A way too personal life update
So Iļø know Iļø havenāt really put myself out there a lot but Iāve been making a lot of changes lately so Iām gonna share something a bit personal with you all. Iļø have been going through one of the hardest things Iāve ever gone through for the last 2 weeks and Iļø wanna talk about how thatās been and also some of the insights Iāve had from it. Iļø have had a lotttt of internal struggles throughout my life and what Iļø mean by that is that there havenāt been a lot of hard things that have happened to me necessarily, but a lot of hard things have gone on inside of me that Iāve had to deal with. But this time itās something internal and external. And it involves other people. And it is the most overwhelming thing Iļø have ever experienced. Iāve never cried so much or felt so internally crippled as Iļø did these last two weeks. Iļø had a bit of a breakthrough last night but Iļø know this is not the end of all of this. This is going to continue to affect me for a while. But Iļø feel like Iām getting up from the initial fall and here is how Iļø did that:
When it happened Iļø was completely devastated. Overwhelmed. Broken. In a different and deeper way than ever before. So Iļø accepted it. Iļø realized ok wow Iļø am not okay at all and Iām not gonna pretend like Iļø am. Iļøt was so hard to talk about at first so Iļø just told my friends that Iļø wasnāt okay but I didnāt really know how to talk about it. Iļø made a playlist of songs that fit my situation and also songs that gave me hope. And Iļø listened to it constantly. Iļø gave myself permission to not be okay. Permission to fail. Permission to be basically a lump of a human for a little while. And Iļø told my family and friends āhey look Iļø am not myself right now so Iļø need you to be gentle with me and not expect what you used to expect from me cause Iļø canāt give that right now. Iļø wonāt be able to be there for you like Iļø used to be. Iļø need support and I need space to take care of myself.ā And for once in my life Iļø stopped thinking about every other person in the world and Iļø started to think about myself. Iļø took naps. Long naps. A lot of them. Iļø said no when Iļø wanted to and Iļø said yes when Iļø wanted to. Iļø called people out when they were being insensitive or making me upset instead of trying to let it go like Iļø usually wouldāve. I reached out to friends and family members and Iļø talked about myself and my problems for long periods of time and Iļø didnāt feel guilty for it. Iļø didnāt rush and Iļø let myself be a few minutes late if Iļø couldnāt get everything done in time. Iļø learned that people will live if youāre a few minutes late. Iļø listened to guilt trips and backhanded remarks and instead of feeling guilty Iļø let them bounce off of me cause after all, Iļø have permission to not do my best right now. Iļø got angry. Really angry. Which is something thatās hard for me cause Iāve never really known what to do with anger and Iām still trying to figure that out. Iļø listened to angry music on walks and Iļø wrote scathing letters in my journal that no one else would see. I let myself be upset, irritable, and detached and didnāt worry about how others would respond to it because Iļø honestly just didnāt have the energy. Iļø confronted people in my life that have hurt me. I still have a few more people on that list, but Iāll get to them when Iļøām ready.
There were 2 really important things Iļø did.
Iļø surrendered.
And Iļø trusted.
Iļø surrendered to the hurricane of emotion inside of me. Iļø let myself feel whatever Iļø was feeling and Iļø didnāt apologize for it or try to change it. Iļø rode each wave until it crashed. Iļø trusted that God would get me through it. Iļø got mad at God, Iļø didnāt really pray a lot, but at my worst times Iļø asked Him to get me through this and Iļø trusted that He would.
Itās really hard for me to not really try in life because Iļø am constantly thinking about my life and what Iām doing and why Iām doing it and where Iām going and what it all means so it was terrifying for me to look at myself and see that Iļø wasnāt really doing anything. Iļø wasnāt moving toward anything. Iļø wasnāt focused on anything other than trying not to lose my mind. And there was no future Iļø could think of that sounded good to me. Iļøt all just sucked, really. Iļø had been living with absolutely no purpose and Iļø hated that more than anything. Iļø realized Iļø had to find purpose in just being alive. Iļø was watching Stranger Things 2 and the scenes where eleven was living in the woods just trying to survive really hit me because literally her entire lifeās goal and purpose at that point was just to stay alive. She didnāt have a job, she wasnāt helping anyone, she wasnāt making any impact on the world yet we were all rooting for her to catch another squirrel or whatever and keep herself alive. There was meaning and purpose in it. So that became my purpose. Just live. Just get through it. Literally just live. Another. Day. So many destructive thoughts came into my head of things Iļø could do to escape this situation and some of them sounded sooo appealing but Iļø knew that if Iļø did those things it would just make everything worse. So many dark thoughts came into my head but Iļø did my best to push them out because again, Iļø knew that succumbing to them would make everything worse. Iļø had a quiet hope in my heart that God would take care of me and that hope is what pushed me to keep going. And when everything was too much, Iļø just took a long nap. Or Iļø just cried my eyessss out. but even when Iļø felt so dark and defeated, Iļø never lost that quiet hope inside of me.
Iļø see it like this. When you are in the storm, you have to just accept it. Do your best to stay afloat and deal with the storm at hand. Itās terrifying and itās so hard, but you have to trust that soon enough the coast guard is gonna come and get you out. He always does. And youāll be back on the shore before you know it. You canāt ignore the storm and you canāt stop it from coming. You just have to get through it and no matter what, never lose touch with that quiet hope inside.
