Musings

Busy Hands, Busy Mind

[chronically-idiotic]

I can't believe it's been a year without you

It brings me to tears that I've forgotten what it felt like to hold you

I pray hoping God will let you know how much I miss you

[chronically-idiotic]

No, actually, fucking off IS a part of the artistic process and NO I cannot skip it.

[chronically-idiotic]

Sometimes I come back to this place because no one here knows me. I feel like a child, hiding beneath my covers from the rest of the world

[chronically-idiotic]

It's not enough

It's never enough

I dream of walking out into the white snow covered streets

I dream of meeting God in quiet slumber and beneath open sky

I dream of being warm within the cold

[chronically-idiotic]

It's you! It's you! It's always you!

But what about me...?

[chronically-idiotic]

You're working hard but it's not hard enough

You're doing you, but it's not good enough

[chronically-idiotic]

You know what?

Fine. Treat me like a failure in your eyes

And a failure is all I will try to be

[chronically-idiotic]

I am battling my mind

And I am losing

[chronically-idiotic]

We're not really friends anymore though, are we...?

[chronically-idiotic]

I know you can’t handle me

I’m sorry you feel you need to

[chronically-idiotic]

I just want you to love me

But I'm not sure you got it in you

— Slothrust, Rotten Pumpkin

[chronically-idiotic]

Could you love me the way I love you?

The way I want to crawl inside of your skin

The way I want to hold your bones

How can you hear me when I don't make a sound?

[chronically-idiotic]

And curse the world in all it's cruelty to create me this way

Brimmed with passion, consumed with love and life and care and loneliness

Because to love is not the same as being loved

And it is a lesson I have learned in time again and again

That you can't drive your heart on empty and expect to get very far

That not everyone is like you

[chronically-idiotic]

I just want someone to see me

I want someone to listen

I want someone to love me the way I love them

[chronically-idiotic]

Tell me, why did you do it?

What could I have done, if anything?

Because you were me and I was you, if only for a moment.

For a lapse in love and life. A split within the creek where we may have divided or intertwined.

Was your pain mine? Is mine what yours was? Fresh running water beneath our fingertips

Beneath the same night sky

Beneath the same moon

Beneath the same breath

[chronically-idiotic]

I hope heaven is real, if only for you to swallow the goodbyes you never got to say

I hope that your new hellos are sweeter than any milk and honey

I hope you know that I mean it when I say I'm sorry

[chronically-idiotic]

I know I'm a disappointment

Nobody ever said I'd be getting out of this alive