Colours of Grey

I’m a 28-year old survivor of suicide, who lives with mental illness – Severe Depression, Anxiety Disorder and a hint of Perfectionism.  My mental illness has been a part of me for as long as I can remember.  At the age of 11 I started cutting and at 13 I was diagnosed with depression. Which with age and more of life happening it’s been changed to severe depression etc etc etc…

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Time...

Hooray its Monday , again..

The term blue Monday has nothing on the feels I have waking up on a Monday. The weekend is no where near long enough anymore, seems like the older we get the faster time goes. Speaking of time where has is gone?

Feels like just yesterday I was waking up to the new year of 2018 and here we sit 6 months into the year already. Its like time has been placed on fast forward. Sad thing is we live in this world of fast forward, everything has to be done now and get finished now. No more waiting and having patience and living in the moment.

I have to admit that I am one of those happy people that live in fast forward. I have started learning to live in the moment again. The 6 year old me is screaming for some fun time and me time. Living in the moment, taking some time to look at the stars on a beautiful clear night. Stop off on the side of the road and watch the sunset on the bonnet of your car, and for once watching it with the lenses God gifted you with and not with the smart lenses that come with your new phone.

Living a full life consists of love, laughter, joy, pain, sorrow and all those wonderful and dreadful emotions we are born with. Without those emotions what type of beings are we?

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Successful day?

Waking up to the vibrating of my cell phone, the alarm has gone off and its time for work. The weekend is over its time to leave my bed. Monday has come around again and there's no escaping it. Waking up to be contemplating if work is important enough for me to actually leave my bed, the comfort zone, the place that feels familiar and safe. Check the time and I know if I don't get out of bed soon I'm going to be late.

Scroll down to my bosses name, open a new WhatsApp message and begin to type... Thinking of a few excuses not to go to work, I seem to have grown a hang for this type of thing now, I'm not even done with my first sentence and I stop. Tell myself to get out of the bed and get this day over and done with.

Rolling out of bed was the most difficult thing I've done this week and its only Monday. People will think that getting up in the morning is the easiest thing a person can do, well its not, and for people like me it can become the most difficult thing one can do.

I remember when I first started feeling depressed at age eleven, I would go to bed and cry myself to sleep. With every tear that fell I would ask God to take my life and make this pain go away. I would beg and plead to Him to not let me wake up in the morning. Which as you can tell never happened..

So waking up this morning and climbing out of the bed to go to work was an important part of my day, was it a successful day? Mmm I'm still thinking that one through...

[colofgrey-blog]

Life and times of the wanna be me (future me - cross fingers)

[colofgrey-blog]

First Time

I decided to start this blog after having a metal break down this year and thinking that my whole world was coming to an end. Crying for days with no end in sight, not a wink of sleep cause my insomnia was working overtime and finally the dark crippling thoughts of suicide creeping back into my mind like a rolling fog on the waters of a bay in early evening. I think falling apart finally brought the anger, shame and guilt I had been carrying all my life back up. Things I had forgotten, things I chose to forget and things my brain protected me from. As I begin this road trip of recovery, I realise that it is going to be a long and tiring journey not only mentally but emotionally as well. I’m figuring this blog is going to be one of my many coping mechanisms seen as though I don’t colour out the lines very much.

In addition to writing about my mental illness and having to put you through the torturous readings of my everyday life, I hope my thoughts and feelings, that’s being splashed onto the coding of the internet and this blog, will not only entertain you but help you through whatever life may be throwing at you at this very minute. Remember that you are not alone no matter how lonely you feel and there is always a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen and a heart that cares.

Thank you for reading and supporting me through my journey of self-discovery and recovery.