FootPr!nts

21

[clairice98]

I just don’t know what to do

Every time I heard any love songs, ugh it makes me misses you so much. I hope there’s a delete button in this relationship but you say you will not stop texting me nor stopping it when I am in a new relationship. Best of friends you say? It actually kills me after this breakup, I am still chatting with you, sharing stupid couple stuff and sometimes you would to, so could you tell me what are we actually? Supposedly taking a break but ended up in a break up because we are both tired of the caring and loving as well as the distance but neither of us wanna give up, I guessed? Because deep down in me I really don’t and I do hope we still have a chance together in future no matter how many obstacles we face or how people interfere in between us. I will still constantly stalk you, waiting for your reply but it seems like I am not important still and you don’t give a fuck at all.

You used to call, you used to care, maybe it is just me or maybe it is the distance. I feel like I am not important to you anymore, I want to help even though I can’t but I am a listener, you talk about your problems I will listen, to help you release stress, to be there for you. Am I not the one you’re excited to talk to? To chat with and to find after work or in the early morning? Instead of me asking you to reply when you are obviously online? I am insecure and I overthink, I just want you to be noticed enough for you to reply because I am your girlfriend.

I hope you understand I want to be a part of your life, not to weigh you down but to be there for you, that makes you feel happy and stress free. Opening up to you hoping you would understand my disagreement and that we are in a relationship but all you ever think is that I am being paranoid and childish. Childish and selfish I guess we both are since we are still growing and learning in life. 

One month is all i give because I am hurt and tired deep down, confused on where we are standing now. After this one month, I’ll go. :)

[clairice98]

I thought it was simple as 1234. I was wrong to think of it this way. I’m tired and so are you. Tell me when you have decided to let go entirely or when someone makes your heart skips a beat again. #2

[clairice98]

I GRADUATED!

Gosh time flies. Two years of diploma in Culinary Arts ended and now it’s time for reality, work life/ adulthood. Well who doesn’t miss being a kid where there isn’t workloads of problems in the workplace and all these assignments and exams awaiting for you in college or university. To be honest I kinda miss my college classmates, they taught me a lot especially in kitchen and in life as well, cared for me throughout the way, definitely miss the late night studying in one of the hostels where we all gathered not exactly knowing what are we studying.

I’m turning 21 this year and yet when everyone asks what’s your future plan, all I do is just smile. Why so? It’s not because I don’t have a plan. My plan is to learn from the beginning start all over since my major is culinary apparently I’m interested in Pastry. Hopefully to have hands on in Pastry by working as a commis, being passionate about it. Normally whenever I step into the kitchen, I felt nervous, even when I’m onstage performing I’m nervous too, I guess it’s normal, right?

It’s quite hectic in the kitchen and everything has to be perfect like yes Exec chef’s level of perfection. Plus the consistency of everything, being smart able to think of a way to do your work within the time frame. Actually I’m blessed to have work for a pastry chef who is willing to hire me and teach me the basics in pastry. Unfortunately the stress of not handling his temper well and constantly f**ked up my job had led me in quitting this job. You are going to say oh wow she is weak, cannot even handle the pressure, she is not suitable in this industry. 

I have heard from the elders that this industry does not suit me at all and told me I am better off being an office lady. My answer will always be a “No” even though they may be right but I have my own ways and plans in my life. I will still pursue in this industry in the future no matter how hard it can be all I need is baby steps and all the courage, motivations instead of the negativity. 

Okay, I have done blabbing about my future and it’s a start of a new year. So, have a happy new year, 2019 it is. 

[clairice98]

Mistakes are meant to make, there’s no perfection. However, what can you do when you kept repeating the same mistakes again when you promised you won’t. Well you never meant to change and you never learn from the mistakes you’ve made. This is when you know you should start a change.

They told you not to but you believe in people especially those who like you and you pity them, so you accepted one of them who might have a big change just because of you but then months pass by when you realize the one you’ve had a crush on actually likes you back but too late you’re taken. So now both of them are in your mind and you don’t know what the f**k is wrong with your brain or your heart. And now how you wish you could go back in time and make changes, have more time. 

Thinking now why are you in a hurry to be loving someone and giving them your future into their bare hands. Now you can’t just hang out with your friends and literally just anything you just had to tell him. Feels like I’m tied. Regretting to not have knowing people more before accepting them resulting to the headaches and thoughts of them. Ugh what to do?  Should have just Dreaming Alone. <3

[clairice98]

Had to share this @WeHeartIt

[clairice98]

Just Blah~

I have tons of questions regarding about life experiences through these stupid emotions of mine. What is Love? What is fear? What is try? How? Just one word in each of these questions, the definition is not in my dictionary. 20 years and I have no idea what does these word actually means, how to feel and how to conquer it. I’ve got to stumble upon a huge barrier that i cannot fight through and of all these years I never achieved something big that I have ever been proud of. Yes never! Not that I can think of.

I mean all these years performing and still you have fear and you cannot sing well? Why yes rock and roll they say my voice belongs to but I cant hit the high notes even if I can the next chorus I’ll be running out of breath just struggling, this means I’ve been using the wrong technique for almost 7 years of singing, taken almost 4 years of vocal lessons and I am still struggling. What a waste of money, thinking you had tried but I guess well have not tried hard enough. You think with my voice I can enter The Voice? Probably but I cant even get a third place in the previous competition and no one says my voice actually blows people’s mind, so it is not good enough and I myself am not satisfied with it too.

Had this terrible feeling of fear in everything I do recently because in this course I have to take some rough criticism and scoldings from some bad tempered chefs and customers, well they say it helps you improve as this is what encouragement and waking you up means. But you know what the weak me do? I run. Run from the criticism, run to a place where people works in a friendly environment well too bad it does not last long. Pretending to be okay and almost shed tears while being explained and told what I did wrong. Afraid to even speak out because I am scared I got scolded even though they say it happens and you will eventually learn to remember as well. Unfortunately in these 2 years unless I am really happy or I see chefs are in a good mood, I will then ask them questions. In these 2 years, I can tell you I am only an average person just looking at the recipes, no improvements from plating, cooking, knowledge nor the cutting skills. Yes I started to wonder whether I am studying what I truly love because I do not know what love is.

Love? I do not know what love is and I have a boyfriend. He is too perfect until I feel like I am a useless person that I should not deserve to have him. I cannot help him solve the problems he was facing but he always finds a way to help me solve mine even giving some encouragement which I am really thankful but I am quite stubborn so encouragement does not work out well in my life. Also, I am terrible in cheering people up even with friends I can run out of words to say for all I know what to say when I see them is “Harloooo”, yes I am weird. They say I should just tell him how I feel when I am upset and needless to say literally just tell him everything as that is how we get to know more about each other and it is also a form of communicate. But i didn’t because I scared if I do he will think I am paranoid, stupid and useless, so most the problems i bottled it up, waiting for it to erupt hopefully not. 

Communication barrier happens because I do not speak well in Malay, wait no, it’s not just Malay, my first language, Chinese, I ever spoke, I cannot speak it well and this is not the first time because Ok la or Ok ah to people means you have not figured this out in your damn stupid mind, Yes or No are the real confirmation to most questions, its either you want it or you don’t. It shocks my Malay chefs that I actually gotten an A for Malay in SPM, oh well I was as shocked as you too. And yet here I am I do not speak Malay. 

Laziness. Why oh why you always interfere in what I wanted to do or achieve? Tell me how do you get rid of it. Well I was never proud nor satisfied with everything about me. Saying change or try is not useful to me at all, I said it and few weeks later I have not change a thing nor do i have the patience to wait for the results. I guess that’s why I never know the answers to these questions, I know what to do but barriers to what it seems like to me I can’t get through it, rusty brain indeed I have and always have malfunctions, I hate it, I hate myself too. Giving myself a hard time, leading towards mental breakdowns.

Tell ME what should I actually do that is really useful? 

This is just bullshits I had running through my mind and well I don’t exactly know why I have the courage to post this bullshit but if you did read it I am truly sorry to have wasted your time. 

ps Have a nice day yo :)

[tastefullyoffensive]

[clairice98]

You know your weaknesses and you are disappointed at them 

Yet you are not trying hard enough to change and so you are still where you are at

Letting the flames burn you twice 

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Spaghetti 🍝

Lemony Spaghetti with Peas and Ricotta

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The BEST Spaghetti all’Amatriciana

Black Pepper & Parmesan Spaghetti with Garlic Roasted Tomatoes

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Vegan strawberry cheesecake (oil-free) - recipe here

Really nice recipes. Every hour.

Show me what you cooked!

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BROWNIE MOSAIC CHEESECAKE

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Slow Cooker Beef Stew

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cranberry white chocolate mini cheesecakes

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Pumpkin Cheesecake

Pumpkin Cheesecake

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Creme Brulee Pumpkin Cheesecake

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soft and creamy no bake pumpkin cheesecake bites

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Spekkoek - Thousand Layer Cake (Lapis Legit) Spekkoek is a Dutch-Indonesian layered cake. Also known as spekkuk and kue lapis legit or ‘Thousand Layer Cake’ due to the many layers the cake is made of. Get the recipe: https://www.cakieshq.com/recipe/spekkoek-thousand-layer-cake-lapis-legit/

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[clairice98]

The world we live in is fucked up, we are fucked up. Money is the main thing we see and keeping us alive nowadays, without it, we’re just nothing and we can’t survive. That’s where lies and cons came in, laws meant nothing to them now, they use lies to cheat and survive, apparently cheating us to live a more better life than us, misusing the hard work money we earned to survive and being overly kindhearted to fall for their scams.

Wanting to get back whats rightfully mine is hard now, I want no harm to be done but thanks to you for  showing me and letting me awaken from the nightmares and how scary society can be, I have the positive mind on working harder to earn back what I’d lost including on getting stronger. Thank you for making me a fool, I hope you could turn over a new leaf and karma will one day hit you. :) 

ps kid please get a job

#dl

[clairice98]

1st. Not bad for the first day as chefs are all lovely, well for the Malay department. A mini orientation was held before assigning us to our departments. Will be cutting vegetables on the first week and doing some cooking on the second week. Was taught how to cook Udang Masak Lemak and do the setting up for the buffet dinner. The chefs were too nice that I feel bad for not understanding Malay hahahahha and as usual all I do was smile and giggle but am truly thankful. 👨🏾‍🍳 The only bad thing that happened was my chef paper hat, super duper uncomfortable with it as baby hairs and my ponytail appear in the end, strong wind can just blew it away. Oh well starting from the bottom no harm done, yet (hopefully not)