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i don’t know how this works but i’m here to vent, is that allowed? i need to spill my guts or else this hole will shallow me up. she/he/they nd

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intro post

ok so i’ve seen several blogs now doing pinned intro posts, here’s mine!

first, please be nice; dni if you’re not gonna be.

i’m an adult, queer, neurodivergent, university student.

she/he/they —i don’t really mind what pronouns people use to refer to me.

english is not my first language so mistakes and weird sentencing is guaranteed.

i made this blog because i feel very lonely and i can’t keep everything inside anymore. i just want to scream to the void that is the internet. i also struggle to put my feelings into words when i’m not ok (i used to write in a notebook but that’s been difficult lately), so maybe this will help. i said all this in my first post but yeah, that will probably get lost lol.

while i sometimes just vent my frustrations, i will probably talk about serious topics so, trigger warning! for suicidal ideation, sh, heavy stuff which happens in the world like sa, wars, genocide, etc., weird relationship with food… dunno what else i should tw, but you get gist of it.

i talk a lot about being queer, neurodivergent and related topics and life struggles i guess. i also have a few medical conditions so that too.

if i’m feeling well enough maybe i will also talk about love, hope and stuff. maybe even about fandoms i’m in.

i think this about sums it up, feel free to call me out if i missed something or there’s anything i should change. also please bear with me i’m new to tumblr so i’m still figuring it out how it works.

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ok so, i first chose my double degree (maths and physics) cuz i didn’t know what else to do and i had a really high entrance grade so it was basically guaranteed that i would get in.

did i like it? maybe? i don’t know. i can never tell if i like something or not for real, specially when it comes to school stuff cuz growing up everything came easy to me, i never really had to study much. and everyone encouraged me to pursue it cuz it is a “real degree”, i “had the grades and the brains to do it”, and in their minds it’s better to do a double degree instead of just one (i think this is an insane way of thinking, but whatever, still my fault cuz i when through with it). and so i thought that, even if it turned out i didn’t like it that much, it would be fine cuz i would eventually get a taste for it (dunno if that’s the correct english expression).

it’s been now a couple years and many failed classes and i think i’m going to drop maths and just stick to physics. i know of others in my exact situation (let’s just my math faculty is very demanding; and i personally don’t like how we’re being taught) that have either already dropped out or still want to keep going even if they’re still dealing with first year classes and on the verge of spending all their available retakes.

i just don’t think i can do it anymore. i don’t like math enough to subject myself to the degree. and i’m not doing well mentally nor physically.

i, of course, feel like a failure, which i know it’s dumb and not true. but i can’t help it.

i also feel like time’s running out and here i am still at the starting line when ppl my age are graduating next year or soon enough (sticking just to physics means some classes i took don’t give me credits for it so i’ll have to take first year classes).

anyways, this is it, i’m tired. it’s messy and not very coherent but i’m out of brain power. just needed to rant.

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my in laws are always so so sweet and understanding and supportive it makes me wanna cry

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on the daily basis i don’t usually talk to many people apart from my partner, but texting my friends (we don’t live close) makes me feel so bad and selfish, like i’m begging for attention.

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you only care about my wellbeing when it can affect your public image

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the fact that i said “there are places where women don’t have rights over their own bodies” and their answer was “and what is it to you? you don’t live there so drop it and stop being annoying”…

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using ai to promote art school career prospects.. you have to laugh

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i made katsuki an all might card in tomodachi and he’s ALL THE TIME WITH IT IM CRYING saying it’s his most prized possession and talking about it non stop to everyone else 😭😭😭

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ok so in tomodachi life first i created aya and istg THE MOMENT i created mitsuki and dropped them together AYA FELL IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT!! NOT EVEN A HELLO NICE TO MEET YOU

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sometimes my friends (all boys who play lots of video games on discord which i can’t usually join cuz i don’t have a pc and my 10yo fried laptop barely withstands a google search) decide to do some group activity and they absolutely forget about me and i have to pretend i don’t want to go curl up into a ball and cry. it doesn’t bother me that since they hang out more together they’re closer than i am to them, but at the same time, cmon guys you’re doing an activity which i could for once join. idk if they don’t ask me cuz they assume my bf (we’re both in the same friend group) is going to ask me, even tho they could directly ask me cuz we’ve known each other for years already, or if they do in fact forget.

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some ppl don’t get it but i need the sad, angsty, yearning songs injected in my veins. yes they make me sad and full of longing that’s the whole point i need to feel that shit deep in my chest. am i also in a loving committed relationship? yes. but every break up sad song can be about your life or other relationships if they get bad enough

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i wont deny diagnosis are useful and give you some kind of peace of mind; i am grateful i’m diagnosed. but sometimes its so frustrating. what does it matter whether i have it or not? when the adaptations are almost always shit or non existent? when no one ever thought of telling me what my diagnosis actually entails?

i spent most of my childhood trying to hide i was gifted, feeling utterly ashamed. school would only give me extra “creative” homework. and then in high school, yeah, i got to attend a few programs but about my mental health? i hated the high school education system with a passion, it was and it is clearly not made for us. and everyone apparently knew school failure was pretty common in gifted kids yet no one thought about teaching us how to study. i never once had to seriously study a lot to excel in high school and now that i’m older i’m paying the consequences. i don’t know how to study, i feel dumb whenever it takes me a bit more to understand concepts, i don’t know how to deal with my feelings and my intrusive thoughts, i feel like my brain is always lagging now cuz my mental health keeps taking a toll on me.

i know it’s my responsibility now to fix myself but i just wish they would’ve given us more emotional support in school instead of extra activities. i mean, if you pride yourself in being one of the best of the region in gifted programs, why nobody educated themselves in how to actually deal with gifted kids? when i realised i was right about my feelings being related to my giftedness it literally took a google search and boom! so much information available!

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can i for once not fuck it up? just this once please i won’t ask for anything else ever again please

[infraliminalchaos]

I just want to take a step back from everything. And shut myself away in my own space for a while.

[scoutology]

#crysobbing

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saw a comment on tt saying smth like “i wish i could do one thing everyday. today i could eat. tomorrow i could….” and they were so right. i’d be such a relief being like: today’s eating day, tomorrow shower, and then the following i could go for a walk.

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tw. suicidal ideation, sh

i know i shouldn’t talk nor think about this kind of thing. but i need to get this off my chest for real.

on my personal notebook —well, i guess at this point it’s more of a diary? how corny— i’ve written about death and suicide a lot over the years. ever since the thought suddenly popped into my head and decided to make a home there.

at first it was more of a “please, someone/something put me out of my misery. i can’t do this anymore”. and it stayed that way until i got better and forgot about it for a while.

when the thoughts came back, around two years ago or something, i couldn’t really deal with them and also my life. it was one or the other and eventually i kind of fell apart. still, it was more or less fine because i convinced myself i could take that time to get better and make a come back the following year. moreover, i was thinking mainly about sh so the feelings were different. i mean, i had to constantly fight the urge to sh and would cry and panic often, but i just had to bear with it, get over it during the summer and get myself together for the following year. i hadn’t messed up that much, the situation could still be fixable.

well i never got over it, it kind of faded a bit and came back soon after the school year started. this time, however, the thoughts weren’t so much about sh but about death again. time kept passing and i wasn’t getting better despite my hopes and then i really started contemplating the possibility. i know i’m not brave enough to actually do it, i’ve always known i’m a coward, but it just won’t leave my mind.

everyday i wonder what it would be like to attempt. i think about writing letters and what i would say. i’ve even considered it my alternative plan in case i fail at what i’m doing now, and i found so much comfort in it i surprised myself. and at the same time it makes me feel depressed. because i want to live so differently and so much that i’m contemplating ending it all because i don’t see myself achieving it. and i definitely don’t have the energy right now to drastically change, even if i know what i need to do. i also feel like an awful person for even considering it because my bf would probably find me and i can’t do that to him. how can i even think about putting him through that?

it’s all so confusing and so.. so normal to think about. i’ve normalised thinking about it in my head. i have to remind myself it’s not. and i really want to talk about it with some of my friends or my bf but the words always get stuck in my throat and then i remember i shouldn’t even have these thoughts, i’m a grown up after all.