Haley @clingygirl - Tumblr Blog

February 23

Today was another ordinary day.

I woke up, showered, made dinner, hung out with Z, went to work. Nothing remarkable on paper. But at one point I stopped and actually looked around instead of rushing past everything. The light coming through the window, the quiet of doing small tasks, the comfort of just sharing space with someone. I’m trying to notice those moments instead of dismissing them as meaningless.

Ordinary doesn’t have to mean empty.

I also learned something new today about taking T — something called bottom growth. It made things feel more real, and if I’m honest, it made me nervous. Not because of him, but because of my own fears. I haven’t been with someone with a vagina in sixteen years, and there’s this voice in the back of my head asking, What if I don’t know what I’m doing anymore? What if I’m not good enough for him?

It’s strange how insecurity can show up even when love is present. This isn’t about attraction or care — it’s about feeling out of practice, out of place, and scared of disappointing someone I deeply value.

Maybe this is just another part of learning someone.

Maybe intimacy isn’t about already knowing — maybe it’s about being willing to learn.

I’m trying to remind myself that connection isn’t a performance.

Just another day of figuring things out.

#ThePeaceProject

#thePeaceProject #learning to love

February 21

Last night was restless.

I kept waking up, reaching for my vape, drifting in and out of dreams that felt a little too real. One of them turned into a nightmare — Z cheating on me with someone from his childhood. I woke up with that lingering fear that I’m still going to lose him, even though nothing actually happened. It’s strange how dreams can leave emotional bruises.

Z came into the room right as I was waking up on my own, like he landed in the exact moment between sleep and reality. He asked if I wanted to go dashing. I told him to let me shower first and see how the day unfolded.

I finally used that cleanser I’ve had for over a year to take off yesterday’s interview makeup — a small act of resetting. Afterward, I put on my comfiest “still technically acceptable in public” sweats.

We ate quick bowls of Trix standing in the kitchen while my coffee brewed. Nothing fancy. Just existing together in that ordinary morning way.

We decided not to chase the day too hard. We smoked, relaxed, and let things be slow. I asked him about parts of his teen years. I love learning something new about him, even if it’s still hard to ask questions about his past. I catch myself wondering if I’m stepping on something sensitive — whether it connects to old wounds, his dad, or how he sees himself. There’s always that balance between curiosity and care.

Later, I worked on setting up the planner I ordered. I mapped out my March budget, and… let’s just say I either need this job or a minor miracle. Seeing the numbers written down is sobering, but also clarifying.

The planner isn’t just for bills, though. I’m building it into something intentional — a place to practice small rituals tied to my “peace philosophy.” Trying to create structure that isn’t about productivity, but about steadiness.

Today wasn’t exciting.

But it felt like the beginning of paying attention.

#thePeaceProject #learning to live slow

So Here’s What I’m Doing Now

No big reinvention.

No dramatic transformation plan.

Just paying attention to my life as it is.

I’ll be writing daily — not because my days are exciting, but because they’re real.

Work, thoughts, burnout, hope, random observations, trying to slow down, trying to understand what actually matters to me.

If nothing else, this will be a record:

I was here. I was trying. I was learning how to live.

Ten Years Ago, I Thought Life Would Feel Different Than This

Ten years is a strange amount of time.

Long enough to become someone else.

Short enough to still recognize the person I used to be.

In the last decade, I have been:

hopeful, exhausted, in love, disappointed, working too much, starting over, questioning everything, and trying to figure out what “a meaningful life” is supposed to look like when you don’t follow the traditional script.

I’ve learned that life doesn’t move in straight lines.

It loops. It stalls. It surprises you. It breaks you down and then asks you to keep going anyway.

There were years I was surviving more than living.

There were moments of real joy that I didn’t know how to hold onto.

There were times I believed I was behind everyone else.

Now I’m starting to understand:

maybe there is no “behind.”

Maybe life is less about building something impressive

and more about building something honest.

This blog is a place for that honesty.

I want to document the small days.

The confusing days.

The peaceful days when they happen.

The process of trying to make a life that feels like mine.

This is less of a fresh start and more of a continuation —

just finally written down.

#what #adam #eve #forbidden fruit

Have you ever been so mad at someone for leaving you? This person left me almost a year ago and im still completely outraged with him. I still feel like he was my person. I had everything planned. I even had the songs i wanted to be played at our wedding picked out. And everyday gets more and more lonesome without him. Ive tried moving on, but every date i planned i couldnt get myself to walk out that front door.

#leaving #gone #icantlivewithoutyou #imissyou #pleasecomeback

speakingofjason

“Picture you and me in the cabin by the sea. Sit up on a porch and we can burn a couple trees.”

Love.

The funny thing about being in love with someone is its always different than the last. My first love, i felt like an old soul who knew that person their entire life. I thought i knew everything about me and the world. My second love, and my last one, i discovered i was completely wrong about myself and the world. I felt like a teenager walking through life completely changed. He made me discover things about myself i never knew was possible. Each love changes you. You meet a new version of yourself. Thats also why its hard to move on, you know that version will eventually no longer exist in this world and youll be someone new again, finding new things. I still love both. I loved both differently. Both left the same. Both left behind a different me.

#love #breakup