@clussyeater5000 - Tumblr Blog

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Hate knowing that breaking no contact with my ex to go off about how awful she is and that I’m mad that I didn’t recognize it and stand up for myself more, and tell her that she’s just like her mom, is a terrible idea.

#as i continue to process the break up i just feel rage #god bro that bitch was evil #what do you mean i was sobbing about losing her #i dont miss her at all #in the three months we’ve been apart i just get more and more disgusted #by her and me #im so mad i didnt leave earlier

omg i love the comics so much

my-dailydreams

Slept for like two hours and woke up sad and cried again. Scrolling through tiktoks and cried again and it’s literally so dumb lol the person asked “what object in your house knows you the best?” And as two women, we constantly made the joke “women are objects” so I thought of her, and had to mentally correct to ex instead of partner, and thought about her leaving my house.

#i had stopped mourning like this #but the finality of her not being here is absolutely wrecking me #for our anniversary she got us matching sweaters with each other’s initials #i thought about throwing it away but couldnt bring myself to #i want to pack it away #but i just want to wear it and cry #i hate that she’s sleeping on the couch with her bed in a uhaul #i wish i couldve asked her to sleep in bed with me one last time #im going to confirm with her that she’ll cone say goodbye before she’s fully gone #i don’t know what i want to say in goodbye #but i cant not #and i dont know if she will hug me one last time but i want to ask for that too #i dont know if thats right but i just want to hold her and tell her that i wish the best for her

Hearing her sob in the living room while i sob in my room ✌🏼

#she’s officially gone tomorrow #god this hurts so much more than i was ready for

I am so ready to have my house back and my peace. And three hours ago I wasn’t sad at all thinking about it. But she came in and we could joke and talk and I heard her talking and laughing from the other room. And I do still love her voice and her laugh, I do still soften for her. I still love her so much. I don’t regret the choice to end it, I would not even consider taking it back. And it hurts so bad.

#i wish i could reasonably stay her friend #i wish it wouldnt feel worse to keep her in my life #i wish i didnt miss her and hurt #i know i’ll go back to being mad later #but the moments when im sad instead absolutely crush me

Break ups are wild because this morning I accidentally saw her crying and as soon as she left I violently sobbed at the kitchen table and could no longer bring myself to even try and eat the bagel I intended to force myself to choke down.

Now it’s 2:30 am and I’m up absolutely seething over how terribly I was treated

#i can only eat if i go out with people #ive lost 10 lbs in a week #last night i was also up sobbing #but then today she waited until i left the house to come into my bedroom and go through everything to take what she wanted #without a discussion or anything #meanwhile i put her shit in ‘her’ room #which is in my house that i bought alone and pay literally every bill without her help #and she wants me to give a heads up #im sorry but i need to give a heads up to put things in a room in my house but you get to go through every drawer and take whatever #i want her out of my fucking house #i cried when the first of her things were packed up because seeing our shit separated hurt #currently i just want all of it gone

#god i just want to eat out #i think im looking for coping mechanisms rn tbh #i bought clowns online and new decor for the bedroom to make it mine again #but i want a girl to sit on my face #the apps suck and i dont want to find something overly serious #but i dont want to entertain anything that i know has 0 chance of being anything #i miss being slutty in my 20s

As much as I’m hurting and mourning, I just need to remind myself that I am mourning what we could have been, not what the relationship was. Just because she met my needs early on when the stakes were still low doesn’t mean it ever was going to get back there. If the relationship was happy, I wouldn’t have ended it.

I loved her with everything I had, I would do anything to make her happy. And I never felt appreciated, I was never at peace, I was always sad, always desperate for more. I constantly felt like I was bothering her, I was not loved the way I needed to be. And I communicated so many times that I needed more, and I was made so many promises.

She could always justify why it was my fault she didn’t meet my needs. I consistently apologized to her when she hurt me. It kept me up at night, I had panic attacks and was throwing up regularly from the stress of this relationship.

I miss laughing with her and talking to her and being with her. I miss making dinner together, I miss the ways we clicked. I am heartbroken that we were going to start trying for a family that will never happen. I don’t miss feeling guilty for trying to cuddle my partner. I don’t miss a loud sigh before being given a hug. I don’t miss caring for her and loving her while she was sick, for her to refuse to care for me while I was sick because she was tired of spending time with me. I don’t miss writing out what I wanted to say to her in my notes, only to delete it because I know she’s just going to be upset with me for wanting her to love me more.

The last “date” day we had, she was annoyed we had already spent time together the days prior. So she forced herself to hang out anyways, wouldn’t look at me, would barely talk to me. Knowing I was bothering her caused me to have a panic attack, and she wouldn’t comfort me through it when I asked for it.

I deserve better than this, I deserve to be loved. I deserve affection and care. I deserve a partner who sees what I bring to the table and loves me as much as I love them.

#i literally got on my knees in the tub and washed her legs before spending hours waxing her #followed by me washing her legs again before massaging them with oil #and she wouldnt even hold me when i asked her to while i was having a panic attack #that i was having because i felt so much guilt over ‘making’ her spend time with me

I love having a sensitive partner. We put on Bad Santa as a ‘fun’ Christmas movie that she hasn’t seen and she was sobbing every time he was a dick he was a dick to Thurman. Literally so cute, I just love her

#she has a very soft heart and i wouldn’t change it for anything

dogpuppy

cryptotheism

Agree to do petplay with a girl and I just run around naked in the bushes devestating the local ecosystem for several weeks until I get hit by a car and go to hell because I can't be Catholic

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