the rest is confetti

.𖥔 ݁ 🪐˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ the sun has come to save me put a little love into my lonely soul pfp by NART!!!!!!

[circusnell]

( ˊᵕˋ )♡.°⑅ domi/draco

21+, any pronouns, aro/ace lesbian. fanfic writer occasionally. pagan, horror loving circus clown. nsfw & adult themes, no minors. rentry for likes & stuff that i'll finish later. pinterest for fic boards

just because my ask box says clown around does not mean i want you acting like a buffoon please utilize your common sense. thank you

[circusnell]

also let this be my semi annual reminder that i don‘t allow minors in my space due to the sort of themes i tend to cultivate within my interests !!!! minors are blocked on sight for your well-being and my peace of mind, but ageless accs also concern me a little . Bc. yk. if there isn‘t anything indicating at least “adult“ on there, u probably shouldn‘t be here either. better safe than sorry. so if ur following me and there‘s no at least VAGUE age indication anywhere on ur acc, if you get shadow-realmed, it‘s not personal. i‘m in my 20s and the idea of possibly standing on my podium waxing unhinged shit with a 16yo in the audience isn’t my cup of tea

[circusnell]

i have had a lot of vt7k ideas shelved or just thrown around that i genuinely did have interest in writing but i fear i don‘t have the spoons for any new fic ideas anytime soon so i rly should just start talking about some of them so they will at last exist somewhere outside of my head. anyway one that was particularly special to me was the piece i brainstormed of varian‘s pov in a modern au as someone genetically predisposed to both addiction /and/ mental illness. Because i really enjoy seeing people take on that particular flavor of scenario with fanfic and i wanted to give it a try myself AS someone with family history of both. SO

i chose modern au because i did want to be able to somewhat reflect my own experiences into the narrative because sometimes the best way to convey accuracy is to take from life itself. Lived experiences are the purest form of pov u can get. and in my mind i think the predisposition of addiction, while would have stemmed from both quirin and ulla, was moreso within quirin. i chose alcohol because what better way to torture varian than to bestow upon him pain i have felt myself. Suffer, bitch

i don‘t think quirin would have been an abusive alcoholic in this idea, tho. Not outright, maybe in smaller ways where you could pinpoint unhealthy and negative behaviors but not enough that it couldn’t pass under the average eye. i enjoy all explorations of hcs and aus, but i did want to retain aspects of the original characterization in this, and i think quirin‘s fault lies not within being /abusive/ but being a little too . watchful. controlling, at times. quick to cage in the name of protection. Adding alcohol into this equation would only heighten that— the paranoia of needing to keep his kid /safe/, but nothing is safe; the world is cruel and messy and bad, and nothing is safe. alcohol can make you feel caged in, paranoid, afraid, on edge for every bit of anxiety that has ever crossed your mind. He drinks to alleviate it, but it only ever ends up making it worse. he refuses to see that, maybe, because acknowledging a vice is often as easy as putting a bonesaw through your own elbow. Vices are vices for a reason

quirin, prone to drinking at night, a little too much, glass poured without much care because the bottle isn‘t gone and what does a little more hurt, anyway? varian having a tendency to close himself up in the basement or his room, still a recluse even in a modern au. maybe worse now? No friends, little family, the only public exposure he gets is in his college classes and even then, he’s not a socialite. Where would he ever have learned that from? ulla, maybe, but we all know where that goes and where it ends. i think in a modern au maybe she disappeared when he was five, or six. old enough to remember, young enough to forget

quirin‘s anxiety over needing to protect the last family he has, and doing his best to ensure his kid doesn‘t succumb to the same fate his wife did—add alcohol, quite and dark, alone in the living room, and he‘s thinking about how varian tends to stay in that room for hours, days on end. and he doesn‘t really have any friends, does he? he never mentions any classmates he talks to. There aren‘t really any kids around his age in their little hometown, so he was hoping the classes would help. but varian doesn‘t attract much attention, negative when he does, and quirin is worried. always worried.

he won‘t live forever. What is he to do? he couldn‘t protect his wife, he‘s doing his /best/ to protect the kid. Easier said than done. he won‘t live forever

varian‘s genetic predisposition to addiction is majority based from quirin‘s side. i wouldn‘t say varian would be too interested in alcohol enough to develop the /same/ one, though. the thing about having addict parents is you swear up and down you will never become that, in the name of the pain you have suffered from it, but addiction sneaks up on you in different ways. it doesn‘t have to be the same vice. a habit is a routine is an addiction is a vice. varian will drink but he knows his limits, even if he will pass them. it doesn‘t interest him much getting drunk. He has preferences

people tend to view addiction solely as drinks and drugs. Maybe it could be those, i didn’t actually choose the specific thing it would be for him. whatever it is, would be moreso an escape from the /other/ built-in hindrance, which is the mental illness. Now i think /this/ comes more from ulla‘s side. more than one. My hcs tend to be depression, borderline personality disorder, and while ptsd isn‘t inherited the way the other ones can be, i think he most definitely has it. so did she. funny how that works

habits form to cope. You tell yourself, i don‘t NEED this, i want it. it makes me happy. i could stop if i wanted to, whenever i wanted to. you never test that or ask yourself to stop, just to prove it. for him, i think he‘s undiagnosed and unmedicated, because one of quirin‘s flaws is that he wants to protect varian from ulla‘s fate so badly that he won’t risk looking at the possibility that they may be so, so similar. They can‘t be the same; varian has to be different, because if varian /isn‘t/ different than who’s to say he won’t fail to save him the exact same way?

he‘s got a plethora of unmedicated disorders from his mommy‘s side. ptsd built on experiences inherent to his life, and from mistakes that none of them wanted to make but did anyway. Addiction seizes people who need to cope

i think the main idea i wanted to convey here is how easy it is to become something you didn‘t want to. addiction has a very negative common perception, which is understandable at a level, but i wanted to give my 2 cents on how easy it is to suddenly be on the other side of that fence, no matter how much you grit your teeth and push against it. i think varian would see quirin getting shitfaced, drowning in anxiety and a creeping depression that will never cease, because it‘s in the hands of a person who will never come back. i think varian would remember those glimpses of his mom—as a child, she looked so happy, full of life and so bright, but you get older and you look back and you realize maybe that smile was a little too wide, eyes too dim for it to be genuine, and you piece that together with the reality of her being gone and it becomes what it is. i think varian would /not/ want to be like his parents, not in that way, but the easiest way to slip up in that way is to focus too hard on the /what/ and not the /why/. i won’t drink that much, i know my tolerance. i won‘t behave that way, i know what it looks like on other people.

but you don‘t know what it looks like on /yourself/, and just because you don‘t drink doesn‘t mean you won‘t smoke, or skip meals a little too often, or find cold comfort in a pain you can control. Needing control so badly often leads you to lose sight of it entirely. is it still control when you orchestrate the beginning of your own eventual crash and burn?

i think a lot of people overlook how easy it is. You know the signs and you‘re blind to others. one of my favorite things is weaving a sort of awareness into my stories. life imitates art imitates life and all that

ok done rambling for now i have things to do. Happpyyyyy Mondayyyyyy!!!!!

[itwashotwestayedinthewater]

i used to download so many pictures but now its like 1 every month n its always this kind of shit

[circusnell]

necessary rent lowering gunshot post that in like 2023-24 i would use insta stories as my main format of fandom discussion (amongst my close circle of friends) and there were male characters i ONLY ever referred to with she/her. it was canon to me and i treated it that way. infact i should start doing this again. this could not be more of a safe space for gender hcs. I LOVE MY BOYGIRLS AND GIRLBOYS AND NEITHERTHEMS AND BOTHTHEYS!!!!!! EVERYTHING IN AND AROUND AND BETWEEN AND NOTHING AT ALL!!!!‘ thank you

[nart-is-a-monster]

[gayleafpool]

im scared

[nart-is-a-monster]

This is barely a SpeedPaint and more a compilation of random videos and gifs I like.

[gayleafpool]

varian without self harm scars is like an angel without wings

[nart-is-a-monster]

Commission for my beloved @circusnell

[nart-is-a-monster]

Commission for my beloved @circusnell

[nart-is-a-monster]

Commission for my beloved @circusnell

[circusnell]

that boy look like a girl . That lady look like a dude

[circusnell]

This is probably an unpopular opinion but I hate it when people take male characters and make them look and act like women. Especially if they don‘t have that at all in canon. If you want women why not like the female characters? But no it‘s not about the women people are so male centered and I hate it no one cares about female characters anymore. Sorry for ranting ig

with peace and love each to their own but this rly could not be a less unpopular opinion. in any fandom.. on any social media.. in the history of ever. infact it seems like we are genuinely going backwards as of late with fighting for the dismantling of gender roles bc like. wdym by looking and acting like women? truly, i want you to specify what comes to mind, and then i ask that you evaluate why exactly you only associate those things with women.

popular examples i have encountered are: long hair. emotional vulnerability. a tendency to cry. empathy. softer features. short height. being good with kids. revealing clothing. any form of makeup. enjoying cute things. being thin and/or lean. curviness, even. softer voice. what makes these “women-only“ traits? just because some things may be more /common/ in women, doesn‘t = only women have them. Including naturally or by choice.

your argument is that you hate this because people are favoring the male character over the women (which, in cases, i DO understand. one of my favs in everything i enjoy tends to be an overheated woman), but then you choose talking points that imply u dislike seeing feminity in men….. why would feminity ever be a bad thing? Why couldn‘t you base this argument on “women sre vastly underrated and overlooked in fandom spaces“ instead of “i hate when people give men traits i have decided only women have“?

not only is this argument just insanely transphobic in several different ways, but it IS misogynistic, too. because, again, why would feminity be a bad thing to have? why do you view these things as exclusively feminine to begin with?

be the change u want to see man. start these conversations with “i love this woman“ instead of “i hate this man“. Starting shit with people for the way they love their chosen favorite will never, ever convince them to hear you out on giving yours more thought.. i promise. as a certified woman lover. as someone who has raged MANY a time over male characters being put on a pedestal for the same reasons women characters will be hated for

& honestly i have no idea why u came to me for this 😭😭😭 like i‘m always open for discussion but this isn‘t rly a discussion it‘s just a statement, and my blog has ALWAYS been pro trans hcs, genderfuckery, genderBEND, gender non conformity, etc etc. i LOVE hcing feminine men and masculine women and everything in between. U are essentially in enemy territory my friend i will kindly escort u out now

[nevilmoree]

[insinirate]

Which design from the angel/devil series is your favourite?

hyuna and its not even CLOSE like the multiple wings and the ribbon/wing prosthetic, the bandages, teased hair, the eye-shaped boob window with the purple iris....she flew the motherplane into the world serve center and hit the cuntagon

[circusnell]

the seraphim imagery in hyuna‘s angel design is really interesting to me considering the seraphim‘s heavy symbolism with holiness and divine purification. in canon, we don’t see anything that necessarily gives the impression that hyuna cares about being “pure”; she has no “god”, not in the clear way that we see mizi and ivan do, but she /does/ have the ever-present shackle of her past with alien stage woven around her ankle, specifically luka, and it is the one thing she cannot shake throughout the entire duration of the story. luka isn‘t portrayed as her god, but taking her romh cover into account, we can interpret that she does view him in a similar vein. her savior; pitiful, the ruler of her heart. an angel devoted to a devil in her own right. i don’t think hyuna ever idolized the concept of being pure or guiltless, but she did do her best to stamp down the only part of her past that haunted her like a second shadow.

she isn‘t the stereotypical image of a seraphim. six wings and one eye, yes, but another blinded, and a wing prosthetic. so close, but not quite. and the thing about hyuna‘s angel design is it is significantly different in demeanor than both sua and ivan‘s are. sua and ivan seem to be the perfect picture of an angel—pristine, white wings and dress, serene smile or smooth expression. (there ARE aspects of their designs i’d like to talk about at SOME point, when i have more time, like sua‘s deceitful innocence and ivan‘s centipede, finger to his mouth, BUT!!! later) /hyuna/ is a little more messy. ivan and sua offer their platters easily; sua‘s heart, the apple infected with the “worm“. hyuna‘s is hidden behind her back, not offered, and her smile is less of a /smile/ and more of a grin. sua and ivan look pristine in a way that feels almost dishonest. the platter is offered, but what happens if you take it?

hyuna is hiding hers, free hand splayed open, almost as if she‘s either offering it for her partner to take, or maybe in a “there’s nothing here, what do you mean?” sort of gesture. her hair is messy, falling around her face, posture loose and bandages unraveling. the clear difference in demeanor almost makes her look borderline fallen in comparison. not quite an angel, not quite a devil; a sinner and pure of heart at the same time. her heart IS on the plate, but she won’t offer it. she‘s hiding it, but her body language is still open to her partner despite the arm hidden behind her back.

the messiness of her appearance almost feels more sincere. ivan and sua offer their platters, but again, what happens if their partner were to take it? their expressions give nothing away. and one thing about hyuna‘s character is, she would lie to /herself/, but she would never offer something she couldn‘t truly give. she was flawed, guilty; running as fast as she could away from her fate, only to slam into it right around the corner. her habit of running never made her a liar. whereas ivan and sua had a STRONG tendency to be dishonest, whether to themselves or other people. and i could get into that now but we are talking about hyuna, so. shelved.

i just like the contrast between their designs. to me, there‘s a perfection to ivan and sua‘s that hint towards the opposite. hyuna‘s is a bit more messy, easy grin with a half-moon eye and another obscured, in a curtain of hair and bandages and wings. an incomplete angel, but one hiding nothing other than her own heart. a seraphim with her one eye, but only because the other is blinded. a false wing keeping her upright. one of my favorite things about hyuna is that she is earnest, a big heart in her chest and on her sleeve, well-versed in dragging herself through thick and thin for a /chance/ to save /someone/, to make a change. but she isn‘t perfect; she shoves her pain down, throws herself into what she /can/ do to ignore what she /didn‘t/, and her biggest sin was forcing that blind eye to what she knew she could not save.

heart on a platter but hidden behind her back—one eye open and focused, the other forcibly blinded—six wings used to shelter, but also to escape.

she‘s almost fallen in the way that mizi (or till as well) could also be seen as almost redeemed. their sins were born from their inherent humanity, grief and love and rage, and her halo relies too much on what she wouldn‘t look in the eye until it killed her. would she be a devil if she stayed? is it because she didn’t, that she could be forgiven?

mizi, till, and luka all share that similarity—they stayed, whether they wanted to or not. devils tethered to the ground because they refuse to conform to what would absolve them.

hyuna, sua, and ivan all left, in their own way. maybe death is what purified them in that universe. maybe their sins were forgiven in the name of what they committed them for.

i like the prospect of all six of them simply being both. angels with sins behind their teeth, devils who crave absolution so desperately it‘s bleeding from the heart they offer.

yeah they‘re probably just separated based on who survived and didn‘t, but like. where‘s the fun in that?