I Realize - Life introspection
There’s been a while from my latest post. Always questioning if there is a meaning in writing here.
Maybe not, maybe yes, maybe someone’ll read and feel something about him/herself.
Falling on this magazine I bought month ago, about Montaigne philosophy, I realize how much a mind can travel from idea to thousand of others in just few months.
And even if the other readings I had during this time can seem much different, I find in this particular moment, when I look back on the mood, spirit I felt, that they contribute, strengtene and feed a same purpose.
I red “Les accords toltèques”, “L’insoutenable légereté de l’être”, “Nadja”, “Jung”, and indeed, it makes me understand, and understanding is not yet practicing it, that we’re all leaving in a dream. As the famous quote of Shakespeare.
Montaigne said we have to know how to be to ourselves before giving these selves to others. Toltèques said we are leaving in a dream, a dream we buid since the day we’re born from education, tells of others, cinema, culture, and the way to happiness is to know where is the truth in all of this dream. Kundera illustrates in his story how life is ephemere, soft, uncatchable, ... there are beauty, coincidences, magic in life. Breton shares the same kind of thought. and Jung, shows how much we are guided by our inconsciousness, by our shadow, sometimes and often against a will gave by the persona, a persona who wants to please to society pressures.
All these ideas, spirits, minds, came through mine during these last few month. And now, I see. I see that the dream I built is full of judgementale sights, chains, big male voices screaming, fear from others, but I have to find the way to be on my own. Be ignoring this imaginative voices and chains. Be, completely free, me and put finally some silent on all these voices, these reproaches I had all my life. Nobody’s perfect, neither me or the people who reproach me things. I think finding his own way through life is the biggest purpose, above all the judgementale words.
We made mistakes, we fall, we lose friends, we feel down, but we find friends in people we didn’t see, and this is beautiful.
I think I lose the point I was seeking to write here ...
The thing I’m working on is the ability to make my choices following my own experience, my own wishes, without the rules of what a good life should be, or the pressure given by people around me.
The thing difficult is to define what I really want, what I really love, what I really want to do.
I realized, I don’t like to be around people who are not interesting to me, I don’t ant to make effort to communicate because for me it’s a waste of time, and time is so precious. I realize that all the complex I put to myself were build by words from people who finally, are not so comfortable with themselves either, and it was maybe a way for them to feel better. I don’t have to put their words as absolute truth about what I am. Our all life is just one draft and no one is blanked of mistakes.
I realize, people are not bad, they don’t all want to ashame me, this is a cloudy atmosphere I designed from school misadventures, family life troubles, but this is not an absolut truth, and I have to fight to see the good in people, because I already persue it, good people exist, I just have to open eyes and heart.
I realize, happiness is not about having a job to be proud of. At 24 y.o., I’m fashion designer in a nice international ready to wear brand, and friends and family are so proud of me, but the job is not so creative, and it takes all my day, and I don’t have mind and time to paint, play guitar, draw or sing.
I realize, time is short, and if I feel uncumfortable in a situation, I don’t have to feel guilty to leave before trying too much, I can find my way easily in a better situation.
I’m in this south france city where I don’t meet anyone I feel cumfortable with, I got a cat so I feel less lonely, the sun is rising and the see is there but, is this life ? I feel bored, because I’m so used to more, to rain, to weather changes, to have different projects, to meet people with art and music projects, ... I decided to leave, I made my choice, ...
And to go back to all these reading I bound, I can say Montaigne helps me every day to be to myself, to not give to much of me to people thinking that someday someone could understands me, as Carl Jung and Toltecs said, we’re all are big universe/cosmic skys/movings dreams meeting other universes. Everyone notice things in a own and particular way, and we have to agree that other people as close we can get to them will never be this particular sight.
Carl Jung said that this dream described by toltecs, is really specific to me, and other people can’t think the same as I am, I have to communicate, and share.
And as I discovered myself an INTJ, I have to fight through my shadow to bring back feelings, and open my heart. Forgive all these troubles that low me down.
Don’t hesitate to share with me if you red one of these books, experiences, or feelings. I’ll be glad to read and answer.
