Imperfections.

Just shoot for the stars, if it feels right.

[clandestinestories]

Imma pour out my heart’s content again, and here it goes...

I’ve been in isolation for so long already, and it gave me enough time to re-think about my current situation in life. I feel like I’ve been a very problematic young adult, and I don’t want to continue being one. So I’m trying my best not to delve on negativity. But as time progress, I’m being dragged back to my current reality, albeit numerous curveballs that were thrown at me simultaneously.

As of this moment, I find solace in listening to lo-fi music, reading self-help articles (or any other reading materials that will help me maneuver my life), and drinking soju until I fall asleep. On the other hand, I despise the fact that I have to power through one of the biggest setback in my life, which is failing a very important exam. Also, I feel like not going to work due to the fact that I am surrounded by people who never wanted me to be there, I was able to secure my spot in my current job, despite the harshness that were thrown at me. I goes from being told I will never reach my dreams, being blamed for something that I did not do, being told that I will not last in my current job, being laughed at just because I am who I am and being misjudged at the same time. I remained strong because I keep telling myself that I am going to leave my job on the day I decided to do so, but I will never leave my job just because somebody told me to do so nor manipulated other people to believe that I will never be fit for the position. They could hate me all they want, I don’t really care anymore. I remember being strong for too long, but it seems like I feel that I need to take a step back for a while and just let myself process all the emotions that I bottled up for so long. I’ve been feeling low for almost a week already, and I feel like I need to pour out all the emotions that I have right now. Honestly, I feel like I can’t handle my emotions anymore, so I tried blogging about it. Maybe later I’ll feel a little relief just by sharing my thoughts out there, I just hope I won’t affect anyone negatively.

Now, I am focused on re-evaluating relationships with other people. I am slowly transitioning myself to become more positive, as I unload all the unnecessary negativity in my life. i am slowly trying to burn bridges again, as there are those people who suddenly appeared again in my life as I was maintaining my peaceful and unbothered life. I wish I could tell them to stay away from me, but I can’t do that because I don’t want to have bad blood to anyone. This remaining days of 2020, I will start burning bridges again. As the old saying goes, “may the bridges you burn light the way”, I truly wish that all the bridges I burned are worth my effort. Good luck to me, I guess.

[clandestinestories]

Next door monster chronicles #1

So the monster that sleeps in the other room is being a bitch lately. 

I can’t fucking stand her.

She’s going to throw me out of the house and make my dad hate me just because I did not help her with her fucking tablet. She went full retard when I said that her tablet is “not my problem”. Well, it’s true. It was never my problem. The bitch screamed the hell out of me just because I won’t download apps on her motherfucking tablet. Are fucking serious bitch!? 

And now, I apologized to her for my behavior, but she won’t accept it because she felt disrespected WHEN I DID NOT DOWNLOADED APPS ON HER FUCKING TABLET. 

YOU FUCKING MORON. YOU DUMBASS BITCH. IF YOU CAN’T DOWNLOAD APPS ON THAT FUCKING TABLET, THEN THROW IT AWAY OR GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY ELSE. I’M FUCKING BUSY TOO AND I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR WING YOU FUCKING BITCH.

YOU LAZY-ASS BITCH. YOU BAD MOUTH ME. YOU USE ME. YOU ABUSE ME. YOU PUT ME DOWN. NOW, YOU ASK FOR MY HELP. YOU FUCKING MORON I WISH YOU DIE RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

I am having anxiety attacks and breathing problems lately, but I can’t tell anyone about it, not even my mom, because she is the next door monster. 

[clandestinestories]

Today, I lost few of my friends..... but only the bad ones.

I’ve been under the weather the whole weekend and I don’t feel like so good.

Lately, I realized that I’ve been letting other people take control of my life. The whole idea of not having the ability to control my life kills me from the inside, but I can’t do anything about it since this is really part of every person’s life. I am in this phase again that I am hating my self. But, I’ll bounce back anytime soon. I’ve been here before, and I got through it. Bottomline is that I am self-destructing again, and I can’t do anything to stop everything that triggers me to self-destruct.

On late realizations

Few years ago, I remember praying for something, and I just received it today. I used to pray for the end of my friendship with few people that used me and abused my kindness. I don’t have any reason to walk away back then (or so I thought), so I prayed to God to let the friendship fizzle out, and it did! I’ve never been so happy that I can finally tell myself that I lost few friends, only the bad ones. I used to dread to see them, and I used to hate myself because I cannot live my life because, apparently, I need their fucking approval. Haha. I am generally a nice person (LOL), and I was not raised the way they were raised (which was very awful, btw).

I used so much of my resources to keep them under my wing, but they were never there when I needed someone. I am actually surprised that there are some of my close friends who were actually there when I needed help, and there are those who went out of their way just to keep me under their wing. I don’t know what I did right to deserve these kind of people in my life, that’s why I am extremely happy to have them with me. This time, I am thankful that I lost few friends, I have more room for those people who will put up with me through everything. 

Going back to my bad experiences (courtesy of my newly-offloaded toxic friends), I remember being lost and insecure back then. I felt like they want to have a new version of who I am. I remember this specific girl who only talked to me because she needed a ride to the dentist. I remember this girl lying straight to my face for two consecutive years. I remember this girl playing or toying with my emotions so that she can get something out of me. I remember this girl trying to make me her personal driver. I remember this girl who would want to get her hands on my resources. I remember this girl asking too much from me, she even wanted me to be disobedient to my own parents. Girls, for the record, I am not a perfect human being, and I’ll never be. But I am not like you, and your parents sucked so bad at raised girls like you. The more you claim that you are the “modern age strong independent women” makes me cringe because none of you are strong (BECAUSE ALL OF YOU BLAMED OTHER PEOPLE FOR THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS AND INACTIONS) and none of you are independent (ALL OF YOU WERE CLEARLY DEPENDENT OF ME BACK THEM BECAUSE YOU CANNOT AFFORD WHAT I HAVE YOU PRETENTIOUS BITCHES, YET YOU STILL BAD-MOUTH ME YOU SNEAKY RATS). Being with these girls made me feel stupid and used. I am happy that I am not with them anymore. Toodles!

[clandestinestories]

I’m back...?

I don’t know how to get back in the game again. I don’t know how to date again. Haha. I’ve been single for too long already and I don’t know how to flirt anymore.

I think I need to have a game plan now, or maybe a list of those qualities that I should look for in a person. I need to sort my priorities, so that I won’t fall for the wrong person again. 

The damage that I used to mend is now okay, and I think I can go back in the dating scene again. Kudos and good luck to me, I guess (?)

[clandestinestories]

Life has been very toxic lately, and I think I need to blow off some steam.

That’s why I’m here again in Tumblr. Hello again to my safe zone! :)

[clandestinestories]

Word Vomit #3

To that person who’ll never recognize me.

Hey there! I don’t know if you’ll have the chance to read this but I am really happy for you. I am genuinely happy for whatever is happening to your life right now. Who would’ve thought you’ll be where you are right now, right? Haha. :)

I still hope that one day you will write about me. I still believe that one day you’ll write for me and you’ll write about me, as I did for you. One day I’ll be the subject of your literary masterpiece, well, hopefully. :P

Goodbye to you, and yes, I still believe that your music preference is weird. Haha. :P

[clandestinestories]

I really need to re-calibrate my thoughts. I’ve been very flustered lately, and I don’t really know what to do with my life right now. 

For starters, I have a hue void in my heart right now that is waiting to be filled in (figuratively speaking, of course). Then, I am having anxiety attacks lately, but I try my best not to show it to anyone. I mean, who would want to look at someone who has a very lively and bubbly personality in a midst of suffering anxiety attacks? That will be very contradicting, right?

Also, I was slapped back to reality by a question that I’ve been avoiding all along. I need to answer the question because (1) it was asked by my “financer” and (2) we need to plan something and our life (and future) depends on it. I feel so small right now. I really want to be the best that I can be, but somethings don’t happen the way I want it. I feel so low right now. But I promised myself that one day my life will be on its peak again. When you’re hitting rock bottom, there’s no other way but up, right? Haha. So there, I still have hope and passion in my heart. Thank God,  those are still there. 

I don’t know how to end this blog post, I don’t even know why I wrote this. Haha. I’m out of words how to explain what I’m feeling right now. The words “sad” is not enough to explain it. :( I feel like I’ve lost control of my life right now, and I can’t do anything about it. :(

[clandestinestories]

Shooting stars

The terrible thing about me is that I give so much of myself to everyone. I learned at an early age that I should not trust anyone quickly and I should not let someone control me without my consent. But what do you expect from a girl who has this irrational hunger for love? 

I crave for love because I felt like I was never loved by anyone, not even my parents. I feel like I am alone and I can’t trust anyone around me. 

At a very early age I asked God why I was alive and I asked Him why was I created. I am just a stardust pretending to be a huge meteor, trying to make an impact to the world. But just like the meteor, I feel like nobody wants me to make a sudden landing in their lives. And just like a meteor, I feel like others see me beyond what I really am. You see, we think meteors are merely “shooting stars” that can make our wish come true if we make such wish at the exact moment the shooting star pass by. I am like that “shooting star”, because in reality I am but a meteor that can destroy anything and anyone in a whim, even if it was never my intention to do so (read: gravity). But others see me as an innocent shooting star that can make or do something for them, that I can make their wish come true, and other might be very ecstatic to see me because shooting stars are very rare to be seen. People have weird and superficial expectations from shooting stars, but shooting stars are but a dead meteorite.

I don’t know what led me thinking what I’m thinking right now, and I don’t know why I feel really really sad lately. I hope whatever I’m feeling right now is merely hormonal. I’ll try to wake up tomorrow smiling, okay?  

[clandestinestories]

Sleeping monster

To the monster next door,

I am always scared whenever you come home. I am scared that you might tarnish my heart again. I am scared that you might say words that will destroy me once more, as you’ve done in the past. I know you’re tired and stressed, but it does not mean that you have all the rights to hate me and make me hate myself.

I am scared that you’ll see something in me that is worth to be corrected. I tell you, there’s nothing wrong with me. I am not like you, I will never be like you, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Therefore, you do not need to correct me. I am me, and I am sorry if I can’t be like you. 

I am scared to do something bad, because instead of showing me what is right and what is wrong, you thrive through my heart and make me feel bad about myself. It is as if every wrong things that I’ve done outweigh all the right things that I’ve done. It is as if I never did something right. I have to tell you that I was never born to impress you. I was never born to be your punching bag. I deserve basic respect.

I fear you and I am scared for you. Few years from now I will be older and more physically and financially stable. I WILL LEAVE YOU HERE. I DON’T CARE HOW MUCH PAIN IT WILL GIVE YOU, BUT MARK MY WORDS: I WILL LEAVE YOU. 

I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t live in a house that makes my life a living hell everyday. I can’t be with someone who puts me down. I can’t be with the person who kept on wishing that keeps on hoping that I will fail because I deserve to fail. I CAN’T LIVE WITH MY MOTHER. Yes, the monster living next door is my mother and I am not ashamed to tell everyone that MY MOTHER SUCKS AT BEING A MOTHER. She puts me down, she hopes/wishes that I will fail at something, she abuses me emotionally, she kept on “correcting” me because I am not like her, SHE IS THE WORST MOTHER A PERSON CAN POSSIBLY HAVE. 

To be honest, I’d rather have a sister or a brother (or a lover, haha) than to have her as a mother. I will work hard and get out of this hell. I don’t want to be in this place anymore.I will save myself from this doom, because I never had a mother whom I can rely on. I never had a mother who values me. I never had a mother who actually cares about me. I NEVER HAD A MOTHER. (Oh, and yes, she is DEAD to me).

[clandestinestories]

Seclusion at its finest. Burning bridges again. This is goodbye. They only used me and abused my kindness. And it sucks.

[clandestinestories]

Do you just hate me so much? Probably, my existence troubles you. I am sorry. I never knew that i will give you more than what you expected. And again, I am sorry. Did I gave you so much pain? Did my existence hindered you from what you really want? Did you wish I was dead? Because I did. I am sorry for this. I am sorry for existing. I am sorry for ruining your life. I am sorry for being part of you life. I know I can't give you anything because I don't have a job. I know I don't have anything in my pocket. I have nothing to offer. I have nothing to give. I am sorry for existing. I never knew my mere existence troubles you. One day I will never bother you again. I am sorry I have to be the biggest burden in your life. This night will end, and my tears will dry. I am still hoping that one day I will feel the unconditional love that I yearned for since my younger years. I grew up unloved and misunderstood, sheltered and deprived. Now, I know why I can't find love. It is because I never felt it in the very first place. To you, you destroyed me. You destroyed every single pieces of me that I tried to build and rebuild day by day. You were never part of what I am now. I have to look out for my self. I have to protect myself. I need to comfort myself. I need myself. Not you, not them. I needed you once, but you left me hanging. I still need you now, but I can't feel your presence. I made my heart so pure and soft, but you keep on making it hard. I really want to love you. I really want to be closer to you. But this time, I've had enough. This needs to stop. And, I apologize but I have to protect myself from you. Goodbye to you. - my message to the monster in the next room

[clandestinestories]

What happened to us is something uncalled for

What is happening right now is really chaotic

What will happen in the next few days is, well, I don’t really know.

All I know is I will keep on fighting, I hope you will fight for yourself too. :)

-- Things that I want to tell myself

[clandestinestories]

Word Vomit #2

On frenemies.

I felt the exclusion, don’t worry. All of you made me feel bad for so many days, and one day of small talk will never take that away.

I will not let anyone of you hurt me again. Whatever you’re doing right now, it reflects how bad you are in real life. Don’t get me wrong on this, I heard few people talk about you and how bad all of you treat me. 

Maybe my frenemies forgot the fact that they’ve never been on shoes. Trust me, if they were me, they will be broken as hell. Haha. How can I be so sure? Because I know how weak they are. Yes, I observe them. I take mental notes of what they are. I know what can make or break them. 

For the record, I hate all of them (my frenemies), but I still have 3 more semesters to deal with them, and it sucks! Haha. 

Oh btw, they have those moments that they kept of questioning their fate, like why do bad things happen to them. I know all of the answers, actually. I know everything. But the answer is just enveloped in one word and that is: KARMA. 

[clandestinestories]

Word vomit #1

I just had the shittiest morning I could probably imagine. I woke up tired, scolded, in pain, stressed, emotionally abused, and confused. Shitty, right?

I can’t understand how much negativity I could feel in one morning, but hey, life goes on!

Moving on, I am currently under distress and confusion because I’ve been worrying for so many things lately like my fake friends, my fake frenemies, my s***** home, my love life in a downward spiral, and my mediocre grades. I am a worrier, I know. At least I have this blog. I can use this as an escape from everything, from everyone. Haha. Thank God for anonymity! 

[clandestinestories]

Save me, please?

I need a safe place. A fortress. 

Nobody’s out there to attack me, I know. But in same way, nobody’s out there to look out for me. Yes, I know.

I don’t need all the world’s riches. I don’t even want it. I just need a safe and quiet space that I can call my own. I need a group of people that I can feel safe and loved. 

So for the next person who will love me, don’t worry, I will love you back. But please, save me. Be my escape. Let our love be the joy that I crave for and please make me feel safe. I need a fortress, because my life is a one big battlefield.

-- Random thoughts in my head for the next person that I will love.

[clandestinestories]

Exclusion

I wish I knew better. Had I known that I’ll feel this lost, I would not have let my guard down. 

Thank you for reminding me that I cannot trust anyone.

Thank you for reminding me not to let anyone in anymore.

Thank you for reminding me that I have no place in your heart

Thank you for reminding me that I should never settle 

Thank you for making me feel alone despite being with you

Thank you for making me feel this way, had I not felt this, I would never know how weak I am.

Thank you for letting me know that all of you will never be worth my time, and in same way, I will never be worth your time.

After this “phase”, I will say goodbye to all of you with a smile on my face and a happy (and relieved) heart. 

I will mask this with a smile, but I will ALWAYS remember this. Thank you for putting me in my place, and that place is outside of your “company”

Lastly, thank you for excluding me, you don’t know how much damage you put in my heart. But with this damage, I will become stronger. 

[clandestinestories]

Too numb for my kind.

I tried forcing my self to “fall” in love again. I gave myself a chance to do a little flirting from time to time, but I just can’t do it. Have I lost it? If yes, then how? If no, then why can’t I be like everyone who can fall in love again after a massive heartbreak?

Was it because I was too damn broken? Or maybe because I invalidated all the possible emotions that I feel? Is this the real meaning of strength? Is this how should it be?

For so many years I tried not falling in love because I was too damn scared to make mistakes again. Now that I don’t care about mistakes anymore, I think I lost my “ability” to love. I think I invalidated my feelings too much. I think I made my self too strong for my kind. I think I made a monster out of me. I think I built strong walls around me so that no one can hurt me anymore. I think I never want to leave my safe zone, even if I think I do.

To you, whoever you are, give attention to what you feel right now. Make sure that you validate each and every emotions that you have in you. Because once you’re numb, you can never go back.