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Guilt.

I said no to the third sibling. This is baby Jasmine who lives just a couple miles away and absolutely is doted on and adored by her mom. Does her mom do things that I wouldn't do? Yes, absolutely. But is she loved and cared for? Whole heartedly, yes.

And yet... I sometimes think I should have said yes. I said no for the family I have - because saying yes would have meant that my oldest kid got lost and I wasn't willing to do that. Saying yes would have meant saying no to the job that I generally love and find a lot of meaning in (even though I'm actually totally fine with it if they fire me).

Ginny misses her little sister. A lot. We get together often, but it's not living together 24/7. And today I feel guilt for this.

Things are... nice.

Kids are good. After more than 3 years, Ian is about to be adopted. Lil' sis (Jasmine) is doing well with her mom (who is also about to adopt her). We miss Ellie and got a rare text back from our video message to her guardian singing her happy birthday.

Husband has a (Boring for him but pays well) job which has a weird schedule but it allows him to see the kids and be around for all their events. Last year he had this shocking revelation - he realized that his dad had all these intense hobbies and did all these (important to him) projects all throughout Husband's childhood only because he didn't go to any of Husband's childhood stuff... Not up until it intersected with his own interests which was when Husband was in high school.

Anyway, husband has been really enjoying the part of his job that means he's around for all the kid stuff.

We officially are closing our house once Ian is adopted. I have zero qualms and am thankful for everyone on her who listened to me freakout over the past decade.

Ian

My littlest dude has gone to school without a pull-up two days in a row.

I am SO HAPPY. I've been changing diapers for 9 1/2 years with only one 3 month break... It's been a lot of diapers and I'm READY to move forward.

Work wins

I have (sadly) become important at work. I am several people's boss' boss. Actually. you could probably add a layer or two in there...

Yesterday we had something that had to be done that day. Finally, at 6:30, the manager who reports to me reaches out and tells me he's stuck. There's a spreadsheet with a model and one line isn't working.

No problem. Send to me. Thank you guys for staying late, I'll fix it and we'll address in the morning. Within 40 minutes, I fixed a bizarre obscure formula error in the one line that made everything work, checked the whole thing and sent it back. I've still got it.

Semi-Related

Ian is 2 1/2 but a very bright kid. Ginny is 4 and has been practicing writing all of our names and our last name. "Mommy LastName, Daddy Lastname, Ranger Lastname, Ginny Lastname, Ian Lastname."

Then Ranger pipes up, 'Actually - his last name is FirstLast. Like yours before you were adopted!'

Ginny, 'OHHHH. Okay!'

Ian - 'DAT NOT MY NAME. I (nickname) LastName.'

Ginny (in a sassy know it all four year old tone) - Well. We need to write what our FULL name is. Like I'm Virginia, not just Ginny.'

Ian - 'No. I (nickname) Lastname. You write Nickname Lastname.'

So. That's where we are. After never expecting to have a nickname kid, I now apparently have two.

Just ranting

Let me start by saying that Ginny and Ian's birth mom is somebody who I can never really get mad at... like, I'll admit that with Ellie's parents, I would sometimes get mad at her parents.

'Do better for your kids. Stop doing awful things and leaving them to pick up the pieces.' type stuff. Not even related to me, moreso just that kind of 'Ugh, stop sucking' rage that I think we can relate to.

Ginny and Ian (and Jasmine)'s mom is something else entirely. Fun story - she just disappeared for a year. She called the worker to 'say hi' but refused to talk about the case. She said again that she 'knows she doesn't have parental rights to Ian anymore but does want to visit Jasmine.'

Friends. She still has her rights to BOTH kids. They haven't moved forward with TPR because 1) Who cares about permanency, 2) They couldn't serve mom because she'd left the area and couldn't be found, 3) They keep pushing the court date for reasons nobody can tell me.

Bedtime procrastination

I will have to be a human in 6 hours. I will have to convince 3 semi-sentient beings that they need to wear clean underwear and socks and appropriate clothes. I should go to sleep.

And yet... right now nobody needs anything from me and I'm just riding that high.

Lol

Oh, and in case anybody is wondering, even though Ian's case has been incredibly uncomplicated (reunification is not an option), various bizarre things mean that kiddo is still in limbo.

Also, I have a caseworker visit this morning... because oddly Monday morning first thing was the most convenient time... go figure.

Moving Forward

Ian is now almost 2 1/2. He's now a month older than Ginny was when Ian came to live with us. It's wild because it feels like we're finally moving forward. I'm genuinely happy to have 'kids', not babies.

Yesterday, we took the kids skiing at our little local ski mountain. Ranger is a better skier than I will ever be and was spinning laps with my husband while I had Ginny and Ian on a small gentle area where the kiddos can learn to slow, steer, and stop. Ginny showed me she can stop, she can turn, she can stay on her feet!! We're going to go out with the leashes soon and I'm genuinely excited to see what she can do.

Poor Ian... we discovered that his feet must have grown from when we got his boots and we could not fit his feet in his ski boots... so poor kid was literally holding his skis copying his big sis going down the hill. We got that sorted and... I might just bring the kids skiing after work tonight. I might have Ranger help us teach the little ones to ski...

But truly - I still feel some guilt for not saying yes to Baby Jasmine even though she is so loved and doing so well. Ginny has a hard time leaving her when we visit especially and I sometimes wonder if I should have just quit my job and... accepted it... but then I realize that my kids are currently THRIVING and they love our nontraditional family.

Oldest v. Youngest

We're going to visit the 'fun aunt and uncle' for Thanksgiving. Fun Aunt and Uncle are JAZZED about having my kiddos visit. I'm psyched for the first time in years about Thanksgiving.

I asked the boys what they wanted to do with Fun Aunt and Uncle. Oldest? "I would really like to watch Home Alone 2 with them. Last time, they showed me Home Alone for the first time and it was awesome, so this time it would be fun to watch Home Alone 2." Agreed kiddo, great idea.

Youngest kid? "I eat cheese with (Fun Aunt)."

Yes. His plan is to eat cheese with his Aunt which... she is totally game for.

A Good Boy

TW: Pet Loss

Following up on last week - it was the right decision. 100%. I had guilt that I was being selfish and worrying about logistics, but once we made the call... it was so clear that it was the right one.

Our good boy crossed the rainbow bridge laying in the backyard with my oldest 2 kids, my husband, and I all loving on him. I kept saying 'thank you' to my doggie who truly is the start of us being a family.

Honestly, we're all good. Like, it was truly peaceful and beautiful. Logistically though, it's so weird to not have a dog as we've had a dog for basically the entirety of our adult lives. We're taking a break until the kids are a little more self sufficient.

But... I am so glad everything happened the way it did. Thank you all for your love - it was the vibe we carried forward.

The goodbye (canine edition)

TW - Old doggie coming to the end of his days.

Sorry, I don't know where to put these feelings.

We have just the best pup. He's 14 1/2, a lab, and has been with us since he was a tiny puppy. He was my company when it was just my husband and I and husband travelled for work. He's been with us through kids and fostering and everything. I've also had and lost pets before but this is my first one where we are the adults making the call.

He's 14 1/2. He honestly did incredible up until maybe 9 months ago. He has arthritis, but now he can't get up without help. In the past week or two, we've seen a rapid deterioration... both husband and I have come to terms that it's not getting better.

I think it's the 'when' that's the hardest part. I've known that it's going to happen and honestly the last 3 years have felt like such a gift. We talk openly with our kids about it and they know that he's very old and likely will die soon. A couple things have happened in the past week which are red flags that the time is coming sooner...

Yet I feel almost selfish. Like, we're supposed to travel for Thanksgiving, am I forcing this too fast because I don't want to move that? But logically, I know... if he doesn't try to steal the kids' food tomorrow, that will be a big sign. That was always our thing we looked out for. Somebody tell me we'll make the right choice.

update

Ah yes. It's that time of year where I write a little blurb for the caseworker to use in Ian's permanency report.

'Kiddo is 2 and awesome' is not quite enough...

This morning, I woke up and went for an 8+ mile run with Ian in the stroller. One set of grandparents had Ranger, the other side had Ginny. Both of my big kids were living their best lives. It was the future I had dreamed of for YEARS.

I can't help think that it's funny (ironic?) that for years when I was drowning solo parenting 3 kids while my husband was out at sea, there were no/rare offers to take a kid for the weekend. Now that he's on shore, they seem plentiful... Just funny like that.

The Trial

So the trial (yeah, that trial) for Ian has started.

Case worker had told me that it was filed and what the court date was. She also mentioned that she didn't expect anything to happen at court. I emailed her asking if I was allowed to go. I didn't get a response.

So... I went. And it was just a scheduling thing ultimately (of course, dysfunction was present...) But I 100% got a slap on the wrist email a few days later. Apparently I 'might need to testify' so I can't go. Case worker was a lil' sassy in the email but also acknowledged that she never got back to me.

So. Would you have gone? Or just skipped and wait to hear what happened in a month?

Not great...

Not about foster care, but about politics.

I am so pissed that in a country of several million people, the best we can get is somebody who GENUINELY tried to gracefully retire 12-ish years ago and was tapped back in. Like, bro... I have extreme empathy for Biden. It's gotta suck to see that you're slipping and it sounds like it's been pretty significant recently.

But also... this is a thing that happens with aging.

I have been deeply involved in policy and politics my entire life. I've been the person ghost writing the speeches and whispering facts and names in the Elected's ear so they sound smarter than they are. And I know how much staff can hide... and I also know that there are some things that just happen and suck.

I am a realist. And I say that we need to think long and hard about how to prop up other viable national candidates and think about a pipeline and succession planning. With MULTIPLE eggs in that freaking basket.

Still a Nope

I got a call today for a sibling set - boys, 12 and 16. Got the sense they were calling EVERYONE.

These kids deserve better than them begging idiots like me when I don't have enough space (physical or mental) to give them what they need.

And also... I did 100% tell the worker that I need to be able to go more than 50 miles outside of my county without written permission. I need to be able to plan. I need to give my kids some stability.

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