Untitled

[afriblaq]

"Your not as dumb as you look"

[afriblaq]

Stolen. Not from slavery. Not from sharecropping. From benefits paid for in blood

[theonion]

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Expressing concern that he might have played up his facility with witchcraft and dark magic at the expense of other qualifications, local man Timothy Sellers told reporters Tuesday that he might have mentioned sorcery a few too many times during a recent job interview. “It seemed to go pretty well, but maybe I should have made fewer references to the various arcane and esoteric rites I have mastered,” said Sellers, wondering aloud whether it would have been better to include Photoshop and Excel on his résumé’s special skills section instead of necromancy and incantations.

Full story.

[theonion]

CHICAGO—Following a widely shared post that sparked debate and confusion among online factions of every stripe, the internet was reportedly divided Thursday over a video that documented a Black cop shooting a white cop for choking out a racist white woman who had just called the police on some Black teenagers. “This one’s a real thinker,” said local 34-year-old Virgil Hicking, who was among the thousands of commenters to respond to the video and who explained that while he definitely wanted to condemn the police violence, one cop was really just trying to stop the other cop from being violent, and that cop was in turn reacting to a racist who had put the lives of Black kids in danger by getting the cops involved in the first place. 

Full story.

[theonion]

CHICAGO—In a major breakthrough for reproductive health, scientists at the University of Chicago announced Monday that they have developed an even more painful form of female contraception. “This highly advanced female contraceptive method is capable of providing patients with 500% more agony than any other product on the market,” said project head Dr. Joshua Bakshi, who explained that the spike-covered device would shred its way through the cervix, causing immeasurable pain, and then stab the uterus multiple times for insertion.

Full story.

[theonion]

“Oh jeez, if I’d known the guy’s apartment was this close, I never would’ve leaned on the horn and run all those red lights,” said Tara Stanton, who meekly turned off her siren, exited the emergency vehicle, and grew visibly red with humiliation as she looked back a mere 300 yards to the firehouse from which she’d been dispatched. “I totally tore through that intersection at, like, 90 miles per hour, and cut off a few cars, too. I feel really bad if that car crash was because of me. Darn. We probably could have just walked.” Full Story

[theonion]

[theonion]

Falling short of the high burden of proof demanded in the courthouse, area couple Alice Fields and Zachary Garcia were reportedly denied a marriage license Tuesday after failing to prove their love beyond a reasonable doubt. “Although in common terms the two of you may be considered in love, it is the duty of this court to follow a certain standard of evidence, and your relationship must be presumed casual until it is proven serious,” said Judge Luther Hanscom, whose ruling found insufficient grounds to suggest Fields and Garcia’s bond was meant to last forever, concluding it was plausible they were participants in nothing more than a simple fling. “You have not provided the necessary love letters or the breathless texts to your friends after your first date to substantiate a legal claim that you are two halves of a shared, sacred whole. Full Story

[theonion]

Blasting the individual for barely shuffling his goddamn feet and not even touching the glass, area man Owen Hodges confirmed Thursday that the other guy in the revolving door wasn’t doing shit to help move the thing. Full Story

[theonion]

Look, I’m not a hateful person or anything–I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I’ve been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock. Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man’s man, too–big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn’t seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is. Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don’t recall the phrase, “Suck my cock” entering the conversation, and I don’t have a sign around my neck that reads, “Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock.” I’ve got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, then I’ve got a real problem. FULL STORY

[theonion]

Food prices continue to rise as supermarkets and manufacturers rake in record profits, squeezing many American families’ budgets. The Onion shares tips for saving money on groceries. Full Story

[theonion]

Despite the fast food chain’s self-described dedication to innovation, Taco Bell announced Friday that it was plumb out of ideas for new places to put ground beef. “We’re stumped—we can’t think of anywhere else to put our signature seasoned beef at the moment,” said Nathan Chisholm, a disheveled-looking member of the Taco Bell product team who stressed that they needed to come up with something really soon because the beef was piling up. “We have already done it all: inside a hard shell, in between two tortillas, outside of a tortilla. Have we put it in lettuce? Yeah, that’s right, we’ve definitely put it in lettuce already.  Full Story

[odinsblog]

[pizoxuat]

[moon-mason]

[madamslayyy]

Got his ass together in three words

[classycookiexo]

[oldferrari]

[phat0nez]

Oooooooooooo Dammmnnnnn 🤤🤤🤤