Another empty feeling, but i locked in.
I was about to go and write my empty feelings then post it, until one friend replied. It instantly made me feel better when it was just them saying they just woke up and will hop on soon.
I still wanted to share how i felt, i honestly dont know why because the major sense of emptiness and void is lighten to where i dont feel the desperation to write here. But, i feel a sense of...duty? Im not really sure.
As of recently, I suddenly locked the hell in. I started crocheting to where im almost finished with my current project, and started writing my indie show so much more that i could actually see this project posting being finished, unlike in the past where i felt completely hopeless.
After a mentally laborious day of writing from the moment i woke up, to when my mother came back home with KFC that evening. But i did not eat, i simply wanted to continue writing and i still dont know why i suddenly started writing more. It confuses me because i felt incredibly empty inside despite having a productive day (which is what i always want) where i made significant progress on my project that i feel will be life changing, if successful.
I felt so unfulfilled to where i realised how my brain felt today, and these other days too. Simply apathetic.
Perhaps thats one of the reasons why i wanted to keep writing and crocheting, to distract and bury my mind in work. Because when i eventually was forced to give my mind a break and finish my work today, I felt so fucking lonely. I felt desperate to go and find a friend to talk to; there was no one that was available to even hear the cries of my mind. Let alone anyone to comfort me.
But at least, there is a friend i can talk with and distract myself with. Although, at the end, im still reminded why feel suicidal.