Me. Intro
Here is the truth. The whole truth of a troubled mind. I, somewhere in myself, am morally broken. I am a functional addict, which has long been my curse. My mind is wired, not only on drugs, but psychologically. I feel like I walk this tightrope every day, performing and even feeling like I excel my responsibilites. Externally appearing fine to the world and my loved ones, but internally feeling like i am on the verge of catastrophic feeling.
I am so fucking sick of feeling that way. I am tired of avoiding it and refusing to address it. I am a master at bullshiting myself through my own bullshit rational which is probably the fine line that allows me to get out of bed out of the morning and continuing living the way I’ve been living. Amphetamines can barely keep me awake anymore. My mind is so tired, my soul is so deprive. I need to heal. I need to find peace. I want to be the man that they think I am.
for now due to how late it is getting this is now just the partial truth. more to come. have to wake up early on a sunday for a job I really dislike for money I need :-)
Nov 21st, 2015 10:51:30pm
Three months after this post I overdosed and spent several days in a coma. Now, a decade later, I read this and it gives me pause. What I would do to go back and tell this young man that it gets better — of what latent potential lay inside him.
to him I extend my hand and my love. He would find it unbelievable that his life would turn towards an education in science. That he has a masters and a job in drug discovery that inspires him. That he would lay his head on his bench after a long week of late nights at the lab - additional hours that come not from compensation, nor of coercion, but from his curiosity and his joy.
The path is never known. It is felt moment by moment as you are drawn out of yourself. The price of learning is steep — you pay with your attention. Once the power of attention is recognized, the human being can begin to manifest.