Donāt be surprised if I delete this. Iāve already posted things and deleted/edited them away today. Iāve really debated with myself whether this needs to be said.
Wednesday night I attempted suicide.
I try not to talk about it too much, but itās not a secret around here that I am both depressed and disabled. For the most part, you all have been wonderful, either not mentioning it when unnecessary or giving me words of kindness when Iām feeling down. But, as Iām sure anyone who has been in this position knows, one negative voice can outweigh a hundred positive ones in the right circumstances.
Iāve been the target of anon hate for a while now. I would normally ignore it, but I was masochistic enough to let them keep sending it. Wednesday night it came to a head. I posted something about me having a rough day, and this person jumped on it. I didnāt just receive a hate message, it was an essay. Nine messages at a maxed out word count. They basically jumped down my throat for everything Iāve ever done on this blog.Ā
They judged me for my religion and they judged me for my lack of faith. For speaking up about my disability. For speaking about my depression and for writing certain things that explore depression and other mental illnesses. They slammed my gender identity and trashed me for having the nerve to be born white and to be thin.Ā
They waited for me to be at my weakest, and then they tore me down. They succeeded, but I failed. (I blocked them, but sadly you canāt see who they are when itās an anonymous message. Tumblr blocks the IP address, not the blog.)
Now, the reason Iām saying all this is because this person is a part of the fandom. To know all the things they mentioned, they must have been following me. They mentioned Iris West when they were judging me for being white. They mentioned other blogs, blogs I know and love, in these messages. (I wonāt disclose what these blogs were; the anon seemed to approve of them, so I donāt think theyāre in danger, and for the most part the owners are above my suspicion).
So really, I just want to warn you all. There is someone very hateful, and very dedicated, out there. And now that Iāve blocked them, they may turn their attention onto somebody else. If they target you, donāt do what I did. Donāt keep it secret. Donāt let it get to you. One message (or nine) at precisely the wrong moment made me do something I wouldnāt have been able to fix. It was only my apathy, my flatmate, and a lot of luck that saved me. If someone is targeting you, ask for help. Turn to people. I know that there are so many wonderful people here who would have helped me if I had asked.Ā
Donāt make the same mistake I did. Donāt let this person get to you.
