>2013
>enjoying the lengthy summer provided by President Obama’s Funky Fresh Commission on Anthropogenic Climate Adjustment for the Betterment of American Society
>thinking about planting some seeds
>go to the garden supply section of my local corner store (because we must always buy local)
>pick up a packet of seeds for all colors of the visible spectrum, and a couple of the infrared and ultraviolet wavelengths, just to be safe
>get on my fixed gear bike and start pedalling home, flagellating the entire way as penance for anyone who is differently-abled or tetrapodal-phobic
>get home, head to my backyard
>tie a bandana around my head, have my spade and watering can with me
>plunge my shovel into the peaty earth
>hear a shudder and groan as spirits rise from the crack in the earth I have created
>‘FOOLISH MAN,’ booms a voice that seems to come at me from all sides,’ DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT YOU HAVE RAPED ME, MOTHER EARTH?’
>I look at my rake
>it’s covered with blood, my semen, and small planetoid fetuses
>I gnash my teeth and tear out my hair, weeping at my foolish, Patriarchy-engendered foolishness
>as the CIS Police comes to take me away, an officer, looks at me and spits
>Ze takes off my bandana and looks at me with utter disgust
>‘So… little whiteboy thought it’d be fun to play Jamestown huh?’
>Zir CIS police partner looks from zis wheelchair and laughs
>‘That’s a charge of cultural appropriation on top of a Class 3 Rape of Mother Gaea’
>Ze grabs my dick, still covered with dirt and little bits of planet
>‘Where you’re going… we’re gonna fill you up with all the culture you need…’
>UNCHECKED PRIVILEGE: NOT EVEN ONCE