A sub’s guide.
As a subby, bottomy type, you don’t actually have to script out every little action that your Dom takes. But you do need to develop a sense of your own sexual tastes, what you enjoy and what squicks you out and which activities your body takes the most kindly to.
Do you need warming up before you can be penetrated?
What positions are easiest on your neck, your throat, your hips, your lower back?
Do you love providing sexual service, or is it performing chores that really gets you going?
How do you like being spoken to while you are in subby mode, or do you not want to be addressed at all?
Understanding what you like and how your body responds isn’t the same thing as topping from the bottom, it’s just being a remotely present partner, and your Doms will appreciate you for giving them some vision to work with. You can, if you like, create a ‘user manual’ for the people you want to use you.
If you are inexperienced, the best way to start is by looking at tons of porn — videos, animated gifs, erotic stories, fan art, jerk-off-instruction audios, OnlyFans content, whatever. Simply observe what gets you going, and the activities you might like to try, and save your favorites in a dedicated folder you can share with your Dom.
Pay attention, also, to the content of your masturbatory fantasies. When you think about someone “doing whatever they want” to you, what is it that they actually do? I guarantee there’s recurring themes.
Are you getting fucked in the pussy or the ass?
In the mouth?
Are you alone in a home, or getting gang-banged by a crowd at a party?
Are you being kidnapped into forced sexual service, or is your Dom a God that you are eager to serve?
Think also about how you would like being sexually “passive” to make you feel:
Do you like feeling appreciated? Empty? Dumb? Insatiable? Ignored?
In your fantasies, is the Dom cruel, care-taking, indifferent, or something else?
Do you want to walk away from the sex feeling used? Blank? Accomplished? Exhausted? Grateful?
Do you imagine yourself enjoying the sex/scene as it happens? Or do you want it to be overwhelming/painful/confusing/difficult to process?
Do you want to fight back and be conquered, or do you like being docile and obedient?
Write down some of the feelings that resonate with you, so that your future Dom knows how to play their role, and what to expect from you. This is actually a crucial part of determining sexual compatibility!
Be Direct
Once you have a good sense of what gets you going, put that language all over your hookup and dating-app profiles.
Being open & unabashed about your interests will really make your profile stand out, as most hookup app users make the mistake of being overly generic and tame in the hopes of appealing to the maximum number of people.
I speak from experience: you do not want to do that! You’ll only waste your time pretending to be something you’re not, with somebody who has no idea how to show up as themselves either! You do not have infinite messaging time! Narrow your attention down to the people who will be a good fit.
In your bios, you want to be so singularly yourself that incompatible people will see themselves out. The more information you provide about who you are and the vibe you want, the more prepared Doms will feel approaching you. You’ll also scare off the opportunists and would-be abusers who treat kink as an inroad to an easy lay.
Here are some actual bios I’ve used:
Submissive trans guy seeks Dominant type for power-dynamic-fueled sex and play. Into bondage, being given commands, training, restraints, blindfolds, gags, chains, collars, handcuffs, and more. No vanilla, sorry. Highly submissive, seeking Dominants only. I like being told what to do and used for another person’s satisfaction. No pleasure tops, no cunnilingus; I want the focus to be on being good and obedient for you. Big fan of being praised and snuggled with. In the past few years, I’ve mostly stuck to casual BDSM encounters on apps like Grindr. Now I’m searching for a more intense emotional connection with the possibility of long-term commitment. I am non-monogamous but not polyamorous, and pretty much exclusively submissive.
Don’t be afraid to be selfish and specific. You should have some skills and exciting interests to offer to a partner, yes, but remember that your submission is part of the gift! Good Dominants will want to understand what gets you relaxed into a more submissive headspace, where the boundaries of the fantasy are for you, and how they can play around inside it.
You can read the full piece for free on my Substack at this link.
