Vulnerable

"Don't try to figure me out. I'm a special kind of twisted."

[duncan-tashi]

This was started when the Joker and I broke up. It was completely mutual. And soon enough, I was back on my feet, ready to embrace the fierce goddess within.

Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn in BIRDS OF PREY (2020).

[coleenthecameleon]

Darling, I'm standing at the edge, bare and naked, naked because I have been stripped off lies, and barely hanging on to life. There are drops of cherry red wine down my arms, drip dropping towards the chalace of my salvation. Like gravity has turned upside down, and I am on the right side up, just flowing, freely, bare and naked, before you. You were as pale as the phantom I've imagined, who've lain by my side in a thousand arabic nights, and I thirst for you till I all dried up. I've always imagined how the end will be for the two of us, thought it'll be in whispers, till we're bought are lifted away by the winds, and scattered somewhere far where the echo of our lost will never reach us, or in screams, with plates flying over our heads, the breakage will corrupt our hearts until we deteriorate, until theres nothing left but our promises. I never thought this will end in madness, with every flicker of my eyes, as the world passes by, I close them and open, in a chronic pattern, till minutes turn to hours and hours turns to days, and in those lonesome times, you becon to me, I have laid with you, and its unreal- I think I made you up inside my head. I think I wanted you more than I've wanted death. But death was my mistress, and I will always stand in between these lines, half of my glowing with life, but on foot out in total darkness.  I'm falling again, fast and freely, till I crash down to the ground, all limbs and broken, just laying there, unable to move, stoic, merciless. A tear drop rolls over my cheek, and another, till it's a full stream, and I look up there darling, and it was light all I see, the calls to me, and i'm a man starved and broken. It's turtore to see it within grasp but unable to reach it, to let it fill me in. I am in pieces, forlone, forgotten. I am the lady of midnight. I want to miss things, I want to miss people, I want to feel how utterly hopeless and embarassing I was, I want to face all the consequences of my actions and feel shame. I want to be battered and broken and I want to hurt myself because I dont know how else to make me feel something, I am numb and shameless, and unlovable. I want all the people I've been with to throw their stones and label me whore. I want to not enjoy these feelings but I feel like this is all I fucking deserve. I am so tired of this misery, so tired. I want nothing more but to end it. End my mothers pain and end my fathers wrath. End my sisters shame and end my step-moms desdain. End what people thinks is a lost cause, and end this conquest of nothingness. I want the forget the world, forgot everythings that keeps me breathing. I want to be as selfish as they think I am. I want all these blood to leave out of my body. im numb to the core. So fucking numb, and stupid and I dont deserve good things, in life, the more I want something, is the more I am starved from it.

coleenthecameleon

[serialchilller-deactivated20240]

[coleenthecameleon]

Good Things:

1. I was wearing a yellow dress, you were wearing the brightest smile, we were under the neon lights, we couldn't stop talking about each other, I don't know why but I started talking about Donald Trump and how much I hate him, you were trying to convince me the point of his leadership, we were on a heated debate and we ended it with the slightest of touch and a lingering kiss, I think I fell in love with you that day.

2. I love spending times at the balcony, looking up to the stars, you hated open air, but you follow me each time, I pulled out my writings and you listen to them intently, you tell me my writing matters to you and it matters to a lot of people, and I told you I haven't written for a year now, but at that moment I've never felt as validated, to be stripped off your skin like that, to be valued for your soul, I thought I found my person, I've never thought wrong.

3. You made me so happy one day that I decided to give you my prized painting. I told you that this, this is the darkest part of me, when I made this I wanted to die, but instead I grabbed a paintbrush and decided to be lost within myself, and here I want you to keep it, I never say I love you because its cheezy, and I'm not that type of girl, instead I'll show you how, and you gave me the proudest smile and a kiss, bragged about my painting to everyone, I wanted it to be our secret, but because I adored you, I let you parade it like a winning champ.

4. I love smoking with you, after you sent me to work and after I get off work and you'll be waiting for me at the smoking area. You filled my lungs like smoke and I was intoxicated with you.

5. I wanted to go trekking, I wanted to climb mountains, go on adventures, seize waterfalls, live by the ocean, I wanted that life, I never wanted to be trapped night after night in some club, drinking, and you parading me around like a trophy or some slut, you wanted me to wear the sexiest outfits each time, I wanted to be filled with mud and sweat from living my life to the fullest, doing things that will not just be washed off by alcohol. Everyday I used to wake up wishing you'd be that man.

6. I told you I loved you so much that if you ever break my heart, we could never be friends, I would hate your entire existence.

7. A couple of days before we broke up, you showed you true nature, not only did I realize that you say things to get what you want, you're master manipulator, and what's worse, is that it's honed into your very existence, you're just this shitty guy who things he can get what he wants and get away with it, you apologize a thousand times, each time you cheated, each time you emotionally and physically abused me, each time you keep my things just to be sure ill be back to you, you really broke me, but the fact that you can never have me again is what keeps me sane, I deserve more than what you can offer.

8. You knew when I was done with you. You could feel it. So when I gave you back your painting, and I grabbed all the shit that was mine, you waited, there was a pause, you looked up to me, we were so broken, you asked me for last things, I said I will never give it to you, and I left.

9. 3months later, I thought I could never admit all of these to myself. But I'm done trying to run from my problems and talking about it helps. I'm happier and I don't need validation from anyone.

[coleenthecameleon]

“The boy who sits next to me in math class, known for his love of partying and use of drugs, draws the most beautiful drawings in the margins of his homework. Pictures of flowers curling around radical signs and fire that swirls until the words are no longer legible. He sits in a lower level math class as if he belongs there but he can help me with the most complex problems when I am struggling. He does it without complaint. He shows me his pictures as he explains what he was trying to do, shyly as if he is not aware of his talent. The girl who usually rolls in late on a Monday morning after a weekend of drinking too much and kissing too many, is the greatest listener. She smiles at me and laughs brightly, her mouth stained with liquor and regret. Her lopsided smile tells the story of the boys who treated her wrong, the bruises they left her not evident on her skin but in the way she is hesitant, always trying to avoid getting hurt but never getting far. She pauses too long before answering questions about her life in order to figure out the best way to present herself. The girl who is my lab partner in chemistry, who patiently goes through the instructions with me every time when I am lost, helping me when I make mistakes with a positive attitude, never scolding me, has to take daily anxiety medicine to keep her under control. She helped me choose my schedule for senior year as I panicked in class. My hands shaking against my jeans and my teeth biting into my lower lip as she whispered to me the best techniques to stay calm. The nerdy boy who helped me pass Algebra last year works 30 hours a week only to come home to an unwelcoming house. The school jokes about how he can wear a different Star Wars shirt everyday for two weeks without ever repeating an outfit but he uses them to cover up the bruises on his arm. He smiles shyly to disguise his chip tooth given to him too many years and too many incidents ago for him to truly remember what caused the fight. The heartbreaking girl on the school newspaper came after me when she saw me leave lunch half in tears. She sat with me for close to an hour as she listened to my story and she filled the silences with her own. Not of the hearts she has broken but of the damages done to her own. She held a paper towel to my red face as she told me words of encouragement with a sympathetic look on her face. She sat me on the ground as she redid my makeup, she knew exactly how to hide the evidence of my meltdown.”

— We are not what we seem (via hope-for-happiness)

[depression-healthy-carrier]

Depression is not just sadness. Depression is weight that keeps you in bed. Depression can feel empty, like nothing at all. Depression can be unexplainable. Depression keeps yout stuck. Fun can’t fix it. Instead it isolates you from what you love. Depression is an overwhelming numbness.

[australiansanta]

a fun and interesting fact about me is that im a fucking idiot

[princesconsuela]

my two moods

[papillon-en-fleur-deactivated20]

Ending friendships and losing people who meant a lot to you can be difficult but it’s not always your fault. Sometimes we confuse people who are meant to be in our lives for a short period of time as life partners in some way. Some people are just meant to be lessons. Some people are just meant to come around and help us get to a new level of thinking, help us experience certain things, help us grow in a way that we otherwise could not.

[athenadiane]

“ And it’s going to hurt to go home because you’ll be passing by the streets that you and I used to walk in. It’s going to hurt to drive your car because you’ll remember me sitting on the passenger seat. It’s going to hurt to wake up every morning and you won’t receive a good morning text from me. It’s going to hurt to brush your teeth because you’ll remember when we used to do it together. It’s going to hurt to drink coffee because you’ll remember how we used to enjoy it together. It’s going to hurt to play your favourite games because they were my only rival. It’s going to hurt to hear corny jokes because you’ll remember mine. It’s going to hurt to fall asleep because you’ll remember your arms around my body. It’s going to hurt to wear your red jacket because I always borrowed it. It’s going to hurt you, so let it. But it’s going to hurt me more, because you allowed it.”

—we needed a break 18:21

[jas0nwaterfalls-deactivated2014]

Go anonymous and tell me a secret.

[secretlyhorny-x-deactivated2015]

do it do it do it 

[sad-cold-bitch]

[ruinedchildhood]

[thegoodvybe]

[justalittlegirlsposts]

There will always be days and nights where i think of you

even if i dont want to

even if i'm not supposed to

[ttzsource]

Five Characters in Search of an Exit (The Twilight Zone, 1959-1964)

[coleenthecameleon]

I look pretty okay for someone who's suffering both existential and identity crises, don't you think? Update. I'm still alive Haha just been winging it out through life lately. I need to start writing again...