Worst

Anxiety is real, depression's very heavy I wear them both inside my hoodie, wear them out to get me You wanna get drunk so you can't remember nothing.. Awsten's side blog To be take OOC Only/ And for Gossip Blog And Character development purposes as well.

[closetxmonsters]

It's not that I don't want a child with you. I fear for it. I don't want to, be a shit father like my dad. "Go to school. Make something out of yourself. That music shit is just a phase." Which is one of the main reasons I did go back to finish and get a degree.

In the end I did it for him more than myself. And I don't want to be that father that, loves one kid more than the other. I know you assured me that it's not possible, that we both would have enough love to give to both. But that fear is there. And I don't know, I would want a serogate instead of adopting. But that's something we'd have to talk about. Something I rather tell you when I do get my voice back.

[closetxmonsters]

Everything has seemed to be falling into place little by little. I'm getting married to one of my best friends I'm adopting little danny and I couldn't be happier. I have a kid with the man I love the most in this world. This is truly amazing. I feel like I'm on top of the world, cloud fucking nine.

Except for my throat. I think I damaged something. It hurts and has been killing me. What's a singer without his voice? No one. They're no one. My voice is my life and whole career. This cannot be happening to me. I feared this so much.

[argentdeternite]

[closetxmonsters]

I did it.

I finally mustered up the balls to ask emerson to marry me.

And as if that wasn't enough - He gave me adoption papers to sign. To be danny's other dad.

Fuck I'm so happy. I feel all tingly and cold from excitement.

Finally - fucking finally I'm happy.

No one can ruin this for me.

[closetxmonsters]

I don't...

Feel anything?

[closetxmonsters]

Task Playlist

Awsten Constantine Knight.

This playlist consists of songs that explain how awsten has been feeling lately. His anxiety has him thinking a million miles a minute and one of those thoughts are about how the anniversary of when he lost his wings is coming up. Awsten couldn't be with the person he loved the most at the time because he was not human. This lead to awsten ripping out his own wings, causing him to bleed out and almost die. He tells lies about how he lost his wings because he doesn't want people to see him as a coward. In the end, awstens human side died forever that night. He's afraid to give anyone his all due to fearing that the love he gives isn't enough, causing him to close off completely. Each song awsten chose represents how he's feeling, has felt.

I'm becoming this, all I want to do / Is be more like me and be less like you. - Awsten wants to become his old self, his old happy in love self. But instead, he's becoming something he fears.

I walk a lonely road / The only one that I have ever known / Don't know where it goes / But it's home to me and I walk alone - Awsten has been here countless times before, feeling lost within himself. Pushing everyone away on purpose and not telling anyone how he feels. He even stopped seeing and talking to his therapist.

Livin' life like this ain't real though / Every night like this I feel so /Dead wrong, collision is head on / My vision is dead and gone /Perception of right and wrong / I been here so very long - Awsten gave Emerson a vile containing his grace. It was more for protection of emerson and his mother. Ever since than, Awsten has been feeling empty. He felt as if Emerson wasn't grateful. Although he knows emerson loves him, awsten feels as if they're drifting apart and that is his own fault.

Can you save my / heavy dirty soul - Awstens soul isn't clean. His soul is dark. He's killed a few of his feathered brothers, some who he had been close with. Closer than anyone he's close to. Awsten made a deal with a demon to have his soul removed. Little did awsten know that he had to learn to fake certain emotions like happiness and sadness, up to the point where he believes he's actually happy until the darkness consumes him and all hope leaves his mind.

Hey dad look at me / think back and talk to me / did I grow up according to / plans - Awsten has always looked up to his father and has always been closer to his father than his own mother. It has been a while since awsten called his parent's, let alone his dad. His dad found out that awsten has been secretly giving grace money, taking the role of the father figure since grace came to him for financial help. Awstens father was furious to know what his son had been doing behind his back.

Petrified of who you are and who you have become / You will hide from everyone, denying you need someone - Awsten will push everyone away until he's completely alone and that's how he likes it. He enjoys letting the sadness and darkness consume him until he's unrecognizable even to himself.

[closetxmonsters]

My heart is beating too quickly that I'm gonna throw up...

[closetxmonsters]

I told emerson I needed to go back to LA because my shitty ass Landlord is trying to kick me out even though my lease isn't up until October dude.

But fuck, at least he's doing me a favor. I've been living at my place for almost a year and my shit is still in storage.

The only shit I have is my fridge, a couple of clothes and shoes in some suitcases. I've been living... Light in case I have to leave.

Which I am going to be doing.. I'm going to leave before they find me.

"Why do you keep running away?"

Because if I stay put they'll find me.. they'll find me and then I'm screwed..

[closetxmonsters]

I'm.. feeling so numb..

So fucking numb...

So.. damn... Numb...

[closetxmonsters]

Finally met the love if my life's mom and let me tell you. Splitting image. It makes me realize, I haven't been in contact with my parents for a while. Gracie is the only one who understands me. Which reminds me, I have to let the little shit know about my plans.

[exusemedidistutter]

[closetxmonsters]

I was so close to calling Emerson my husband on the dash.. I haven't even asked him to marry me yet.

I don't even know when it'll be the right time too.. I've been staring at this box for so long that I'm just. I just want to hide it and bury it somewhere where I'll forget about it until the time is right..

[closetxmonsters]

Mood Board ↔002/??? ↔ Awsten & Emerson.

 “If I know what love is, it is because of you.”

Awsten feels very fortunate to have emerson in his life. From their first kiss to their first fort date, awsten couldn't love anyone more than Emerson at this point. This new found feeling of love scares awsten to the point of having some anxiety. The anxiety of Emerson leaving him for someone else. But love tends to over ride that fear.

[closetxmonsters]

Mood board (001/???) ↔ Awsten Constantine Knight ↔Fallen Angel

ᵉᵛᵉⁿ ᵗʰᵒᵘᵍʰ ᵐʸ ᵃⁿᵍᵉˡ ʰᵃˢ ᶠᵒʳᵍⁱᵛᵉⁿ ᵐᵉ ᵃⁿᵈ ʳᵉˢᶜᵘᵉᵈ ᵐᵉ, ʷʰᵒ ᵒⁿ ᵉᵃʳᵗʰ ʷⁱˡˡ ˢᵃᵛᵉ ʰⁱᵐ, ʷʰᵒ ᶜᵃⁿⁿᵒᵗ ᵇᵉ ᵃˡˡᵒʷᵉᵈ ⁱⁿᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ˡⁱᵍʰᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵘⁿ, ʷʰᵒ ʰᵃˢ ˡᵒˢᵗ ʰⁱˢ ⁿᵃᵐᵉ, ʷʰᵒ ᶜᵃⁿ ᵒⁿˡʸ ʰⁱᵈᵉ ʰⁱᵐˢᵉˡᶠ ⁱⁿ ᵗʰᵉ ʷᵒʳˡᵈ ᵒᶠ ᵈᵃʳᵏⁿᵉˢˢ?

Awsten was cast down from heaven when he was spending a but too much time in the human world. This cause awsten to retaliate and kill one of his own, which is one of many reasons he cannot get his wings back or go back to heaven. He is also being hunted by his own.

[teenagecrush]

[closetxmonsters]

Just because my hair is green now, grace doesn't mean I thought of you. It's not all about you.

I'm finally happy. I don't need constant negativity in my life bitch.

[closetxmonsters]

What the fuck are you doing here you fucking bitch. No, no no. Go back to the rock you came from.