You're chatting with a random stranger. Say hi! You both like Hamex. [2:44am] Heating's out and you're not home. Again. HH [3:07am] Little busy, Hamish. Mess with the thingy behind the panel by the microwave. Or something. I'll be home. AM Oh, he replies! Wonderful. HH I've messed with the thingy. It's not working. HH Did you pay Ted? HH Oi, now is really not the time for this. AM I think 3am is the perfect time for this. Did you pay the landlord or not? HH Well, I think 4am is a much better time, but whatever. Yeah, in theory, I paid him. More or less. AM "In theory"? HH You either paid him or you didn't. HH Technically speaking I paid him. AM Just not all of it. AM Why not all of it? I give you my half and you pay him. /On time/. That's how having a landlord works, Alex. HH There was something I had to take care of. He said half was fine. AM Well, half obviously /isn't/ fine, because our heating's not on and nor is our fucking hot water. HH Where are you? And what are you "taking care of"? HH It's just a thing. Nothing important. I'm almost done. We can talk later, alright? AM No. We're talking now. HH So /talk/. HH Wouldn't you rather wrap up in a blanket and sleep instead? Go off to happy Hammy dreamland? AM I would rather my boyfriend be home and not keep loads of fucking secrets from me. HH Talk. Now. Or I'll change the fucking locks, and don't you dare think I won't. HH How do you plan on changing the locks at three in the fucking morning? AM I'm doing my fucking best, leave me alone. AM Where the fuck are you? HH A place. With people. Angry people. People who want to bash my goddamn skull in. AM I'm not going to leave you alone! You're not supposed to keep secrets from me, so you'll fucking tell me what all this is about, all this... staying out late every night HH [delay] You're bar fighting again? HH Just go to fucking sleep and don't think about it. AM You /lied/ to me!? HH Yes! I lied! Surprise, you're dating a piece of shit! AM [severely long delay] You've been awful to me these past few months. HH You told me to "trust you" and "wait it out" but now you're being a cunt. HH Hamish, I'm sorry. I'm really, honestly sorry. There's shit going on right now. I just need some time. AM Yeah. You can have time. HH Don't come home tonight, and don't come home at all. HH Please stop. Please don't do this right now. Please. AM I'm on my way back right now. I can explain everything. AM You know, it's really fucking funny, because, like, I thought you were working late. Every night, for so long, I thought you were working super, super late so that you could buy something like an engagement ring. HH Stupid. So fucking stupid. HH Oh my god, do you actually think I'm going to work my ass off to buy a fancy fucking ring? Hamish, if I'm going to fucking propose to you, it's not going to be with a glorified rock! Fuck! That's neither here nor fucking there at the moment though, so, fuck! AM I have been working. AM No, maybe you wouldn't, but you've always known I love engagement rings. So I thought you might, like [delay] Forget it. Just fucking forget it. HH Jesus, I feel like such a cunt and I feel like an idiot and I am so fucking embarrassed so just please don't come home and just find somewhere else to sleep or live or whatever. HH Shut up, I love you and you know it. AM I'll stay somewhere else tonight, okay? AM "Wouldn't you rather wrap up in a blanket? Go off to Hammy Dreamland?" "leave me alone" "just go to fucking sleep and don't think about it" HH Yeah. Really feels like love. HH You haven't told me that you love me in months. HH And here we are, and it suddenly comes out because I'm making you stay somewhere else. HH Don't you even start this, Hamish. Fucking stop. You're mad. I'm mad. This isn't going to go well. AM I swear to God I can explain this whole fucking mess. Right now though my goddamn head is on fire and I probably need to see a doctor. AM I'm angry because you've been a shitty boyfriend. A shitty, shitty boyfriend and I don't deserve this. HH Yeah? You brought it on yourself, though. If, maybe, you hadn't lied and you just didn't go back to that shit, you'd probably be fine. HH No, you really don't. I've been telling you that since we met, you know. I'm actual shit. I'm the second worst human to ever breathe. You deserve someone so, so much better than me. AM I really didn't ask for what happened to happen, I can promise you that. AM But it happened and you've been lying and you've been out late every day for weeks. HH I deserve better. And finally I'm realising it. HH What the hell do you think I'm doing, honestly? AM I don't know, Alex, and right now, I don't care. HH Hamish, I'm going to tell you what's going on. I'd love it if you could not blow up on me. AM I told you, I don't care HH Are you sure? AM [delay] What, then? HH My dad is back. I dunno why he's here, but he's in town. I'm kind of losing my goddamn mind. AM [long delay] And? HH I may or may not be involved in a little bit of illicit activity? AM You're working for him. HH Yes and no. AM When did he come back? HH Dunno for sure. He called me about two months back, said he was in trouble, and then it all went to shit. AM And you didn't think to tell? HH I didn't want to tell you. AM I could have, but I'm a selfish cunt and didn't want you to leave me. AM [severely long delay] Maybe HH Maybe if you'd told me, then? HH I wouldn't have. HH Great to know that now. AM I fucked up. AM Don't you understand? You're only telling me this now because I told you to stay somewhere else. You want me to pity you and pick up the pieces which I /always do/. HH You're high? You scream at me? You feel bad, I help you. HH You drink too much? You break things? You feel awful, and I pick up the smashed glass. HH You /laugh/ at me for thinking I might get a fucking engagement ring, and HH Hamish, I've been sober for a fucking year. AM And you've been hiding shit from me for months. HH Yeah. AM I fucked up. AM [long delay] Find somewhere else to sleep tonight, and HH And for the foreseeable future. HH I already have a place to stay. AM Can we talk tomorrow? AM Please? AM Whoever you're staying with will let you stay longer than just tonight? HH Surprisingly, my father loves me, so, yeah. AM [severely long delay] Oh, just perfect. You're staying with the mass-criminal. Brilliant. HH I'm sorry. AM Also, I love you. AM I mean that. With my everything, I mean that. AM [delay] I'll get Ian to bring your stuff. I'll pack it all up. HH So, you don't want to talk this through? AM I want your things out. HH Okay. That's fine. AM I still love you. Can we talk? AM I'm going to sleep. HH But I want to ask one more question, and if you dare lie to me I swear to God I will never, ever, ever think about this, you and me, ever again. HH And I'd rather you just come clean about it now if you did rather than lie, because that'll make things worse. Okay? Please? Just... tell me the truth. For once. HH We haven't had sex in months. Have you been with anybody else? HH Tell me the truth. Please. HH Okay. AM Fuck. AM Yeah, kind of. AM That's a yes, isn't it? HH [delay] Who did you have sex with? HH A woman named Arianna. It was for a job. AM For a job? HH It was two weeks ago. AM Define "for a job". HH Yeah. She runs a drug smuggling thing. AM Or, rather, she ran one. AM So you had sex with her. HH Yes. AM Did you enjoy it? HH Don't lie. HH Hamish, I'm really, really fucking gay. AM I know, but don't lie. HH I assume you probably did anal with her, so. And you got it up for her, so who knows? HH It was gross. But I mean, yeah, my dick liked it. AM Yeah, no. No anal. AM It was your dick and a hole, so. I guess it was something you enjoyed. HH Kind of? Fuck, I don't know. It wasn't shit, though. AM Okay. HH Glad you apologised. HH That was sarcasm. Because you haven't, yet. HH I'm working up to it. AM If I hadn't asked, you wouldn't have told me, would you? HH If it's something you don't need to know, then no. I wouldn't have told you. I don't want to hurt you. AM It wasn't like I cheated on you. AM You just made me laugh. HH I'm crying, too. HH Okay. Um. HH Goodnight. HH You haven't let me say I'm sorry yet. AM Why would you? It's not like you cheated on me. HH The only emotion I felt doing it was shame. And a little bit of nausea. AM Hamish, when we're together you know how I feel. We've talked about this. AM That was just a physical thing. Like fucking a tree stump. AM I would really appreciate it if you didn't try to justify yourself? HH Can't believe I thought you were going to propose. HH I'm sorry. AM Night. HH Please don't go to bed like this. AM Please don't keep texting me. HH Alright. Goodnight. I'm sorry. AM ~ [7:18am] Am I allowed to text you yet? AM [severely long delay] It's been three hours. HH Yeah, well, the sun is up. AM Too early? AM Yeah. Too soon. HH Give me some time. Please? HH Will you text me when you're ready? AM Yeah. HH Yeah, I will. HH Alright. Thank you. AM ~ [three weeks later] I am seeing a boy called Harry. He is an architect and he knows how I like my tea. HH Fucking hello to you as well. AM That's good, though. AM He's a nice guy. HH Yeah, yeah. I'm sure. His last name isn't Potter, right? AM Hah. No. HH Jenks. HH How are you? HH Ew. Sounds a bit like a disease, doesn't it? AM I'm breathing, which is nice. Dad left last night. Dunno where. I have a dog now, though. AM Still living with him? HH You have a dog? HH Yeah. His name is Bumblebee and he pisses himself when he gets excited. AM If Dad makes it back alive then yeah. If not, it's just me and Bumblebee. AM Bumblebee. That's HH That's very sweet. HH Harry has a dog. A little one called Pete. HH Aw, I'm sure he's adorable. AM He is. HH I'm guessing you wouldn't be open to a doggy play date? AM Yeah. Harry's really nice. Really gentle. Kind. HH He always likes the food I make him and he doesn't drink at all. HH He never shouts, and he barely swears. HH Are you dating the fucking pope, Hammy? AM Apparently, yeah. HH Incredible. AM Now would be a horrible time to mention I miss you, wouldn't it? AM I feel sick because I miss being shouted at and I miss being told that my food is fucking disgusting and No. It wouldn't be a horrible time. HH Your food is shit, Hamish. AM You did make me an excellent birthday cake once, though. AM I miss you. HH I miss you a lot. So much. AM I actually miss eating your terrible food. AM Also, the way you snore. AM And how messy you can be. AM Can you come over? HH I want to have sex with you. HH Wow. AM Hell no. AM No...? HH Fuck no. AM Oh. HH Thought you'd want to. HH Well, yeah, but you're kind of dating? AM Oh, don't. You did. HH We're seeing each other. It's not serious. HH I really don't want to piss off the Pope. AM Pissing off the Pope means my pretty face gets damned to Hell. AM You're already going to hell. HH Yeah, I know. But I like to think I have a nice room reserved in the devil's inner circle. AM The Pope would send me to the shit part of hell, I'm sure. AM [long delay] I shouldn't have texted. HH I'm glad that you did. AM If HH If what? AM If I ended things with Harry, could I go shopping for the day and by the time I get back would your stuff be exactly where it was before you left and we could just forget this ever happened? HH Have you thought about this much? AM No? HH Use your brain. Think. AM I don't want to, Ally, I don't want to HH [incoming call from Hamish] [rejected] Alex HH Fuck's sake, please, Alex, just HH Hamish, calm down. AM I will NOT calm down. HH You fucked ME over so if I want you to come here and have sex with me you bloody fucking will. Okay!? HH Oh my God, breathe. AM [no reply] I fucked you over, yeah, but I don't want to have angry breakup sex. AM I mean, I miss you, but I'm also a little afraid you might actually eat me. AM Where's Harry? AM At work. HH Shit. Well, angry fuck him later or something. AM I just miss you. I miss you. I miss you stupid amounts and it's so fucking stupid because you're such an irritating cunt and you fucked me over and HH [delay] Do you want to get back together? HH [delay] Yeah. I talked it over with Bumblebee, though, and he thinks we need to talk first. He says we need to lay everything out and be honest. Or something like that. He says we need better communication. AM I've always laid everything out. HH /You/ need to be better at communicating. HH Bumblebee agrees with you. I agree with you. I'm bad at that. AM I'm an emotionally constipated cunt. AM Mhm. HH I've always been open with you. I've been open with Harry. I've told him I like him and I've told him I think he's great. HH You don't love him, do you? AM I've told him I'm still incredibly in love with my ex, though, and he respects that. We talked about how it ended and he thinks I deserve better, and to be honest, I think so too, but he says he understands if I work things out with you. HH No, I'm not. HH I am trash and you do deserve better. AM However, I'm still madly in love with you. AM I'm so in love with you, Al. HH It's gross. AM I'm sorry I was a shit over the ring thing. I think about that a lot. I was shit. AM Yeah, little bit. HH It was stupid of me to think all that, though. HH No, it wasn't. You deserve that, you know? AM I'd like to buy you a ring someday, I think. AM No, no, don't. Don't. Don't do that. You wouldn't have before. HH No, no, I would have. Not an expensive one. At all. A fucking shiny rock will never be a testament to our love. Or some shit. AM You'd get one of those ones you get from an arcade in a penny drop machine. HH You know me so well. AM Would you be okay with that? AM I want one of those ones you get from an arcade in a penny drop machine. HH Yeah. Yeah, I do. HH I would be okay with that. Yeah. HH You're going to make me cry, you idiot. I can imagine your stupid fucking face all happy and shiny. Ugh. AM Over microwave meals and a shitty fake candle because you don't like the smoke. HH We'll never have a glamorous life. Ever. But I promise I'll make you happy. Or, at least, I'll try really fucking hard. I promise. AM I don't want you to lie anymore. HH At all. HH Never. HH About anything. HH Including your food and cold feet? AM Even if it'll hurt me I want you to tell me the truth. HH Yeah. No lies. HH That's really hard, but okay. AM Hurting you is the exact opposite of what I want to do. AM I know, babe. I know. HH You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. Fuck. I don't know if you know how much you mean to me. AM I know it'll hurt you and I know it'll hurt me and all of this will be really fucking painful but I love you. I love you, and I don't care. I don't care if you hurt me because I am so in love with you. HH Of course, I prefer if you didn't hurt me. Try not to. But I want to make this work, Alex. HH I'll never hurt you like I have. I promise. AM We can make this work. AM It'll work. AM Move back in. HH Please. HH One little issue with that. AM I want to go out for the day and I want to come back to a microwave meal. HH What? HH I kind of have a son now. AM What? HH [delay] Arianna. HH I was talking about my dog, actually. AM FUCK YOU HH I FUCKINFG HATE YOU HH DONT COME BACK HH I'm kidding. Come back. Please. HH I'm already on my way. AM You're so cute when you're mad. AM I fucking hate you I hate you I hate you I hate you HH Are you wrinkling your nose? You are, aren't you? AM Don't text and drive, you cunt. HH All scrunched and trying not to smile? AM Go away. HH Nah, I think I'd rather stay. AM You're blushing. AM God, I love you so much. AM I love you. I love you so much, you stupid, stupid, ignorant piece of shit. HH Aw, now you've got ME blushing. AM Stop texting and hurry up. HH I'm going, I'm going. Love you. See you soon. AM See you soon. x HH I love you. AM I love you. HH
