What's a 👑 to do

[christmasnoose]

on a whim a few weeks ago, i decided to reach out to my grandma on my dad's side and ask her why my dad has never gotten my number or email address from her to talk to me. she immediately forwarded the message to him and he replied to her saying "it was the first [he'd] heard about [me] asking why he hasn't reached out" and it was making him nervous and crying at the thought of talking to me, but that he was excited to finally talk to "my baby girl!!!"

and then i never heard anything. typical, honestly.

i think my dad abandoning me left me with this giant hole to fill, and i filled it with the misplaced hope that he wasn't the same person who left me as a baby. i imagined him as someone who showed up for his sons, who made his parents proud, who made people laugh and made the world better. i imagined that the reason he left me was because of the ill will he had toward my mom, and that once i became an adult that negativity would disappear. mostly, i imagined him as someone who fucking follows through with something.

at first, when a few days passed and i hadn't heard from him, i started to outwardly worry. "don't worry," mitch said, trying to console me. "writing something like that takes time." so i gave him more time. and then a week went by. and then it was 2 weeks. and i started to realize what a fucking fool i was for ever believing he was going to do anything other than vanish.

i cut my uncle out of my life last year because he treats everyone around him as if they're disposable, including my grandma. my aunt has likely multiple undiagnosed mental disorders that cause her to literally only think or care about herself. we were originally going to move into our house with my grandma until we realized we couldn't help care for her, so she feels more distant than ever. the only person i have even a little is my mom, and she does try sometimes, but for the most part we have a transactional relationship, despite me flagging for her multiple times that she only reaches out when she needs something.

so the prospect of having not just a dad but MY DAD--being able to say the words "my dad" and have them not just represent some distant figure off in the pacific northwest--seemed like a solution to my lack of family. like finally i found an anchor onto which i could hook a rope that wouldn't slip away regardless of how hard i pulled. there'd be my dad. my fucking dad.

and then he reinforced the fact that aside from mitch and his family, i have absolutely no one i can rely on. there's no one there who can help me or save me or listen to me vent or i can call when i'm crying in my car.

i used to be really grateful for being an only child for a host of reasons, but as i get older and grow further apart from my family, there's another part of me that feels so ripped off for not getting to have someone who knows what i went through who i can talk to. friends leave. they stop replying. their lives move on without you. but family is supposed to be there forever and for anything. i've never had that. if i'd had a sibling who knows, maybe they'd be even more fucked up than i am but at least there'd be someone.

anyway, tl;dr: my dad is still the worst.

[christmasnoose]

We close on our first house in 2 days and I can’t sleep thinking about my future roomba zoomin across my house because I’m so freakin excited

[christmasnoose]

I can only post about this here because I can’t tell my family because they’re honestly too greedy and needy to be excited for me BUT: Mitch and I got preapproved for a mortgage this week and we toured 2 houses and made our very first offer on the second house and it was accepted yesterday morning! I have a ($1,048 😡) inspection scheduled for tomorrow afternoon and once that is over, we will just have to wait for our lender to do his paperwork and then we will have our own goddamn house. We’re prepared to negotiate with the sellers if the house doesn’t do well in areas of the inspection so as long as the house is not in immediate danger of blowing up its pretty secured that we have a house!!!!! My mom and grandma currently live with some guy they met on Craigslist and I know they’re going to want to move in with us once we get a house and Mitch and I have discussed it a lot but we decided we don’t want them living with us because my grandma is getting old and will need professional care within the next 2 years, and my mom is the type of person who would think she never needs to look for another place to live if she moved in with me, and I don’t want to live with her for the rest of her life. It sucks that we’re in this position. Most people buying their first house don’t have to hide it from their families because they’re worried their families will immediately make it about themselves.

Neither my mom nor my aunt (50% of my family) got us anything for our wedding. My aunt said she’d send me money but never did—one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone says they’re going to do something nice for me and then they don’t and suddenly I’m the asshole if I ask about it—and my mom flat out just didn’t get us anything or say a word. I would’ve been happy with an empty card but she didn’t even do that. She also wasn’t there on my wedding day when I needed help getting ready, so I don’t feel much loyalty to her these days. She also only contacts me when she needs something and it’s pretty transparent.

Anyway, the house we found is so beautiful. I’d be so fucking thrilled to not live in an apartment anymore!!!!!!!!!! Also what an adult id be 🤩 it’s a block away from some of the most beautiful views of the city and it’s like actually <5 minutes from my office 😵‍💫💃🏻

[christmasnoose]

Fucking AMAN unfollowed me on Twitter and I’m fumin!!!! I haven’t seen him in over 2 years BUT STILL

I was finally able to delete him and his wife from my social media feeds and I feel so fucking FREE

All he ever does is post about the glamorous parts of his life to make other people jealous and it reminds me so much of how performative it felt to be his friend at times

[christmasnoose]

I just realized like 15 people I met on tumblr who I thought were still mutually following me on Instagram had unfollowed me, probably years ago

I vengefully unfollowed them back and I really am asking myself: when did they get sick of me? I only post pictures of my cute af cat so honestly good fucking riddance. I clearly need to weed out Twitter as well. At least when these bitches have deleted me from fb we both get to forget about each other. I’m SALTY

[christmasnoose]

Man in the last few years I’ve grown so retroactively resentful of my mom for cheating on my dad. Not necessarily for ruining their marriage but for her selfishness being the reason I don’t know my dad’s side of the family and the reason my dad isn’t part of my life.

I’ve done this fun thing every few years or so since like 2007 where I google my dad because that’s literally the only time I find out anything about him. I haven’t done it in a few years, but the last time I did I remember he had a new mugshot for burglary. But the thing that caught my eye was this phone number that kept popping up as being associated with him. I think I saved that number in my phone. I don’t even remember what I saved it as, but just in case he ever tried to cold call me I wanted to be prepared. I find the fact that I saved a number in case he calls me one day to be so sad and naively hopeful. He’s not going to call.

My family really disappointed me at my wedding. Out of the 30 people there, I was only related to 4 of them, and 3/4 managed to either irritate me or piss me off or just somehow ruin the day. My mom and grandma live together about 45 minutes away from the wedding venue, so when they arrived in the morning to get their hair and makeup done I assumed they brought their outfits in the car. They did not. So they made the 45-minute drive back home and then got dressed and then were fucking late coming back. I’d told them both the night before that family pictures were the next day and what time they were, and they still managed to show up late. Then my bitch of an aunt started the day picking a fight with me because of “how I talk to my mother” ??? Mind you this is the first time I’ve seen my aunt since before the pandemic and my mom hadn’t even arrived yet. Then my aunt got her makeup done by the makeup artist who is clearly one of my good friends, like I was chatting with her and it was obvious we were friends. After getting her makeup done, my aunt left to get dressed and came back later with all new makeup on and proceeded to complain about what a waste of money it was to get her makeup done and how bad it was. I was sitting there with makeup by this artist on my face and I had to just act like she wasn’t being fucking rude. Then when my mom showed up late she was in a terrible mood in front of Mitch and some of his family which was so embarrassing. My grandma and mom naturally left the wedding as soon as they could so all that was left was Mitch’s family and a few of my friends. My grandma is really much more impacted by her age than I’ve realized. She could barely stand for more than 2 minutes at a time and she had to stop during family pictures to eat and sit down before she passed out. It was a rough reality check. But once my aunt started bitching about her makeup I started to realize the Prosecco we’d been taking pictures with wasn’t so bad, and then I drank 4 more glasses. I did throw up later but it was one of those vomits where you feel way better after and can keep chugging along. I enjoyed the wedding because of the alcohol.

I’m glad to have finally gotten this off of my chest. My family fucking sucked at my wedding and really only reaches out to me when they need something. Everything I need and want from a family I get from Mitch’s family.

[christmasnoose]

I wrote this thing on medium about how challenging it is to respond to people who randomly ask me about having kids and so many of my coworkers commented on it thanking me and saying I was a good writer 🥺 and then one of my favorite English teachers from hs commented on it saying “brilliant! Well done!” and I wanted to LOSE IT OH MY GOD WHEN THE PEOPLE WHO TAUGHT ME HOW TO WRITE TELL ME I AM WRITING WELL I’M LIKE…I HAVE ACHIEVED THE PEAK. I CAN RETIRE

[christmasnoose]

Wow I can literally only post about this here but Jesus Christ there is something really real about adulthood when you see someone who you thought you were friends with post Instagram stories celebrating their bridal shower that you actually never knew was happening. Very interesting. Ty for telling me we aren’t friends without telling me we aren’t friends. I understand now. I’m mad for wasting a wedding invite on you

[christmasnoose]

So it’s 100% that Mitch and I aren’t having kids. It’s been close to that really since we started dating, but he’s grown closer and closer to 100% certain these last few years. There’s a part of me that wants him to realize that by making his choice of 100% not having kids, he’s also making that choice for me. I can’t be 95% sure with a 5% chance of maybe one day if he is 100% no. Kids have never been a priority for me or anything close to a dealbreaker. as an only child who grew up around adults, I’ve frankly never even known how to talk to kids aside from hello. They fuckin terrify me. They’re way too honest and also so goddamn impressionable. I remember how instrumental total strangers were on me as a kid, even randos I’d see in the grocery store had an impact on my life.

But there are so many reasons why I know I don’t want to have kids

Childcare costs are more than our current living expenses

The dedication required to be even a decent parent is more than I’m willing to give

This world is actually a fucking dumpster

I don’t trust my family to help and I wouldn’t even trust them with my child on occasion because they’re irresponsible (i.e. I wouldn’t want my kid around my mom)

My life would go from being about me to being about someone else and no matter how much I love them, I feel as if I’d resent them for it and it wouldn’t be their fault

My relationship with Mitch wouldn’t make it if we had kids because he doesn’t want them to such an extent that if I made it a requirement of our marriage, I think he would give in but then we would divorce shortly after because he would resent me forever for making him be a dad when he doesn’t want to be. This is one of the biggest reasons for me personally. I don’t want to be a mom more than I want to spend the rest of my life with Mitch.

I’ve recently found being an adult to be basically like being a kid only now I have the money to do the stupid shit I wanted to as a kid, like buy Pokémon games and smoothies from Jamba Juice and go wild on crateandbarrel.com without it demolishing my bank account. I do not want to give that up because I had so little joy as a child that it feels fucked up to think I’d ever sacrifice it again.

I’ve learned so much in 7 years about white privilege, and I know I have so much more to learn. The idea that I think I could possibly raise a white child in an anti-racist way while also focusing on myself and furthering my own journey seems unrealistic and like a way to let down both my kid and myself. I’d also be bringing another white person into this world and the trauma/privilege associated with that…we don’t need another white kid strutting around like they own the place, thanks. Even though I would try to raise my kid in an anti-racist way, I know I’d fail too, and witnessing my failure in the form of my kid fucking up sounds awful.

I love my cat more than basically every person in my life, and I grow devastated at the thought of him ever being hurt or anything worse. I actually cannot imagine feeling something even more deep for a person knowing that there will be nothing I can do when they hurt. I don’t want to feel that for someone because of the capacity for total heartbreak. The idea that I’d have unconditional love for this person by virtue of being their parent, coupled with the idea that the older this child becomes the less they will want to even talk to me, is so goddamn painful.

There are countless additional reasons, but these are the ones I’ve been thinking about lately. There is one small part of me that I’ve had to let go in this realization, but it’s not one that couldn’t be helped by a healthy few days of playing the sims: if I had kids I wanted to name them Lux, Luca, Luna, and Lua.

But y’all cats can have those names too 🤩

[christmasnoose]

y'all remember how I posted yesterday about my "friend" ripping me off for the beautiful cake I made her and giving me $45 when I damn well deserved at LEAST fifty? well mitch and i were complaining to his sister about it and his sister told us that her best friend carley was once asked to do a painting of a couple she knew and the woman asked her to buy lots of fancy paints for it and then she gave carley THIRTY DOLLARS AND THEN a few weeks later the couple broke up and the WOMAN HAD THE audacity TO ASK CARLEY TO PAINT OVER HER EX BF WITH HER DOG and carley said only if you pay me more and the woman called her rude and that was that

[christmasnoose]

I made this beautiful ass cake for a friend who was gonna order this cake from Milk Bar and asked me to make it instead. It costs $54 from Milk Bar. My friend asked me to splurge on good creme fraiche and butter and she’d reimburse me for the ingredients. I told her the fancy ingredients were an extra $20. Guess how much she paid me?

FORTY FIVE DOLLARS. SHE THOUGHT MY LABOR AND SWEAT AND LOVE FOR THIS CAKE (due two days after my wedding no less) WAS WORTH $25 IF U FIGURE SHE GAVE ME $20 FOR THE INGREDIENTS. TWENTY FIVE BUCKS. That’s it.

I learned a lesson: do not take someone up on making a baked good unless you give them the price you think it’s worth beforehand. I was expecting at least $50 and felt like the world’s biggest idiot chump when the Venmo noise came in at $45. $45!!!!!!!!!!!!

[christmasnoose]

I love venting here because it’s basically me talking to myself but like 1-2 people I met online in 2012 will react to my thoughts approx 24-48 hours later

Anyway in prep for my wedding I’ve been thinking about what I’ve always wanted at my wedding etc and that caused me to think about friends I’ve had who always talked about being in my wedding and vice versa and it made me think of my old/ex friend j*****n

Disclaimer: she ended our friendship because I said a horrible thing to her in a moment when we were arguing and at the time my comment wasn’t intended how it ended up being received but the point is that the comment ruined our friendship and I was told to never contact her again

My dumbass ignored that advice and sent her an email 2.5 years later seeing how she was and apologizing for what I said. She told me she thought my email was pretty self-serving (it was) and that she meant it when she told me to never contact her again

It’s been almost 4 years since I sent that email. I won’t ever reach out again because I feel like I owe her that much. It also taught me one of the most valuable life lessons I’ve ever learned: your words can end relationships you thought were eternal.

She blocked me on every social media channel known to man, so when I get curious about her I have to google her like she’s some rando I just remembered from 4th grade. My internet sleuth skills led me to see that she has a kid now.

It’s so fucking weird when someone you grew up with becomes a parent. I don’t even know her kid’s name, but I know by virtue of having a kid that the person I grew up with doesn’t exist anymore. I know we won’t ever be friends again but that point was really hammered home when I realized the person I was friends with isn’t even that person anymore. When I think about how I miss being her friend, I’m smacked with the reality that not only is our friendship never coming back, but that friend and person I knew is gone forever.

I was best friends with her from about 2008-2015. Seven years. This august will be seven years I’ve been with Mitch. It’s hard to believe that I spent as much time with her as I have with him.

I never really processed the fact that we stopped being friends because I didn’t have to. I had Mitch for the times I’d get lonely or sad about not having her around, and eventually it just became the new normal. It’s only now that the wedding is around the corner that I’m thinking about how I can’t play any forever the sickest kids songs at my wedding because she won’t be there to get the joke. Or talk about how we will be sitting together in the nursing home. Or reflect on that one time she had Maika Maile from TFT call me and tell me the cheesy pickup line: “girl are you a library book? Because im checking you out”

During my googlin I found out that before she had her baby last year, she was in a terrible car accident that totaled her vehicle and left her with some ugly injuries. She had a gofundme set up. It was weird to see this really vulnerable part of her when she’s now so cold and shut off to me. Some of our internet friends donated. She was pregnant when the accident happened and the fundraiser didn’t mention anything about “our” baby, so it led me to believe she wasn’t involved with the person who got her pregnant. It was incredible how much info I was able to at least make myself think I was seeing by just reading her words again. It was sad to see her in such a predicament. I can’t imagine being pregnant and totaling a car at the same time.

It’s also hard talking about this situation with Mitch because he and her never got along, so it was very much “thank god, good fuckin riddance” on his end. He has little sympathy for me because he thinks she wasn’t fundamentally a good person, and it’s really hard for me to navigate that landscape because I know she is a fundamentally good person who just has flaws. Like most of us. He doesn’t know what it was like going to middle school and coming home and talking to her on aim for hours while we made MySpace layouts and listened to all time low. He didn’t go to warped tour 2010 with us. He wasn’t there when we first met at the MSP airport and we had the exact same sunglasses on and she complimented my hideous jeans with holes in the knees. He doesn’t remember the sound of her squeaky voice when she’d tell my mom she loves her back. He wasn’t in the car with us when we drove across the country for her to relocate her life here because of me. He never saw her and I getting drunk off of cheap vodka in college and trying to meet men who weren’t awful. There is so much of my development that centered on her and having her in my life. I’m grateful she was around for the time she was, and I’ll always wonder how things would’ve gone differently if I hadn’t said what I did.

But I’m finally letting go. I hope she has a great life and only thinks back to me to think of good memories or to bitch about me to her current friends because lord knows that is one of her core skills: grudge holding (this sounds so passive aggressive and petty but she was really one of those people who loves it when people she’s cut out of her life try to come back in for any reason, and she loved to flaunt that she has the upper hand).

[christmasnoose]

I’m gonna walk down the mf aisle to a string quartet version of dog days are over and I am so excited

[christmasnoose]

jic anyone was desperately wondering: we decided on lovely day by alt-j as our first dance song!!!!

[christmasnoose]

my mom just smoked a bowl and the first thing she said after it was “you know how i know they don’t have a cure for cancer that they’re hiding from us? patrick swayze would still be alive if they did.”

[victorious]

[brakoff]

I can’t even read what this says

[simoncowellilluminati-deactivat]