You are a white trans girl who got out of high schools only a few years ago. You're living on your own in a one bedroom apartment, barely able to make rent each month. You make friends with a trans TME at your local library and you slowly integrate into their friend group, filled primarily with other trans TMEs. There's one other white trans girl there, but other than that, it's TMEs. You enjoy their company. They sometimes help you out with rides and groceries. Not a lot, but enough that it helps take some stress off your shoulders. You stick around with them for a good few years.
One day, the other white tgirl is cut out of the friend group. You question it, and your first friend replies that the vibes were ""off"" with her. You're unsure how to respond, so you just go along with it. You never saw her again.
Three years after becoming part of this group, you start to notice things. Such as how they'll never meet your eyes when you discuss starting to save up for bottom surgery. But they're delighted when Xander, one of your other friends, announces his top surgery only a few weeks later. You dismiss it as them just not knowing as much about transfemininity as they do transmasculinity.
One day you're walking with your friends and you go into the women's bathroom. You hear one of your friends grumble about something, but again, you dismiss it. When Xander follows you in and watches you like a hawk, you ask him what's wrong, and he just mumbles that it might be safer and easier for you to just go in the men's bathroom, you snap that it's none of his business and leave. Your other friends tell you that he just meant for the best. You walk home alone after that. They don't talk to you for a couple of days.
When you do meet up with them again, they seem happy. Your first friend shakes your hand and says "hey man, nice to see you again!" You stiffen, surprised. They seem to realize what they said, and claim that they didn't mean it that way, that they just used it as a general phrase and wasn't directly referring to you. It doesn't do anything to stop the hurt. You're miserable in your own skin for the next couple days. They keep telling you it's not how they meant it, but they don't apologize. Eventually one of your other friends snaps and tells you to just calm down and stop making a mountain out of a molehill. You excuse yourself and walk home again. The next day, you find that all of your friends have blocked you, with the friend who misgendered you adding a text that it wasn't personal, you were just bringing bad vibes.
You're sad for a few years. You don't befriend anyone else until you move to another area. Here, you meet a group of almost entirely trans girls. White-dominated, but there's a Black tgirl there as well, and two TME enbies. Many of these girls have similar experiences to you, so they seeked out company in other trans girls. You get along well.
One day, you're watching one of your TME friends talk to the Black trans girl. They let a "dude" slip out when referring to her. You jump in and correct them, and they quickly apologize. The Blacj tgirl doesn't not accept the apology, but she doesn't look very happy for the remainder of that day. You pull her to the side and she tells you that she knows they didn't mean it, but it doesn't make it hurt less, and she felt that her hurt wasn't acknowledged at all.
You tell her that you understand.
A couple weeks later, it happens again, and this time, the Black tgirl snaps and tells them not to call her that. Georgia, a white trans girl, jumps in and tells them to break it up. Tells the TME not to say that, and tells the Black girl to calm down because they didn't mean it. The Black tgirl looks at you as though hoping you'll jump in, tell Georgia that she had a right to be upset. After all, you understood.
You look away. You think the Black tgirl has a right to be upset, but you're worried about causing a bigger fight. You don't want to be cut out of this friend group too. The meetup is tense after that. The Black tgirl is clearly unhappy, but this time when you try to talk to her, she refuses and said she couldn't trust you. The words sit in your heart like a festering sore over the months.
One day, Georgia makes a joke about slavery, side-eyeing the Black tgirl as though she expects a reaction. You and your friends all laugh, except for her. The Black tgirl just asks if you really all found that funny. Georgia tells her not to be a killjoy, that it was just a joke. A couple of your other friends nod subtly. The Black tgirl retreats and stays on the fringes of the group for the rest of the day. And once again, she refuses to talk to you when you press her about it.
You leave her alone. That's clearly what she wants.
The next day is a discussion about white supremacy. The Black tgirl is talking about how one of her cousins was recently assaulted by a cop. She says it would have never happened if he was white. A bristling sensation falls over the rest of the group. Another girl protests that white queer people also get targeted, to which the Black tgirl responds, "at a disproportionately lower rate than Black people, especially Black queer people." One of the TMEs snaps that it isn't a competition. Another girl adds that she's tired of everything being made into a race issue.
The Black tgirl can't get a word in as more people weigh in, and the conversation shifts to transphobia and ""infighting"". She keeps getting told to wait her turn. Eventually, she storms out, flipping you all off as she leaves. Somebody breathes out a "thank god." The conversation shifts again. "I always thought something was off with her!" "She's such a bitch, I'm sick of her attitude!" "She thinks she's better than us." "She makes issues out of the tiniest things." "She's manipulative." "I'm glad she finally showed her true colors."
You sit there, and let them talk. You're still rattled by how angry she got. You felt a little bad, but this was probably for the best. She didn't trust you anyways. She clearly didn't need your support. So you accept the group's decision to cut her out. You don't see her again. You don't try to reach out.
Clearly she just wants to be alone.
