josie's gotten good at detecting nate's tension. from across the room, from across the bed — she can feel it. now, standing before a witch with ben's sweater in her hands, it's rolling off of him in waves. she's nervous, too. they've worked so hard to get here and for some godforsaken reason, it's not working. when they hear that it's because ben's weak, josie wants to slack to the floor. but weak isn't dead. that's an important thing to remember.
the witch's eyes finally crack open and she stares down at the sweater in her hands before handing it back to nate. he snatches it back almost possessively.
"does he have any family?"
josie appreciates the caring note in her voice, like she's doing this out of the goodness of her heart, not for the ten thousand dollars in her pocket.
"—no." nate's answer is short and biting, and josie wants to reach out and touch his arm. she doesn't.
"then i need something meaningful. not just something he owned or wore. i can feel his energy, but it's weak. it's gonna take something more entwined with who he is than a sweater."
josie looks over at nate, her eyebrows raised subtly. he looks back at her like he doesn't understand, until she sees his features shift in understanding. before he has a chance to argue, she grabs his arm and nudges him toward the candle-adorned table in front of them.
"him," she explains simply. she can't think of a thing more entwined with who ben is than the man she's holding on to right now. "they've been best friends for a hundred years. they have this whole silent understanding thing. trust me, he's the closest thing to family."
she can feel nate wanting to argue with her, but he doesn't argue when the witch pulls out a blade and cuts into his palm, crimson blood pooling on the atlas under his hand. when she begins chanting the spell, the tension in josie's chest could suffocate her. but unlike the stutter-stop in the spell that his sweater yielded, the droplets of blood start moving. the room feels hot and a line of nate's blood is traveling all the way from kansas to missouri to kentucky to virginia. it gets 3/4 across before coming to a halt, and the witch stops chanting. "there — he's there." josie's eyes are wide as she stares at the cities surrounding that little drop of blood, feeling lighter than she's felt in a month. all of this has paid off. he's alive and he's right there.
the witch sounds winded, but in an envigorated way. josie hears her words distantly as she turns to nate, watching the relief wash over his features. "wow. i barely had anything, and then... it's like his energy was calling out to you. that's not something you see every day."
she sees the look on his face, ben's sweater clutched like a vice in his hand, and it, paired with the witch's words, reminds her of the last conversation she had with ben. she wants to cry and laugh and hug nate all at once. she can’t help but indulge in the last one, and her arms are around him tightly before she can stop herself. she pulls back, smile wide and emotional, and says the only words that are on her mind:
"here," ben says, handing her the joint and a lighter, taking a seat next to her on his roof.
"sorry," she says shakily, struggling to light it against the wind before taking a drag. "she just reminded me of someone."
"the redhead?" he asks, his tone easy and unintrusive as they stare out at the seattle skyline.
"yeah. i don't know what my problem is."
"missing someone?" he asks, taking the joint as she passes it back to him, his voice as soothing and even as always. "that's not a problem."
she shoots him a look, and he laughs a little, conceding. "not a problem with you. not a flaw. it just means you cared."
they have this talk all the time. she sighs, her breathing more even after talking to him and getting some fresh air. she thinks this roof is probably her happy place, if she had to pick one. and she knows it's because of conversations like this, because of him. not just his real estate.
"i haven't cared like that in a long time. ever again, really. not like that." she takes the joint back, inhaling a little harder than last time in hopes to forget about this feeling in her chest. "i haven't really been tempted to multiply the number of people i freak out over in your bar. "
"come on," ben says, turning to face her. there's a slight smile on his face, but his eyebrows are knitted like he's worried about her. "caring about people isn't just the bad parts. you're remembering the endings, because that's the recent part. but what about the middle? didn't it feel nice, give you a purpose?"
she raises her eyebrows a little bit at the impact of his words. weed pairs nicely with ben. it makes her more receptive to listen to him, to understand his point of view. and more often than not, he's right, which helps. it also makes him more likely to say everything that's on his mind. "yeah. it was nice," she admits reluctantly. she thinks of alice sprawled out next to her on a picnic blanket with her favorite book, or james' teeth in someone's neck while she watched him in complete, carefree awe. she thinks of this moment, right now, the way ben dropped everything to come see if she was okay despite the crowd of people downstairs, causing the building to thrum underneath them. "for a while."
"it's okay to have people, josie. it doesn't make you weak, even if you end up missing them." why is he — someone she danced on a bar with less than 24 hours ago — the only one who can ever see through the fun, wild exterior to her glaring loneliness? "i can tell you want to. and you're just too... i'm sorry, you're just too full of life and love to not share it with anyone. sorry for the truth bomb."
she takes in the (now slightly blurry) night skyline sprawled out in front of them and she knows he's right. but it's all so much easier said than done. she's not an open book to everyone she stumbles across, like he is. the best she can do is the fake, dancing with strangers version. not conversations like this. "do you have any suggestions in that black book of yours on who can handle a mess of epic proportions like me?" her tone is joking, but they both know she’s serious.
he wraps his arm around her, and she closes her eyes at the contact, leaning her head against his shoulder. he's the only person who doesn't make her want to run in the other direction when they psychoanalyze her. his laugh vibrates through her and it makes her smile. "you're not a mess. and you don't need suggestions from me. you just have to let it happen and trust me... you'd be surprised who wanders into your life." she thinks she knows who he's talking about even without names.
they've been drinking and this is probably one of those things that they'll both forget come tomorrow. but for now, it gives josie a deep sense of hope. if anyone had any authority on the subject, it would be ben. "okay, i get it. i want that purpose... people to fight for and live for. but if i had to create this spiritual tribe of vampire loved ones you're imagining, you'd be the only one in it so far."
he squeezes her shoulder and the genuine, effortless sound of his laugh in that moment is something she'll hold onto for THREE YEARS until she hears it in person again.
"that's fine. i like to be early, anyway."
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