Clearing My Headspace

Figuring out my ADHD one day at a time.

[clearingmyheadspace]

You’re mad at me for not apologizing enough for the intense way I reacted to you excluding me, bullying me, and berating me. Even though I spent my entire fucking life apologizing for being human and having reactions to your shitty behavior.

I had autistic meltdowns because you treated me like shit and then you got mad about it. I hope someday someone says that out loud to you and you hear how fucking stupid that is.

Oh, and I cut you off, but you can go on believing whatever you want, because even though you broke me, I’m over here picking up the pieces with people who actually love me.

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I’ve been fighting my brain all weekend. It won’t shut up.

My thoughts have been on a loop while I try to remind my nervous system that while I’m hurting it’s not actually my fault and the anxiety attack is unnecessary.

I need constant reminders that the person gaslighting me into thinking I’m the problem for reacting poorly to being bullied, is the actual problem for bullying me since childhood in the first place. That if I hadn’t been put on the defensive from the time I was able to speak, I wouldn’t constantly feel the need to defend myself now. That their disdain for my poor reactions to being bullied wouldn’t be a problem if they hadn’t been awful to me for the entirety of our existence together.

Have my emotions been uncontrolled and inexplicably intense in the past? Yes. Do I know now that part of that is autism and part of it is CPTSD? Yes. Is that an excuse? No, it’s an explanation that if I had any type of supports or therapy from the start, I could have had different life experience.

I feel disgusted that all of this has made me the black sheep. Ableism and emotional immaturity have gone so unchecked and no one has been held accountable for the cause but I’ve been ridiculed for the effect. I’m enraged that in the end no one gives a shit about the actual human they hurt - just that they’re seen as the savior they think they are.

Therapy has been incredibly helpful since I started realizing how much I’ve been manipulated my whole life but there’s still so much more work to do.

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I’m starting to consider the possibility that my sisters are both emotionally manipulative. The younger is absolutely a narcissist in more ways than I can count but the older one is less obvious about it.

The gaslighting is undeniable and was evident when I sent a letter that she rejected because I supposedly didn’t take responsibility for my actions and behavior. But what about her actions and behavior? There is never any accountability there. And I can never say the right thing. Communicating with her is an impossible task.

So, when I got a “last email” this week with devastating information and she once again blamed my lack of responsibility, I got angrier than I have ever been. I took a day to process, and then I decided I am absolutely fucking done.

If she wants to be pandered to she can go to the narcissist.

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365 Days

Photo by Alexas Fotos on Pexels.com It’s been almost 365 days since I last spoke to my older sister, and about 4 months longer since I last spoke to my younger sister. I am sure that they’ve viewed this no-contact period as a “tantrum” or similar “immature” behavior because I didn’t like what they said to me or about me. At least that’s what I believe based on my past experiences with them.

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[breatherunlive]

I’m really angry. I’m angry that my whole life I’ve been treated as too weird, too sensitive, too serious, too different, and too much.

I’m angry that science took so long to figure out that women can be autistic too and that our traits and presentations are vastly different. I’m angry that the stereotypes did nothing to help. I’m angry that people thought of the spectrum as a line instead of the circular diagram or color wheel that it truly is.

I’m angry that because of all this I spent my life being misunderstood, bullied, criticized, ridiculed, othered, belittled…

And I’m angry that when I spoke up to express myself to the people close to me didn’t believe me, and will now be the ones who will never admit they were the worst perpetrators of this harm done to me simply because they didn’t understand me.

I’m just fucking angry.

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In my autism assessment today, my diagnostician said to me “regardless of the outcome here, self-diagnoses is valid.”

But my own sisters laughed at the thought that I self-diagnosed my autism. One of them literally laughed in my face. They both ridiculed me.

And that is why people don’t openly identify as autistic.

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“Well, Dougie Seeger’s [non-verbal] autistic. He didn’t care. His heart wasn’t broken.” - Dr. Temperance Brennan on Bones

Bullshit.

First, I know this was on the air in 2009, and at the time Asperger’s was still an acceptable diagnosis (or “high functioning autism), but that doesn’t make the statement any less inappropriately stereotypical or hurtful.

Side note: Dr. Asperger was a Nazi and a eugenicist. The diagnosis was removed from the DSM-5 and is no longer used. Some people (ie mostly white males who were the predominant group to get this diagnosis) do still call themselves “Aspis” but they are perpetuating the ableist and harmful Nazi supremacist ideals the diagnosis was born from. It is largely shunned by the autistic community.

The truth is that many autistic people feel very deeply. Overwhelmingly so… which can lead to autistic meltdowns and burnout. The reason it’s called a spectrum disorder is because it’s a variation of traits that are experienced and expressed in a myriad of ways.

Also, this notion that non-verbal autistic people can’t express themselves is major bullshit. They may express themselves in a way others can’t understand. They may have different ways to communicate other than through language.

I know it’s just a show and I know it aired a long time ago but these are the very harmful stereotypes and media portrayals that have left me unable to get a formal diagnosis as an adults, and left others without the supports that they need even if they do have a formal diagnosis.

I can’t stand Sean from “The Good Doctor” for the same reason. The stereotypes and naivety he portrays are the actual worst because it perpetuates the stigma that autistic people are clueless about social norms and emotionless drones. We are absolutely capable of learning social norms. We absolutely feel just like allistic (non-autistic) people

The more I learn about myself and my autism, the angrier these types of things make me.

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RSD had me in a bad/anxious/sad mood today and it took me until just now to realized how much of that is trauma related to my childhood and how much of an outsider I’ve been my whole life.

I have amazing friends who love and accept me but before I found them, I spent the majority of 40 years trying to make people like me, and pretending to be someone I thought others wanted me to be. I think all of that has taken a larger toll on me than I’ve ever realized before.

Taking the masks off has left me feeling like I can just be who I want to be, but it doesn’t erase old habits, emotions, and behavior from those traumas.

I guess I know what I need to bring up in therapy next week.

[clearingmyheadspace]

The RAADS-R evaluation on Embrace Autism is a kind of guide for people who think they may be autistic to answer some self evaluation questions.

A neurotypical person won’t score above a 65. Anyone scoring above that is likely autistic (and may want to seek further evaluation).

When I first heard about it I was just curious… I scored a 145. After working to unmask my ADHD for a while I took it again. I scored a 158.

Today I took it again because I’d been doubting myself after my sisters laughed at my self diagnosis and belittled me for it.

I didn’t answer the questions truthfully at first. I kept justifying answers instead of just being honest with myself. My score was still 136. Even when adjusting questions to the way I think someone perceives me.

After changing those answers to the way I truly feel about myself, my score was 168.

Unmasking is constant hard work, and I’m always trying to undo the internalized ableism that blocks me from being myself, but all of this has helped me realize that I really am autistic. I don’t need to justify that to anyone. I can’t help who I am and I shouldn’t have to explain that to anyone who truly loves me.

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My girls are home. 🥰

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I am not broken.

If someone ever said to you “stop making neurodivergence your whole personality,” what would you say in response? Because by definition a neurodivergence is a neurological disorder (I strongly dislike that word but it’s the scientific term) affects your behaviors. Isn’t that at least a part of your personality?? How you behave and how you react to the world around you is a huge part of who you are, so why is it…

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[clearingmyheadspace]

Trolling or argumentative comments are not welcome. This is a safe space to express my experience with my diagnosis and I will not allow anyone to intrude on that.

This blog is for me… but I’m glad if it helps you too.

[clearingmyheadspace]

I am not broken.

If someone ever said to you “stop making neurodivergence your whole personality,” what would you say in response? Because by definition a neurodivergence is a neurological disorder (I strongly dislike that word but it’s the scientific term) affects your behaviors. Isn’t that at least a part of your personality?? How you behave and how you react to the world around you is a huge part of who you are, so why is it…

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[clearingmyheadspace]

Comfort and Coping

In my journey of discovering I’m finding that my sensory issues are not my ADHD and are more likely Autism related. It’s possible that two disorders coexist more than previously though, and that things like “sensory processing disorder” are more likely an autistic trait rather than a comorbidity of ADHD. Meltdowns happen to me when I’m overstimulated and overwhelmed from sensory processing issues. This can…

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[clearingmyheadspace]

I have a tub of old photographs that I’m currently trying to go through to discard old shit I don’t want…

There are tons of good memories mixed with a lot more bad and it’s hard. I wonder if it ever gets easier. It’s all high school trauma.

I wonder if I’d known then that I was ADHD (and probably autistic) if any of this would feel different now.

It is A LOT to process. Probably going to be a longer post later.

This truly sucks.

[clearingmyheadspace]

Tantrum... or Neurodivergent Meltdown

I dealt with a lot of emotions over the weekend, particularly yesterday. Read on in the link to learn more.

Tantrum… or Neurodivergent Meltdown

I was always “too sensitive,” even when I was very young. I was always the first to get their feelings hurt and the first to get into a scre

[clearingmyheadspace]

Hello Y'all!

I've decided to start typing out my thoughts and experiences learning about my ADHD and the grieving process that comes along with a late-diagnosis.

It's been helpful to express myself on my main blog but I want to be able to find all of these thoughts in one place, so I started a wordpress page and thought some of you will find it interesting or helpful. Or even if you don't but you know someone that will, please feel free to share this with them.

Here's my new blog.