My Decent Into Madness

So here is the deal. I was diagnosed with cancer. I am diabetic. And I figured I would document my descent into madness dealing with the stress. Friend came up with the hash tag.

[chronicdescent]

I feel as though another chapter has closed in my life. After my four year cancer check scan I went to the banks to remove my wife’s name. It’s been over a year since her passing and it was finally time (in my mind). The first bank was compassionate and efficient in closing out our joint accounts and re-opening a new account for me. The second bank (which I was primary) should have been easy, and it was for most part until the pressure to upsell me the bank card.

I just wanted to remove the name. Not add extra and I wanted to hold it all together and do what needed to be done.

Another chapter closed in my life. Hoping the scan comes out clean. Taking girlfriend out to dinner tonight to put this all behind me.

[chronicdescent]

Karma

I lost my wife due to the flu (of all things) 10 months ago. 5 months ago I met this wonderful woman that gave me a second chance at life. I swear I am in a coma. This wonderful person is everything I want and need in this second chapter of my life. The universe put us together. The universe says we were meant to be together. At lunair faire a Wiccan vendor made the comment that we are a cute couple. Yesterday a vendor in high end rock shop gave me matching stones for us as we looked so happy together. This woman fulfills my needs, gave me a new reason to live and enjoy life. We are happy to sit and do nothing but chill and watch tv. We are happy to go out and find new adventures whether that be dinner out, finding a museum, hunting down covered bridges or a night of wild sex. The universe, goddess, or whatever put us together at this time in our lives when we both needed it most. She shows me her world and I show her mine. Things keep popping up that just match us. It could be a silly set of gnomes that make us laugh, a stone carving that called to me. A necklace or a ring. Everything that just appears and calls to me is a perfect fit for us. I cook again. I look forward to weekends again. I look forward to spending time with her. I am sure my late wife is up there happy I found someone and I am sure she is also rolling her eyes at the sex we have.

[chronicdescent]

I want this day to be over. While I was initially excited someone sent me a bunch of pictures of me with my late wife and while the pictures were lovely and brought back memories it also caused a breakdown. Tears. Emotions. Etc. girlfriend helped as did her daughter as I went over there to open presents. Came home by noon to start cooking but honestly I want this day to be over. My emotions are in turmoil, my brain is just not into cooking a big meal. I am alone in the house save for the pets. The roast is in the oven. The veggies are cut and ready to cook. My guests show in about an hour and all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up. While I don’t really mean that as when emotions are not haywire I have a wonderful girlfriend that treats me fantastically and got me some wonderful gifts.

[chronicdescent]

To those that celebrate a very merry Christmas to you. To those that celebrate other ways a very happy holidays to you and your family.

I have not been on much. The holiday season is easier than I imagined after losing wife to the flu of all things. Not Covid!! But the flu. I met a woman and we have been dating and I swear as I call it my coma dream. We have much in common and it is my second chance at life at my age. Been through cancer, been through spinal fusion, knee surgeries and countless other medical issues and this woman is a godsend.

So merry Christmas and life continues.

Not even hash tagging

[chronicdescent]

Alone on a Friday night. Gf is with her daughter so went for a two mile hike with shadow. Then went to doggy park. Came home and sugars were way low. Diabetic if not following me. So started cooking and eating and throwing out what I cooked and cooked something else and threw that away while eating chips and price of toast and then said fuck it and had ice cream. Now I feel miserable as I binged with no one to tell me I was doing this due to low glucose. So I sit here alone in a darker house missing my late wife. In a month it would have been our anniversary. Would have been 33 years married and 36 years together. Still a strange feeling being alone in the house with nothing but my brain going to dark places. Yeah. I know I am ranting and all over the place but now my sugars are too high and I should just go to bed

[chronicdescent]

I believe I may be in a coma and just living in a dream world. Let me explain.

Almost 6 months ago my wife passed away after we have been together for 35 years. A month ago I met this woman online, she contacted me first. We have a great deal in common. Our sex life is amazing to the point that I almost can’t keep up. Too many things are what I would dream about. I expect my brain made this all up and I will at some point wake up. We were comfortable together from the first meeting. I make her smile and she does same for me. She pays for dinner occasionally so it’s not one sided. She took me kayaking for first time and I enjoyed it. No red flags of any kind on horizon.

[chronicdescent]

Widows and widowers brain is real. Live in a fog.

The human Brain is your own worst memory. First it flakes and prevents you from doing simple tasks and then once it starts coming back into focus it decides everything you do is wrong. Second guess things you know is correct. I went on a date yesterday. Had a great time. We connected and had a great time. Today is massive guilt for having fun without LW. It’s been 5 months since she passed away. Why should brain make me feel guilty. I should be able to move on, but I miss her so much.

[chronicdescent]

Went on a date tonight. LW birthday is tomorrow and half way through dinner I started feeling guilty about being out with another woman. Don’t get me wrong. I have had many woman friends that I would take to dinner or even travel with when wife was alive and she was busy. But this felt different. Almost 4 months since she passed. Her birthday is tomorrow and I went to a place we frequently dined at. I am home now and I miss her so much I just want to die.

[chronicdescent]

Just 7 weeks since wife passed away. It feels like forever since I kissed her. Forever since I spoke to her. Last night the “United States of Al” had an episode of the father getting a gf and ended with him speaking to dead wife at her grave. I cried. Triggered badly. Tomorrow is her memorial and I will be a wreck.

[chronicdescent]

Bad day. Miss her so bad I wish I was dead. Alone in this world. I just don’t care any longer. Tears would be gone if I did not exist. Pain would not be within me if I did not exist. I am tired of feeling this way

[chronicdescent]

Two months since I lost my love. Passed away from the flu. Not even covid. As a PSA for all couples married or not. Share passwords, share logins, make sure beneficiary names are accurate. The first month is horrendous. Being alone. The loss, the grief. Two months later the pain is there just not every minute of every day. The loneliness is there daily. Trying to keep busy. Trying to meditate and it seems to help. The paperwork is still there. I wonder when paperwork will be done. Also bills. I got a 1300$ bill for mobile ER services. It just keeps being back the pain when things like this show up.

[chronicdescent]

Depression sets in. When someone passes in life friends all come out to support. People helped me. People came over to see if I was ok. But that was when I was in shock. Now that depression phase of grief has set in I rarely hear from anyone. I actually get more support from twitter people I have never met. They offer words of support and I thank them for that. Right now loneliness a d depression is my only friends.

[chronicdescent]

Triggers. I have no clue what will set me off. Yesterday a comedian was doing a routine on radio about Christmas and I started tearing up. Today a couple came to look to buy her motorcycle and after they left I completely broke down crying. I miss her. I am alone. 😢

[chronicdescent]

Took a long walk today with shadow to clear head. It was in the 80’s today. Very warm for april. It’s difficult to have any memories of my wife. It’s so difficult to look at pictures or vids or memories of her. I got her motorcycle started in hopes of selling it. Not smoked or drank since she passed away. I have lost 35 pounds which is good as A1c will be low for doc endo. I miss cooking. I miss doing things with her. I still have to clean out rest of closets of her clothes. Waiting for the pain to stop. Waiting to someday live life again.

[chronicdescent]

Bad day. I miss her so much. I just want to die

[chronicdescent]

One day short of a month since wife passed away. My life consists of missing her and watching tv and reading while cleaning out the house. Trying to declutter the house of things not needed. Paperwork. Paperwork. So much bullshit paperwork when someone dies. I shake just going to mailbox to see what I have to fill out.

[talochin]

My scale sends its readings to an app. Seems I have lost 19.2 pounds in last month. Lost 32 pounds in last two months. While I don’t think this is safe I am not hungry, have no appetite and depressed. Went out with friends today (I was invited). Ate a few spoonfuls of corn and chili bisque. While it was good they got to talking about my wife’s passing. That was the end of appetite.