christine + ism @christine-ism - Tumblr Blog

September 13, 2024 8:08am

I know my daily body temperature and that I’ve ovulated. Everyday is a wonder about whether this is the cycle or not.

We waited 3 cycles and have now tried 3 cycles and I am days away from knowing if we need to try for a 4th.

April feels like yesterday in some ways, the experiences are still barely under the surface.

In a few weeks I would have had a due date, and in a month after that I would have had another due date.

And now it feels like we will never get a chance again.

We should have tried again in May. We should have tried last year.

It’s hard to not be consumed in this, to not be consumed in my own body.

Since then my spin instructor announced she is pregnant, along a very similar timeline to what I had. Onno was born, Michelle is expecting in February, and Hannah and Davis are having a little girl.

A lot of the time I feel like a sore loser and want to just cut everyone off and start life anew somewhere else. But I can’t do that, and is that the type of mother I want to be?

I’ve had so much inner dialogue questioning if I am suited to be a mother. Do I speak and think the way a mother would. Do people around me think I am suited to be a mother. Am I still a child, childish, a baby.

Right now I feel like a baby because I am near tears constantly it seems.

Top of the roller coaster

Of the roller coaster the past few months has been, I am currently feeling at the top. Still nervous but its a nervous that could be excitement. Maybe some disbelief. Haha

I’ve been offered an interior design position at a firm that I have been following for so long, and one that I’ve looked up to for so many things. Today they expressed that they wanted me on my team and the feeling I have is

Me?! Really?

What a crazy next step this is in my journey... one that gives me real confidence that I have value.

Self-doubt is a constant for me. I am always an imposter and this feels as if there is a small light starting to shine, some glimmer, that I have the confidence to take up space, to ask questions and not feel stupid, to feel supported on a team and flourish.

high strung

why is it so much easier to trust that negative feelings will be had.

things are a roller coaster and I know that, yet I seem to trust that the bad feelings will come back more than the good feelings will. I am nervous now, but when the time comes for me to be brave, maybe I won’t feel so much panic, and maybe it might even be exciting... so why worry now?

i have been suspended in limbo for a few months now and it feels exhausting.

working full time, while finishing school, and working part time on my side hustle since February has put me on such a high string.

i’m tired and i want to feel settled again. hopefully soon.

panic

Challenges make me want to puke, a panic sets in.

Things that should be exciting and positive cripple me with fear and I don’t know how to feel or see anything else.

A couple hours later..

Feeling less panic about this contract offer and confident in the skills I’ve been showing over the last 3 years. Of course, I needed to bawl it out for a bit and it probably won’t be the end of the panic feeling, but I need to get a grip.

I need to remember that my initial response to things is 100% not an accurate feeling to what is actually being presented to me. I need to give it time to percolate, to process, and breathe.

I forget to breathe a lot. I need to zoom out of my life and see a bigger picture, a larger view of my life to realize how insignificant it is, and then find relief in that.

I’m not facing the end of the world, or preparing for an immeasurable responsibility.

I am only being asked to perform the duties I’ve been performing for years now.

An Old Outlet

Just over 3 years ago I posted my last post on here. I had started my new career in interior design. A complete newbie.

And last week was my last week at that job. Serendipitous timing for me to hop back on here and feel the need for an old outlet, a place to write, a way to tap into my stream of consciousness again. Mostly to navigate this uncertain time.. as I start my own business that is a blank slate.

I started Studio June this month. Part of me cringes at the thought of this term “business”, as if it’s not yet a real business, or a business means seriousness and stress.

I want Studio June to represent something different and more fun. I don’t want to get knots in my stomach thinking about it, like I’m going to puke or get stuck in a panic. I want it to make me feel like summer sun on my face. The warmth, the excitement, the peacefulness...

I want it to grow, evolve, and transform with me. I want it to represent all the things I love, and all the beautiful things I want to share with the world.

#yeginteriordesign

This year is full of major changes and my career is one of them. A month ago I left graphic design behind and started working full-time @redfroginteriordesign conveniently located 2 blocks from my home. I love going to work everyday and I feel very lucky to have found a great mentor who has gone above and beyond to show me the ropes. #yegdesign (at 124 Street, Edmonton)

#yegdesign

My condo is listed for sale today. I hope someone will appreciate this space the way I have over the last 4 years. It's been the most wonderful place to grow 🌱 (at 124 Street, Edmonton)

final touches 💥 #yeginteriors #siberianforestcat (at 124 Street, Edmonton)

#yeginteriors #siberianforestcat

Winter on repeat 🌨 #yeg (at River Valley Kinnaird)

#yeg

home ✨ #creativelifehappylife (at 124 Street, Edmonton)

#creativelifehappylife

A great day cross country skiing in the mountains. My longest trek to date.. 10 km! ✨ (at Canmore, Alberta)

plant goals ✨🌵 #yyzliving (at The Printing Factory)

#yyzliving

✨ (at Leslieville)

My little Junior is a whole year old today! He has brought so much joy to my life and I can't wait for all the adventures we have coming our way! #junior #siberianforestcat ❤️

#siberianforestcat #junior

gathering places ✨ #yyzliving (at The Printing Factory)

#yyzliving

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