This shit is too much, i can't work properly, i can't live properly, everything i do i have to be beaten to make it. If it were for myself ? I wouldn't do anything, that needs to change. This can't be it, that's not the life that i want nor that i deserve nor that the people i love deserve. I wanna do things cuz i like it, cuz they make me happy. Do things cuz it's my body and i want it to be beautiful/good. Going shopping cuz i want it. Going to work cuz i wanna work to have a life that's worth living for. I Wanna do that shit for me, but i don't know how i would be able to do it....
Most certainly i have to live alone for the first time in my life, to learn all the things that I'm not learning. I'm just following orders, which is working, but that can't be the solution. I need to do things for myself and fuck things up to grow out of my childish shell. But i don't want nor really can live alone. I'm scared, I'm panicking when thinking about it. No one that loves me is near me? Completely alone? I don't know how i should be able to handle that. I don't wanna live alone, but i think i have to. Just to learn certain things.
But i love them so much and i don't wanna seperate with them ever. I wanna life together with them. Never be alone again. Be together for an eternity.
I should have never got in a relationship of any kind. Every relationship fucked me up to an extent. I always want to live for others. That should stop, because otherwise i can't get a life i can enjoy. But i don't want to, I'm panicking. I love you, and all the other people that left me all the same just hidden somewhere in my mind. I would crawl back instantly to everyone cuz i have no self respect. I just wanna be loved and cared for, but i need to that for myself. Question is how?
prguitarman
amandla
blakekathryn
gracieabrams
romaincrisis
jacobvanloon
ellievsbear
