oh my god. @cocksuki2 - Tumblr Blog

my name’s cal. i’m 22. she/her pronouns.

this blog is just a space for me to hang out, shout into the void, analyze, and talk about my favorite media. lots and lots of book, manga, movie, and anime reviews and stuff. please feel free to come to talk about all that stuff with me <3 i’d love to hear about it.

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#navi #do not reblog #this is basically just a blog for talking about stuff #personal things and like analyzing series and stuff #basically anything that doesn't fall into writing

i gotta start posting real shit on this blog and get back to analyzing bc it's basically just been a personal and vent blog and i dont like that shit because im annoying

its feeling like an all my friends hate me and im a burden and i spoke too much about what's going on in my life and now no one likes me kind of night.

#yeah #and im angry for no reason #and i feel like this is part of grieving but im so angry about everything #and at everyone #for no particular reason other than that im angry #cal.vent #cal.personal

this week i have been sitting a lot with accepting what happened last year and the fact that he's no longer out in the world somewhere and that we will never get to see him succeed. it's very strange and every time i remember it, im hit with this shock that like... never goes away? and it's sad but its also hard to wrap my head around even a year later.

#it's very hard to believe that it's been an entire year #it feels like yesterday and that it never happened at the same time #like he could still be out there somewhere #at school or at work or at the pool #and then i remember that he's just... not?#it's very strange im struggling a lot with it #like what do you do with all of this #nothing to do i guess #but that sucks too #tw: suicide #tw: grief #cal.vent #vent

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it’s been a year since you left and its still so strange to me that you’re not out in the world somewhere. we hadn’t spoken in years, but i cant accept it. i hope things are easier for you. i hope that wherever you are, there’s a little more beauty than you could find here. i hope you’re resting. i hope that you’ve found peace. we miss you and the world is different without you in it.

#cal.vent #cal.personal #sorry I’m just processing #been fighting the thought all day #tw: death #tw: suicide #it’s weird to me to have to trigger for that with this post #esp bc it’s so personal #but i don’t want to accidentally trigger anyone #anyway #i wish he were still here #even just in the world #even if we didn’t talk anymore #he was such a role model to me and it’s weird that I’ll never get to see him be successful

ope you know what. i think it's probably just bc im about to start my period. LOL

i hate it when i get bored and like.. don't wanna do my hobbies bc it makes me get weird abt everything else in my life. like i start to be like "oh my god everyone is mad at me" or like worry that im annoying or something when i know im probably just bored or tired or both. but it's too early to go to bed rn so i just have to be awake for another half hour. like what am i supposed to do????

#like i just convinced myself that my mom was mad at me for some reason #even though i know she's prob not #but what if she isssss

music nerds and snobs make me want to strangle people at times. sorry I’m a hater. hater till I die. there’s just something so pretentious abt many genres of music nerds.

#like what do you mean it’s the “best track of the year” said in a completely objective tone??

when i tell you... it was so short but so so bad that i literally frowned

#and from someone i DIDN'T EXPECT to tHINK THAT #it's crazy

just saw a take so shit that i was prompted to unfollow

#posting this all the way over here to avoid being cunty to 15k people #it was awful tho #just a bad take... bad opinion #everyone is entitled to their own but i couldn't handle it sorry

osamu dazai and yukio mishima both wrote frequently about double suicide, usually between lovers and usually under the guise of going crazy and being okay with it. reading both of their works makes me really really curious about whether or not it was just them and mishima was just inspired by dazai, or if this was a greater pattern within japanese literature and culture in the years immediately after World War II…

like considering the HUGE cultural shift that happened after japan lost the war (because the country had lied to its citizens saying they were going to win until the day of the surrender).. I’m wondering if, upon losing that sense of nationalism from an imperialistic government, this idea of meaninglessness and double suicide with someone who feels the same was a general pattern in literature at the time.

like…. they both ponder the idea of double suicide with someone their character loves who is like minded VERY often (mishima in almost every book he’s written, and dazai famously in no longer human). they talk often about this perverse, strangely sexual, need to die together and based entirely in a like-minded idea of meaninglessness and misery..

#idk really what this thought process is….#and why I’m so interested in it #but it is really interesting to read genres of work from similar time periods #and find the common themes #and it’s even more interesting to me that these two authors discuss such a SPECIFIC phenomenon #within such a close together time frame #and I’m wondering if it’s just inspiration or something that goes beyond that #I wish there was a class on this #tw: suicide mentions #tw: double suicide #yukio Mishima #osamu dazai #book.no longer human #book.life for sale #cal.gen

MIEKO KAWAKAMI CAME OUT W A NEW BOOK IM GONNA SCREAM SOOOO FUCKI G LOUD

#it’s not coming out in English until 2025 but I’m already so excited #I’m bouncing off the walls

my day improved

#still hard but a little easier now

I’m good y’all dw

#the day moves onward ✌🏼

I don’t want anyone to know I’m feeling this but I also need someone to look at me. I don’t want anyone to know but I don’t want to be alone. I’m so fucking tired of being alone.

#it’s a miracle I got out of bed today #it’s a miracle I was productive #cal.personal #vent

horrible feeling to realize that you’re telling yourself that u just need to survive until a certain point bc u believe things will magically get better

#just keep living until june 👍🏼#and then the onward trudge continues but in a different font 👍🏼#cal.personal #vent

I can’t ask for help (i am embarrassed) but I really wish someone would notice that things are getting really bad again (I literally do not tell anyone anything about my real feelings, nor have I ever tried)

#vent #cal.personal

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