hey cutie ;)

jasmine she/her queer ig @jasmineflannerahh

[the-mighty-birdy-deactivated202]

Physically I’m here but spiritually I’m lying in a Waffle House parking lot somewhere in rural Kentucky, slowly bleeding out from several stab wounds

[hotcommunist-deactivated2019032]

last night I was denouncing some forgettable shitbag to my girlfriend and said “even the ground wouldn’t want him to rot in it” and was instantly projected into the body of a gnarled old irish woman 200 years ago, spinning thread and spitting on the ground as I bitch and look out to sea.

[cuddlingwithsatan]

When you bitch so hard you astral project intobone of your past lives

[threebigolsausages-deactivated2]

Someone ahead of me on the escalator farted and I had no choice but to let my body be dragged through the entirety of the fart. fuck this

[inactiveari-deactivated20170924]

cant wait til im 30, on a balcony in a foreign country, drinking wine, wearing nothing but a silk robe, & have filled 18 notebooks

[gorps]

Raccoons should have guns I think

[pyomorphic]

they will

[pukicho]

If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that’d be a neat noise 

[luteyandthemermaid]

i beg to differ 

[pukicho]

Then Beg

[slimetony]

I am using all of my concentrated psychic energy to give jeff bezos a migraine

[revolutionarytea]

Some guy in Ancient Greece, pointing at a perfectly climbable mountain: There are gods up there!

The rest of Ancient Greece: Sick, no need to fact check that 

[tonightweredrinkingfromthebong]

[rarebritney]

Me *methodically peeling a clementine orange* i bet someone is watching me do this and falling in love with me right now

[fakehistory]

Passing of the Federal Reserve Act (1913, colorized)

[hollowboobtheory]

imagine hearing “hall of the mountian king” for the first time in 1875. the sheer chaos imagine being some norwegian aristocrat and sitting down for a nice day at the symphony and getting your entire wig and life snatched right before your very eyes

[dankmemeuniversity]

[flourescentbadolescent]

*makes eye contact with a pretty girl for more than 5 seconds* me: yes,,, my soul mate. i can not believe it, here in this Burger King

[asomdpoakdoakd-deactivated20180]

why would i fuck a demon? simple, the status. imagine rolling up into hell already havin had ur back blown out by one of their own. imagine you and a gang of other losers standin at the gates of hell, they’re all crying, scared to death about having a pitchfork up their ass for eternity and you just walk into the arms of your sugar demon? legendary.

[exceptionals]

me after doing some impulsive shit that i know im gonna regret later: its called being spontaneous

[thebootydiaries]

me: *grabbing seaweed out of the ocean with my bare hands to impress cute girls on the beach*

girl 1: oh my god, that guy is grabbing seaweed out of the ocean with his bare hands

girl 2: really?? is he crying??

girl 1: only a little bit

girl 2: wow thats hot