23. American. Music is my ultimate concern. I also help run fuckyeahthestrokes and alberthammondjrappreciation, which should tell you something about my musical leanings.
≈ ∞ lurkers
It's silly, but I miss blogging. A lot, actually. Part of this is probably because I'm bedridden with mono and have been for over a week now, but I missed it before I got sick, ever since I put this thing on hiatus. I still go through and look at my dash when I'm home and bored (meaning all the time lately), and I still like things I want to be able to find again later. And I still check in with about ten or so blogs of people I really made connections with on here, or blogs I've just really liked. I've had Tumblr for like five years or something now, and my needs for it and thoughts about it have changed a lot over that time period. But at the very least, it's still a passtime, still something to look at when I'm bored. And at the most, it's a little corner of the internet where I can interact with certain people in the way I want to. That's what I miss, really.
So I've remade. I'm still keeping this thing out here because I don't want to delete it and Tumblr is too limited to let me lock it. So I made a new blog with a throwaway URL, 10-decisions.tumblr.com. If you have any interest, you can follow me there--I'm still going to post the types of things I used to post, just not so may details about my life, and certainly not the people in it. There probably won't be many text posts, maybe ever. I also might change the URL a few times.
It's blank right now, and I'm going through and following most of the blogs I follow here on that new account, so that's just me. I'm going to make it so that if it's ever found again, there's nothing to be embarrassed by except maybe fangirlishness. I'm done with learning lessons about my own privacy twelve years after I should have, so I'm going to be careful. But I need a little corner of the internet again for things I find cool and funny and interesting and pretty. So here we go again.
So I changed my URL, which is not something I ever planned to do, really. But in a few short days, I feel like my whole perspective on the internet and what I put on it has changed.
Though I've always been aware and conscious of the fact that anything put on the internet is findable, there's always been a certain sense of privacy for me here on Tumblr--I never advertised the fact I was on Tumblr, or used it as heavily as I did, and I've let myself just kind of run free with it. It was great for the years that I felt like I had nothing else going on in my life outside of the friends I'd made through music and being a fan of music itself. When you don't really have friends or much going on in your life that relies on other "real" people, you build a world for yourself somewhere else. In my case, it was on the internet with respect to my fandoms and the people I'd met with common interests. That pretty much entertained me for 5 years when I didn't have a lot else going on.
But in the past year and a half, my life has drastically changed, and I DO have friends that I see day in and day out, and I DO have a significant life outside of the music/movies/TV shows/etc that I usually concerned myself with. And sometimes I chose to write about that life. And sometimes I said too much, even though I tried to keep it general and non-specific.
What has happened is that someone I care about very much, perhaps more than I've ever cared for another person, found this blog and read it, and found things about them that made them feel confused and exposed and judged. And though I only ever meant the absolute best, as I love this person very much, I should know better than to think putting something online is ever a "safe" thing to do when it's about someone else, especially if you're a long-winded blabbermouth like me. You'd think I'd have had that reality check long before I was 24 years old, that keeping a written record of things online was a silly thing to do. But passion and loneliness and a desire to write things down for posterity all snowball into a longtime habit of simply Saying Too Much. I think I've been Saying Too Much since about 2007, when I first started to not have a life and took to the internet.
So, it's been a week. I've been perhaps disproportionately guilty, embarrassed, upset, and worried that I've ruined a friendship that meant everything to me. All signs point to growing past it, but that doesn't mean I'm over being embarrassed or feeling like an idiot (and I'll always own exactly who I am, but all the fangirliness is a bit mortifying to have someone you love read that previously didn't know how insane you really were). I will always feel bad for hurting a friend, even if my intentions were always good. You can't control how someone interprets something, even if it all came from a place of love. And therein lies the reason I sometimes just don't bother to communicate at all: I feel like I try very hard to find the best, clearest way to say what I mean, but you can never predict how someone else is going to interpret it. And it may hurt them. I'm still terrified I ruined the best thing I had going for me in the past year, though I've been told not to worry so much. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I've spent a lot of time crying. I feel like I've never felt this bad about something, but I guess that's just a testament to how much I really care about this friendship.
I don't know what this means for the future of this blog, or me on Tumblr. Even though I'm like, afraid of all social networking for the time being and especially of this website, I do not want to delete this blog. I've had it for too long, there are too many things I like on it to take it down completely and have it scrubbed from the record. It's still me, even if it's a bit embarrassing and I regret parts of it. And I still love following all of you and scrolling through my dash and staying in touch that way. I just don't know if I'll ever really use this blog much again. Maybe. Maybe I just need to get over myself and I'll come back, just with less information about my life and the people in it. Maybe I'll slowly work back and privatize the text posts.
For now: I'm keeping this URL because it's not linked to anything and it's harder to find. I might leave the two other blogs I've contributed to--I have to think about it. And I might make my homepage redirect to something else just to avoid anything happening again. But I don't want it to go away forever. Until Tumblr makes an export tool or allows you to lock the main blog on your account, I'm just going to keep my head down because I may have quickly learned a valuable lesson about the internet and about privacy, but I still need to watch myself and figure out what that means for how I interact in the future. I either say too much or nothing at all, and for now the latter feels like the better course of action. So there's going to be some radio silence for awhile at least.
Peace out for now, everyone--I'm still here somewhere, just quietly for the time being.
I saw Vampire Weekend last night and GOD they're the cutest
Especially Chris Baio and his dancing, good lord
I also got an iPhone 5s yesterday--I didn't expect to get one til January but things worked out and I splurged
It was fun to be a customer on launch day, I wasn't working because of the VW concert but I walked in and bought my phone and all my friends are there being hilarious and jerks and it was really fun
It was also fun to see a launch through other eyes, because launches are like weddings and I'm the wedding planner--it's a big part of my job to prepare for them and set them up for the 10 days between announcement and the big day, and it was the nicest to not be working on the actual day but to still see it
I may have a strong bias, but this is an exceptionally fantastic phone. That fingerprint sensor is flawless.
I once saw this as someone's iPhone lockscreen wallpaper at a show and...I was super jealous. I was also being thrashed around by bodies when I caught sight of it and just started cracking up while my ribs were being crushed.
Australian photographer Lincoln Harris collection ‘Star trails’, surreal swirls in the sky, created from a multitude of long-exposure shots and the effect of the Earth’s rotation.
I wasn't really into boybands in the 90s and JT's music still isn't really my thing unless I'm being a bit ironic, but I do love him as a comedic actor.
But HOT DAMN these are nice...men in sweaters and white tshirts/leather jackets are all I need.
Yesterday I hung out on a boat all day with two of the best friends I’ll ever have. They made me drive and I got a wet willy but the whole day was pretty much perfect.
romaincrisis
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
jacobvanloon
andulkaphoto
theartofmadeline
annaxmalina
baratheonpilled
