opening night @coldlondonfog - Tumblr Blog

| a/n : this is sort of the result of writer's block!! there won't be a second part though. college!ellie. interactions are appreciated <3

| c/w : swearing, passive depression and anxiety, disordered eating vaguely implied but nothing serious/on purpose?? inappropriate age gap mentioned (not ellie/reader) hinted at internalized homophobia?? it sounds like a doozy but it's sweet, i swear

lessons on how to exist - ellie williams

you mushed your cheeks with your palms, drawing them upwards until they pressed against your eyelids. you didn't think that you could remember what it felt like to not have a headache.

the warm breeze was taunting you, wisping in and out of your room. even the sound of the cars driving by made you feel nostalgic. something about the first warm day of spring felt like a tangible memory from your childhood.

someone outside shrieked and you snapped to attention, glancing outside of your dorm window. the sound was followed by laughter, echoing its way up to the opened screen in your room. oh.

earlier that day, after work, you had passed by some people having a picnic on the green. they were dressed sweetly and laughing a lot, taking pictures together. they looked nice but it made you feel angry, or sad maybe. it wasn't their fault. you just wished that you could go on a picnic too.

you could, of course, but you wouldn't dare. you didn't exactly feel confident enough to plop down on the grass alone, with a basket and book. you wished you did, but you couldn't even walk by someone without thinking twice about your appearance.

more laughter ensued and you wondered what it felt like to be walking under the sunset, talking with people who really cared about what you had to say.

screams and laughter, screams and laughter.

your eyes felt fuzzy and you blinked, pulling yourself up from your desk. the effort almost hurt, like you were dragging a bag of stones.

you moved to the window and closed it, cutting off the fresh air circulation throughout your dorm. the air conditioner would suffice.

your laptop screen threatened to go dark and you let it. you weren't getting the assignment done anyway. you felt tired, which was silly to say and silly to complain about but you didn't really sleep much anyway.

you tried, sometimes, but it just never really came. you did all the tricks, don't snack too late, limit screen time, but sleep didn't welcome you. to spare yourself the frustration, you just gave up sometimes. sometimes, staying up felt like the only free time that you had.

after work, there was class. after class, there was homework. you spent more time at your desk than anywhere else. you wished that you had a chance to enjoy the weather. maybe you still could.

the sun wasn't visible anymore but it wasn't dark, the sky was that pretty shade of blue just after sunset and just before nightfall. if you were quick, you could make it back before then.

you exchanged your pajama bottoms for leggings, and pulled a discarded hoodie over your tank top.

you were rooted in melancholy, the only positive being that it won the fight over anxiousness. for the time being.

the hoodie pocket was stuffed with things that you might need, and you patted it just to make sure before you slipped on your shoes. you didn't need to glance in the mirror, there was no point. you made your way to the door, quickly at first and then slowly. you stilled your breathing, pressing your ear against the door as your hand hovered above the handle. you're silent, and you waited.

you had splurged money that you didn't have for a single dorm. you had done the whole roommate thing before. it wasn't nice.

still, you waited for any indication that someone could be in the hallway. it was so awkward, walking out at the same time as someone else. sometimes it was a guy, walking right in the middle of the hall and they never squeezed over to make more room. after a shower, they always exited the bathroom without a shirt on. the proximity made your face hot, but not out of attraction. embarrassment.

everything was quiet so you emerged, carefully opening your door and stepping out into the hall. you shut your door slowly, holding it until the last second. you hated when people let their doors slam. you were in the clear. you walked a straight path to a set of doors that led to the stairwell. you felt satisfied, almost pleased with yourself that you hadn't changed your mind yet until the stairwell door slammed open.

you flinched, practically jumping back, partly in surprise and party so you wouldn't get hit.

"shit, sorry," the offender muttered, going red in the face. a girl stood in front of you, clad in a baggy hoodie, jeans, and converse. nothing out of the ordinary, but it looked nice.

you felt like you had to apologize for nothing, maybe for simply being in the way. "no, i'm sorry." you couldn't meet her gaze, but your eyes danced around her face. she was pretty in a charming way. pretty in a way that made your stomach hurt.

"don't be, i'm the one who came barreling through the door like an asshole," she waved off. you blinked, finally catching her gaze. green eyes.

you wordlessly shook your head and your motivation was gone, you wanted to go back to your room. you stepped away, far away, so she could have plenty of space to continue on her way. she didn't, though, and instead turned to face you once more.

"ellie," she offered, not with any bravado.

you were stunned but introduced yourself anyway to be polite.

"i don't think i've seen you once all year" ellie commented. she doesn't mean it to be cruel, but it makes you feel bad anyway.

"i'm not really around much," you shrugged. it was a truth and a lie.

"do you live here?" ellie questioned. you wished that she would move on.

"in the building? yeah."

"on this floor?"

"yeah," you nodded.

"cool," ellie nodded, fully taking in your appearance. there's no point in having small talk and you aren't sure why she's dragging it on.

you wrinkled your nose as ellie moved, a familiar smell filling the air. something earthy that stings your nose, but beneath that, something warm. you glanced at her eyes and they're a little glazed over. you awkwardly shift your weight and ellie seems to catch a hint.

"sorry," she mumbled another apology, this one more sheepish than the last. "i'm totally holding you up. it was nice to meet you," ellie said, and she repeats your name. maybe to show you that she was listening and retained it, or maybe that's just how she is, but it made your heart swoon nonetheless.

"you too," you uttered, watching once her back was turned. ellie was one, two, three doors down from you. she disappeared into her dorm and you turned on your heel, backpedaling into your room. you didn't feel much like a walk anymore. besides, it was already dark out.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

the alarm blared through a staticed speaker like some kind of joke. you felt at risk for a heart attack, jolting up with a screech caused by the sudden high pitched noise. the light was blinking rapidly, flashing in the dark room. the fire alarm continued to sound, piercing your ears. you quickly sat up in bed, panicked and shaking. you blindly reached for your phone, accidentally knocking it off of the windowsill in which it was perched upon in the process.

"fuck," you muttered, leaning over to grab it with a trembling hand. it was 1:42am, and you could've cried. you had finally fallen asleep.

"fuck!" you exclaimed a little louder, clamping your hands over your ears. it was protocol to leave the building, and despite the time, you were embarrassed to leave the room in your pajamas. you debated doing a quick change but the alarm continued to mock you. you slipped boots on, holding a tight grip onto your phone and key before exiting your dorm.

the hallway was busy, crowded with people complaining. obviously, you weren't the only one in pajamas. still, you felt shy. you followed a line of people down the stairwell, over and over again until you reached the first floor. the doors were burst open and it was cold, considering the time of night.

people stood in groups, laughing and grumbling angrily about the situation, probably some asshole who burnt popcorn.

you trudged along to find a clearing, standing alone. you stared down at your boots in the grass until you heard a somewhat familiar voice.

"oh hey, it's you," the voice observed, as if this were some kind of casual meeting.

you drew your eyes upwards. ellie. your cheeks burned instantly. it had been a few days since your run in, but you had admittedly thought about her a lot since then. it was silly, but you grew warm under her gaze. "hi ellie," you replied, quickly regretting the use of her name. what if she didn't even remember yours?

as if she could read your mind, ellie repeated your words, replacing her name with your own. you pressed your lips together so you wouldn't smile.

"nice to see you again," ellie remarked. "except-" she winced, and you knew she meant the fire alarms at the obnoxious hour.

"you too," you replied. "except," you added thoughtfully, almost as a joke.

ellie must've liked that because she took it as a welcome to take a step closer to you, though you didn't really mind. "did it wake you up?" ellie asked, and you noticed her voice sounded raspier with sleep.

"unfortunately," you sighed. you realized you were in your pajamas and you crossed your arms over your chest. you felt silly standing outside next to ellie, all pink and polka dotted.

"me too," ellie complained with a sigh. your action only drew her attention to your clothing, and ellie tried her best to hide a smile.

you made eye contact and ellie knew she had been caught, so she resigned. "cute pajamas," she commented, eyes gleaming. "i like the little bow on the bottoms, very tasteful."

your face burned and you wondered how long it would be until you could go back inside. "you're a little underdressed for the occasion, don't you think?" you joked back before you had a chance to doubt yourself. ellie was simply in a hoodie again, though this time with pajama pants as well. she looked cute, and your stomach turned, feeling guilty for thinking that of a near stranger.

"if i knew you were gonna be here, i would've stepped up my game," ellie retorted, but grew awkward as the words left her mouth.

it made you giggle though, and you didn't bother holding it back. you couldn’t tell if she was flirting or just endearing. then again, you didn’t think that anyone would just flirt with you.

"next time," you reassured her, not sure why you were feeling so gutsy. "although, and no offense, i hope there isn't a next time."

you hoped that ellie would understand your joke so that you didn't sound rude, and she did. the laugh that escaped her lips was short but sweet, and you smiled with pride.

ellie cleared her throat and you turned to look at her, tilting your head. you felt less nervous in the dark, didn’t have to worry about her scrutinizing your features.

“uh, while we’re out here, maybe we could…” she trailed off and you got nervous, wondering if you would have to side step your way out of an uncomfortable situation.

“could i have your number? or you can take mine, so you don’t feel like, you know, but also just say no and that’s totally fine too,” she rambled.

you hoped that ellie wasn’t just making fun of you, because you really wanted to say yes. for the first time you had realized that she was nervous too.

“sure i’ll give you my number,” you replied. “and i’ll take yours.” you passed her your phone, allowing ellie to enter her information while your heart thumped.

the exchange was quick but lasting in your mind. you felt like a child, gifted with your first phone with promises to only let people you knew and trusted have your phone number. you didn't really know ellie, therefore a lack of trust was only expected. still, you wanted her to have your number, wanted her to use your number. it was a new feeling and as a contrast, your stomach sank.

the silence that followed was awkward, but not lasting. the all clear was given and bodies swept into the building like a school of fish. ellie was shoulder to shoulder with you, and you felt as though you had to keep reminding yourself that you lived on the same floor.

"i'll see you around, right?" ellie asked, once you had made it to your shared floor. she ran a hand through her hair, movements unsure.

"sure," you murmured, hesitating outside of your door.

"is this your room?" ellie asked, taking notice that you were no longer walking alongside her.

you nodded, making a small sound of confirmation. you wondered if she was going to comment on it, and then-

"seriously? i'm only three doors down!" ellie exclaimed, as if she really couldn't believe it.

widening your eyes, you tried to give off an appearance of surprise. it wasn't necessarily justified, but you felt strange about already knowing which room was hers.

"oh really?" you questioned, trying to play it off. "that's funny," you murmured.

ellie hesitated then, lingering by her door. she looked like she wanted to say something, but she didn't.

"um, goodnight," you laughed, beginning to pull upon your door. you heard ellie respond in parting, so it finally felt safe to collapse into your room. you quickly shut the door behind you. sleep was tugging at you, but there was something else there too.

something else that was unidentifiable, until a group of guys were running through the hall, shouting and pounding on doors and your phone buzzed, displaying ellie's name for the very first time.

Did you hear that?!

the simple message made you giggle as you melted into your comforter. you hardly knew her, but you swore that you could read her tone through the text, one of mocking complaint.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

you had a game with ellie.

it wasn't really a game, but more of an exchange that happened frequently.

since the night with the fire alarm, you texted frequently. more specifically, you texted frequently to complain.

large or small disturbances, it was practically a race to see who could notify the other quicker.

drunk people being loud in the hall, someone slamming a door late at night, music blaring through a speaker... messages of can you believe this noise?! and did you hear that??? always ensued.

you acted like cranky neighbors, venting about disturbances in the neighborhood. it was lighthearted and silly, you could expect a text no matter how small or insignificant the sound.

now though, the sound was significant, and loud. it wasn't keeping you awake, however, though you wished that you could merely blame the music for your lack of sleep. you had been awake, staring blankly at the ceiling long before the music had began.

you reached for your phone, squinting at the bright screen. you felt desperate to text your new friend, desperate for a reply and a confirmation that you existed.

you didn't have to think hard before you typed. you went back and forth everyday.

do you hear that??? you sent, half-heartedly wondering if she was even in her dorm tonight. the music had been playing for awhile and ellie hadn't texted. the realization made you sick. maybe she was sick of the joke.

not even thirty seconds later, the music stopped. all of the muffled laughing immediately hushed. the sounds felt like background noise at the point, so the abrupt silence stirred your interest. when you looked down at your phone, it indicated that ellie was typing. you watched for a moment, curious, and then the tiny bubble disappeared.

you knew what was coming before it even happened. you only had time to pull a sweatshirt over your head, covering a thin tank top before a knock at the door made your pulse quicken. one glance through the peephole confirmed your suspicions and your hands shook with dread.

"ellie," you uttered flatly after pulling open the door, not feeling a need to try and act surprised. she looked disheveled but panicked, she was wide-eyed and her face was all pink.

"i'm so sorry, i'm an asshole," ellie expressed. her heart pounded with guilt. she had bothered you, no doubt making a poor impression and she felt sloppy to try and fix it.

despite the urgency of her spilled words, you only shook your head.

"you aren’t," you insisted, leaning against the door frame.

ellie's eyebrows knitted together out of suspicion, figuring you were only being too polite to tell her truth.

"i woke you up," ellie deadpanned her assumption.

you waved a hand to dismiss the thought, and ellie's eyes followed your painted nails. "you didn't," you disagreed.

ellie slouched, making it obvious that she couldn't decide whether to stay or go. her movements were slow, a stark contrast from her worried expression.

"i feel bad. and stupid," ellie admitted, looking at you curiously.

you felt guilty now, like you had taken something too far.

"really, don't," you pressed. "i didn't realize it was you, i was only joking."

you wanted ellie to stop talking about it, and maybe she understood that because she changed the subject.

"i just have some friends over, uh, dina and jesse? would you want to... come over too?"

ellie posed the proposition very nervously, and you wondered if she were hoping that you would automatically say no. an empty offer, just to be nice.

"that's okay," you declined with a smile. "i wouldn't wanna impose."

to your surprise, ellie actually looks disappointed.

"you wouldn't be," ellie said, nearly fumbling over her own words.

you hated yourself for thinking twice about it. it could be nice, maybe, to spend some time with ellie. on the other hand, there were other people there, and the thought terrified you.

"i really don't think-"

"we have way too many snacks and you could leave whenever you want," ellie interrupted. "it's a short walk back, see?" she demonstrates, walking backwards a few steps until she's at her door.

it's only then that you notice her door is cracked open, and two curious heads poke out from around the corner. you make eye contact and the guy instantly ducks away, disappearing back into ellie's room. the girl, however, meets your eyes and smiles. it feels welcoming and you wonder what would happen if you were to say yes.

"i'm dina," the girl called, giving a small wave. you introduced yourself back, and she chuckled.

"i know," she replied, and ellie winced.

"i'd love if you could join us," ellie pursued. she meets your gaze and spoke low enough so that only you could hear her voice. "only if you're comfortable," she added.

you weren't, but you gave in anyway.

"sure," you resigned with a sigh, and ellie's lips turn upwards in relief. you were unaware that as you followed ellie to her room, it would end up being one of the best decisions that you made.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

when your phone rang while you were at work, you expected it to be some sort of family emergency, not ellie.

"hey?" you questioned, ducking away from the prying eyes of your coworkers.

"are you hungry?" was ellie's response, and when she failed to elaborate, you frowned in confusion.

"yeah," you breathed simply, trying to keep your voice quiet.

"good, don't eat," ellie said, and you could picture the wince that must've registered on ellie's face after the words left her mouth.

"because i'm bringing you something," ellie quickly clarified. you would have laughed if you weren't being stared at.

"i'm at work," you denied.

"yeah, but you get off in twenty minutes and i'm picking you up," ellie explained. your eyes widened as you tried to suppress the heat that threatened to overcome your face.

ellie has been adamant about pursuing a friendship with you, even when you had made it difficult for her. not that she was actively trying against your wishes, but she could tell that making the first move was difficult for you. so, ellie made the first move. and the second move, and the third move, and more after that. at some point, you had to stop questioning her intentions and wondering if she truly liked you.

"really?" you asked, affection flooding your senses.

"yeah. so just, keep being hungry. but only because i'm bringing you something. then you should eat and not be hungry because, fuck. i'll see you soon, okay?"

the twenty minutes until the end of your shift dragged but only because you were so eager to see ellie. it was another warm day, and your body ached to be outside in the sun.

when you were finally able to leave, ellie was waiting outside just as she had promised. she was leaning against her parked car, and you knew she only did it because she thought that she looked cool and the idea made you laugh.

"hi," you called happily.

"hi," ellie shouted back, proudly holding up a bag. "i brought mcdonald's!"

after a short span of driving, you decided to park somewhere and eat outside. you were secretly thrilled, though you had a suspicion that ellie knew that was exactly what you had wanted. she had a sheet in the trunk that you worked together to spread out on the grass.

the food was hot and fresh and you ate it like it was gourmet. compared to your usual meals, or lack thereof, it practically tasted like it too.

the sun was warm and the breeze was slight. you were actively defrosting and ellie's eyes looked exceptional in the sunshine.

"i read this book when i was younger," you started, dipping a fry into your milkshake. "where this girl always called it mcinedible. i always copied her because i wanted to be like her but... my heart just wasn't in it," you sighed, chewing thoughtfully.

ellie's eyes squinted with the threat of a laugh. "what do you like to read now?" she questioned, copying by dipping a fry.

"anything," you laughed, and you knew it was a lame answer. "i'm not that picky. i can show you some of my favorites sometime."

"please do," ellie enthused, and your heart grew warm.

"thanks for doing this," you said suddenly, feeling nostalgic for the moment that wasn't even over yet.

"anytime," ellie replied casually, and you knew that she meant it. "i like being around you. it just feels..."

"easy?" you suggested, stomach twisting.

"easy," ellie confirmed. she studied you for a moment and you willed yourself not to shy under her gaze, but you shrunk away anyway.

you nodded. "i get that. i don't feel like i have to try to act a certain way or... i don't know. it doesn't make me tired," you suggested with a short laugh.

"i'm glad my presence isn't draining for you," ellie teased, so you bumped her leg with your shoe.

"you know what i mean," you mumbled half-heartedly.

"no, i do," ellie confirmed, leaning forward to get a good look at you. it makes you nervous but this time you didn't look away.

"yeah," you mumbled, picking through your fries. "you were lucky though, you already have your people," you pointed out, referring to jesse and dina.

"and there was room for one more," ellie reassured. "plus, it's not the same."

at that, your heart sinks. you looked downwards, smoothing the sheet underneath your palm. it's not like you expected to turn into ellie's best friend... even though, if you were honest with yourself, she was the best one that you had at the moment. of course, you couldn't expect to be as close as dina and jesse.

"you misunderstood me," ellie observed, frowning.

"what?"

"it's not different in a bad way, it's different in a good way," she explains, cheeks red despite the confident tone of her voice.

"oh," was all that you could manage to say.

you weren't stupid, you knew what she meant because ellie hadn't exactly tried to keep a secret the past few weeks. even if you found it hard to believe, you couldn't exactly deny it. you didn't talk about it though. you were too scared. you knew the way that you felt about ellie was different, but you were too scared to confront it. too scared about what it might mean.

"oh," ellie repeated. "is that okay?" she questioned, tilting her head and looking at you sideways. her face was scrunched up because of the sun and you knew that you did like her, very much in fact.

"sure it is," you replied casually, before taking a drink from your straw. "i'm just not really sure what it means."

ellie took a moment to consider your words, chewing thoughtfully.

"that's okay," she concluded after a minute.

"is it?" you frowned, feeling a little dizzy from dancing around so many topics.

ellie nodded. "no pressure," she uttered sincerely, which you appreciated.

"why aren't you dating anyone?" you asked suddenly, too quickly to be able to mentally curse yourself for being rude. intrigue won you over, and ellie smirked.

"because i didn't like anyone," she explained simply, shaking her head. "until i met you."

you beamed at your milkshake but you didn't realize that you shook your head in denial until ellie called you out on it.

"hey, don't shake your head, i'm telling the truth!" ellie laughed, snatching your cup away from you.

"hey," you warned, with no real threat in your tone.

ellie returned your cup as soon as you reached out for it. she playfully rolled her eyes, melting under your gaze.

you talked and ate, rotating between silly small talk and deep conversations, completely opening yourselves up to each other. you liked that you didn't have to overthink each thing before you said it, you just said it. and ellie was funny, really funny, she made you laugh and your stomach was hurting but in a good way. she played good music, too. her phone remained in between you, playing quiet music from a playlist that ellie had made.

"my first kiss was when i was fourteen, and she was sixteen," ellie explained between bites. you nodded along, listening carefully.

"and?"

"and?" ellie laughed, looking at you. "that's it. we kissed. she was my best friend, we kissed and she moved away. it's your typical lesbian romance story," ellie rolled her eyes.

"mine was when i was fourteen too," you commented. ellie perked up, eyebrows raising.

you finished your fry and swallowed. "she was about four years older," you explained, missing how ellie's smile immediately vanished. "and she had a girlfriend. i didn't know that she was going to kiss me, or else i wouldn't have asked for a ride home," you stated with a breathy laugh.

ellie's breath hitched and she scanned your features, eyebrows drawn together. "and then what?" she asked, serious and soft.

"i went home and cried and wrote in my journal." you explained it like it was a joke, smiling and laughing and ellie felt sick to her stomach.

you dipped another fry into your milkshake, and ellie didn't want to let your confession linger.

"my last relationship was awful," she admitted.

"oh yeah?"

"yeah. not like, toxic or anything. well," ellie reconsidered, scrunching up her nose thoughtfully and it makes you laugh. "she's the one who gave me my tattoo."

your eyes widened in surprise. "that tattoo?" you asked pointedly, glancing to the ink on ellie's arm.

"that tattoo," ellie confirmed with an amused smile.

you scooted closer to really inspect it, tracing the detail with your fingertips. "what's her name?"

"cat," ellie answered, heart softening as she watched your concentrated tracing.

"cat with a c or kat with a k?" you asked, sitting back to look at her.

"cat with a c," ellie confirmed.

you hummed thoughtfully, brushing your salted fingertips off on your thighs.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

"come on kids, or we're gonna be late," jesse threatened, shouting at you from inside of his car.

"oh shut up!" dina rolled her eyes, jerking open the passenger door.

"late for what exactly?" you frowned, throwing a blanket into the trunk.

"the sunset," ellie said simply, brushing her fingers along your waist as she reached around you to close the trunk. your heart skipped a beat and ellie opened the car door for you, helping you inside.

you had all contributed to packing a picnic, an assortment of your favorite foods, snacks, and drinks. it was possibly the most low effort thing in the world, but you were buzzing with excitement. it wasn't the first time that the four of you had done this, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. though this time, jesse had kicked you all into high gear, making it absolutely sure that you wouldn't miss the sunset.

you lived for those moments, watching as the orange glow faded into a dark blue. even when the sun was down you would remain outside, talking until it was too cold and the blankets and hoodies would no longer suffice.

you would laugh anyway through numb lips, the sounds of happiness echoing amongst yourselves.

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