Thank God for Famine and Death
A friend and I have developed a highly complex metaphor for some of our favorite professors:
The head of engineering and physics, a horribly sadistic man with no sense of mercy, is clearly the rider of the pale horse. Unfortunately, I am the pale horse. He does not use a saddle. He does use a literal jackhammer. He’s basically one of my favorite people ever.
The head of computer science, a gloriously lazy, beer-drinking, E3-attending monster god is famine. Like the rider of the black horse, he is utterly impartial; you are either good enough, or quantitatively unworthy. We spend way too much time around this guy, but mad respect.
There is a wonderful man who recently joined the computer science department. Back in the day he worked for Sega (on the good Sonic games, I’m told.) Before that he was an officer in the Air Force. He is the rider of the red horse, laying waste to the hopes and dreams of lazy hopefuls as if without effort. His is the razor edged sword of finely honed wit. He also supposedly hangs out with mostly black dudes, and his toddler’s middle name is Von Hendrick. He is literally John Dabes.
Last, but certainly the opposite of least, is the rider of the white horse. He’s the recently ascended head of the math department, and holy shit. I really have no idea how he does it, but he is possibly the best teacher in history. Linear algebra at 8AM should never be fun. He made it fun. Immediately afterwards, we strolled to the computer science room for discrete math with him. It was like living for the first and second comings of Christ. He would make homework helps for us that proved invaluable. The funny part is that he does the vast majority of the problems just because he enjoys them. Calling him conquest is the only ironic one, because he is the exact opposite.
Another physics professor is probably my favorite. He once called me up after I’d turned in a test so we could have a laugh over that xkcd about theoretical vs applied sciences. Sadly, he loves Wars and hates Trek, so gets to be the beast. Seriously though? I find his level of nerdery highly suspicious. Only the literal spawn of Satan could be so awesome.
This brings me to my new vector calculus professor. He’s the antithesis of his department head. He’s arrogant, he’s repetitive, he’s incoherent, and he’s boring. He also thinks that color is commonly replicated using red, black, and blue. He is the serpent. He is not fork-tongued; his tenuous grasp of American lexicon precludes that. He is, however, misleading, vile, and venomous. This isn’t my opinion, this is just my explanation of what every single student of his says (I would tell you to check RateMyProfessor, but then you might guess where I live and anonymity or something like that.)
Other than that, my classes include advanced data structures with Famine, and static mechanics with Death. So, thank you, God, for Famine and Death.
PS: This blog might take over duties from my defunct personal blog, While False Return True. You guys might also want to check out one of my other blogs, which used to be for my technical interests. Nowadays it’s just Math Professor Quotes reblogs, since I just moved everything that isn’t programming to my main blog.