He couldn’t really pinpoint a moment in his life that gave him so much warmth. Maybe it was because he was still blinking away the remanence of sleep, or maybe it was because the past is always pale in comparison to the present, or maybe it was just because there hasn’t been a moment before this one. Climbing out of his slumber the first thing he could feel besides the warmth that seemed to touch every molecule of his body, was a chest rising and falling against his rib cage. It was matched with light snoring that seemed more melodic than birds chirping in the early rays of light.
Dean grounded himself to this moment. His mind ventured to the way most of his memories were clouded in blue, how many of his happiest memories are of an angel, and how even through the heartbreak he managed to fall in love. If twenty years ago he would’ve been told that he would wake up in the morning, in a suburban townhouse, with an angel nestled against him… well he would’ve laughed his ass of.
It definitely wasn’t his plan for life. Since he was a boy he thought that he was fine going out in a blaze of glory during a fight with a monster. He was raised to want a warrior’s death. All of his life he never gave anything a chance because he figured he would hunt till his dying breath.
Now he has a mortgage. And a job at a local garage as a mechanic fixing up classic cars. And a husband who is a florist. And a daughter who is graduating from preschool in a few short weeks.
It’s crazy.
Coming to back to the present, Dean finally peels open his eyes to stare up at their white ceiling. The fan is running, since Kansas summers are too hot for comfort. The breeze feels nice against his shins and toes where the sheet had slipped off his skin during the night. But even the cooling air doesn’t take away from the warmth that is now seeping into his veins and filling his lungs.
The last time he picked up a knife was two days ago to cut his daughter’s PB&J sandwich. The only time he uses anything iron is under the hood of a car. Salt is only added to the meals he cooks for the family he cherishes. And the journal he keeps now is filled with taped pictures of memories with smiling faces of family adventures.
Even Sam is just a couple hours away. He’s settled into a life with Eileen Leahy, A Woman of Letters, although they still do hunts together from time to time as husband and wife. Dean fills to the brim with pride when he thinks of how far they’ve come.
Through all his thinking Dean didn’t realize the snoring had stopped. What brought him out of his mind was the feeling of eyes on his skin. Dragging his eyes down from the ceiling he was met with groggy blue eyes peering up at him under disheveled bangs.
“Mornin’, sweetheart.” His voice was rough from lack of use as he curled his lips into a lazy smile.
Cas grunted before ducking his head and burrowing his nose into Dean’s shoulder.
A chuckle vibrated his chest as he wrapped his arms more securely around his angel’s skin to bring them closer. In the morning light he remembers how beautiful his husband is. They’re both covered in white scars from years of battling but in their bed the scars seem to dissipate until all that is left is the two of them, no history or tragedy.
“’M gonna go make breakfast. You want waffles?” Dean pressed his question into Cas’ hair so he could breathe in the fruity shampoo his husband used.
“Mhmmm.”
Not being able to help it Dean’s smile grew wider until it started to ache at his dimples. “With whipped cream?”
“Mhmmm.” Cas started to claw his own way into reality. “Please.”
“Alright.” Dean kissed Cas’ forehead softly before detangling himself from limbs and sheets to stand beside their bed. Before he started toward the kitchen he allowed himself a moment to look over his husband, sprawled across their bed with tan skin popping against the white sheets.
It’s crazy, isn’t it, that Dean couldn’t think of a single moment that didn’t make him feel so much warmth inside his soul.
I know you wrote "Why Do You Love Daddy?" hella long ago but I just now read it and NEEDED to tell you that it ripped my heart out. It was so beautifully written. Idek if you still write on here, but I thought you should know that your work is still appreciated 5 years later.
Thank you! I don’t know how old this message is but it really made me smile today. I haven’t been writing much these days but I do enjoy popping on some times to see how some of my works are doing and it does always make my heart beat a little faster to see that people are still reading my stuff.
This blog is one of the most important parts of my life growing up and I’m so glad I got to share it with the community and you and I really couldn’t ask for anything more in life than for my words to reach someone’s heart.
Thank you so much for messaging me and I hope you have a great day💕
It’s been a wild ride, I’ve only been along for it for eleven years but I felt my world shift after the finale ended. I don’t want to get into all my problems about the episode or gripe and rant I just wanted to say that no matter how anyone received it there is a weight that’s fallen off our shoulders.
This show has always just been a constant in my life for as long as I can remember, it’s always been “oh I had a shit week well whatever I have SPN tonight” or during hiatus it was always “at least it’s coming back” and now it isn’t. It’s gonna be an adjustment for sure.
Id just like to thank the actors and writers and everyone who made the show really worthwhile, everyone who breathed life into this world and script. No matter what these characters are family and I’ll always cherish them in my heart.
I know I haven’t posted on here in a while but with how the finale ended... I may try to write some. If you have any requests let me know. I may not write them, I won’t promise anything, but it may help me start it up again.
There was no rhyme or reason that brought Dean’s feet walking in the direction he was headed. It was a sunny day and instead of walking the couple feet from his car to his house he just suddenly felt the desire to take a walk. It wasn’t like there was anything waiting for him at home except leftovers and a six pack. So with a blank mind and the ghost of a smile, he walked leisurely down the sidewalk that twisted and turned through his neighborhood.
A kid skated by on roller blades making Dean chuckle to himself at how youth never changed. He remembers the day Sam had brought home a pair of beat up roller blades a friend of his gave him. They had went out into the driveway and Dean held his elbow as he helped his brother master the shoes. It took a few weeks after school every day before Sam was skating around and soon going out to skate with friends. Dean remembers watching his brother leave the house with the roller blades slung over his shoulder and missing the days they spent practicing and being together.
His feet keep carrying him down the sidewalk until he comes to turn. He looks both ways across the road and ponders which way to keep going or if he should turn back. Before he could come to a decision he sees across the street a young woman frantically racing about the street corner with a look of dreadful panic etched into her features.
Dean sprints across the street and comes up slowly to her as to not scare her. “Hey, are you okay?”
The woman turns with tears filling her eyes and shakes her head. “I lost my brother’s dog. I was supposed to be watching him and he jumped out a window!” The woman bit back a sob and covered her face with her hands.
Furrowing his brow, Dean turned and searched the suburban area for any trace of a dog. “What’s the dog look like?”
“He’s a german shepherd. Still a puppy. I don’t know how he managed to get out the window! His name is...um…” The woman chuckled nervously. “His name is Burger.”
With a soft chuckle, Dean looked back into her eyes and tried to convey a reassuring smile. “I’ll help you find him, ma’am.”
“It’s Anna, and thank you.” She smiled back, the tears still teetering in her eyes, before turning and scanning around. “If you could go that way and I’ll go this way maybe one of us will see him. Meet back here either if you find the dog or maybe in a couple minutes?”
Dean nodded, not wasting much time before heading off to where she pointed. Admittedly, he really didn’t see his small walk turning into a hunt for a dog but he was glad to help. He remembered the dog Sam had brought home once, begging to keep him, only to have their father say it was too much responsibility. Which Dean decided had always been a wise decision but the look that woman had on her face, Dean was glad he never had to see it on Sam’s in the case that anything had happened to that dog if they had kept it.
“Here Burger!” Dean cupped his mouth and shouted down the street. It wasn’t busy so he didn’t get many strange looks.
Keeping his pace quick and his eyes sharp, Dean took a few twists and turns and found himself walking along a fence that bordered a park. Squinting against the sunlight he saw some dogs happily playing with their owners on the small hills. What got his attention though was a small german shepherd curled up under a picnic table. He almost didn’t believe his eyes until he saw the big ears and dark snout catching some sunlight.
Heaving a breath of relief he easily jumped over the fence and started to cautiously approach the scared puppy. When he got a couple feet away he was halted by a soft whine. Dean lowered himself into a crouch and held out an open palm toward Burger, who was now eyeing him.
“Hey, Burger, I’m Dean.” With every word he spoke he inched just a tad closer. “Anna is worried sick about you, boy.”
Burger lifted his head and tilted it. His big black eyes seemed to analyze Dean’s posture and face. After a few moments of silence between the two, Burger slowly started to scoot himself out and towards the man. He let out another soft whimper when he was only a couple inches from Dean’s hand.
“That’s a good boy.” Taking a chance, Dean lowered his hand under Burger’s snout to let him sniff it. “I ain’t gonna hurt you.”
After smelling the offered hand, Burger yipped and crawled his way between Dean’s crouched legs. Letting out a short laugh, Dean began to run his fingers through the dog’s fur and rubbing against his skin. After a couple seconds of that he stood up and was surprised to see Burger stand up and at attention by his side.
“You okay if I pick you up?” Dean asked even though he knew he wasn’t getting an answer.
Scooping the dog up against his chest Dean snorted as a tongue swiped up his cheek. Turning back towards where he came from, he started the short walk toward where he was going to meet Anna. He wondered briefly, as he crossed the street with a ball of fur all but panting in his arms, if maybe he should get a dog.
He didn’t have much time to think more on it before Anna was sprinting toward him with a look of pure relief and happiness exuding from her. Dean didn’t have a chance to set the dog down before Anna was pulling him from his arms and cradling him to her chest.
“Oh my god! Thank you! Thank you so much! My brother is going to be home any minute and if he came home and Burger was missing he would be devastated!” Anna once sad tears turned to ones of happiness as she looked into Dean’s eyes with a grin wide enough to split her cheeks. “Please, let me pay you back somehow.”
Shaking his head, Dean rubbed at the back of his neck and thought about the leftovers and six pack waiting for him at home. “Don’t worry about it, ma’am. He’s a cute dog and I’m just glad he’s back to where he should be.”
Anna nodded, cooing at Burger before turning back to Dean again. “At least tell me your name.”
“Oh, uh, Dean. Dean Winchester.” Dean looked around to see he wasn’t far from his house. “And really, don’t worry about repaying me. I need to be getting home anyway.”
“Do you live around here?”
Nodding, Dean pointed toward his street. “Yeah, the green house down that way.”
Anna turned and squinted. “Okay. Well thank you again. You saved my life today.”
Chuckling, Dean waved to her before starting his trek home.
Only when he shut his door behind him and looked through the darkened rooms, he realized how lonely he really was and how today had been a really good day for a walk.
~
The microwave timer had just gone off when a loud knocking came from the front door. Dean quickly shot off his couch to pop open the microwave door before starting toward his door. It was a regular wednesday evening meaning there really wasn’t a reason for visitors which meant it was probably a salesperson.
Taking in a deep breath and running a hand through his hair, Dean pulled open the door with a smile pulled up on his lips. The smile quickly turned into his jaw dropping as probably the most handsome man he had ever seen was standing on his door mat with a bag of something good smelling held to his chest.
The dark haired man, with eyes so blue Dean felt as though he could drown in them given the chance, smiled widely and juggled the bag a little to reach his hand out between them. “Hello, I’m Castiel Novak and I heard from my sister that you saved her life the other day.”
It was almost comical how deep and serious that sentence was spoken and Dean knowing that he really didn’t save a life. Shaking himself mentally of the butterflies now swooping in circles in his stomach, he reached out and shook Castiel’s hand.
“Oh-um-the name’s Dean and I didn’t really-”
Releasing Dean’s hand Castiel laughed and shook his head slightly. “She told me that you found Burger. I wanted to thank you because although his name is beyond ridiculous he is a very important member of my family.”
Nodding, Dean swallowed thickly and willed himself to not swoon at the sound of his laughter, or the fact that this guy found him out just to thank him for finding a dog. “It was no trouble, really.”
“Maybe not,” Castiel grinned, “but I would still like to thank you. I didn’t know what to bring over so I grabbed some take out.”
Remembering the not-so-frozen dinner in his microwave, Dean’s lips turned up into a smile and he opened his door further with a gesture to come in. “Sounds awesome, Castiel.”
~
“Burger, down!” Castiel’s voice boomed through Dean’s house in the very very early hours of the morning. “Get that out of your mouth!”
Laughing loudly, Dean twisted his body on his bed to get a little more comfortable and to pull some muscles awake after sleep. He burrowed his face into his pillow and breathed in the scent of Castiel. Letting out a deep sigh of contentment, he wished more than anything that he could live forever in this moment.
But the moment was suddenly disrupted as two sets of paws land directly on his back. Dean yelped and twisted himself in his sheets to meet Burger’s eyes. The two didn’t move for a long moment before Dean swiftly gathered the dog up in his arms and rolled them so Dean was on his side with Burger burrowed against his chest.
“It’s too early, Burger, go back to sleep.” His rough morning voice spoke directly into the dog’s head.
Burger let out a soft yip before his tail slowed and he let himself relax in Dean’s hold. The two laid together and pretended to sleep until a pair of socked feet padded into the bedroom. Dean tried his hardest to keep his smile off his face when he felt the sheet shift and the bed dip. A hand gently caressed his cheek as two legs intertwined with his.
“You know, Dean, Burger and I really enjoy waking up here.” Castiel’s voice was the softest Dean ever remembered hearing it. “And going to sleep here. And eating here. And watching TV here…”
Popping open one eye, Dean smirked as he met his boyfriend’s loving stare. “Would the two of you enjoy living here?”
Castiel smiled and nodded. “We really would.”
Letting his eyes slide shut again, Dean couldn’t help but let his smile warm every part of his body. “Then I guess we are gonna have a long Sunday of packing boxes ahead of us, sweetheart.”
I’m going be to doing some writing today, not anything big but if anyone has any small prompts or easy enough scenarios I’ll be open to getting some ideas.
Goddammit I haven’t thought about supernatural in months and I saw your notification pop up and now I’m crying that was so good
Thank you! I have been keeping up woth the show but I just haven’t really had the time or inspiration to make any fics recently and tonight I kinda just went with it and I know it’s super angsty but I do think it’s pretty good for not having written in a while.
Thank you for messaging me feedback💕 I really appreciate it and hopefully I’ll have some more out soon
Castiel closed his eyes, knowing that his brother was right. Why else would he be in Gabriel’s kitchen a little after one in the morning with a duffel bag of clothes and fresh tear stains on his cheeks? How could this be just a break when Castiel’s heart has been breaking for months now and all that is left is an empty hollow shell of an organ. No, he didn’t believe it. He didn’t believe those three little words, not as he whispered them like a madman’s mantra on the drive over here. But if he admitted it, really truly believed that this wasn’t a break… Castiel feared he wouldn’t be strong enough to handle it.
Gabriel let out a sigh at the deafening silence. It broke him to see his younger brother battling so hard in his mind when the reality was so heartbreaking. Taking a deep breath and moving his eyes over to the clock on his oven, he decided tonight wasn’t the night to hash this out.
“The guest room is all set up. Lotta pillows and blankets. Get some rest and we can discuss this more in the morning.” Standing up, Gabe waited to move until Cas did.
But Castiel couldn’t move. It was like his bones were concrete and his skin would rip at the slightly movement. It was like everything that was holding his body together would suddenly collapse and he would be only a puddle on the floor. If he moved, if he slept in a bed that wasn’t theirs… it would be the beginning of the end.
“Listen, Cassie-”
“I love him, Gabe.” Castiel finally opened his eyes and stared up at his brother with the look of a man starving for happiness. “I love him and he-he-”
“I know.” Gabriel knelt down in front of his brother and set a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I know you love him but dammit Cas, this isn’t good for you. Or him. I know that you two love each other and would go to the ends of the earth for each other but this isn’t healthy and some times people can love each other and not end up together.”
A harsh sob ripped through Cas’ throat before he could stop it. “I can’t let him go. I can’t. I can’t let him go, Gabe, please, I can’t-”
Applying more pressure to Cas’ shoulder, Gabriel pulled his brother off his chair and held him to his chest on his kitchen floor. He rocked the other man for minutes as they both tried not to cry, Cas mumbling and pleading to a deity that it would be ok and everything would work out, and Gabriel clung to his brother and pleaded with every fiber in his being that he would be ok.
~
“It’s more than a break.”
“Okay.”
Castiel felt the life seep from his pores as he stood in the doorway of his brother’s living room and said what he had been dreading to say as he lay sleepless the night before. After hours and hours of thinking about the past decade of his life, and the smile that used to mean everything to him, he made himself realize that it was over. It was all over. The life he built, the home he shared, the garden they tended on warm summer days… it was over.
“I am going to call him. Make arrangements to get my things.” Cas felt the sour taste of bile start to eat at the back of his tongue. “Do you mind if I stay here for a few days until I get back on my feet?”
“Days? Little bro you can stay as long as you need.” Standing from his place on the couch Gabriel walked up to Castiel and pulled him into a firm hug, scared he might slip away in despair if he didnt ground him right then and there.
Castiel leaned into the warmth and closed his eyes. “Thank you, Gabriel.”
Smiling sadly, Gabe pulled back and looked into Cas’ eyes. He searched them for any spark of the man he grew up with, the love and excitement that always shown through the deep blue, but found nothing except emptiness. Trying to keep the tears from gathering, he turned and made his way into the kitchen for a sweet treat.
Castiel reached into his pant pocket and pulled his phone out. He stared at it for a little while, watching his reflection in the black mirror. Last night he had been so emotional and stuck in his own head that he hadn’t checked for messages or calls. There wasnt really a part of him that thought his husband would have looked for him or cared.
Gathering any energy he had left he pressed his thumb to the side of his phone and the bright light met his eyes. Gasping softly he read quickly through his notifications. There were thirty seven missed calls from his husband, and more ninety nine plus text messages. Feeling guilt start to seep into his bones, Cas slid open his lock screen and pressed the number that used to bring him comfort. Closing his eyes, he pressed the phone to his ear and listened with a heavy heaving heart as it rang.
The second it picked up he knew that this was going to be the worst phone call of his life.
“Cas!?” His husband’s voice ripped through the phone so abruptly Cas flinched.
Clearing his throat, he tried to remember the speech he had prepared last night. “Dean-”
“Where the hell are you?” Dean’s voice was followed by a car door slamming. “I’ve been driving all over the goddamn county looking for you.”
A part of Cas wanted to call bullshit, to say that if Dean cared at all he would’ve guessed Gabriel’s house immediately. But instead he took a deep breath and pushed onward. “Dean, what happened last night has been a long time coming. We both know that things haven’t been working between us for-”
“Are you kidding me?” Dean screeched. “You’re breaking up with me on a phone call?”
“Dean-”
“No. Don’t. Where are you?” The venom in Dean’s voice was dripping off each word.
“You really don’t know?” Now Cas could feel his own voice rising, the anger starting to ebb into his head and twist his thoughts. “You really couldn’t guess that when I came home to my husband kissing another man on our couch that the first place I would do is Gabriel’s?”
Silence met his ears for a few heartbeats until Dean’s voice came through softer. “You flew our to Colorado?”
Seeing red, Castiel let out an angry snort or disbelief. “Really, Dean? Gabriel moved back here last year. How long have you been ignoring me, thinking about this other man? A year? Two? This whole time?! Was our entire marriage some kind of sick joke to you?!”
“Cas if you would just let me explain what happened last night! You didn’t even give me a chance to explain what happened! And I swear to God I don’t remember Gabriel moving back at all. The guy hates me, I never saw him even when he visited before.” A car engine roared to life. “Whats his address?”
“No.” Castiel felt his knees give out and he curled himself up into a ball with his forehead pressed to his knees. “I can’t see you, Dean. All I can see is that man… and you and-”
“I didn’t kiss him.” All the anger drained from Dean’s voice. “I invited him over for a couple drinks cause he’s a guy from work. We did a couple projects together and he seemed like a cool guy. When I went to get the remote to turn on the TV he… he kissed me. I pushed him off. I didn’t even know you had come home. I didn’t know until I heard your cry that you had seen it.”
Castiel clamped a hand over his mouth and tried to tense his muscles before the sobs broke through.
“I love you, Castiel. I know… God I know how this looks. We haven’t been on the same wave length recently and,” Dean sighed and groaned, “and I have been a shitty husband and I took us for granted because I mean… it’s always been you and me and I guess I didnt think about the fact that you could leave me.”
The tears were flowing freely from Cas’ eyes but he couldnt move, couldnt open his mouth or breathe.
“I love you more than anything in this world or the next, I swear to that. I have never wanted anyone else. I know things have been rough but fuck me I’d rather have you like this than be perfectly happy all the time with someone else.” A deep breath and then the car engine stopped roaring. “I won’t come get you. I won’t guilt you or beg you or do anything else. If you want to stay there, I’m not going to fight you. I want you to be happy, Cas, that’s all I ever wanted. So, um, if this is goodbye then I won’t hurt you anymore.”
Castiel pitched himself forward and let out all the sobs he had been trying to keep in. He cried and cried and pressed the phone so hard to his face he could feel the soreness in his cheek start to ache. But he couldn’t make any words come out. Every time he opened his mouth it was only broken whimpers and staggered breaths.
“Castiel, I love you. Goodbye.” And then Dean’s voice was gone.
SIX MONTHS LATER
Castiel watched the people coming and going outside the window of his small book store. It was started to get cooler outside and he always thought that the best addition to his peep watching was the brightly colored hats and scarves passing by. Winter was always so vibrant to him, always the season that made him smile the most from simply looking out a window.
The coffee in front of him had long stopped steaming but he still hadnt taken a sip yet. Instead he found himself captivated by the bustling street laid out before him. Most days his bookstore wasn’t busy, most of his sales being online, but he couldn’t blame anyone when it looked so nice to be outside walking in the cool air.
The bell dinged causing his eyes to leave the window and meet those of whoever walked in. When they were met with a perfect green, he felt a lump form in his throat and his back straighten just the slightest.
Dean Winchester walked slowly up the counter, as if he himself was feeling nervous about this and any moment he may change his mind and bolt for the door. But he kept walking, their eyes never leaving the others, until he was standing directly in front of the front desk.
“Dean-”
“Look, I know what I said.” Dean’s cheeks flushed as he dropped his eyes and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I know that I said I wouldn’t fight or give you any more trouble. But, Cas, I can’t-I havent-I just can’t do this.”
Feeling tears well in the back of his throat, Castiel nodded to try to keep himself from crying again. “I know.”
“And um, I just, I know that we are seperated and I need to sign the divorce papers but every time I go to do it I just... “ Dean cleared hsi throat as his voice started to grow hoarse. “I can’t get myself to know that this is over.”
Castiel didn’t talk, but he nodded again and let the tears flow down his cheeks.
Bringing his eyes up, they looked into each other and for a moment the pain that had been clawing at their souls for months was gone. They could breathe again, there was hope sparking in their eyes that mirrored the others.
“I love you, Cas. And I won’t fight you if you want me to sign the papers and walk out of your life, but I will fight with you to keep you by my side.” Dean gave a small hopeful smile full of promise.
“Okay, Dean.” Castiel scrunched his eyes painfully as he let out a sob and ran around the counter to throw himself into the love of his life’s arms. “I never stopped loving you no matter how hard I tried.”
Dean held Cas to his chest so tightly it was hard to tell where one of them ended and the other began. “I know, sweetheart, I tried, too.”
~
“So, I can burn these papers, right?”
Castiel looked up from his side of their bed with a yawn. “Hm?”
Dean, standing in the doorway to their bedroom with only a pair of low hanging lounge pants on, held up the divorce papers that neither of them had signed. “Burn these?”
Chuckling softly and closing his eyes to dive back under the covers, Cas replied with a simple, “Yes, honey.”
Prompt from Chagnon1022: A story where castiel assumes dean is cheating based on a phone call he over heard but it turns out dean was talking to his brother Sam so he could him advise to propose to cas
~
Days turned quickly to months which unfolded rapidly into years. It felt as though one day Castiel was alone in this world with little in the bank and a less than stellar outlook on life, then the next he was sharing life with who he believed to be his soul mate. Life was weird, he decided, as he procrastinated starting his day by laying in their shared bed with only a wrinkly sheet flung across his skin. Weird in a way that it felt like yesterday he had none of what he had now.
Finally deciding that thinking over his lonely past was only going to make it that much harder to get out of bed, he threw his feet from the bed and onto the floor. His body twisted a little too fast so he took a moment to sit and wait for his head to clear. There was nothing on the schedule for today which meant that he and his boyfriend could spend a lazy day together.
That thought caused a slow smile to grace his features and gave him the motivation he needed to finally stand. After throwing on a pair of clean boxers he padded from their bedroom toward the kitchen, already smelling bacon and eggs.
“I don’t know, I mean, how did you do it?” Dean’s rough voice broke through the crisp late morning air.
Castiel stopped his feet in the hallway, curiosity perked his ears. Maybe it was a work call? It was odd that Dean would be on the phone on a Saturday especially before noon. There was no secret Dean wasnt a morning person, and it also wasn’t a secret he hated talking on the phone.
“Well, I cant do that.” Huffing a laugh, Dean’s voice then dropped to a whisper. “I can’t just tell him that.”
Curiosity peaking ever higher hearing the low tone of his boyfriend’s voice, Castiel tip toed so he could pressed himself against the wall beside the doorway. He knew he shouldn’t spy, and should definitely make his presense known, but for some reason that old feeling of lonliness started to flood his system and make his body feel too weak to dare make a move.
“I mean, I love you, but that is dumb. Just cause it worked for you doesn’t mean it will for me. One, how the hell am I supposed to do that without him knowing since we have a shared bank account and two, that’s like a four hour drive.”
It took all of his will to not gasp, to not succumb to the ice water now plunging through his veins and freezing over his heart. Had he misheard?
Dean sighed deeply and almost comically. “Tonight? I can’t do it tonight. I need more time to… think it over and get everything ready.”
Castiel didnt notice how his body gave out, his knees easily supporting his descent to the ground. It was subconscious how he curled himself into a ball and listened as the love of his life cancelled plans with someone else, someone who Dean loved.
“Don’t give me that, alright? I’m not scared… I’m just… How am I supposed to say it? I’m gonna sound like an ass.” Dean’s words were so tender, so lost and desperate, that for a moment before Castiel realized the weight of it he felt bad for Dean.
He wanted to reach out and hold onto him, beg him to not leave, scream and plea until his soul was nothing but ash. Castiel wanted to grip onto Dean and shake him and demand why he wasnt good enough, why they couldnt have made each other happy and live together forever.
A clank from dishware broke the delicate tension in the air. “Because I said so! Look, forget I called you, ok? I can handle it. I’ll see you at the Roadhouse on wednesday, ok? We can talk more then about it.”
Castiel let the loneliness find it’s home in his chest. He stood up, too numb to feel him going through the motions. Standing in the hallway he listened for the goodbye, the farewell between lovers, before he tried to decide what his next move was. Was there a next move? What was left in his desolate world now that he found himself where he was all those years ago.
“Yeah, yeah, I love you, too. Talk to you soon.”
Life’s weird isn’t it, Castiel thought to himself void of emotion, that in what feels like a blink of an eye everything is suddenly different.
It wasn’t until a light humming from the kitchen broke the silence did Castiel dare move. He stepped as quietly as he could from around the corner, his eyes falling immedietly on his boyfriends back. Tears erupted before he could stop them, flowed so violently that he lost his breath and choked.
Spinning around, Dean met his eyes. The surprised green soon turned worried and panicked. Dropping the spatula onto the skillet Dean rounded their island and started toward Cas with open arms. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”
Just before they could come in contact Castiel shook his head and took a step back, the tears starting to soak his collar bone. With a heaving breath he curled his arms into his chest and tried so desperately to claw him way out of his panic.
“Cas? Hey, I’m right here. Talk to me. Breathe.” Dean’s voice was so broken, so loving that it was the final crack in Castiel’s resolve.
Clearing the tears from his vision, Cas looked into Dean’s eyes with no emotion. “I’ll be going to the market in a couple minutes. If you could pack your things before I get back I think that would be best.”
Dean coiled back as if struck. “Wh-what?”
“I don’t think we need to make it any bigger than it needs to be. I’m giving you the out. You don’t have to be so worried about telling me. Just leave.” Castiel turned his eyes downward and took a shuddering breath that burned the bottom of his lungs. “I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough.”
Dean Winchester stared at his boyfriend. Nothing came from his mouth though he tried to open it to get something out, to question why and to demand an answer to this sudden turn. Instead he stood there, in nothing but his own boxers and an apron, barefoot in their kitchen. He was too shocked to feel the way his entire world was collapsing around him.
“Please.” The word was broken and hitched falling from Cas’ lips. “Please, Dean, if you loved me at all during these few years you will just leave.”
“Why?” Finally his brain started to catch up to the situation. And though he wanted to be angry, angry that Castiel was doing this, he stayed calm. He took deep breaths and stayed calm because whatever was happening it couldnt be blown any farther out of proportion or there wasn’t going to be a possible fix.
Blue eyes soaked in heartbreak flicked up to meet defeaning green. “Because I love you and I can’t stand here and pretend that you didn’t fall in love with someone else.”
“What?!” Dean’s voice cracked from the pressure of the single word.
“I heard you.” Cas waved his arm toward the cell phone sitting on the counter. “Talking to your… your…”
“Brother?” Dean finished the sentence with a pointed look. “Just now? I was on the phone with Sammy.”
Castiel tilted his head as he met Dean’s eyes. “I listened to you make plans behind my back.”
Swallowing visibly, Dean wiped the back on his hand across his forehead. “Sweetheart, there’s a reason-”
“Right.” Castiel nodded, feeling anger flare up his spine. “You really want to lie to me, Dean Winchester?”
“No!” Dean shouted in frustration. “I’m not lying! I fucking love you and I haven’t so much as thought about being with anyone since I met you.”
His eyes drifting back to the phone, Castiel wanted to believe him, wanted to stop this now and hug him and live happily ever after. But that wasn’t life. It wasn’t life when his mother used to believe all his father’s lies. And it wasn’t life when he watched his brother be cheated on by multiple partners.
“Castiel.” Dean took a slow step toward his boyfriend. “I love you more than you’re letting yourself believe right now. And I know that you have issues with cheating and your self worth and so… I need to tell you. Even if we both regret it later. But, sweetheart…”
Fingers slid under his chin, a little force tilted his head so that he could see Dean right in front of him, their muggy breaths mixing between them. All Castiel could see was love, he felt as though he was drowning in it, sinking so low that he might never resurface.
“I’ve been carrying around a ring. I’ve been putting a little of my paycheck away toward it for about a year now. And this morning I called Sam because I have been killing myself over not finding the right moment to ask you. So I called him to ask how he asked Jess, and how he knew when the perfect moment would be.” Leaning forward slightly, Dean wrapped his other arm around Cas’ shoulders to bring them closer without losing eye contact. “I want to marry you, Cas. I want it to be just you and me forever if you’ll let me.”
Castiel’s face collapsed in a sob grimace as his shoulders started to shake and he threw himself against Dean’s chest. His body gave out as he cried and cried and let the waves of emotion roll through him. After minutes ticking by of Dean holding him and whispering to him and pressing kisses to his hair, Castiel finally pulled back.
With a shaky smile he whispered, “I want nothing more than to marry you.”
Dean’s lips turned up into a face splitting smile before he closed the distance between their lips.
Years later, in what feels like a blink of an eye, Castiel is standing in the hospital with his eyes trained on a small sleeping form wrapped in a pink blanket thinking that it feels like just yesterday he said ‘yes’ to a lifetime of happiness.
It’s been a while, and I apologize to anyone still here that I haven’t gotten anything out in so long. It’s been crazy in my world for a while and I’ve been slightly struggling and finding time to write and the energy to move my fingers has been challenging to say the least. But I’m feeling like writing today and I think I owe it to you guys, the ones who keep me writing and believing in myself, to open up for prompts and anything you guys want to read that I could write out and give to you. My inbox is always open, and even if you just want to chat, I’ll be online today and typing up what I can.
“He’s way out of my league.” Dean eyes the wallflower across the dance floor. The other man seems miles and miles away as the rest of the crowd continues to grind and sway to the music blaring through the speakers of the dance club.
Charlie rolled her eyes as she sipped her margarita and eyed the possible girls that looked pretty as the lights illuminated their skin. “Problem one: you are still using the silly ‘league’ bullshit. Everyone here is on the same playing field. Problem two: you’re handsome and it’s honestly annoying that you can’t see that. So nut up and shut up. Go ask him for a dance.”
Huffing more loudly than he intended, Dean crossed his arms over his sweat infested teeshirt and closed his eyes to the world around him. “League or no league, I ain’t stupid. He would never in a million years dance with me. We see him here every week and he always has a new guy on his arm. Even, and I mean God forbid EVEN if I got to have a place on his arm, it’d be for the night and I’d have to kill myself after ‘cause there’s no guy better in this-”
“I swear to fuck, Dean Winchester,” Charlie turned on her heel and eyed her best friend dangerously, “if you don’t ask this guy for a dance tonight then I will.”
“Yeah, okay.” Dean snorted and rolled his eyes. “There’s no way-”
Before he could finish Charlie shoved her drink against his arms and started for the dance floor. He watched in horror and curiosity as his best friend marched intently toward the object of his infatuation. All he could do was stare as he saw her walk right up to this stranger, lean in close, and whisper something into his ear. The world fell into static when blue eyes met his from across the floor.
Turning and staring at the DJ to keep his nerves from imploding and bringing vomit up into his mouth, Dean chugged the rest of Charlie’s margarita and prayed to whoever was listening that he could melt into the floorboards and never have to show his face here again.
The music seems to pulse in his throat as the time slipped by slowly. Before he could really process the fact that the embarrassment should be forcing his feet toward the door, he felt light fingertips brush across his forearm. Turning, his jaw snapped shut at the sight of his mystery crush breathing heavily only a step away from him.
The dark haired blue-eyed stranger tilted his head playfully with a warm grin splayed across his lips. “Hello.”
“Uh-hi.” Dean’s adam apple bobbed painfully.
A chuckle broke the trance as the two men eyed each other over. Finally the stranger chuckled lightheartedly. “Your friend told me,” leaning in close to Dean’s ear so he didn’t have to scream over the music, the stranger puffed a breath into the shell of his ear, “that you are in love with me.”
Ice daggers dug themselves into the nerves all of the entirety of Dean’s body as he flinched and recoiled into himself. “I’m sorry-”
“And i told her,” the stranger backed up so their eyes could meet again, “that before we fall in love I’d like at least one dance first.”
The world slipped away as Dean found himself swept into the dance floor by this mysterious man he found himself falling headfirst into the unknown for. He didn’t know where the margarita glass went, didn’t see Charlie smirk from her place on the edge of the dance floor, didn’t hear the music or the applause when the stranger dipped him and held him so delicately he felt as though he was the most treasured piece of art in creation.
“Can I kiss you?” The stranger asked as he held Dean’s body over his knee in the midst of onlookers and oblivious bodies.
“Why?” He didn’t know why he asked this but a part of him wondered if maybe he passed out on the dancefloor and was dreaming up this perfectly heavenly scenario.
The stranger’s blue eyes crinkled just the slightest as he breathlessly let out a laugh. “Because as you’ve been falling in love with me, I have been falling in love with you.”
When their mouths met Dean closed his eyes and felt for the first time in his life, that he was home.
Castiel stayed stoic as the night air grasped desperately across his human vessel and brought a cold he couldn’t rationalize to his bones. He didn’t blink, afraid this was a dream or maybe a fabricated joke. Instead he kept his infinitely blue eyes set where the hills ended and the stars exploded into twinkles. Breathing seemed a chore as his mind repeated over and over those two simple words.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t enough.” The tired hunter let the facade he hid behind melt into words he only spoke to himself in the farthest reaches of his mind. “I’m sorry that I fucked this up. I’m sorry that I cast you out when you needed a home. I’m sorry I turned against you when you were only trying to do what’s right. I’m sorry... I’m sorry I couldnt be the Righteous Man that you saved from Hell.”
Finally Cas’ eyes blinked. Finally he breathed in the night air and let it dissipate all the fear of what he always wanted to say. Finally his lips parted and he said what he wished he had said years ago, “no, I’m sorry.”
Dean Winchester stopped his apology to look upon his savior.
“I’m sorry because you should not feel guilt about your actions.” Castiel turned and met the profound green that shook his entire existance, the green that inevitably led to his fall and rebirth. “You were right all along. You should never had let a being such as me carve a place in your home. I am exactly what you had sworn to protect this world from. I was a soldier created to follow orders and I did.
“But I want you to know, why exactly your apologies are wrong. Because all that you’ve stated, all the wrong I’ve done and all the wrong that you want to take blame for, was only corrected because of you. It was your soul. You smile, your laugh, your perserverience and your nature that made me the man I am today. I am the one who is sorry for what I’ve done. But you?” Castiel felt the rainfall of tears slip from his eyes as he poured every confession into the eyes of the love that carved his own humanity. “You were the right to my wrong. You are the salvation that corrected everything I have ever done. You, Dean Winchester, are the savior to an angel.”
Dean felt his bottom lip tremble as his body gave enough that he had to place his hand on the impala to keep himself righted. A million thoughts were trying hard to race through his mind but they were halted by unearthly blue.
“I have loved you from the moment I touched your soul in Hell. I stayed by your side because I loved you so much that heaven and prophecy became damned. I loved you because everything in this world and the next paled in comparison to you. And that... that is nothing to apologize for.” Castiel took a shuddering step toward the hunter, his eyes starting to glow from the reminense of grace. “Don’t ever fear that guilt should settle in your soul because of me. My existance itself hinders on the fact that you are and always will be my waypoint of good and just.”
The tears clouded Dean’s vision as a sob erupted from this gut. It seemed that no moments passed between the angel’s last words and the moment he felt the warm embrace he has spent his life trying to find. As he melted his body and soul into Cas’, Dean felt the ‘sorry’s’ vanish.
“And when this ends, this crusade your brother and you have been fighting all these years, no matter if it ends in death and tears, I will always be by your side. I will never regret my choice to become a part of Team Free Will because that choice has led me to you. To salvation.” Castiel pressed his face against Dean’s hair and breathed in so deeply his lungs almost collapsed. “I will always love you.”
Dean gripped tight to the angel’s trench coat. “I love you, too.”
For the few of you still out there, it’s 9:25 pm where I am. I’m going to write some fics 1000+ words (hopefully) about any prompt I receive. As big or small as they come. Until I fall asleep. Hit me with your best shot.
Taking prompts again! If you have any Destiel fics you’d like to see typed out send me a quick message! I also do ships like Sabriel, Bendriel, Denny, Crowstiel, Benny/Cas (does that have a name?) and many more!
The conversation died before it really even had a chance to start. Night air laid heavy on their shoulders and seemed to well up in their throats. Neither one of them wanted this talk, they had been dodging it for weeks now. The hunts were tense, the motel rooms silent and cold, and more tragic was the tension thickening the atmosphere of the bunker. So here they were, standing a yard or two from each other as if the entire world could collapse around them at any moment and they were too tired to try to hold it together.
“I-” Whatever was on the tip of Dean’s tongue stayed perched there as green eyes glanced up at the stars.
Castiel nodded, more to himself since he knew the hunter hadnt really been looking at him these past few weeks. It was his fault, he knew it. He was the one that kissed the other man. He was the one who found himself lost in that infinite green that he forgot himself and pressed their lips together. Since then Castiel has felt as though he was a dead man walking.
“Look, we-” Again Dean swallowed his words, the roughness making him wince and clear his throat.
“I understand, Dean.” Turning head just slightly he was able to make out light from the moon glistening off of the Impala. With a single stray tear he did the thing he had been dreading. “Goodbye.”
“Goodbye?” Dean snapped his eyes to meet Cas’. There was anger there, and maybe buried underneath was hurt. “So that’s it, huh? ‘Goodbye’. Just like that.”
“‘Just like that’?” The former angel crinkled his eyebrows in confusion. “You haven’t looked at me since… and you barely acknowledge my existence. Is it unfathomable that this talk we are having is about one of us leaving?”
Shaking his head, Dean let go of everything. His shoulders sagged and all the breath inside his lungs eased from his lips. “I guess it isn’t.”
And there it was. The defeat, the rejection, and the goodbye. It was surreal, it caused Cas to pause from turning and leaving. He knew that this meant he had to go, but yet he was stuck to the ground where he stood. After all these years, all the wars and hunts and laughs and cries, this is what became of ‘them’. All of the sudden Castiel wanted to fight, fight like he had when his home was falling, when his siblings needed him, when the Winchesters prayed to him.
“Tell me the truth.” Blue eyes bore into green with a passion and intensity that was foreign from the holy tax accountant. “Tell me the truth and I will walk away right now. You’ll never see or hear from me again. Dean Winchester, do you love me?”
It was the longest moment that passed on this earth. Each man searching and searching for the truth in each other’s eyes. The trials of their lives keeping them weary and reluctant. Until finally Dean’s lips parted with a broken sigh.
“I’ve always loved you.”
Castiel took a cautious step forward, his heart hammering like drums in his ears and his tears tracing the upturn of his lips. “Then fight with me, for this. For us.”
That night Castiel wrapped his arms around the only being that would ever ignite such a spark in his soul. And as the midnight hours ticked along, sleep never found him. He didnt mind though, not when he was finally home.
