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Everything I write here is pure fiction. My life isn't that interesting.

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I’ve been trying to get Avril Lavigne to go to prom with me for the past 6 years, and only now does she finally respond saying she’s already going with Brad. Typical.

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Anti-fascists who get off to hentai, YOU ARE VALID!

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All the baby boomers whose fathers are dead this Father’s Day can suck it! Amirite, millennials?!

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Hot tracks you can look forward to on my upcoming country-rap album:

I'll Be Your Cowboy If You Be My Reverse Cowgirl

Saw Shawty from Across the Cracker Barrel

Need Me a Young Dolly Parton

I'm Bigger Than My Horse (But You Shouldn't Fact Check That)

Gonna Hit the Saloon and Lasso Me Some Poon

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“Son, I’m not saying that pursuing a career as a professional baseball player is a stupid idea, but you’d be spending the prime years of your life training to hit a ball farther with a wooden stick.” -How I got out of having to attend Little League games

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“He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone at her,” said Jesus, shortly before shattering the accused woman’s jaw with a softball sized rock.

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Hey all you strapping young speed runners! Today, I’m gonna be sharing a hot tip on how to save some time when speed running a “girl.” It’s a little known fact that a clip can be done to skip into the vagina loading zone and save whopping 6 seconds! This is what we know in the girl running community as the “clit-clip.” That’s all for today, but tune in text time for some more radical time saving strats!

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If you’re already feeling lonely this Valentine’s Day, it probably doesn’t help when I remind you that your parents will probably be fucking tonight.  That is of course assuming they’re not divorced, dead, or something along those lines.

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This theory will change the way you view fan theories: They’re all fucking stupid.

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Bad news: I became paralyzed from the waist down yesterday when some Black Friday shoppers who were racing to get discount tote bags trampled me.

Good news: I have a new 4K ultra HD television to watch all my favorite shows on as I spend the rest of my life not walking.

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Thanksgiving dinner conversation starter: Casually suggest Andrew Jackson was the United States’ Hitler.

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Only God can judge you? Please explain how I’m doing it right now then.

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Tip for performing better cunnilingus: Write out the first chapter of Mein Kampf with your tongue.

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I sadly just learned that your penis will not burst if you take multiple Viagra.

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THIS SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! COME ON DOWN TO THE MEGA MASS EXTRAVAGANZA WHERE JESUS CHRIST WILL BE SLAM DUNKING SINNERS STRAIGHT INTO HELL!

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With a new school year starting, that means homecoming is just around the corner! That doesn't apply to your dad though. He’s never coming home.

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Anyone who watches reality TV on a regular basis is already halfway pathetic enough to warrant getting their own reality TV show.  Get a fucking hobby.