Cocaine Bewear - An UltraSun Nuzlocke

[cocainebewear]

Release Date

September 9, 2026.

Mark your calendars.

[cocainebewear]

CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION: SMARTYPANTS™ Mk. II

The Future of Tactical Apparel

Notes by: Clemont, InterPol quartermaster

Notes to: Agent Johnson, recipient of new equipment

✓ Rear-View Recon

The RVR uses a system called Advanced Sonar Scans to analyze an area, then create and project a holographic map. Holographic technology can also be used for video phone and text messaging capabilities. Mission files and encrypted InterPol channels can now also be displayed externally thanks to the RVR.

WARNING: The Rear-View Recon provides advanced tactical analysis. It unfortunately does not provide social acceptance for its methods.

✓ Gluteus Maximagnet

High-powered electromagnet for rapid retrieval of metallic objects.

WARNING: Before activating, keep a minimum distance of 3 meters from Magnemite, Magneton, Magnezone, Klink, Klank, Klinklang, MRI machines, unsecured manhole covers, and active train tracks.

✓ Rectractor Clapphook

High-tension grappling launcher with automatic recoil assistance.

WARNING: Do not deploy the Rectractor Clapphook while seated.

✓ Full Frontal Flash

High-intensity tactical flashbang released from the front zipper, capable of temporarily disorienting hostiles.

WARNING: Repeated activation of the Full Frontal Flash within an hour may result in permanent blindness (yours or someone else's). 

✓ Lovehandle Loudspeaker

Directional audio projection with over 40,000 preloaded Pokémon vocalizations. In spite of your wishes, Agent Johnson, a "human female mating call" is not provided.

WARNING: Please use the Lovehandle Loudspeaker responsibly during Pokémon mating season. Manufacturer is not responsible for territorial, romantic, or otherwise emotionally-complicated encounters with wild Pokémon.

✓ Hard Reset

Activate the Hard Reset protocol to produce an electromagnetic pulse emitter. Uses remote activation to ensure user moves a safe distance from the EMP before it blows. Use near your electronic pants gadgets is ill-advised.

WARNING: May temporarily inconvenience civilization.

✓ R.E.A.R. Unit

Respiration & Environmental Air Regulator, a breathing apparatus for underwater operations.

WARNING: Device filters water into breathable air. It does not improve the taste.

✓ Posterior panel reinforcement

Utilizes layered shock dispersion mesh, adaptive compression threading, and reinforced impact-resistant fabric to add durability the user's posterior region, further protecting from extreme blunt-force trauma. 

WARNING: Improves durability, does not produce invincibility. For example: a Dragon Claw swipe from a rampaging drug-addled Bewear will still deal pain, its impact will just be minimized slightly.

✓ Rear-Guard BioSeal Protocol

Adaptive fabric repair and emergency wound stabilization system. Automatically detects tears, punctures, and bodily injury beneath the SmartyPants™ fabric, sealing damaged material while applying a rapid-response medical gel to reduce bleeding and pain.

WARNING: If Rear-Guard BioSeal Protocol activates more than three times in a single mission, reconsider your current strategy. Friendly reminder that fabric restoration and medical gel does not restore dignity, confidence, or erase the memory of what caused the injury.

✓ Cargo pockets

Installed upon Agent Johnson's request. Extra-dimensional storage compartments capable of carrying Poké Balls, equipment, evidence, and mission-critical resources without restricting movement or requiring the carrying of a backpack.

WARNING: Extra-dimensional storage does not prevent food spoilage. International Police assumes no responsibility for food poisoning, gastrointestinal distress, or mission delays resulting from explosive bathroom emergencies.

GENERAL DISCLAIMERS: SmartyPants™ Mk. II is programmed to accept InterPol-sanctioned system updates. Further gadgetry may be installed during frequent updates.

Please remember that "I wonder what happens if..." should never be immediately followed by pressing any button.

I expect you to bring this equipment back in pristine condition, Agent Johnson. 

Yes, that means you have to wash them (at the very least, before you return them...). SmartyPants™ Mk. II are machine-wash (or spray, scrub n' rinse with a Squirtle's Water Gun) safe.

[cocainebewear]

Excerpt #1

The warped space twisted around the girl, the tunnels of shifting colors bleeding into an oppressive lack of light. The darkness wasn't empty; it pulsed and churned with a malevolent energy. Fear and familiarity warred within her chest as her heart pounded against her ribcage like it wanted to escape the nightmare.

Clutching the tiny, ice-blue Vulpix close to her body, [REDACTED] moved cautiously through the void. Her wide eyes darted at shadows that flickered just out of reach. The oppressive stillness was broken only by the soft whimper of her Pokémon and the sound of her own shaky breathing. The darkness felt alive, almost as if it recognized her.

Suddenly, with a blink, the oppressive void shifted into an otherworldly jungle. The ground beneath her was a web of enormous roots, snaking in every direction. The tree they belonged to loomed far above, its base lost in the dizzying heights of the canopy. The roots defied gravity, twisting and looping across the space in impossible patterns. Strange, spindle-thin trees sprouted from the roots, stretching upward like skeletal fingers clawing at the sky.

[REDACTED] wove her way through the dense forest of spindly trees, her small frame barely squeezing between the warped trunks. The roots shifted beneath her feet, creaking and groaning as though the ancient tree was aware of her presence. Some of the roots jerked suddenly, snapping forward like giant, gnarled tendrils, reaching out to grab her with horrifying autonomy.

The vines around her writhed and coiled, forming an inescapable net. A droning, bone-rattling buzz erupted from somewhere deep within the jungle. It grew louder, more relentless, pounding in her ears.

Then she saw it. The buzzing creature emerged from the shadows, its grotesque form illuminated in flickering, dim light. Its body was massive and swollen, every muscle bulging unnaturally as if it had outgrown its skin. Veins pulsed beneath its reddish-orange, slime-coated hide, which glistened with a thick, viscous fluid. Its arms were grotesque, jointed in impossible ways, its movement was with unnatural precision. The head was flat and disc-like, its two beadlike eyes devoid of emotion. Where a mouth should have been, a long, silver proboscis gleamed.

[REDACTED] screamed, clutching her Vulpix tighter as her legs buckled. The vines seized the opportunity, wrapping around her arms and pinning her in place. The creature buzzed louder as it approached, its grotesque limbs moving eagerly. Frost began to gather at the tip of Vulpix's nose, the little Pokémon trembling as it gathered its icy energy.

The creature struck just as Vulpix released a blast of cold energy. The ice slammed into its oozing body with a loud crack, shards scattering like glass. [REDACTED] shrieked louder as the vines constricted her further. The world closed in, and the buzzing grew deafening.

Suddenly, everything went silent.

[cocainebewear]

CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION

SUBJECT: FALLERS

REPORTED LOGGED BY: [REDACTED] - updated by CODENAME: LOOKER

Definition

A Faller is any human confirmed to have traversed an Ultra Wormhole and survived.

Common Traits

Detectable residual Z-Power throughout the body after exposure.

Frequently reported memory inconsistencies.

Increased probability of encounters with Ultra Beasts.

Recurrent appearance at active Ultra Wormhole events.

Subject often reports the sensation of being watched.

Ultra Beast Response

Ultra Beasts consistently detect and pursue Fallers in preference to all other lifeforms.

Current theory is that residual Z-Power is mistaken for the presence of an active Ultra Wormhole.

We believe the Ultra Beasts pursue because they are trying to go home.

Operational Guidance

If a Faller is identified:

Do not allow them to travel alone.

Assume Ultra Beast activity may increase within the surrounding area.

Prepare evacuation procedures before engagement.

Understand that the Faller's safety is NOT mission priority. They are the lure.

The Anomaly [UPDATE]

Subject: [REDACTED]

This Faller exhibits the additional ability to open wormholes at will

How? Why?

Possibly syncs innate power with that of an Ultra Beast for amplification

How? Why?

Currently on the run

Currently Known Fallers

There have been 10 identified and logged Fallers in InterPol's database within the last ten years.

Only three are currently active. The remainder are confirmed deceased.

[cocainebewear]

INTERNATIONAL POLICE CASE FILE #A-101

DUFFLE BAG RECOVERED FROM CRASH SITE ON MELEMELE ISLAND - ROUTE 2

REPORTED LOGGED BY: AGENT JOHNSON

STATUS: IN TRANSPORT WITH AGENT JOHNSON

RECOVERED ASSETS:

12x shrink-wrapped bricks of unknown white powder labeled "COCAINE"

1 currently opened

Made me feel AWESOME for about five minutes - like I was qualified to do backflips

I cannot do backflips

Also felt like I could put Tapu Koko in a headlock - pure power

Not very yummy 

One black "iPod" music player

Manufacturer: "Apple"

Origin: "Designed in California" and "Made in China" (???)

The music on this thing SLAPS

Unsure who "The Mack" is but I'm welcoming his return with open arms

Purple wired earbuds

Soft gummy bits go in your ears 

Surprisingly comfy

Green bobblehead figure

Unknown character, contains a speaker that says multiple phrases

"The greatest teacher, failure is."

Grammar is horrific but I think that's part of his deal - same, little dude

"Made in China" again (???!!!???!!!) they seem to manufacture EVERYTHING, don't they?

ADDITIONAL NOTES:

Cargo does not seem to originate from any known region of our world

Wreckage shows immense devastation... registration and serial number of the aircraft do not have a match to any logged systems

No pilot or crew recovered

[cocainebewear]

Character intro: Dylan Johnson

Dylan Johnson is an InterPol agent with a talent for turning bad ideas into successful missions. Known for his reckless improvisation, misplaced confidence, lethal flatulence, and perpetual salaciousness, Dylan charges into danger without a plan and somehow lives to regret it. A Spiritomb's curse saddled him with terrible luck, but also made him unnaturally durable, allowing him to survive the constant beatings that seem to follow him everywhere.

The Alola region unsettles him because its people ask for faith before answers. Dylan hates people begging for help that never comes, hates gods who intervene selectively, and hates being told that suffering is part of a larger, unknowable plan. Unfortunately for him, Dylan was "chosen" by one of said gods - Tapu Koko - whilst on assignment in Alola. This means he is subjected to routine, unsolicited divine electrocution: he gets zapped for backtalk, curiosity, or sometimes no discernible reason at all.

Dylan hides his insecurities behind jokes, swagger, and reckless bravado. Beneath the wisecracks, however, is someone who genuinely wants to help people. Humor is his armor, swagger is his weapon, and every time he stands back up, it's because someone else would get crushed if he didn't.

[cocainebewear]

SUN. SURF. COCAINE. CARNAGE.

COMING SOON.​

A mixed media collaboration project by @thenuzlockeduo & @zephyr-azure.

A Nuzlocke comedy-horror adventure story of Pokémon Ultra Sun that also happens to be a homage/love letter to the 2023 epic that was snubbed at The Oscars, Cocaine Bear.

The crossover nobody asked for.