Why do you care who I f#ck if I’m not f#cking you?
Seriously, who the f#ck cares who the f#ck anyone else actually f#cks?
I’m getting a little tired of the hype and hysteria around gay marriage, straight conversions, transgender athletes, bisexual actresses, cross-dressing judges, and SnapChatting senators.
I don’t even understand why anyone cares.
Perhaps I’m just naive and have no understanding of the sociopolitical, religious, or ideological ignorance that leads to this type of fervored rhetoric around sexual preference and partnership privilege. Perhaps I grew up as part of a particularly progressive part of the population, in a particularly progressive part of the country, in a particularly progressive household. Perhaps spending 40 years outside the nation of my birth in the nation of my identity has made me more sensitive to discriminatory practice, frightened of faith-driven fiction, and amused at societal stupidity.
Or perhaps I’m just f#cking old and f#cking cranky.
But ok, you’re upset, so let’s talk about it.
Talking is critical to this thing of ours. The only way anyone achieves anything worthwhile, evolves anything with import, or innovates anything of any value is through talking about creativity, imagination, education, awareness, and open-mindedness.
Think about that: with the exception of natural resources, colours, shapes, and sounds, anything of any value to us and to society as a whole isn’t stagnant. It changes with every passing millisecond, shaping and shifting to fit the needs of an era. Stagnation? Stagnation is death.
An old mentor of mine (meaning he’s been a mentor for some time, not that he’s old…well, actually he’s both) was fond of channeling Ackoff’s Fables in talking about business strategy as one would a frog in a bucket. For those unfamiliar with the parable, it basically says that since frogs are amphibian creatures, they adapt seamlessly to their climate but don’t have a protective physiological or neural reasoning filter. Place a frog in the bottom of a metal bucket, fill it with water, and place the whole contraption over a steadily burning fire. As the water heats, the frog adapts, its body taking on the temperature of the surrounding liquid, inching upwards and upwards until, it its stagnation, it becomes rapidly, well, dead. By contrast, the average rat: savvy enough to start swimming to adapt to its new liquid environment, and smart enough to scrabble like hell to get out when it starts boiling.
[Editor’s Note: Absolutely No Live Animals Were Harmed in the Production of this Blog].
Stagnation in humans comes from lack of intelligence, general ignorance, and sometimes from just plain complacency.
Complacency sucks, folks. And satisfaction with complacency breeds mediocrity. So then, better-than-mediocre reader, riddle me this: would you rather change outmoded belief systems that don’t adapt to the times, or boil to death in your horse-and-carriage-, technology-free- , chamber-pot-, dying-from-consumption fantasy island as the world changes around you? Refusing to adapt because of some generic socio-religious rhetoric of “tradition” is what Jeremy Clarkson would term “absolutely mental”.
But I digress - strategic theory will do that to me - so let’s get back to the very non-theoretical, eyes-wide-open, head-out-of-the-sand, relevant-to-the-last-five-years conversation that we definitely need to have.
Let’s get back to the f#cking point and the point about f#cking.
Why does ANYONE care who ANYONE ELSE is screwing? Let’s leave aside situations where your husband/wife/child/parent/friend is sleeping with someone they shouldn’t.
Does it really matter how any of us self-define?
Male, female, masculine, feminine, straight, gay, bisexual, heteroflexible, trysexual, pansexual, metrosexual, lumbersexual (look that one up…I had to), they all mean the same bloody thing. Here it is: we all like sex, but potentially like having different people with whom to HAVE sex. What about the asexuals, you might ask? They’re not screwing anyone, so they’re lucky enough to not need to be a player in this little rant about something that should be painfully clear to anyone with a rational mind that has reached the situationally appropriate age of consent.
As for the rest of you: we’re all the same at the beginning of the day, and we haven’t changed by the end of it.
It doesn’t really matter what your attraction. What matters is that you HAVE an attraction to some other member of our species. It doesn’t matter if that’s a girl or boy or transgender, if that’s one race, colour, creed, or another. You are attracted to someone - love doesn’t even have to be a part of the lexicon to make it powerful, because attraction in and of itself is an incredibly immersive, intensely psychophysiological thing. That makes you the same, in thought, heart, and emotion, as 99.99966% of the people on the planet. And yes, that’s Six Sigma (I think Jeff and Gary would be proud). That means the other 0.00044% aren’t significant enough in number to mean much of anything.
Put simply, Human 1 + Human 2 = Human 1 + Human 2. Human 1 likes Human 2. Human 2 likes Human 1. Human 1 and Human 2 have sex.
Now Human 1 and Human 2 decide to live together, share bank accounts, be each other’s healthcare proxies and inheritors, pool healthcare costs and gym memberships, have and/or raise children, and thus beget the growing rugrats that are Human 3 and/or Human 4, 5….n, where n = 1 to 100.
Sounds a bit like attraction, sex, cohabitation, partnership, marriage, and child-rearing, doesn’t it? So what does it matter whether Human 1 and 2 are male and female, female and female, male and male, or some other combination of the above?
I feel almost like I’m talking to a developmentally stunted 3 year old when I say this, but (and please imagine my sigh of frustration here) let me explain yet again; we are all HUMAN.
The rest doesn’t matter worth a damn. For you to think yourself somehow better or more moral or more natural or more evolved than anyone else, strictly on the basis of their ethnic background, perceptual race, religious doctrine, spiritual affiliation, gender identity, or sexual preference is sheer arrogance. Remember that whole “all men are created equal” bit, or that “thou shalt love thy brother as thyself” piece? Neither of those say “love your fellow man, except if he’s brown, bipartisan, and bisexual”.
Marriage is a social construct, not a natural or genetically-predetermined and defined one.
It’s about sharing property, children, and living space. Love doesn’t factor into the definition in the least - there are plenty of loveless heterosexual marriages, plenty of sight-unseen arranged marriages, and plenty of unmarried soulmates. If it’s the moral fibre and example to the oft-cited “our children”, then I’m guessing homosexuality is less of a problem than the levels of alcoholism, spousal abuse, smoking, IV drug use, pornography, premarital sex, infidelity, and/or racial/ethnic/gender bias that exists in the average American household (gay, straight, or otherwise defined). So why are we so worked up about “gay marriage”, which really should be differently monikered?
How about just calling it “marriage”, which in common parlance, actually means “domestic-sexual-financial partnership”?
Despite my innate belief in the humanity of, well, humanity, I hear a lot of belief-shattering vitriol from people across the sexual preference spectrum.
Some of my carefully curated examples (if I included them all, I’d have a multi-volume book), in no particular order than what the two glasses of scotch brought to mind:
“Straight men have no fashion sense.”
Really? Have you ever been to New York or Los Angeles or London or Hong Kong? If so, your gaydar must be off, because there are exquisitely dressed, “straight” boys and girls in each and every one of those cities. I quite fancy myself to be one of them, really.
“I don’t want some fag/queer/gay/homo/lezzie/pervert fondling my kid.”
So would it be somehow better if the pervert fondling your kid was straight? Or are you going to call Social Services either way? I promise you, a kid that gets raped doesn’t really draw a distinction as to who does the raping
“I don’t want that [gay] guy hitting on me - I’d be totally grossed out.”
So now you know how most women probably feel about getting hit on by you. Congratulations, you’re so conceited that you think just being a mouthbreathing male makes you attractive to gay men, and that every woman thinks you’re a minor god. Statistical evidence would say that you’re wrong on both counts. A mirror may also prove useful in rectifying this error in judgment.
“Anything but heterosexuality is against my religion, as it’s written in the Old Testament/New Testament/Koran/other spiritual book appropriate to my core belief system.”
Fair enough, if you follow everything else your holy book says. By all means, be anti-LGBT. I have ZERO issue with (in my opinion) staunchly religious folks following the way of their own gods, and if you do absolutely every single little thing that your religion traditionally commands, avoid every tiny thing that it traditionally forbids, then fine, don’t accept sexual fluidity.
But be honest, realistic, and forewarned of what you sow. To wit:
If you’re Jewish, I hope that means you don’t touch pork/crustaceans (how anyone could discard bacon is beyond my comprehension), menstruating women (I’m sure your female friends would just LOVE you), or mayonnaise-slathered pastrami (if you don’t understand the significance of this, you’re obviously not from New York), and that you don’t drive your car, check your email, use your phone, use electricity, or bathe in different water than the others in your household (and I’ve personally never known any Jew in any state who follows all these rules).
If you’re Protestant, I hope you’re not having premarital sex (in 2015? Please.), gambling (or investing in the S&P 500, which is the same thing), working on Sundays (there go all the retail, f&b, and home improvement folks among us), or having an affair (snicker).
Catholics, take all the Protestant stuff and add that you’d better not be getting divorced (apparently some 27% of you do), using condoms or birth control (still forbidden, along with having sex without intending to procreate), or marrying a non-Catholic. For all of the above, you’d better always give 10% of your Unadjusted Gross Income to your church every year, never look at pornography or reading the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, and avoid saying “God” or “Jesus” when connected with “Sweet”, “Damn”, “My”, or “Oh my f#cking”.
If you’re Muslim, take as gospel (ha, that was funny and completely unintentional!) everything that the Protestants and Catholics are forbidden, and add to it pork, crustaceans, and menstruating women from your Jewish neighbors, then take away alcohol, tobacco, dogs as pets, and working in a bank or a hospital or any business where men and women are unsegregated (these would be haraam), and make sure (women) to cover your face at all times.
If you’re Buddhist, make sure you don’t kill any living thing (and yes, I mean even that mosquito sucking on your arm), never get violent (attacking civilians and burning their mosques really doesn’t fit with the teachings of the Buddha), and don’t kill other actual humans.
I could go on and on, for Hindus, Zorastrians, Scientologists, Mormons, ad infinitum.
At this point, many would say, “That’s ridiculous. Some of those things are just anachronistic and archaic in the modern world. You can’t expect us to live in the stone age, can you? We’re allowed to adapt our belief system for modern times!” Awesome. That means gender and sexual equality in modern times aren’t too far a stretch for your obviously overworked brain.
Either that, or you’re the worst type of narcissistic hypocrite that shouldn’t be trusted with someone’s plant, let alone their marriage license.
“Same-sex physical relations are unnatural and forbidden by the God who made us.”
Well, dolphins and penguins and lizards and rabbits all do it, and they’re pretty much the definition of “natural”. Shall we smite them all, depraved reprobates that they are? Or shall we accept them as the naturally-occurring genetically driven examples of biology that they are? How about the societal and biological benefits that such individuals bring to their community in terms of lowering competition, increasing harmony, and strengthening social bonds? I’m not an expert on these things, but the good folks at my favourite school certainly are – see what Yale University scientists have to say on the matter.
“My [insert your own brand of hyper-specific tenets of] morality/intellect/credo says it’s just plain wrong.”
So you’re the fellow who stands on a ladder holding a bulb in a socket, waiting for the whole world to revolve around you, eh?
Let’s not forget that your particular morality/intellect/credo also said that shirt/skirt/shoe you’re wearing is RIGHT, and 9 out of 10 sighted people would disagree with at least one of those.
You must be the twat driving a Prius because of its “low environmental impact” while forgetting its lithium ion batteries will go into landfills where they won’t biodegrade for millenia, or a “zero environmental impact” Tesla because it’s all-electric, despite its source of primary power stemming from oil, gas, or environmentally-damaging wind and hydro plants, and its materials being made from naturally-occurring gas reserves (i.e., any type of plastic).
Might be worth tweaking the prescription on your lens, pal.
“I don’t understand how anyone can be attracted to both sexes. They must really be gay, not bi.”
I left this one for last, as this statement, more than any of the others, astounds me in its sheer ignorance.
The scary thing is, I’ve heard this from both straight-identifying and gay-identifying acquaintances (my actual friends far too worldly, cultured, and educated to spout such drivel).
When was the last time you checked someone’s messy bits before deciding if you found them sexually attractive? I’ve seen male and female transvestites that are as high on the traditional female or male hotness ladder as the most popular of today’s “straight” models. Proof? Check out this person Human 1 and these people Human 2 and Human 3
If you find any of those people sexually attractive, then surprise! By your own definition, you must be bisexual!
Let’s be honest. Every single person is, on some physical/mental/emotional level, sexually attracted to some people of their own sex and to some people of the opposite sex.
You may prefer to f#ck one or the other or both, but by the ludicrously narrow, traditional definition, you’re still bisexual (attracted to both sexes, according to Merriam Webster’s dictionary).
If you ever played doctor with your buddy as a kid, ever drunkenly kissed someone, ever charmed/flirted with someone, or ever went to a liberal arts or big-city LA or NY school, you’ve probably had an “experiment” or two with someone on your same side of the gender divide.
If you can’t with hand-to-Bible honesty tell me that you’ve NEVER given preference to good looking members of the same sex over a not-so-good-looking member of the same group, then you HAVE been attracted to someone who shares your chromosomal pattern. So you actually can understand being attracted to someone of your own gender!
Cry, scream, laugh, revel, shout, or gnash teeth as much as you like, but every one of you fits the definition.
Sexual attraction, after all, is both physical and mental and emotional.
It’s natural – part of the Darwinian selection process, for the scientists among you. You can run that spectrum as friends, lovers, partners, or spouses…but don’t let the categories fool you: you’re still on the damn spectrum. Which basically means that on some level, everyone’s bisexual.
Do with that what you choose.
I’ll leave you with this: a dear friend [who identifies as bisexual] once told me something incredibly moving and unintentionally profound:
“I don’t find women attractive and I don’t find men attractive. I find character, charm, humour, intelligence, sensuality, kindness, and love attractive.
I find PEOPLE attractive…
But it certainly helps if they’re hot.”
End rant. Now go f#ck yourself.
Or someone else. No one f#cking cares.
FAHRHAUS REFUSES TO SELF DEFINE, BECAUSE HEY, YOU’RE GONNA THINK WHAT YOU THINK. AND HE DOESN’T F#CKING CARE, EITHER.
[Photos courtesy of Manhattan Storage, just because they have one of the wittiest ad campaigns on billboards anywhere. Their CMO and Creative Director are obviously brilliant. And possibly bisexual :) ]