the dingo did it

05.14.09 09.08.12 The name is Jacoba Francisca Maria Smulders- Killam, but you probably know me as Robin or Maria. Lemonade stands are my one weakness.

[tslet-deactivated20240225]

I need some of that holy water. Red-eye flights are no joke.

[cobiemaria]

Those are the best flights to get, though. Beats the afternoon hustle.

[tslet-deactivated20240225]

You think so? I feel like it’s draining. Probably because I don’t sleep haha

[cobiemaria]

Yeah. It gives you a lot of time to sleep and think. Well, there's the answer as to why you're so drained after. Gotta sleep, man.

[tslet-deactivated20240225]

I need some of that holy water. Red-eye flights are no joke.

[cobiemaria]

Those are the best flights to get, though. Beats the afternoon hustle.

[une-attente]

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[throwbacksongs]

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Adam Lambert - Whataya Want From Me

[cobiemaria]

[text]: Why are you in the hospital?! Are you okay?!

[text]: Ah.

[text]: I'm alright. 

[text]: Baby didn't make it. There's really no way to simplify that, is there? 

[cobiemaria]

@CobieSmulders: Hospitals that don't have HBO on their guide kill me with annoyance.

[cullenbohannons-hasmoved-blog]

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Nickelback | Lullaby

[kindredelephants]

The world had ended, and I was the only person who knew it. People walked along the streets as if the pavements hadn’t all crumbled beneath their feet. They pretended to breathe in and out while all the time I knew the air had been sucked away in a monstrous inhalation from God himself. I alone was suffocating in the nightmare.

Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (via kindredelephants)

[cobiemaria]

Beside you [Cobie/Taran]

“The world had ended, and I was the only person who knew it. People walked along the streets as if the pavements hadn’t all crumbled beneath their feet. They pretended to breathe in and out while all the time I knew the air had been sucked away in a monstrous inhalation from God himself. I alone was suffocating in the nightmare.”

WARNING: Underneath the cut there's a stillbirth and description of a stillborn. Nothing too graphic, but it may still be upsetting to some. There's also talk of death, a birthing scene, and the description of someone settling into depression. This is a very heavy story line. Please do not read it if you're not comfortable with any of the things mentioned above. It's very long and has a few descriptive hospital procedures and surgical moments that may gross some readers out. This is your warning. Carry on.

There's no heartbeat.

Words had the ability to change lives. A few simple words could make or break someone- you have cancer, you're pregnant, you've been accepted to Harvard, your mother has passed, I want to marry you- they could be cruel and stir up emotions that one had tried so hard to hide. They could make the days longer and the nights shorter. Words were just words to some but to Cobie they were life altering. It had taken a simple three words to bring tears to her eyes, to cause her to stop breathing for a moment, to feel her world crash down as her thin fingers clutched at the white fabric of her shirt, not even paying attention to the fact that her husband and doctor were in the room as she cried. It wasn't something she could process properly. She couldn't bring herself to face the fact that her son had died while still in the womb. His last kick having been well over ten hours ago while Cobie had been busy at work. It had been a fairly simple day- film a few chest up shots and then wrap up. Nothing physical, nothing that would bring harm to the baby. Nothing dangerous at all. Yet here she sat in tears wondering just how death had crept into her body.

The doctor explained that it just happened sometimes. No reason had to be given. It just happened and that was life and that was exactly what Cobie had been smacked with. No closure to soothe her grief and guilt. Nothing to help her protect her future children (if she could ever pull herself out of this slump to try for a third time). She'd have to endure labor and birth and filling breasts and weeks of bleeding. Her arms would come out empty in the end and there'd be nothing to sooth her aching breasts.

Even as she's escorted to a hospital room and prepared for birth, Cobie doesn't speak a word. She just presses her lips together and lets the tears flow as the doctors look over her forms, discussing amongst themselves the best route to take for the birthing. The birth that would produce no gurgling baby at the end. She doesn't want to participate. It makes her want to scream and scream and scream in horror. It would not be clean. It would not be surgical. It would be messy and it would be active and it would open up a wound that would throb on for much longer than Cobie could ever want.

"Cobie, darling, we need you to put this on."

Cobie glances up, away from her hands, and finds her nurse holding a hospital gown. It's starting. She'll get dressed and she'll be induced and it'll all be over in a few hours. At least, the physical part will be. She's not sure if it's relief or sadness that washes over her as she makes her way to the bathroom with a silent nod of her head, hospital gown in hand. She slowly slips her shoes off, jeans following along with her socks and shirt. She stands there for a moment, simply watching her almost naked body in the body mirror on the back of the bathroom door that shes locked. Her belly looks normal as she runs her fingers along it, praying she feels any sort of movement. Something to wake her from the nightmare that shes found herself in. She had always been incredibly picky about people touching her belly, but now she can't even draw her own hands away from it.

At a knock on the door, Cobie jumps lightly and gives a defeated sigh. There's nothing she can do now but let the doctors do their job. Her bra follows and so do her underwear before she slips the gown on and heads back into the main room where she notices for the first time, through all her selfishness, that Taran is there. Taran is there and it makes the pain in her heart a bit lighter because she isn't alone. She'll never be alone. Shaelyn is at home with Fiona and Cobie finds herself a little jealous of the two because they're unaware of what has happened. They're happy and safe and she wants nothing more than to just go home and hold her little girl. To stroke her beautiful brown hair, hold her little hand, and just cry because her heart hurts for her children. For both of them. Both dead and alive.

Cobie uses her last amount of energy to give Taran a smile. Not because she's happy. Not even close, she's broken and beaten and part of her knows that she'll never fully go back to being happy. But because she wants him to know that they'll get through this. Maybe not today or tomorrow or in the next few years, but they'll survive. It'll hurt like hell and probably ruin them forever, but they'll make it. She knows this because he's there. He's there and he hasn't given up on her even though she cannot give him a second child. Even though she's at her worst and can't stop crying. He's there and she loves him now more than she ever has.

Taking her place on the bed, Cobie focuses on the ceiling. It's plain. White with ceiling fans that spin around and around, making her dizzy as she watches. She'd rather stay dizzy than focus on the awkwardness of her main doctor as he cleans her upper leg and then carefully inserts the catheter in order to get her cervix dilated. It's painful. Perhaps one of the worst pains shes ever felt. It only causes tears to well up again and she has to stop herself from jerking her leg away from him.

A few hours pass and it works. The balloon fills only to deflate as she dilates and then it's time to remove the catheter (thank god the removal is a lot easier and she doesn't cry this time). Cobie leans back against the pillows and watches with curious eyes as Dr Young carefully gives her an IV. "What's that for?" She asks, speaking for the first time since she got the news. They had tried to get her to talk but she couldn't bring herself to do so. Her voice sounds raw. As if someone's ran their nails along her voicebox, ruining it. "Oxytocin. It's a synthetic hormone that'll start your labor." Cobie nods her head. Almost over.

The labor doesn't come for another hour and that's when she finally speaks to Taran. The first thing out of her mouth is 'sorry' and a million more follow after that because she really is sorry. She had been told not to blame herself, but it's not easy. This is her body that was meant to be a safe haven for their child and it failed. She now finds herself begging, pleading, praying, hoping against all hopes that he's alright because if his pain is anywhere near hers then she's not sure how she'll fix them. Because they have to be fixed after this. For Shaelyn because as much as she wants to give up, to succumb to the guilt and pain that threatens to swallow her whole, she knows that she has a five year old daughter to take care of at home. She'll be too young to understand, but they'll still have to break the news. And that breaks her heart.

The labor is harder than she had thought it would have been. She's given a dose of Nubain and it's the best thing to happen to her all day because it almost instantly make her eyelids heavy and the pain in her torso and leg lighter, but it does nothing to calm the contractions . They come and they don't have any mercy as she counts them out, learns to breathe between them, and clenches her fists together as they hit. It's not what she wants. She knows what's coming and it won't be the beautiful laughter of her child. It'll be a dead silence that'll pierce through her and hurt. It's the signing of a death certificate and the call to a funeral home. It's a mother and father's worst nightmare yet it's Cobie and Taran's reality.

"Alright, Cobie, we're ready to push." She hears and it only takes her a moment to grab her husbands hand and hold on for dear life because this is it. This is what everything has been building up to. She leans her head back, holding Taran's hand tightly before giving the first push as instructed. Then the second. The third. The fourth. The tears flow again as she screams with every push, mumbling about how she can't do this, about how it's not time. There's soothing words coming from both Taran and nurse Karla but they meet deaf ears as Cobie pushes again. "She's crowning." Dr Young announces and there's not a single smile in the room. Breathing in, Cobie listens to the the doctor as he instructs her to push again. And again. And again. Until he's cutting her sons cord and the tiny little baby is rushed away to be cleaned. Her head falls back and it's her cries that fill the room instead of the babies.

The cries only get stronger as she's talked through birthing the placenta. Which is worse because it's still attached to the uterus. It takes 90 minutes and Cobie almost kicks the nurse in the face twice before she's finally done. A clean up follows and she's given new hospital clothes- pajama pants and a shirt. She can put her legs down, she can breathe, she can finally stop going mad with pain. "Mr Killam and Ms Smulders, would you like to see your son?" Cobie silently nods. It's their only chance before they bury him. He's tiny. About the size of a spaghetti squash and Cobie holds him as if he could break at any moment. It's the scariest and most important moment of her life as cradles him against her breast, eyes focused on him and only him.

She hands him to Taran afterwards, before he's taken away from them. The signing of the death certificate follows and the nurse informs the couple that they'll have to deal with funeral arrangements sooner or later. Cobie picks later because for right now she's just too tired and worn to deal with anything. It has been the worst day of her life and she wants nothing more than to just lie there with her husband. The hospital happily brings a cot for him, but she coaxes him into sharing the main bed with her. Fiona knows she's on Shae duty for a day or two so Cobie can relax for a short second.

"Carter." She speaks after a moment as the room clears out, dwelling on the name they wrote down. "Carter Hourie Killam. I love it. " And that's all she says before letting the medication drag her down and away from reality for a little as she stays cuddled up with Taran, counting every breath he takes.

They'll have to face everything tomorrow. The reality of it all. They'll have to carry this unrelenting burden with courage.

And that's the heaviest, most torturous burden there is.

[alonesomes]

Start by pulling him out of the fire and hoping that he will forget the smell. He was supposed to be an angel but they took him from that light and turned him into something hungry, something that forgets what his hands are for when they aren’t shaking. He will lose so much, and you will watch it all happen because you had him first, and you would let the world break its own neck if it means keeping him. Start by wiping the blood off of his chin and pretending to understand. Repeat to yourself “I won’t leave you, I won’t leave you” until you fall asleep and dream of the place where nothing is red. When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it. Oh, when you used to sing it to sleep. Here are your upturned hands. Give them to him and watch how he prays like he is learning his first words. Start by pulling him out of another fire, and putting him back together with the pieces you find on the floor. There is so much to forgive, but you do not know how to forget. When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you are the reason it has become so mangled. Here is your humble offering, obliterated and broken in the mouth of this abandoned church. He has come back to stop the world from turning itself inside out, and you love him, you do, so you won’t let him. Tell him that you will never know any better. Pretend to understand why that isn’t good enough.

Caitlyn Siehl, Start Here  (via alonesomes)

[cobiemaria]

.

[cobiemaria]

[Text]: Jacoba.. You're my life now. Dun dun dunnnn.

[[Text]]: You're the air that I breathe, Olivia Jane.

[cobiemaria]

[Text]: Good I miss my favorite too. My baby Shae and Lily are the ultimate girl pack. It sucks. Try listening to soothing music. It helped me sleep. Lol your everything girl.

[[Text]]: Best friends for life. Just like their mamas.

[cobiemaria]

[Text]: Like beautiful you. I know I have gifts for her because Aunt Liv loves her. I have been so tired and phoneless. Hopefully she forgives me. Aw good. Kicking is insane and painful. You got this. You're a MILF and you know it.

[[Text]]: She'll forgive ya! Obviously, you're her favorite! It is. Especially when you're trying to sleep. You are. Those eyes of yours. Damn.

[cobiemaria]

[Text]: Shhhh. It's natural. How about you MILF? How are you and the family doing? I knew it. Hehehe.

[[Text]]: It's adorable! !!! The family is alright. Shae turned 5 a few days ago, Taran is getting ready for SNL's finale tomorrow, baby Killam is turning out to be quite the kicker, and I'm just... doing Cobie things. Also, you're the MILF here.

[cobiemaria]

[Text]: Haha she's doing soooo good. I am in love with everything that she does. Her little faces she makes are just urgh. Her lashes are long as hell. We can have family time. Thank you baby. We celebrate with hot chocolate and cuddles.

[[Text ]]: I love how in love you are with her. And her lashes. Chocolate is my weakness, wow.

[cobiemaria]

[Text]: I should because I have to return my brother's phone plus he misses Lily. He and my sister are up there. They want to celebrate my engagement but my first two days are gonna be with you. My love. ♥

[[Text]]: How's the baby doing? I miss her. Yeeees. Come celebrate our love. And your engagement ;) Congrats btw!