Closted Celesbian Note Series

Let's get sleuthin'. For Amberprice trash see @miasilx

[closetedcelesbians]

Hate to say I told you so

Guys, I hate to be SOOOOO right all the time but like. My last post was about Janelle Monae and then I wake up this morning and what do I see?

I meeeeean am I a fortune teller?

Yes.

[kaylorevidence]

All Masterposts

Karlie and Taylor

Kaylor Masterpost: 2013-2014 Timeline

Kaylor Masterpost: 2015-2016 Timeline

Kaylor Masterpost: Kimby’s Likes

Little Nuggets of Information 

Tayv!n

Tayv!n the PR Stunt

Kopy Kats

The Boat Incident

We Were Right

Hiddleshit

Hiddleshit Press

Cumulative post of all @taytaysbeard‘s posts on Josh/Karlie, Taylor/Calvin, and Karlie/Taylor

Taylor and Emily 

Taymily Masterpost

Taylor and Dianna

Swiftgron Masterpost 

Swiftgron Thread

Who 1989 is about

Karlie and Toni

Mini Masterpost

Karlie and Josh - Has parts to it that point out the things that are off with them

Little Nuggets of Information

Oscar Health’s Harmful Effect

Business Buddies

Tags (for things we don’t have masterposts on)

Gaylor Swift

Boyfriend Karlie

[closetedcelesbians]

I cannot wait to dig my tiny lez hands into this mess. T Swift, I'm coming for u babe. Right after Janeane.

Thank you to @escapespacex for bringing this to my attention 😈

[closetedcelesbians]

Janelle Monáe, more like Janelle Mogáy, amirite?

Ok, I know, I need to come up with titles that are more clever than that, but it just worked SO well. And I know I said I was going to be doing Janeane Garofalo next, but I got distracted by how hot Janelle is, so I promise Janeane will be next!

This celeb came as a suggestion, so thank you!! I’ve had my peepers on a few celebs and I made a list a really long time ago on my phone before I ran into an ocean and ruined it. True story… so we bought a shitty tent thing one time on a beach trip so my ghost-ass body didn’t get burned in the sun and when night crept up and the wind picked up, it snatched our tent up from the sand and pulled it into the ocean. So being an OK human not wanting to litter the ocean with a confusing contraption made of metal and plastic that would prob kill all the whales on the planet somehow, I ran into the ocean to pull it out. With all my clothes on and all kinds of shit in my pockets. Including my phone with the list of possible celesbians on it. SO LONG STORY SHORT I welcome and encourage any and all suggestions, dreams of gay, etc. for possible celesbians!

So Janelle is a very magnificent and talented beauty with the dopest (and gayest) hair along with the dopest (and gayest) fashion sense. If you don’t believe me, take a peek:

I’m ready to light a fire inside of you, girl. Also I chopped all that firewood back there myself.

Here’s another little taste:

When u get stuck holding bae’s purse for her.

So she clearly looks super duper gay. But what else have we got?

Well, she is a very private person, as most potentially closeted celebs (and humans in general) are. In an interview with Sway several years ago, he pressed her for a comment about her sexuality like a damn monster. I mean, who is that desperate to find out if a person is secretly gay---oh wait. It me.

So when he asked her to be straight with him (lolol get it) she said, “You know what, I keep my personal life to myself. I think one of the things about that is that I want everyone to focus on my music and also I don’t want to let anybody down. I want women to still be attracted to me – go get my album! And I want men to still be attracted to me so I have to be political in this. I can’t really tell y’all.”

Definitely a business savvy move, and I can’t blame her one bit. Sway, we should be ashamed of ourselves. But mostly you cuz I didn’t actually interview her. And I would never ask a celeb such a personal question like that. I would just gather a whole bunch of “evidence” on the internet and make a claim behind their back. So there. Who is the real monster here?! (It still me.)

Ok, so asking her directly didn’t yield the results we wanted, so we will have to delve into something that is personal and meaningful to all artists—her very own music. Janelle has always been very pro-gay, explaining that she has gathered inspiration from the drag community and gay friends for her 2013 album The Electric Lady.

Consider some of the lyrics from the song ‘Q.U.E.E.N (emphasis of gayness in bold)’:

Hey brother can you save my soul from the devil? Say is it weird to like the way she wear her tights? And is it rude to wear my shades? Am I a freak because I love watching Mary? (Maybe)

Hey sister am I good enough for your heaven? Say will your God accept me in my black and white? Will he approve the way I'm made? Or should I reprogram the programming and get down?

Am I a freak for dancing around? Am I a freak for getting down? I'm coming up, don't cut me down And yeah I wanna be, wanna be

Even if it makes others uncomfortable I wanna love who I am Even if it makes other uncomfortable I will love who I am

I meaaaaaaaaaaaaan, I don’t know about you, but that sounds pretty gay. She likes this chick named Mary who wears her tights some type of way. And she’s worried God won’t accept her (because she’s gay and some people think gay people are going to hell or something). And even if it makes other people uncomfortable (that she’s gay), she still loves herself (for being gay).

Then we’ve got this other song, ‘Given Em What They Love”’ where we get these gay-ass lyrics,

Two dimes walked up in the building Tall like a ceiling, wearing fancy things Sharper than a knife, curvy like a spoon When they walked in the room we didn't know what to do One looked at me and I looked back She said, "Can you tell me where the party's at?" She followed me back to the lobby Yeah, she was looking at me for some undercover love

I’m sorry…SHE WAS LOOKING AT ME FOR SOME UNDERCOVER LOVE????!?!?!?!!? Come on, now. It doesn’t get any more secret-gay than that. 

In an interview with Pridesource, all she had to say for herself about these gay-ass lyrics was that they MAY not be about her. MAY not. Girl. Come on. You don’t have to pretend. You are one of us. We will never run out of room here, I promise.

She is looking DIRECTLY at you for some undercover love.

I’m melting, yall. That look. That is legit the undercover gay look and you know it.

After delving into her lyrics, it seems pretty evident that she is quite gay. BUT WHAT ELSE WE GOT?

How bout some gay-ass pics of her with her (probably) girlfriend Tessa Thompson???

HAND HOLDING

CUDDLING

TELLING GAY SECRETS

Overall, I think this queen may want her very own queen to rule over this land with her. Just my two cents. 

Also, I just wanna leave this here because she’s a badass boss…

Muahahaha

[closetedcelesbians]

imma just gonna get this out of the way; I adore you, I joined tumblr for you, and I'm already having trouble not typing the "e" (and imma. And gonna. And starting sentences with and). Okay, now that we're introduced, how about a little sleuthing/ghey hilarity on Lucy Liu? I was going to say Janelle Monae but I don't know who she is because I"m old and that's the Google talking. Wishlist: Sandra Bullock, Kate Walsh. Not likely, but a girl can dream. Many thanks for my new obsession! - Allie

Whaaaaaaat! Thank you! Also, I am similarly facing the "I'm old now, who are these crazy kids" problem. I swear, Lucy Liu is on my list of closeted celesbians to cover! Sandy B omg, that would be amazing. Also, I'm so removed from the scene I do know who Janelle Monae is, and she's so super gay, I would be surprised if she hasn't come out yet. But last I checked was like...2 years ago?! Who knows, she could be married to some hot lady with a kid by now. Ok I just googled her and it looks like she went to the 2017 Emmy Awards with Tessa Thompson and allegedly came out?? But I can't get concrete evidence of this, just this one article.It looks like I have a nice little list to work with.Thanks!!

[closetedcelesbians]

Your blog is awesome. Also, kudos on being 5,000% right about Kristen Stewart (we had all been guessing in the past couple of years, but still). One person who I think is a massive closet celesbian is Janeane Garofalo. In every role of hers, just with her presence, she comes off as SO. GAY. The face, voice, Idk. Also, she did a standup where she said sometimes a dude having sex w/her literally has made her mad, and she wants to punch him? And wondered why she can't stay in a relationship...lol.

Thank you!! And thank you, I just laid it out there hoping Gay-Stew would stumble upon my post and have the courage to come out and clearly that is exactly what happened. *curtsies* I think for my next trick, I will make Janeane Garofalo come out. Tell me she hasn't already, please, I'm so behind the gay times rn it's embarrassing.

[closetedcelesbians]

You are so funny and I've enjoyed reading every post you've posted plz come back! (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

Y'all I forgot inboxes were a thing! Thank you so much, I was literally just about to close up shop on this thing. I sincerely appreciate it. 😁

[closetedcelesbians]

I am alive, I swear

Ok, I still exist. And I have soooooo much to tell you guys! Like I got married to my beautiful wife! And since I wrote my note, Kristen Stewart came out!!!! Like FOREVER ago, I know. But still....I am 99% sure the whole entire reason she came out was because of my post. So I am just preemptively standing up and bowing in real life cuz I know you're clapping for me. Thank you. Thank you so much. And you're welcome.

I would like to do one more favor for y'all. If you're into lesbo things and I assume you are since you're here, and if you're into gaming (EVEN IF YOURE NOT I PROMISE YOU WILL LOVE IT) please check out a game called Life is Strange: Before the Storm. It is amazing, loving, touching, emo AF and you get to make two girls fall in looooooove! You will love it! Plus, my friend's new tumblr is all about it and you should check it out. Go visit her: @bmadds1

[closetedcelesbians]

What is this

Does this thing even still exist? I don't know how. But I think I should update it? Soon?

[closetedcelesbians]

Tina Majorino-ly Gay

I left you all last with this beautiful image of a small Tina Majorino next to a seal/sea otter/sea lion/what the fuck is the difference between all of these creatures? I’ve been to a zoo before but I honestly never remember. I mostly like to stand there pretending to read what the sign says but really I’m just side-eyeing the adorable animals the whole time. Who needs to learn shit when there is a giraffe like 4 feet from your face? Just kidding, knowledge is power and I’m clearly a weak little baby who doesn’t know the difference between a sea otter and a sea lion and a seal.

Thanks, http://montereybay.noaa.gov/ for the clarification! I will forget this immediately. So I’ve been trying to do some research on the best-lesbian-haircut-sportin’ actress Tina Majorino and I’m coming up pretty empty. Basically she has never dated anyone ever in her entire life and she has a really gay haircut and a super cute laugh. So, like, overall I’m pretty sure she is gay.

Hello, my hair is cut by a lesbian angel. 

Here are some facts that I’ve uncovered:

She doesn’t want to date someone who has the same career she does. She thinks it would be boring to listen to them talk about their daily auditions and her s.o. might get jealous that she’s going off to other countries to make out with other people on-screen (or off if they’re chicks). In this undated interview with Stumped Magazine online, she does use phrases like “good looking guys” or “husband” when talking about dating. HOWEVER, she does say this about the male sex – she doesn’t want a dude to get butt-hurt if she makes more money than he does and she doesn’t want to grow up and be with a guy who doesn’t grow up at all.

So it seems like she understands that some (re: lots of) dudes are misogynistic in the sense that they think they are the ones that dig up the graves and the women have the babies (kudos if you know what that’s from). And she also realizes that some (re: lots of) dudes are a lot slower to mature than the other sex.

Between the years 1999 and 2004, she took some time off from acting to just “hang out” (of the closet?). I like to imagine that during that time, she was just going to town. Gay town. She would have been like, 14. Hey, that’s about the time when I came out, so it’s totally plausible. Maybe she came out to her publicist and her publicist was like, “Ok Tina. That’s great. Now go take a fiver while you go have tons of lesbian relationships under the radar since you won’t be in the public eye anymore. Come back to me when you’re good and ready to start your career back up because we all know what happens when you come out the closet when you’re a celebrity. You have to cut your hair really short, learn to dance really well, marry a really hot celebrity who you raise an emu farm with and start a talk show that wins millions of awards every year and has no end in sight so that you’re set for life.” Or maybe Ellen Degeneres was just, like, really lucky and hit the lesbian jackpot, who knows.

Aren’t they just the sweetest family you’ve ever seen? Thanks, MS Paint. Once Tina came back from her lesbian hiatus, she was Deb on Napoleon Dynamite and Cindy “Mac” McKenzie on the Veronica Mars series. My radar was kinda going off when I saw her on that show. She was a dimpled, tech-savvy cutie who started dating Beaver. Yeah. You read that right. She dated Beaver. I mean, talk about subtext, amirite? Ok, so turns out Beaver was actually a dude who was a woman-hating rapist that ended up killing himself. But, like, what lesbian hasn’t had to dodge a crazy beaver bullet in their lives? If you haven’t, the beaver bullet is you.

When I told Veronica I liked beaver, this wasn’t really what I was expecting... Next time I saw her was on True Blood which is one of the gayest shows ever, literally. Vampires in general are pretty gay. To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. (More kudos if you caught that one, too.) This is when I remembered that she existed in the world and I got excited about it. Anyway she played Mac with a leather jacket.

Yall need tech support in this vampire world or nah?

Shortly after, I started watching older seasons of Bones on Netflix and there she was again. This adorable, petite bundle of gay with a gun. 

Yall need tech support for these dead bodies or nah? Currently, she has a pretty active Twitter that she just recently joined in April. So far, no concrete evidence of gayness except for a tweet where she called a female co-star a dreamboat. :)

So maybe I can’t tell a sea lion from a sea otter from a seal. But I do think I can tell a lesbo when I see one. And I’m lookin at you, Majorino.

[closetedcelesbians]

You should check out Emily Bett Rickards. Mad vibes from her, yo. Constant flirting with female costars, esp Caity Lotz and Haley Ramm, both of whom, ironically, play/ed bisexuals.

It's funny you should say that because I just saw a tweet from comic con from Caity Lotz's panel with a quote "Sara's relationship wasn't about being gay. It was about being in love. Man or woman, it's about love." http://t.co/Ux5hhnTtsfAnd obvi I was like ALERT ALERT ALERT lesbian relationship on a show I haven't seen yet!!!!Now I'm going to have to binge watch Arrow (which I was going to do anyway, but now I have even more reason to).Thank you for the tip!!

[closetedcelesbians]

The greatest adventure is getting out of a rut and finding a celesbian who likes sea otters.

The TL;DR version of this post can be found at the bottom*.

It's been a long time since my last post. I could say that life got in the way and that I was just oh-so-busy but that would be a lie because I have no life and I play video games like 87 hours a day. That's a lie, but like, I really like Far Cry 4, yall. And I do sort of have a life sometimes. But also sometimes I don't, and I really like it that way.

You know, a while ago it was such an awesome 15 (re: 30) minute break from work to just sit and google hot celebrities that I think might be secret closeted lesbians to add them to my blog list. But then business started getting slow. And then business started to suck really bad. And then we were losing a lot of money and not getting any money in. And then I felt really bad for taking a break to stare at hot celesbians to write my blog. So then I stopped doing it at work. So then I kind of stopped doing it altogether.

I realized that, much like photography, when I thought of writing a celesbian blog as a "job" or something that I "had" to do, it made me not want to do it. I went to school for photography because I sucked at everything else in high school. Mainly I didn't apply myself because I hated waking up early, I hated being socially awkward in high school (and always and forever), and I hated learning about things that I knew I would never ever use again in my entire life (like parabolas in pre-calculus. Or was it algebra II? I mean, really parabolas could have even come from biology it totally sounds like a disease you can get where bacteria eats you from the inside out. But guess what? It doesn't matter because I DON'T EVER USE THEM IN THE REAL WORLD. At least not until I come down with a bad case of Parabola, then I will be really, really sorry and wish I had paid more attention in Biolalgebralcus class. But until that day comes, FUCK PARABOLAS! *insert rock and roll/demon hand signs here*)

So, long, depressing story short, I have been reading some really fabulous books lately--something I do when I'm not sitting on my couch watching horrible reality tv like MTV's Challenge: Battle of the Exes Part 2 or any Joss-Whedon-related-tv-show (yeah, how the same person could be obsessed with both of those things confuses me, too) and it has made me want to write again. I still haven't had very many occasions like that with photography, but maybe one day I will.

But now that I'm back into writing, I feel like I owe it to myself and my one reader (three readers if you count my two cats, and also the original one reader is imaginary, so if you don't count that, then really only my cats who I actually just read my blog aloud to, so if they aren't paying attention to me, then it really is just for me) to get back on that high horse (the "high horse" is this blog) and get down to business ("get down to business" means picking a female celebrity that I will find convincing evidence to support my claim that she might be [re: IS TOTALLY] gay and then posting it to this-here blog). If we were talking about Captain Hammer, then those phrases would definitely mean something way different. (The hammer is his penis. So is the high horse.)

So then really that high horse time is now. I'm now picturing a horse that is high and it's like the coolest thing ever. I have a list on my phone of celesbian names in between my list of "Wines I Like" and "Scary Movies to Download" and I know there's this one girl that I thought of and then never added to the list which always pisses me off because I can never remember it later, but I AM REMEMBERING HER NOW JUST WRITING THIS and it's the hot tech savvy girl from Veronica Mars and Flipper. I think she was in Flipper or maybe a movie about a sea lion, which is not a dolphin, but also a sea creature, so I was pretty close. They both swim in the water and have tails so they are practically the same creature. Also both of these movies, Flipper and Sea Otter (that's not the name of the movie, but how I will identify this movie) made me cry, so they also share that in common.

YOU GUYS I JUST LOOKED UP THAT MOVIE AND IT'S CALLED ANDRE AND I THINK I NEED TO WATCH IT TONIGHT BECAUSE LOOK AT THAT MOVIE POSTER FOR IT!

(image: impawards.com)

Yes. She will be my next celesbian. And if you're lucky, I'll post it before 2016.

*TL;DR: What, you have better things to do with your life than read this?? Yeah, you probably do. In a nutshell, it's been a long time since I posted but you clearly don't care about me at all so don't worry about reading why I've been MIA for so long. I will be blogging next about a celesbian who likes sea lions in sunglasses. You're welcome.

[closetedcelesbians]

Kate Mara

U Guise. It's been a long time. I don't even know how long, I'm too scared to check. I've been lazy, mostly, but also kinda busy. So without further ado, I give you my post on Kate Mara, aka Ellen Page's secret lezbean luver.

I really kinda wish I knew anything at all about Kate's sister Rooney Mara because then I could make a post and title it something like 'Rooney Likes Poony.' MY GOD that would be perfect. But instead I'm stuck with Kate. Like...what do I do with that? Kate 'My Sister Rooney Doesn't Like Poony But I Sure Do' Mara? I don't know, it kind of takes something away from it.  

OH WELL.

So we all know that Ellen Page is gay. She came out on Valentine’s Day at an HRC event this year and it was one of the cutest things ever. You should watch it if you haven’t. 

One of Ellen Page’s BFFs is Kate Mara, at least that’s what the internet says and everything the internet says is true. This is a fact, so don’t even try to argue it. Actually, if you look up the definition of “wrong” and "right" you will see this:

That's me putting my hands on my hips, I'm not actually Madonna with pointy bewbs. 

Also, I don't know what Kate Mara and Ellen Page are doing in that cartoon, but it is super right, apparently.

So the night that Ellen Page came out, Kate tweeted her asking to be her valentine. Two hours later, Ellen responded with, “yes please.” And that night, I assume they got together and made, like, 408 finger babies. Maybe more. Maybe less. But probably more. 

Just in case you were confused, I'm a TOMBOY. See my hat? Oh, minor detail, I'm also a lesbian and this here is my girlfriend, Kate Mara.

I think the first time I saw Kate Mara, she was on Nip/Tuck. She played a popular cheerleader in high school. And guess what? She was secretly dating another cheerleader! They got walked in on mid-makeout and it was awesome, for me as a viewer, since I got to creep on that.

I imagine this happens at every high school ever. 

Unfortunately, that other cheerleader ended up breaking her heart and dating her ex-boyfriend. Awkwaaaardd. 

Ellen and Kate also stated a while ago that they would love to star on True Detective season 2 together as the two tiniest detectives. AND GUESS WHAT? Because I waited so long to make this post, THEY ACTUALLY MADE IT HAPPEN. So like, not only is that adorbs, I also feel the potential for a Cagney & Lacey/Nikki & Nora/Rizzoli & Isles vibe, U NO WUT I MEAN?

GAY LADY COPS. It’s inevitable.

This is how you look really gay before solving cases. 

This is how you solve cases. 

And this is how you string along a lesbian following for ratings and broken dreams.

Fine, so Ellen and Kate's video is just a spoof video and they're not actually going to be on season 2 of True Detective (don't know who dropped the ball on that one, but they are sure going to be sorry). Watch the two most adorablest, tiniest, gayest detectives on the planet be actually kind of the worst detectives ever because they're vertically challenged.

So what needs to happen is that Ellen and Kate need to for-real-for-real get that season 2 True Detectives spot and then they can come out officially as a couple at the premiere. Yep, that sounds pretty choice to me. 

[closetedcelesbians]

You left out KStew's huge crush on the under age Dakota Fanning. It was ridiculously obvious in their interviews at Sundance for The Runaways. KStew could hardly keep her hands off of Dakota, and there were plenty of longing gazes in her direction whenever she spoke. Listen to the commentary on the dvd, it's very eye--opening. KStew goes ballistic when watching the movie and any man gets near Dakota (in the film). She starts swearing and talking about how protective she is of Dakota.

Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to see this yet, but I definitely believe it. Just look at that pic of them at the MTV movie awards!!! Kristen is practically making out with Dakota. I mean, jesus, is that shit photoshopped? I don't know, but Netflix better get The Runaways, stat. Thanks for the tip.

[closetedcelesbians]

Posting something new soon. Sorry for the unplanned hiatus!

[closetedcelesbians]

K-Stew? More like Gay-Stew.

Amirite?

Kristen Stewart. A lot of people hate her. A few people love her. And a TON of lesbians think she totes plays for their team. I’m one of those lesbians.

I mentioned tiny little Panic-Room-Kristen in my Lindsey Shaw note. That’s when I very first saw Kristen Stewart. Panic Room came out in 2002 so I was like 14 or something. I don’t know, I can’t math. But I do know that that was PRIME TIME for me. I was just coming out of the closet and anyone with a hint of gay was on my radar.  Kristen Stewart was 12 when she did that movie, so we were pretty close in age. It makes it a lot less awkward that I had a weird crush on her in that movie. Right? :/ I’m crying in a corner after admitting that. 

Do you like my bowl cut? So did Mia in 2002.

It’s funny…Jodi Foster was also in Panic Room, and Jodi Foster recently came out.

Don’t worry, baby, I won’t let them take your plaid away.

Maybe Kristen is also waiting until she’s 51 to finally come out?

If you don't come out of that closet, I'm dragging you out! Life isn't your own little panic room. GET IT? We were in that movie together. You wore plaid pajamas. You looked really gay, too. Dat bowl cut.  

Two years after Panic Room, she was in another movie called Catch That Kid and I was super excited about it. She played this rebellious bank robber. Hot, right? EW YOU GUYS SHE WAS 14 STOP BEING PERVS.

Anyway, I haven’t seen either of these movies in a decade, but I seem to remember her tomboyish-ness always being there. However, tomboy does not always = gay. But a lot of the times it does. And sometimes those tomboys just don’t want to admit it. Just sayin.   

Kristen has also been in a movie called In the Land of Women (GAY)

Maybe if I leave my mouth open all the time, the words will just come out...

and The Cake Eaters (SUPER GAY).

I sure like cake. Can't you tell? My mouth is open. You could just drop some cake right in there. Just walk right on by and stick some cake in my cake hole.

But let’s speed up to the Twilight saga. I never read the books, but I did see all of the movies :/ I have MAJOR beef with Twilight in general due to the fact that I’m a Buffy fan and also a human being with a brain. No offense to any readers who don’t have brains, I know the zombie epidemic is alive and well and brains are like super high in protein for them or something. But in all seriousness, I watched Nickelodeon until I was in college and I currently watch Pretty Little Liars, so I really can’t talk. Everyone has their own tastes. Buffy is definitely 2394877 times better, but that’s for another time and place.

Kristen played Bella, the doe-eyed mouth-breather to Robert Pattinson’s Edward. Star-crossed lovers; one a human, the other a vampire. Never seen that before ;) 

People say that Kristen is a bad actress in this series. She’s definitely not the best, but when you’re starring opposite some dude you have no interest in but your producers and manager make you pretend you’re dating, I can imagine that it would be a little rough to fake those feelings for the cameras. I assume that’s what happened. Have you ever noticed that any movie coming out, the two main stars end up dating IRL? I can’t possibly believe that their on-screen chemistry was so great that they decided to bring it off-screen. No. Their managers and producers said YALL ARE A COUPLE NOW. THIS WILL MAKE SO MUCH HYPE FOR THE MOVIE/TV SHOW. WE ARE GOING TO BE SO RICH. BELLA AND EDWARD IN REAL LIFE, TEENAGERS ARE GOING TO GO BERSERK. And they did.

The same thing happened with Snow White & The Huntsman. Oh, you’re boinking the director of your own movie? SCANDALOUS! I want to see Snow White now!!!! Maybe not so much with that one, considering the director’s wife has now filed for divorce.  But it sure is a way to spark conversation and get the word out about the movie. 

Let's step away from the acting career. Because really, that's all it is. Acting. What does she spend her time doing when she isn't acting?

Being really, really into girls.

Teehee, no, you just have something in your teeth, hold still. I can get it with my tongue.

La la la. I might be constipated, but at least I'm holding a girl's hand!

Nurse's stations really turn me on. Like, imagine me being a sexy nurse. Cuz that's what I'm doing to you.

I just wanna put a baby inside of you. I'm going to use my magical closeted celesbian powers and make it happen. Just you watch. 

Baby in. 

And to make it even more obvious,

That's all I want, too, K-Stew. Welcome to the team.

[closetedcelesbians]

Lindsey Shaw

The full title of this post was supposed to be Lindsay Shaw-it-coming-from-a-mile-away-gay but my blog didn't like how long it was.   

I very first set my little eyeballs on Lindsey Shaw when she played Jennifer Ann “Moze” Moseley on Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, which was an amazing show on Nickelodeon.

More like Jennifer Ann "Baby Dyke" Moseley, amirite?

Much like Kristen Stewart in Panic Room, I got a HUGE lesbo vibe from Lindsey Shaw in this series. She played a tomboy who was secretly in love with her classmate Ned (who could have also easily passed for a lesbian himself). 

Just two lesbians trying to make it through high school in 2004. 

At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what the premise of the show was, I was actually too busy daydreaming about all the notes Moze and I would be passing to each other in the halls about having sleepovers in our matching plaid pajamas. And we’d eat ice cream and talk about Ned and how "he’s 'OK' but there are other people in this school, Moze, like, I don’t know, me." And then we’d start dating. The end.  

It all started with just one note (and one 5-minute session in MS Paint) 

I don’t know if I should admit this, but considering I watched a Nickelodeon show well into my high school years, I’m just gonna let it all hang out. Why not, right? I’m also a huge fan of the show Pretty Little Liars.

If you’re a lez and you haven’t seen it, you should give it a chance. There are 4 hot girls, 5 if you count the dead one, Alison. And no, I’m not giving away any spoilers because she’s totes dead in the first episode and it’s the premise of the show, so deal with it. I hate spoilers, so if you spoil me, I will murder you just like I murdered Alison Dilaurentis. Just kidding, it wasn’t me. Or was it? ;)

Now, Lindsey Shaw plays SPOILER ALERT one of the Little Liar’s girlfriends. More SPOILER ALERT ahead if you are planning to watch the show but haven’t yet (WHY HAVEN’T YOU? It's on Netflix). Her character, Paige McCullers (which is a super gay name, by the way) actually starts out as this really insane freakshow who wants to legit kill one of the Little Liars, Emily, because she’s better at swimming.

That's not how scissor kick looks, Emily, NOW DO IT RIGHT.

But turns out, she was only trying to kill her because she was secretly in love with her. AWWW!!! How sweet :)

So she turned from a batshit crazy closet-case into a hot, hot lesbian cowgirl.

Not sure why they let me into this school function with no shirt or bra on.

Weird transition, I know, but it totally works. Ok, so she’s not really a cowgirl, that’s a costume from a Halloween episode or something (once again, I don’t actually pay attention to the plot, just how much I want to pass the Little Liars notes…I’m really not sure why all of my fantasies revolve around passing girls notes…wait, yes I do. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL MAKES A LOT MORE SENSE NOW!!!) But Paige is definitely still a hot lesbian--cowgirl or not. I know that’s subjective, but, I mean, she is. Even if she did just step out of one of Jenny Schecter’s fucked up carnival disaster novels.

Abraxas, the demon of lies. Is Jenny writing scripts from the grave?

Wait that’s another costume party.

There we go! Not a costume, just my plaid shirt! My closet is full of them. Cuz I'm gay. 

So Lindsey Shaw is actually really, really into Paige & Emily, or what is called “Paily” by the fandom. Here’s a little snippet of an interview from AfterEllen:

AE: ...Can we talk for a second about your chemistry with Shay, which keeps getting more and more lovely all the time. And if I’m not terribly mistaken, you guys are huge Paily shippers. LS: Dude, we are the biggest Paily shippers of all time. It’s so easy, the dynamic between us now. I feel like we see each other as human beings, and I feel like we’re sort of on the same vibrational path. I couldn’t have more respect for her if I tried. She reminds me all the time of what it’s like to be a good person, and that always translates to what we do on screen.’ (full interview here, but I warn you, there are spoilers)

SAME VIBRATIONAL PATH, HUH? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, LINDSEY? I think I know what it means, but I don’t want to spoil you guys. But I will. SPOILER ALERT: she is so gay, y'all.

Lindsey Shaw is also into nutrition (gay), is BFFs in real life with her on-screen girlfriend (gay), and only eats fish. Wait no, she doesn’t ONLY eat fish, that’s just the only meat she eats. If you know what I mean. ;)

CASE CLOSED.

[closetedcelesbians]

Whoop, there it is.

It's happening. My first (technically second, but shut up) post. I do apologize for making you wait with such anticipation, as I'm sure you having been refreshing this page constantly. But I apparently have a life and had to go on this vacation thing and blah blah blah, no one cares, GET TO THE CELESBIANS ALREADY, JESUS.

I'm going to start with someone you might not expect. She might not be "young" and currently in "the scene" (what even is that, I don't know) but she's been here. She's been here and she's been secretly queer since before Tumblr even existed. I don't even know when Tumblr started to exist. Last year? Just kidding. But really, I have no idea.

We all know who Whoopi Goldberg is. But what do we actually know about her? Sure maybe you know that she doesn't have any eyebrows.

No eyebrows, no worries.

And I'm sure you might have guessed her real name isn't Whoopi. It's Caryn. At one point in time, she was actually going by the name Whoopi Cushion. Do you know why? DO YOU KNOW WHY? Because she farted so much backstage. :) Whoopi is an incredibly complex person. Apparently she had a troubled past, including being hooked on heroin. Maybe I'm the only one who didn't know that, but that's crazytown (and I'm not talking about that catchy "Butterfly" song--click if you dare--although it is one of my favorites....DON'T JUDGE.) She married her drug counselor waaaay back in the day, but divorced him. She was young and impressionable. He helped her kick a habit. It's understandable she would fall for all that, but then she wised up. Whoopi recently directed a movie about Moms Mabley, the first female comic to make a living doing stand-up comedy. Whoopi, just like me, was determined to find absolute proof that Moms was a lesbian. She found a card with Moms on it, dressed as a man, and concluded that Moms was, in fact, gay.

Totes gay in that blazer.

If THAT is all the proof Whoopi needs, ladies and gentlemen, then I think I have all the info I need to prove that Whoopi herself is gay. First of all, Whoopi considers herself a "staunch liberal democrat" and owns a cat named Oliver. NEED I SAY MORE? What, you need more proof? Fine. She's friends with Patrick Stewart, who not only has the cutest bromance ever with Sir Ian Fleming, but is also thought to possibly be gay.

No homo. / It's only gay if there's tongue ?

Gays stick together, y'all. And that's what Whoopi and Pat Stew (does that work?) are doing.

Whoopi got divorced from her third husband (3rd time is the charm to realize you're gay???) in 1995. 1995! That was almost 20 years ago. So what has she been doing these past 20 years, romantically? Your guess is as good as mine. And my guess is getting all up in some View poon.

Sup, Bawbwa?

Psssst. Barb has been divorced from her husband since '92 ;)

Oh, and y'all? Whoopi has an EGOT. Did you know that? She's a queen.