It's Thursday, February 25th, 2016. Over the next 36 days, I am trying to set into motion a lifestyle framework for my future. I have purposefully forced myself into solitude in Manila to focus on balance; maturity, the health of my mind and body, and passion.
Over the past few years or so, I would say that curiosity mixed with loneliness, plus uncertainty of myself and the future, have all influenced my repeated decisions to pursue short-lived excitement. And with these additional occassions of excitement comes comparitively longer periods of time of emotional guilt and the feeling of being lost.
Fortunately this is not a sad story and there no major regrets. But that is not intended to downplay the consequences and pain that may be on the horizon unless control and temperance are gained.
So before it is too late and while I still have a fair chance, I've gone and removed myself from one life to live out another. From one side of the world to another; I hope to use this time to challenge myself grow in the following areas:
– balance of the mind
– balance of the body
– creative expression
– allowing for inspiring input
– love
There is nothing terribly unique about this. Many people in their 20's live out a rambunctious lifestyle. (I think I have had my share of fun, and then some). But most respectable, accomplished, admirable people grow out of it. Some live through their entire lives missing out on both sides (having too much fun, being overly boring) and regret it in the end either way. I'd like to think that I've had my time for fun and that it is time to move on. (The occasional setback is bound to pop its head up.)
I am not trying to squash and stamp-out the person who I am today. I don't loathe myself; I'm simply trying to grow. C.S. Lewis summed it up wonderfully:
“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”
Addmitingly, there is an additional motivating factor budding from an burgeoning affinity for someone whom I just cannot get out of my god damn head! ¡Uf! At the most inconvenient moments she will take over my concentration, only to quickly dissolve into a tarnished by embarassment and/or regret. The reason being that every opportunity afforded to me thus far at having a honest decent evening with her gets off to a good start. Casual, then sincere. But eventually, at some point long into the evening I'll end up having too much to drink either out of nervousness or habit and it causes me to second-guess my evaluation of her emotional reciprocity. I second-guess myself. I end up undermining what may (or may not) be an opportunity. I'd like to harness those emotional ebb and flows and transform it into passion.
So the idea is to prepare myself for the days, weeks, and years ahead. Mentally, phsyically, and emotionally. All of them are challenging but I think most importantly (for me personally), is to allow myself emotional exploration. To possibly love. We'll start off in preparation for the fast approaching opportunity that is coming up in a few short days. I'm going to run into her in my travels. Whatever the results may be, the idea is to walk away from it with clarity. An understanding of what is and is not, and peace in my heart either way.
In the meantime I'm here, right now. Present. Trying to develop habits and practices that make me a 'better person'. And if you're sitting there reading this thinking, "do it for yourself", I can understand why. Plenty of 'good' people do it for themselves. But looking at those whom have influenced me most (my parents, for example), people whom I admire and hodl in the highest regard, have shown me that lived the way they did entirely "for themselves". What I witnessed and learned was that being a good person is not about about being virtuous just so you can live with comfortably with yourself (I'm not so far from that as is), nor is it to curb the fear of losing out of ultimate redemption at the end. It's about being a good person not only for yourself but for those around you as well. To improve not only your quality of life but the lives you touch. It's a gift, a unique one. I've felt it, it's special. And I would like to nuture that gift and share it one day as well.
So as I try and actively pursue this development, it will be hard. And I am all alone. But I have to keep in mind that it's not just for myself (I don't think I could make it if it were), but ultimately for those whom I love and will love in the rest of my life. Wish me luck, and please, help me out if you can afford to.
izzy806
turnnoffyourmind
theartofmadeline
janainaart
yousharknotpass
andulkaphoto
vaporwave