COCORISSA

[coco-rissa]

Edibles & The Gym

[coco-rissa]

Undesirable: A Tale of Self-Sabotage

I’m not sure where it all fell apart, or rather, where it all began. I’ve struggled with self-image issues my whole life. Looking back, I wish I had learned how to love myself. But also looking back, it was almost the “in” thing to not like your body, or yourself. I never recall women talking in a positive way about themselves around me. I never recall them talking about other women in a positive way either, though. 

I’ve gone through many phases of working out, eating healthy, feeling good, and then quitting for various reasons. Only to start up again later down the road. Quite possibly when I needed a distraction from some other problem in my life. In one relationship I had, I received very little support in my pursuit of self-love and was made to feel selfish for going to the gym instead of sitting on the couch eating pizza every night with them. In another relationship, I was in the best shape of my life, very supported in my pursuit of building my dream body in the gym, but shamed for some of my eating choices when I wasn’t with them. It got to the point where I was hiding food in order not to feel like I had failed myself and them. 

Although the latter relationship provided me the support I needed in the gym, the dynamic of that relationship was incredibly toxic and ended up being one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. I had a great body, but I hated myself. I desperately needed to be accepted and loved by this other person, that I completely lost myself in the process. 

When this relationship ended, it crushed me. I had no sense of self. I hated who I had become. During that same week I had lost this relationship, the world shut down due to COVID.  I was alone, depressed, anxious, and had no idea who I was. My coping skills were one of three things on a daily rotation; sleeping all day, eating a piece of cake from Lunds and Byerly’s, or eating a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. Sometimes I tag-teamed the cake and the ice cream all in one sitting. I was gaining weight rapidly, but mentally I felt like I was on top of the world. 

Avoiding how absolutely wrecked I was became my full-time job. I thought I was doing great! I had mastered wearing several different masks during the day, fooling everyone, including myself. When the summer of that year came around, we were allowed to start taking short walks outside as long as we were distanced from others and wearing a mask. This provided a temporary sigh of relief for me. I was finally getting some movement in, but still demolishing cake and ice cream almost daily like it was about to disappear for the rest of my life. 

By this point, I had avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I avoided looking at how much my body had changed in a few short months due to completely abandoning myself in order to feel even a little okay. I was forced to face the reality when I went on a walk with my parents. My mom is a photo-taker. She will take every and any opportunity to snap a picture. 

This photo of me was shared on Facebook and it was the first real time I had seen my body. Granted, it definitely hadn’t gotten to the worse of it at this point, but it was the largest body I had ever had. It was really painful to see this change, but I still couldn’t stop eating cake, ice cream, chips with dip, nothing with any real nutritional value. I continued like this for a while, feeling comfortable in what I was doing. Covering up my problems with food, avoiding every negative emotion I experienced, and neglecting my most basic needs as a human being. 

Flash forward and it’s my 30th birthday. The world is opening back up slowly at this point, so I decided to take a trip with some friends. This is the time that I really, truly, painfully was faced with the reality of what I had been doing to myself over the course of the past year. 

The changes to my body were staring boldly at me and I couldn’t believe how out of control things had gotten. This was the biggest my body had ever been. The most space I had ever taken up. I was still so unhappy with myself, but I started taking small steps to make changes. I joined a gym and started working out with a coworker. I was feeling great! Nothing could stop me now! The nutrition piece was still not clicking for me. Two years have passed since this photo was taken. I am still single and I have been maintaining this body through half-assed attempts at working out and changing my eating habits. I still feel perpetually stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage and neglect.

If you have stuck with me up to this point, first of all, what’s wrong with you? (Just kidding...) Second of all, thank you, and I hope you have found even a tiny piece of my story that you can relate to, or empathize with at the very least. 

I was on my way home from work today and had a deep conversation with myself both in my head and out loud. I asked myself, why can’t you get out of this cycle? I started to dig up my usual excuses; “I went through trauma and my body became my security blanket,” “my medication made me gain all of this weight and won’t allow me to lose any of it,” “I feel comfortable here, why should I change?” And then I got to the deepest answer I’ve managed to dig up while processing this topic. 

“I’m afraid.” 

So I dug a little deeper. What specifically am I afraid of? I was able to uncover two answers to this question.

“I’m afraid that if I lose weight, people will treat me differently. People will value, respect, and love me more in a smaller body.”

“I’m afraid to be in a relationship with somebody new.”

What does a relationship have to do with any of this? At first it didn’t quite register. I’m overweight because I’m afraid of a relationship? That can’t be right. That makes no sense, Corissa! Okay, okay, but just hear me out. Right now, in this larger body, I have put myself in a box. This box has been labelled with big, bold letters, “Undesirable.” 

I have been on casual dates, had intimate encounters, but none of it was ever serious, so I felt I could keep going with what I was doing. No harm, no foul. None of these men want a relationship with me because I am fat and undesirable, and as long as I stay fat and undesirable, I can’t get hurt! 

That was a painful realization for me. I have been blocking my blessings. AGGRESSIVELY blocking them. I have created a mountain between me and anything that can possibly hurt me in the same ways I’ve been hurt in the past. And there is comfort in that. There is a feeling of predictability and certainty that comes with this block. But consequently, there is so much pain in that as well. I have been creating a mountain, not only between me and any form of love I could receive from another, but also between me and the person I desire to be because of my fears of getting hurt. 

I don’t want to be this person anymore. A person that blocks every opportunity for love and happiness. A person that blocks the things she truly deserves from life. This is not how I want to spend my time here on this planet. There is so much more waiting for me beyond this mountain, I’m certain of that. 

This page will now serve as my personal diary during this journey. I hope to find support along the way. I hope to be that same support to someone else who may be on a similar path. My ultimate goal here, besides losing weight and reconnecting with my body in a healthy way, is to shift my mindset around what I think I deserve. I will inevitably be doing a lot of trial and error to find what works best for me and my life. But this is the start of creating the space I need to fall in love with myself, and demolish these road blocks I’ve used to keep myself safe and surviving the past two years. I no longer want to just survive. I want to live, and I want to live every single moment of my life with intention and gratitude for where I’ve been, and where I still have yet to go. 

[monopole]

[gardenofgod]

Lop-Eared Rabbit Among Wood Anemones.

[quiet-nymph]

[coco-rissa]

Plant baby.

[love-personal]

[qvotext]

[qvotext]

And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you.

Kiersten White; The Chaos of Stars (via qvotext)

[surfareis]

[mostlycatsmostly]

Tranquility (via Valizzl)

[callistomist-deactivated2020091]

I decided to create a masterpost that would help you with what you are struggling with. Hopefully any of the links below will help you! Reminder; You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass, just remember to breathe. 

————————————————————————————-

Distractions;

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts. 

-Draw something

-This website translates the time into colours.

-Create your own galaxy.

-Play flowing.

-Make a 3D line travel where ever you like. 

-Listen to music.

-Calm.

-Ocean mood, do nothing for two minutes.

Sleep issues; 

- 8 hour sleep music.

-Rainy mood. 

-Meditation.

-Coping with nightmares.

-How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

-Calm

-Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positive and negatively. 

 Uncomfortable with silence; 

-Rainy mood.

-10 hours of rain and thunder.

-3 hours of rain and thunder.

-Human heartbeat.

-Rainforest.

-Sound of rain on a tin roof.

-Autumn wind.

-Rain on a tent

-Traffic in the rain.

-Soft traffic. 

-Fan.

-Train.

-Simply noise.

-My noise.

-Rainy cafe.

Anxiety; 

-How to stop worrying. 

-Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

-The 10 best ever anxiety management techniques. 

-Self-help strategies for anxiety. 

-Helping a friend with anxiety. 

-All about worrying.

-8 myths about anxiety. 

Sad, angry and depressed/depression; 

-“I’m always sad”

-Feeling sad.

-Going through trauma.

-“I’m always angry”.

-Anger management. 

-All about anger.

-National helplines and websites.

-Self-help strategies for depression.

-Dealing with depression at work.

-Dealing with depression at school.

Isolation and loneliness; 

-Pets and mental health.

-All about loneliness. 

-“I feel so alone”

-10 more ideas to help with loneliness. 

-How to deal with loneliness.

 Self-harm;

-Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

-146 things to do besides self-harm.

-More alternatives to self-harm.

-Self-harm alternatives.

-How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

-Getting rid of scars.  

Addiction; 

-How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

-What is addiction?

-All about alcohol and addiction.

-The facts about drug addiction.

 Eating disorders; 

-Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

-Eating disorder treatments. 

-Support services for eating disorders. 

-Self-help tips with eating disorders.

-Eating disorder recovery. 

-Recovering from an eating disorder. 

-100+ reasons to recover. 

-Understanding and managing eating disorders. 

 Dealing with self-hatred;  

-3 ways to ease self-loathing. 

-How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

-Self-hatred resources.

-10 step plan to deal with self-hate. 

 Suicidal; 

-International suicide hotlines (1)  (2)

-Preventing suicide. 

-Reasons to stay alive.

-Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

-Coping with suicidal ideation.  

 Schizophrenia;

-All about schizophrenia.  

-Helping a person with schizophrenia.  

-Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.  

-Delusions and hallucinations.  

OCD;

-Managing your OCD at home. 

-Overcoming OCD.

-How to cope with OCD. 

-Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments. 

Borderline personality disorder; 

-Helping someone with BPD. 

-All about personality disorders.

-Treatment for BPD.

Abuse; 

-Healthy relationships VS abusive relationships. 

-Emotional abuse

-Overcoming sexual abuse. 

-Hotlines services. 

-5 ways to escape an abusive relationship. 

-Domestic violence support. 

-Signs of an abusive relationship. 

-What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship. 

-Surviving abuse. 

-What you can do if you’re sexual harassed. 

-Sexual assault support.

-What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused. 

 Bullying;

-How to stand up against bullying.

-How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber bullying.

-How to help stop people bullying you. 

 Loss and grief; 

-How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

-Grieving for a stranger. 

-Common reactions to death. 

-Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

-Moving away from friends and family. 

-Coping with a breakup.

 Getting help; 

-Seeking help early. 

-All about psychological treatments. 

-Types of help.

-All about age and confidentiality. 

Things you need to remember; 

- Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

-Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not. 

- This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this. 

-You are not alone. 

-You are enough. 

-You are important. 

-You are worth it. 

-You are strong. 

-You are not a failure, 

-Good people exist. 

-Reaching out shows strength. 

-Breathe. 

-Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you. 

-Give yourself credit. 

-Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good or bad ones. 

-Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend. 

-Focus on the things you can change. 

-Let go of toxic people. 

-You don’t need to hide, you’re allowed to feel the way you do. 

-Try not to beat yourself up. 

-Something is always happening, you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next. 

-You are not a bother.

-Your existence is more than your appearance. 

-You are smart. 

-You are loved. 

-You are wanted. 

-You are needed. 

-Better days are coming. 

-Just because your past is dark, doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright. 

-You have more potential than you think. 

- Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling butterflies x

[futureskinnywritrix]

I was just gonna reblog this because the distractions are super fun but… Damn the rest of it is so so so important

[nicndietcoke]

reblog inv cause everyone needs this

[qvotext]

“It has made me better, loving you.”

— Henry James; The Portrait of a Lady

[coco-rissa]

Desperately trying to feel like myself again.

[extramadness]

[pugking-deactivated20130901]

[aznaudrey]