wading through my mind

A place for my thoughts to fall. Hello, I am just a thinker, doer, seeker and lover. If you have something to share feel welcome to toss a message my way.

[cloudrider9]

Thank you for sharing. I find myself daydreaming a lot over traumatic experiences. Is the reason you don't share often because you have a good therapist? I would be interested in hearing more.

Sorry this response has been so delayed. Thank you for your inquiry!

It's complicated, isn't it ... life? Lol. so I do have a lovely counselor. Had a few in life. What's really helped me though, Is to write stuff out of course, which I have far more writing's than represented here.

Mostly though, I feel deeping my spirituality has been a gift to myself. I understand my path much clearer for it.

I also use in depth professional level astrology and I am a dream researcher, I also read runes and Tarot for insights into energy fluctuations.

I also started my own business and perform with an international chorus.

I work hard to forgive the people that have hurt me as they are on their own paths that are rather complex too.

I stay busy and when I need to I don't reject my feelings.

I hope that answers any questions. Please feel free to chat again! 😊

[cloudrider9]

Daydreaming

I recently read an article about a girl that day dreamed most of her childhood and into adulthood even, away. She had a really “normal” family upbringing, never reporting anything terribly a miss however it was noted she had experienced school bullying on a few occasions, it naturally petered out and she reported no further actions.

She spend years, every day, daydreaming. Her parents became so concerned they brought her to several doctors of varying degrees in an attempt to pull her out of it. They said sometimes she would watch TV a little or do some other activity and get a flash of inspiration and just walk away to sit somewhere and stare for hours back in the day dream again. The day dream was a recurring type.

She always returned to the same world where she was a boy, her alter ego. He went through so many adventures! He almost died many times. She brought him back from the brink many times. He broke bones and fell from heights, he traveled the world climbing mountains and fighting the bad guys. He even fell in love but that was rather star crossed in a more black hole perhaps type way as she ended up being one of the worst bad guys he encountered!

Anyways, I guess that story occurred to me again today while doing some tidying up and thinking about some of the ways I coped with Trauma as a child and teen even as an adult in all honesty. I daydream a lot. Not like the girl from the story but I've explored so many of my hidden worlds. I dream so much in sleep too and the dreams with naps are always fun.

I was born into a traumatic situation. A violent alcoholic father and a downtrodden, victimized mom. She didn't think she could ever make it without him and he stayed out late every night it seems for the 7 years they were married. They had 2 of us children, me and my little brother.

My dad used to take me to pawn shops and pool halls when I was 4 & 5 years old. Back then it was the 1980′s and no one cared too much if a kid wasn't in a seat belt so I often rode in the front seat standing up. My mom and dad decided to try and get me to start sitting. Dad and I headed out in my moms little yellow Volkswagen bug to his friend fun pawn shop. It even had a old vending soda machine you could put a quarter in, open the door and grab a drink. I loved going there with dad. His discipline let something to be desired though as we drove down the rode I remember he asked me to sit down so I kinda crouched a Little. He seemed content with that, so after a few seconds I stood back up and so he slammed on the car breaks sending me forward at high speed to smash my head on the car window leaving a giant sun burst crack in the windshield. So yeah dad had issues.

Mom finally left him and we stayed in a women and childrens shelter until family could sort out where we could stay. We bounced around a little bit between friends and family until my mom married my stepfather who as it turned out had a penchant for female children. My bad luck it seemed would continue. After a couple years of the abuse that ensued in my new life I confided to my mom at 8 and she said If I ever told anyone our family would have to break up because she couldn't get by with us on her own. She even took me to therapy though I have no idea why. She reminded me on the way to the first appointment what would happen if I told about anything but about my actual dad(who she was actively trying to sever his parental rights at that point), I couldn't talk about my current life, she bound me from that. To the outer world I was a normal if very small girl who was quiet and liked to play and draw. No internet yet with all the games kids have today I  read books for hours and built forts outside with my little brother. I had a few close friends through the years and managed to have fun and mostly stayed out of trouble.  I was also bullied in many schools over the years until I graduated from High School with academic honors.

I've rambled this out I suppose and to kind of wrap it up I will just say, I found myself thinking today about the story of the daydreaming girl and how she had developed that tendency as a result of her bullying trauma. I daydreamed to escape a dark world with no visible way out of that reality.  I took refuge in my dreams so many times. It was really a savior in a way during some very dark times.  I need certainly a tangible connection to others so disappearing completely into a daydream doesn't work for me but I do understand how getting lost in one's own world offers peace in places you can't escape any other way.

[cloudrider9]

Waiting for the Rain

Everyday it doesn’t rain is a day I am waiting for the rain. I love the days that rain hard. Thunder pounding the walls and roof, shaking the glass in my windows with the booms. The air feels charged. Electric. I feel on those days like opening the windows and letting my room fill with the diffuse light. I do my best work in the rain, doesn’t matter what the work is.

I love the days that gently rain. As soft as it looks it feels the same. A cocoon of fog and mist to hide within. I love the lazy rains too. You know. The ones that just fall as they will. Fat drops that splat across the panes and leave the tiny mesh holes of the window screen full. To sit and trace patterns across the metal breaking those little flat bubbles with my finger tip.

I once had a porch with a tin roof. A tiny table and chairs sat there, me perched with a cup of tea and just my thoughts. Looking at the rain and trying to notice as many drops as I could. I could stay in those days for how long? Maybe forever. I can’t say.

I remember the first time I really saw the rain. I was four in the back seat of my mom’s car. We were driving down the beach highway turned and I was turned looking out the back window (what seat belts? Ha it was 1980, lol) I really noticed the actual drops. I guess I hadn’t before. Or maybe the processing became just right in that instant. I was so excited I actually believed for a moment I may be the only person who could truly see the individual drops (the mind of a four year old).

My mom’s always telling the story of the morning I was born and the storm that moved in off the coast. She said the power was flickering in the hospital and they had flood warnings issued. The hospital was prepared to go to generator power. I came out crying so hard she said. Red faced and mad! Haha!

I have made love lying outside in the rain. The ground so warm beneath my back. Looking into my lovers eyes as drops spashed on us. Rolling and fast and soft across our bodies. The smell of the wet hot earth and the gentle muffled sound the rain made hitting the blades of grass. The beauty of the moment stealing my breath and grounding my soul.

I remember a rain once that flooded a street I lived on and me and the neighborhood kids grabbed our plastic pools and literally used them as boats to captain down our street! So fun! I came into this world riding a storm and I haven’t stopped yet. The rain shows me who I am and how to be. I fall. And I rise again.

[cloudrider9]

Ethereal. Soulful. True. This song is worth listening too. Promise.

[cloudrider9]

Ponderings

I wondered today if being fragile means not being strong...I think being fragile in context of being a person means having been broken before thus having more points of possible frature...something to consider.

[cloudrider9]

Life lessons: The muse

…The things in myself I struggled to see as good enough, He exemplifies and I completely fell in love with those aspects upon seeing how he shines them, there in his blue eyes…

[cloudrider9]

A kalidescope gif I made one night of a full moon with tree branches partially blocking it's view.

[cloudrider9]

Memories: Chapter 1.

It’s cool I think, the way we make memories about moments in time. An album of floating words and pictures that we can leaf through in our minds. I think I will add filters to some as a mental task.

[cloudrider9]

Perspective:

Our perspectives subjective as they are, are likely to be more complete if we keep an open mind and learn to allow more relativity into our views of any given situation by way of seeking out the truths we may still lack…

[cloudrider9]

I am always looking up. Everyday the sky shows so much beauty day or night. I hope where you are your sky is lovely today. :-)

[cloudrider9]

I am so excited for our family garden this year. A spring and summer with gardening hands is just the thing my spirit needs! :-)

[cloudrider9]

I Will:

I am caged. A great beast behind bars. Someday I will prowl. I will wander day and night. Someday I will escape. I am secured. A mad illusionist trapped in chains. Someday I will rise. I will disappear in a burst of light.

I am bound. A book waiting to be opened. I will be read. Fingers licked as my pages one by one observed, each front and back.

I am a blade. Sheathed in darkness and stone. sharpened by bone. I will be resurrected from my cold home.

I am a still and abandoned home deep in the woods. My halls and rooms echo only with the past. I will be found and tended by a creative hand. Restored to simple slendors. lived in

I am confined. I won’t be forever though. Someday I will be free

I am waiting. A dancer in the wings. Listening for the tempo to rise and fall. I will dance forward into the light.

I am released. Soaring through the sky. A stream lined body. I will my wings to open in flight.

I am liberated. A slave glimpsing first light. On hands and knees bloody and bare. I will my body to rise.

I am playing. A child with a doll. Watching clouds as they float in this sphere. I will see the dragons fence in the sky.

I am emancipated. A rebellious youth, wild. Jumping in the car. Music full blast I will myself to be alive.

[cloudrider9]

The Early Evening Sky today. :-) ♡

[cloudrider9]

Days that Feel "Different"...

Have you ever had a day that just “Felt” different? Like everything appears the same. The way it did the day before or so on, but suddenly you may feel like “something” has changed?

I have have quite a few of those lately, my best friend(husband) noticed a couple of them as well. We have had a lot of recent changes too but some of the days seemed routine in every way other than the altered “feeling”.

That has prompted me to have the thought that it may very well be that something significant on several of the days that seemed mundane did indeed happen but those occurrences were beyond my view if you will.That really makes me wonder at all the actions that are occurring all of the time behind the veil of my understanding.

Perhaps something to ponder on ocassion…it’s to be noted though that indeed on more than 2 of the days something did happen significant after noticing the “air” if you will of the day…Thoughts to ponder…

[cloudrider9]

I made this little film on a trip my husband and I took with our 9 year old son to an old National Park Battlefield a couple weeks back. It was so lovely and peaceful with the trees thick and tall. The pathway was very grassy and wide. Heavily forested on both sides. We went off path to get to the creek and it was beautiful.

[cloudrider9]

This was a really nice quick guided meditation I tried out yesterday.

[cloudrider9]