it got me.

how⠀to⠀disappear⠀completely⠀and⠀never⠀be⠀𝚏𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚍⠀again.

[clericlost]

#𝙲𝙻𝙴𝚁𝙸𝙲𝙻𝙾𝚂𝚃   :   a   selective   slow   william  byers   roleplay  blog  for  the  character  featured  in  netflix’s  stranger  things.     semi - canon  compliant.     headcanon heavy.     an ode to becoming and un - becoming,   hiding in plain sight,  masculinity always fitted a size too small,  identity found and lost in others,  the horror of childhood,  and above all,  letting go. 𝟶𝟾/𝟶𝟷/𝟸𝟻.     by jean,  18+,  they/any,  cst.

index.     dossier.     pinterest.     spotify.     memes.

divergence  :  on season 4,  volume 1.

headcanons  :  on dishonesty.     on ocd.     on dnd.     on school.     on fire.     on coming out.     on post - possession.     on asthma.     on growing up.     on the mind flayer.     on bullying.

feel free to follow my low effort jonathan while you're here if that tickles your fancy ! you absolutely do not have to follow will to follow jon, just know that i'll be following back from him <3

dash rules.

001. . .     activity.

i'll be frank : i write pretty sporadically, and this goes for ic and ooc interactions. i can get overwhelmed juggling responsibilities often, and socializing is one of the first things to go.     i un  /  fortunately work 40 hour work weeks, and only get every other weekend off,  so my schedule makes consistent activity difficult on top of my focus. if i can successfully plot something with you, i find my muse is sooo much more involved, but i'm contradictorily bad at it due to the reasons above ; it's truly hit or miss, and i understand if that becomes frustrating for any of my partners.    sometimes i’ll be able to get out a couple drafts a week,  others merely once,  or not at all. if i haven’t replied or answered something in a while,  please know it’s nothing personal, i’m just taking my time until i feel good about what i can put down.     writing is a hobby i enjoy, but if you're looking for a blog with any sort of regularity, this isn't the one for you. i have other rp blogs i try to run as well,  therefore i might be very slow on this one at times.     i can be quite the flaky rp partner,  so i apologize in advance for that and completely understand if my antics   [  or lack thereof  ]   result in an unfollow. if i go longer than two months without activity, i'll try to make a hiatus notice.

002. . .    following.  

because of the previously stated,  i’m also highly selective with who i rp with.     i want to not to bite off more than i can chew,  and for the sake of pacing myself,  my activity will be reserved for mutuals only.     if my thread count gets too high for my liking, it's not uncommon that i drop threads, but i will try to let you know if that happens.     duplicates are always welcome <3   [  let me know if you need me to tag same - muse posts and i’ll be happy to !  ] i regularly go on softblocking sprees to keep my follower count semi - low, but do feel free to re - follow if you feel like the stars merely misaligned for our first bout of mutual following and i'd be very down to give it another shot. on that note, it'll take me a week+ to follow back sometimes, as i like to read through not only rules, but dossiers and verse pages, especially for ocs, so it can take a hot minute.

003. . .     etiquette.

the basics  ;  don’t be an asshole,  any transphobia,  biphobia,  homophobia,  racism,  whitewashing,  pro - shipping,  incest,  etc,  will be blocked on sight.     no godmodding,  please cut your threads,  continue asks in new posts,  etc,  and no stealing of any personal concepts of mine.     loose inspiration is fine,  but if i see repeated similarities,  i may or may not approach you about it.     formatting - wise,  here is an example of my prose style.     i primarily use big ol’ text and static or no icons,  beta editor + xkit rewritten,  but feel free to format however you like and i’ll try to match you somewhat. since my concussion, however, i will no longer be threading with super small text or anything heavily formatted, as this can strain my eyes and make headaches worse, even with my glasses.

004. . . shipping.

while the mun of this blog is 18+,  there will not be any smut or anything sexual in nature featured on this blog involving my muse.     romance is fine to some degree,  but again,  my muse is a child and anything beyond lighthearted and innocuous experiences are off limits,  no exceptions.     if i seen you’ve aged up a minor character for shipping purposes,  it will result in an instant unfollow.     if at some point i flesh out an adult verse,  these shipping rules will not change.     however,  i’m all about exploring meaningful dynamics,  whether they be platonic,  familial,  antagonistic,  pre - established,  etc,  so feel free to shoot me a message if you’d like to plot something out between our muses !     on that note as well,  i do prefer to rp with muns who are also 18+.     somewhat ironic,  considering my muse,  but muses like will offer me a level of comfort within my own lens of childhood projection.  unfortunately.     if i don’t see your age somewhere in your rules or pinned,  it will affect my willingness to follow.

005. . .     memes.

memes from anyone,  anytime,  for the muse or for the mun,  are always welcome,  and often a go - to ice breaker of mine since starter calls make me nervous.     please don’t hesitate to send a good handful since i try not to cage myself into answering ones i just don’t have muse for.     i find if i force stuff,  i’m just less likely to ever actually get it done,  so don’t feel like you’re overwhelming me if you send more than just a couple for me to choose from.     please remember to specify which muse your asks are for unless it’s to one of my sideblogs.     if you want to start a thread from an ask,  i greatly encourage it since i try to write most answers as potential starters anyway ! lastly, any memes in my tag aren't expired. if i don't want them sent in anymore, i'll delete them from the tag.

006. . . triggers.

my muse has canonically been through some messed up stuff,  as well as existing within the horror genre itself,  and this blog will be portraying that accordingly,  including content such as  :  depression,  ptsd,  depersonalization,  panic attacks,  violence,  homophobia,  abuse / neglect ,  horror elements,  possession,  intrusive thoughts,  etc,  but i will try to tag it as  ‘ trigger // ’.     my personal triggers are visual eye gore,  visual self harm,  and visual vomit.     please feel free to say something if i forget to tag a post and  i’ll try to tag it for you right away !     thank you for taking the time to read through all of these,  and you can rest assured if i follow you,  that means i’ve read through your rules as well <3

whew. all that said, i'm jean, 26, white, and i use they/any pronouns ! thank you for taking the time to read my rules,  and rest assured if i follow you,  that means i’ve read through yours as well <3 discord is available for mutuals upon request.

007. . .     blogroll.

enslaughts.     a medium activity horror - heavy multimuse. clericlost.     william byers. low activity. gnawedheart. a very headcanon heavy scott mccall. low activity. follows from enslaughts. fists4once. a fandomless, original archie andrews. low activity. follows from enslaughts. dvrast.     jesper fahey. low activity.     follows from enslaughts. wolfsp1der.     an original spider character. hiatus. wayfares.     a selective western multimuse. hiatus. greatloss.     a selective slow five hargreeves. hiatus.

[notmorbid]

our missing hearts.

dialogue prompts from our missing hearts by celeste ng.

do you remember anything about ____?

i'm not going anywhere. that's all you need to know.

whatever it is will pass.

you see any trouble, you run the other way.

sometimes being alone is the less bad option.

you're a good kid.

don't make trouble. just do your best, and follow the rules.

don't forget us, okay?

a new name for a new start.

you haven't cried once.

one you start, you can't shake free.

don't be such a pussy.

do you know how bad this could have been?

i didn't know you knew [language].

i am not afraid.

may you see tomorrow. and if you do, i beg you, forgive us.

this place may be cursed, but at least it's dry and warm.

keep to the small.

i can't help you run away.

people will get hurt if anyone finds out.

most people would rather just close their eyes.

i didn't recognize you, at first.

i guess it's easier to write brave words than to actually do the work.

how can you know if no one teaches you, and no one ever talks about it?

do you have kids?

i thought you were too old for hugs.

who knows you're here?

it's okay. i'll be back soon.

seatbelt, please.

you found me.

you're taller than i expected.

i knew you would figure it out.

something has scarred over in you.

i'm out of practice at this. at everything.

i'll tell you everything, if you promise to listen.

it's still possible to enjoy things. to waste time.

if the world is on fire, you might as well burn bright.

it's going to get worse before it gets better. if it gets better.

i forget to keep food around.

i always wanted a child.

who reads poetry anymore?

you weren't scared while i was gone?

everybody thinks they know ____ now.

welcome to the worst club in the world.

will you tell me about ____?

____ was a real person, not just a poster.

i'll tell you, if you promise to remember.

what do i know about kids?

you're all that matters.

we'll figure something out. some way to stay together.

you're a hypocrite.

you're a terrible ____.

i wanted to see if you were still you.

i'm just so afraid of losing you again.

i'll come back. i promise i'll come back.

there's so much i want to ask you.

i hope you don't get carsick.

you don't do things by halves.

let's go down to the water.

i wonder what time it is.

this will change everything. it has to, right?

we can build a fire. dry grass, then sticks, then logs.

wouldn't your parents be proud?

i don't have to, but i want to.

certain things must be done in person.

let's have ice cream for dinner.

when i can't sleep, i count your freckles in my mind.

i wanted to make sense of the world for you.

if you come back, i'll be here.

i can tell _____ is happy with you.

you promised. i thought you meant it.

'not impossible' will have to be enough.

i hated you for a while, you know. i really did.

i was a coward. i'm sorry.

[weltenwellen]

Anne Carson, Wrong Norma

[clericlost]

not to get hashtag deep about st but i'm so in love with bob's premise as a character. literally right after jonathan finishes reassuring will that it's okay to be a freak, in fact, it's better, they giggle over how much of a normie bob is in comparison. and yet the audience knows bob was literally bullied just as much as they were! bob the brain is mean to directly parallel zombie boy in season 2. will's dynamic with bob is the antithesis to his dynamic with lonnie ; bob lights up at the sight of joyce, he passes out laughs and smiles like they're candy, and when will is scared, the first thing bob does isn't even to comfort him, it's to connect with will by telling him about his own fears. will scrapes up bob's fancy camera and bob doesn't even say a thing to him about it, and when he does to joyce, it's to let her know that some kids were picking on him and that's why he dropped it. you just know lonnie never had that much grace over even less.

bob is teased by both hop and joyce as well as jonathan and will, and is meant to contrast the latter with how apple - pie his take on life is versus how chaotic theirs is, a device to illustrate the knowledge of the upsidedown versus the ignorance of it, yet he parallels will's personality very unsubtle - y. if the d*ffers weren't disproportionately more wary about confronting issues of race or nationalism, i do love their take on how relative perceptions of freak are. the goalposts are always moving because the point isn't that there's anything wrong with any of these people in the first place, it's the function of an in - crowd and an out - crowd. there can only be freaks if there are those who get to call them that. if everyone's a freak, no one is.

i don't think it's an accident that hop is the first one to alert the audience that bob was bullied back when they were in high school, and hop was at least ambivalent about it -- at least -- in the same season hop's parenting style is also an antithesis to bob's, in the same season billy is introduced as this militant authority figure to max, in the same season will stops hiding from the upsidedown and instead tries to face it, which exactly what allows the mind flayer to find and get him. season 1 is all about will running and hiding, about that keeping him alive -- he's good at hiding -- and in season 2 he tries to change this, but he's a child, and children can barely fight adults, as we see with eleven and the party facing off against a conspiracy of them last season, let alone shadow monsters. season 2 is el's season to hide, but she's sick of it too, and hop throws tantrums right back. both el and will -- and max -- are punished for pushing back, because like all things, they are at the mercy of those that possess power over them. el is a wild card as a super - powered child, but hop threatens to put her back in the lab when she breaks his rules, and this is something he could make happen as easily as he says he can, and she knows this. contrasted with bob ; that's what he loves about joyce : she punches back, while he feels like he never did.

those that don't fight back are the ones that people take advantage of, rub your nose in it just a little bit more. he doesn't know why they do that -- maybe it makes them feel powerful. as the mind flayer grapples for it through will, so does everyone else, because power means the ability to punch back, to tell bullies to go away, to say no and have it mean something to those you say it to. safety. bob punches back eventually. better late than never, and it saves joyce and will's lives, the very lives he'd been trying to build his own life around, but just like will deciding to turn around and face what'd been stalking him for over a year, it comes at a price he isn't able to outrun. season 4 ends with will returning to hawkins with a name and a face to go with the thing that's been haunting him for years, no longer hiding underground, in abandon places, in his body, but finally revealing itself, on purpose. just as will's trying to learn to do the same.

[clericlost]

the way i just remembered the entire show begins with the choice to cast fireball or a protection spell and will chooses fireball, rolls too low, and vanishes on his way home. feeling good and fine.

[willelmike]

bonus:

[clericlost]

sleep wasn't even easy in lenora. not at first ; lights on, air conditioner off, golden state yellow cast out over everything. the difference split between his brain and his body, yesterday and tomorrow, indiana and california -- math was never his strongest subject. no, he'd much rather scribble in the margins, shade in the empty with whatever means of stain were within reach of his fingers. he's always been good at making a good mess. he gets it from his father. they press into flesh like they were made for molding instead of acrylics, led, wax, carving new moons to match a sky he can't see, not with the light like veins streaked across the sick pallor of a constant storm churning above them.

it's nauseating. the horizon. but he's never been able to look away from that particular shade of red no matter how badly he's never wanted to lay eyes on it again, no matter that it never goes away even when he does. eyes wide - shut, blooms like blood on the backs of the eyelids. arteries burst open, white - hot. he no longer flinches at the firework flash of it, but he can't say the same of @journal1st.

“ can't sleep ? ”

the scar on his left side no longer burns as bright either, but it's still there. he has no idea how long he's been watching the sky crawl with his skin, but there are after - images blotting out half her expression when he whips his head about to face her. it takes a moment to make out the careful loom of her limbs, the gentle lilt to her mouth and the words that come out of it. “ i-- ” he's already saying, knee - jerk natural, as though he's been caught in the act of something he shouldn't be. found out. he's not sure what he has to hide from nancy, exactly, only that he does. he always does. “ just. . . enjoying the show, ” he finishes, tongue too heavy behind his teeth, the hand he gestures with falling short, cut off. half - hearted as the rest of him. his body feels off. wrong, again. again. “ he really pulled out all the stops for you guys. ”

he. he has a name now. “ henry. ” like it's necessary. like he isn't just trying out the taste of it. ash. nothing but ash.

[clericlost]

not to get hashtag deep about st but i'm so in love with bob's premise as a character. literally right after jonathan finishes reassuring will that it's okay to be a freak, in fact, it's better, they giggle over how much of a normie bob is in comparison. and yet the audience knows bob was literally bullied just as much as they were! bob the brain is mean to directly parallel zombie boy in season 2. will's dynamic with bob is the antithesis to his dynamic with lonnie ; bob lights up at the sight of joyce, he passes out laughs and smiles like they're candy, and when will is scared, the first thing bob does isn't even to comfort him, it's to connect with will by telling him about his own fears. will scrapes up bob's fancy camera and bob doesn't even say a thing to him about it, and when he does to joyce, it's to let her know that some kids were picking on him and that's why he dropped it. you just know lonnie never had that much grace over even less.

bob is teased by both hop and joyce as well as jonathan and will, and is meant to contrast the latter with how apple - pie his take on life is versus how chaotic theirs is, a device to illustrate the knowledge of the upsidedown versus the ignorance of it, yet he parallels will's personality very unsubtle - y. if the d*ffers weren't disproportionately more wary about confronting issues of race or nationalism, i do love their take on how relative perceptions of freak are. the goalposts are always moving because the point isn't that there's anything wrong with any of these people in the first place, it's the function of an in - crowd and an out - crowd. there can only be freaks if there are those who get to call them that. if everyone's a freak, no one is.

i don't think it's an accident that hop is the first one to alert the audience that bob was bullied back when they were in high school, and hop was at least ambivalent about it -- at least -- in the same season hop's parenting style is also an antithesis to bob's, in the same season billy is introduced as this militant authority figure to max, in the same season will stops hiding from the upsidedown and instead tries to face it, which exactly what allows the mind flayer to find and get him. season 1 is all about will running and hiding, about that keeping him alive -- he's good at hiding -- and in season 2 he tries to change this, but he's a child, and children can barely fight adults, as we see with eleven and the party facing off against a conspiracy of them last season, let alone shadow monsters. season 2 is el's season to hide, but she's sick of it too, and hop throws tantrums right back. both el and will -- and max -- are punished for pushing back, because like all things, they are at the mercy of those that possess power over them. el is a wild card as a super - powered child, but hop threatens to put her back in the lab when she breaks his rules, and this is something he could make happen as easily as he says he can, and she knows this. contrasted with bob ; that's what he loves about joyce : she punches back, while he feels like he never did.

those that don't fight back are the ones that people take advantage of, rub your nose in it just a little bit more. he doesn't know why they do that -- maybe it makes them feel powerful. as the mind flayer grapples for it through will, so does everyone else, because power means the ability to punch back, to tell bullies to go away, to say no and have it mean something to those you say it to. safety. bob punches back eventually. better late than never, and it saves joyce and will's lives, the very lives he'd been trying to build his own life around, but just like will deciding to turn around and face what'd been stalking him for over a year, it comes at a price he isn't able to outrun. season 4 ends with will returning to hawkins with a name and a face to go with the thing that's been haunting him for years, no longer hiding underground, in abandon places, in his body, but finally revealing itself, on purpose. just as will's trying to learn to do the same.

[clericlost]

the amount of love in my heart i have for argyle despite the d*ffers barely letting one of the only other characters of color act like a real person... "who would i tell, jonathan, you're my only friend" what if i cried for real. i do not need another muse on my multi somebody spray me with a bottle

[horrificmemes]

Send me “Can’t sleep?” to have a tired conversation with my muse in the middle of the night.

[clericlost]

like for a little guy in your imbox :)

[clericlost]

🧍

[7theaven]

#emergency. hey everyone !  It’s me again requesting your aid to help me pay a share of my mom’s colonoscopy + endoscopy (with biopsy exam).  the amount this time is 120$ and I have to pay until the end of this month. Depending on the result of her exams, which it come out next week, this will be hopefully the last. I have one spot left for commissions I’ll leave the prices here  !  Any kind of help will be appreciated and mostly positive thoughts to this tumor be a benign one.  my paypal is: [email protected]

[clericlost]

post season 3,  will never finds another party in lenora like the others do back in hawkins.     he has no desire to,  not after the last party he’d had for the majority of his childhood.     truth be told,  if he could magically pack up his bags and move back to hawkins,  he’s not sure he’d even still play.     maybe,  if he felt bad enough saying no.     but in all honestly,  the interest in the game had evaporated overnight.

taking a baseball - bat to castle byers wasn’t a decision he made lightly.     rashly,  maybe,  but not lightly.     something flickered off,  then.     deflated.     he’s always liked art,  and still does,  but writing stories too,  playing fantasy games,  finding magic in the mundane.     painting is something he can indulge in without feeling too imaginary,  so it’s easier to keep,  but the rest he lets slowly slip away.     something about watching his friends drift to other things while he stayed behind in realms of fantasy touched on a much older trigger point.     when he first got into dnd or scribbling short stories in old notebooks to read to joyce at bedtime instead of the other way around,  not once was it not met by lonnie with,  at best,  apathy,  and worst,  ridicule.     the instinct to be embarrassed of his creative works is a tale as old as time in his world,  since he first learned how,  but people like his mom and his brother helped keep it from dying out entirely.     and then he made friends that not only didn’t find it weird,  but enjoyed it just as much as he did.

and now they just…   don’t anymore.     it isn’t all about he and mike’s argument in the rain,  or the feeling of losing his friends when he missed out on what felt like an entire year of normalcy with them,  though those are factors in their own right.     it’s also that well - known feeling of alienation,  an older friend than even these,  growing closer over time.     he’s used to the feeling,  grown accustomed to it.     but not among his own friends.     it felt like a betrayal at first,  yeah,  but lucas and mike scrambling to do the campaign with him despite clearly not being interested was almost…   worse.     humoring him.     a further symptom of something yawning a gap between them by the very fact they’re trying to bridge it.     it’s just not something he ever thought he’d experience with his friends.     he took it as a sign that he was doing something wrong,  instead of the growing pains of a bunch of traumatized kids that they were.     if cruelty and ridicule are what people like lonnie and bullies direct at people like him,  pity is what the good and kind do when even they can’t deny there’s something wrong with you.

fantasy feels embarrassing again to will.     by the beginnings of season 4,  the discomfort has settled,  not quite as knee - jerk as it might have been between it and season 3,  but definitely a disinterest.     the thought of playing with or without his friends leaves a strange taste in his mouth,  an echo somewhere hollow in the 15 year old version of himself he’s purposefully molded to fit around the place it had before.

[clericlost]

thinking about joyce raising her boys on mr rogers

[clericlost]

will finds it really hard to connect with people at times [yay attachment disorder], but music has been a go - to way of socializing for him. in large part, it's passed down from his brother, but it often feels like a universal language he doesn't have to struggle to learn just to bond with someone else, and luckily for him and anyone who wants to be his friend, he pretty much likes anything that doesn't threaten to put him to sleep.

p.s. one hundren billion percent had he gotten to meet and huddle in under eddie's wing would he have become an honorary metalhead

[clericlost]

[goldpixy-deactivated20230510]

please stop asking me how i'm doing, idk i'm ignoring it