like something to gain the interest of someone else

this does not apply to my previous relationship with UK Dom except for cutting my hair to get his attention (which did not work)

this is a reflection on non-kink/non-BDSM interests

example: playing certain video games to gain someone's attention when I have no interest in playing it (Destiny/Mesquite asshole)

there is nothing wrong with expressing my distaste or just simply commenting that something no longer interests me

if it's a dealbreaker, so be it.

I will take an interest in something new, try it out, give it a chance, but ultimately, if I don't latch on, it's just not going to happen.

The Hubs Chronicles: Frisky

The Hubs was very frisky tonight. He literally ripped the clothes off my back as soon as I came in. No rest and relaxation. Just attack mode. It has been two weeks (interruption by the Crimson tides of womanhood). It was wonderful. We fucked 4 times. Once when I got home and three times before night night. After he came inside me, he was still very hard and wanted to keep going. While the cum was still inside me. I love it when he gets like this. I didn't put up a fight like I usually do. I allowed him to take charge and instruct me. It's a relief to let go and submit. I believe that I am growing. Aaaaaand getting sleepier. My words don't make sense. I want to dream about MK John though.

Fellow Travelers

I have to let go of this mentality that people I make or have made connections with will stay in my life forever. I have to treat them as fellow travelers that I share a ride with. We have conversations, a few laughs, maybe more but then they've reached their destination as I have yet reached mine.

If they stay with me that’s wonderful, but I shouldn’t hold that expectation.

I've been talking to a man who taps into that side of me and makes it a "blast." That should concern me. His whole deal is fun, but the things that we talked about last night were spectacular. The Test Subject. White Lab Coat. Surgical mask. Black rubber gloves. Ice Cream and Hot Fudge. Dual pissing. Dual masturbation.

I came three times without touching. More on him later.

TPD: Release

My thoughts on The Phantom Dominant

I came to the realization today that when he released me, he was exercising the dominance that he had been teasing the whole time we were together. He was in absolute control because I felt bound by it, helpless... I couldn't think. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak even though I felt the need to want to say something that would get him to stay with me. In that moment, I stopped breathing. We were done. I was over him. But the residual memories stayed with me and that's what I have been fighting with a flamethrower to burn off. The vestigial gunk is starting to crack and slough off. The layers underneath is starting to pulse with blood again.

The Phantom Dominant

At times, I feel like he's calling to me to come back to him. I know it's all in my head...so I throw myself into busyness. Work helps with that. Writing. Spending time with the hubs, the dogs...this all helps. But sometimes when I go to bed, he pops right back into my head again and the fantasies come on. awakens memories. His voice returns. I don't want to be consumed by a phantom dominant. I know it's all in my head.

The Hubs Chronicles

All week, he's been running tests on his new computer rig and then he decided to run some Ds tests on me. Testing limits and discovering what makes us tick. The look in his eyes when he was smacking my breasts with the heavy metal ruler. He even said that he threw the count of the smacks off on purpose so that I wouldn't get used to it or be able to anticipate when the big smack for connect. Aside from the fresh bruises and soft bottom, that was the sexiest thing ever. I even gave him the feedback that I loved that he thought like that. I hope that he continues down that path. I want him to shape his own dominance with just a little finesse from me. I already see it taking shape. Our relationship has been hard for the past few months but that doesn't mean that is the end. He declared today that we are going to have misunderstandings but that doesn't mean that he wants to leave me or doesn't love me anymore. We've gone through a lot of changes in the past year and he has opened up to so much more than what he had initially declared in the beginning.