About Kayla and unfortunately about Charly
It started last Friday where I began texting Kayla which turned into a impromptu phone call while I was still working. It only ended because I had my 5:30 meeting.
I've been meaning to talk to her. She's so very pregnant and its crazy and exciting and i'm so happy for her but wow how things change you really just can't believe it. I met her man as well. Cute. My nephew is going to be in good hands. We just chatted with mostly small stuff, how her pregancy has been, them being assholes at work to her even though she's very much well pregnant but don't seem to be "not discriminating" against her which feels like an odd thing to navigate. You know she's a hard worker. There's a difference between limitations and abusing your limitations, you know what I'm saying.
It ended with her mentioning how much of a dick charly has become!! I say this because it came out of no where you know i try not to ask. But apparently him and nile are no longer roommates and he's been dealing with that fallout, and apparently he's going to the gym and making it his whole personality as if he's the first one to ever work out since people came on the earth. He's told kayla multiple times how he has mommy issues on top of his daddy issues now. And then on top of that the way that he's talking to mostly his women coworkers is sounding like he's on his way to have some male alpha podcast. How sure he hangs out with mari all the time and kayla isn't sure that he's talking to her like that which she's assuming he doesn't but hes overheard and has spoken to kayla a lot differently and in way that isn't dignified towards women at all. She overheard him talking to a coworker about a guy she was seeing and he bought her groceries and he was like that man should not have done that why would he do that on a date unless you're in a relationship with him?? Apparently it came off with much more venom than that and it didn't seem like the girl was justified in that response.
I'm not going to lie there were several things that passed in my head as i was hearing all of this. One, just in regards to that story, a few years ago that same dick head would've been probably telling that girl that he wasn't doing enough to win her over. He would've boughten my groceries in a heartbeat if it meant that I was eating. He'd always go above and beyond on dates. Yes josh and I did tell him at some point that he needs to dial it back because it can come across as overbearing but otherwise?? His behavior on this is coming out of no where? Like what the fuck is your deal? And to add on to the what the fuck is his nerve to shift into whatever mysognist rhetoric he's spitting suddenly. And not not make this about me but if i'm the one that hardened his soft little dick then he needs to grow a pair. Its hard to feel guilty about creating a bigger villain when he decided to not listen in the first place about my intentions. That's on you for not protecting your heart. I'm not saying i'm innocent i've never said that, but the amount of issues you've had were already there, you just now have someone to blame for the reason its matastisized.
Which leads me to my next wave of emotions which is like wow I only feel much better that I dodged a fucking bullet. His way of thinking his mind, his stream of consciousness were always already there. Now he's only let them grow, become more on the surface, not addressed what's the problem, created new demons in the wake of his past perhaps that very well might not have much to do with me. Knowing that that would've been my issue to deal with would've been a hard pass.
The question lies with Josh now. I feel like I can trust kayla to be honest about this. She's never been loyal to charly in the way that she's been loyal to the girls. She's maybe backed him a few times but that was situational, at the end of the day she sees the mess he is and has said that with her chest. Josh on the other hand, i mean its obvious that the friendship you may have with them will cloud your judgement. So is josh seeing all of this? How is he taking it? Is he being honest with him and vice versa?
I left the conversation ultimately feeling happy that I dodged a bullet but it made me angry. It makes me want to slap him for the asshole he's become or maybe always meant to be. I want someone to slap him into his senses and for him to respond to it. Men unchecked are dangerous and there's too many of them on the streets.
Dad left this week. I haven't slept properly in days. I finally took a benadryl last night god willing that I slept through the night.
Tuesday, monday night, wasn't helping, the day he left. I had a feeling that chidimaybe was gonna be in the office and I was racking my head if i should stand my ground or flee to an empty desk. I chose the former and I was quickly revolted. The one guy I tolerate zach came in first and I told him what happened and then theresa looked at me sideways I could tell out the corner of my head and then C came and was feeling some type of way, saying oh we can squeeze its fine, whatever. And then the next hour proceeded with C asking the dumbest question alive and I really like do you not have any shame?? And then he asked lou and then lou roped me in and said some comment which triggered C to bring up "yeah i tried that approach" I was clenching my fists so hard they were hurting on just staying silent and not turning around becuase I was going to burst. Until I saw it was 10:01 and I told lou that we had a meeting and left it at that. Afterwards, I had the meeting and immediately went to work in tims office the rest of the day. I vented to alex for a moment for an inital steam. Then I resettled, asked the girls if they wanted matcha and went down to alfreds because I needed a break. It wasn't even 10:30. Mentally and emotionally that was so hard for me, perhaps the restraint of it all, I actually wondered if I'd have energy the rest of the day.
The day ended with us girls having a facetime call about sophie's bach party which helped distract me from the shittiness of the day was. Just being back in that zone, i hate it. I hate it so much.
The next morning I decided to do a hot pilates class where I was prepared for it to be somewhat like the sculpt class i took but to my surprise I handled it quite well and dare I say i was underestimated again.
A bunch of layoffs happened this week - Ashley, Derek, Madison, and Jay are being laid off, Devin being shifted and maybe laid off eventually, then I think Jose and Olivia are being let go by November. Everyone’s being consolidated under Lynda and Jess. - as told by evan. Truly insane and scary. I am scared for us slightly.
Lou called me on friday. It was about the "sorry" prerequisite again. He said that if I'm welcome to it that he could reach out to trisha about public speaking tips. I said okay because why would I say no it'll only show that I'm not open to learning.
It did get me upset. Not in a reactive way but I tried to say without really saying "well lou idk its hard being a black woman in corporate america with a stutter". I know I learned this all in my social psych class. I know what it does to an audience if you do these things unknowingly. And it only started happening when I got this roll. I was fine before. Perhaps its just a reflection of not being sure if what I say is right, not being confident enough or sure of what the right thing is.
Mostly the night of sophie darah and I going out was darah talking about her dating journey. And out of no where I decided to share that on the nectar app most of the people whove swiped on me have been women which I said isn't necessarily an ego boost but does make me feel a little better. For some reason I thought I heard sophie say something else as to why I shouldn't be online but I think in hindsight she meant that im leading them on because I'm not gay not that I don't want to date. It was the wrong crowd to say that too and perhaps with my bit of wine I had I was speaking without any real follow through. I know she doesn't know but for some reason it upset me. Just in the same way that I technically don't know about her but that doesn't mean if she didn't say something like that then I'd shut her down. I'd be like "oh?? wait when was this a thing?" Yes I've had whispers of it to darah in the past and the rest i've told other people but for some reason it does piss me off that she would react normally to something that I've told her no context about, like that makes any f sense.
And that's on keeping your sexual identity from your friends :))
When darah asked me if I have any crushes I said no. "what about that one guy?" 'He said that he's intentional and will reach out and make it known if he likes someone and since that hasn't happened to me i'm letting it go. I mean its nice if i see him but I'm not going to let it take up more brainspace than I usually would which is a big deal for elmo"
That's where I am these days. Chen, Charles, Michael, the fucking barista. I've come to a point where at least for these men there's no reason to put some limerance on it if nothing is going to happnen. I don't need to be daydreaming about you an unnatural amount. Now perhaps I've dialed it back to either a healthy amount or not at all, and that's all I need. Because ultimately nothing is going to come of it. And when it comes to dating I'm not interested in a relationship so why be on the apps? Perhaps I could go on a date for just the fun of it but where I used to be scared of putting myself out there I'm sacred but I'm also just lazy. And if I don't have the intention to even do that much and put in the effort to get to know someone short term then why even do that much?
~~ To add to all of this I had a minor crashout when this nectar video revealed that some of these people have sex everyday which made me panic text talia (and later ask the girls on paella night) if that was true. Which made me spiral about my intimacy identity and another layer of my sexual identity that is probably confronted me way more than if I like girls ever has. But that "stat" scared me, it scared the shit out of me because I'm not even remotely on that same wavelength. ~~
Maybe this line of thinking of where I'm at makes me a bit bitter, closed off to love and be loved. Of course I miss it but now I think a good kiss can carry me a lonnggg way. Having no desires has really opened my mind to not be as distracted. Perhaps it closes me off but I'm not sure. It seems like I still get the same amount of stares I normally do so clearly I still attract attention. This is just where I am right now and I'm okay with it.
When it comes to the bisexuality of it all, the apprehension is real. More and more I feel like I don't like men sexually but do find them attractive and like them romantically. Can that be the same for women I don't know and as much as i actually do want to find that out sooner rather than later, I simply do not have the drive.
I probably sound like my grandma, spewing all this bitterness. I dont think I'm being bitter though, im just..logging off.
