so hereās a fun story about this movie. guess who loves this movie? me! i do! i love this movie. i love this movie so much that when i was in the 7th grade and i saw āfirst wives club 2ā on pay per view i was like: HELL YEAH!! FIRST WIVES CLUB TWO!! NO ONE TOLD ME THERE WAS A SEQUEL!!!
hereās the synopsis for first wives club 2:
disgruntled first wives take their ex-husbandsā new lovers under their wing.
sounds great, right? awesome viewing material for a precocious 11-year-old.
so i buy this movie, and like, three minutes into it iām starting to feel suspicious?? like itās really low quality and my girls are nowhere in sight?? how come none of the first wives are the same?? how come theyāre alone in a bedroom with mood lighting?? why is she taking off her shirt?? why are they both taking off their shirts?? WHY ARE THEYā
hereās what i did not know about first wives club 2:
it is a lesbian porno of no relation to the beloved 1996 classic.
so of course i, horrified that iāve accidentally bought porn on my familyās account (and in that state of panic that kids work themselves into whenever anything regarding sex is mentioned), quickly shut off the TV and go upstairs and watch an episode of veggie tales to like, cleanse my soul and apologize to jesus, and thatās that.
you have to pay for pay per view.
so the end of the month comes and i have completely put this incident out of my mind, haha, i accidentally bought porn, how funny, TELL NO ONE. right? and iām sitting at a nice dinner with my mother, my stepfather, and my very religious aunt deb, and weāre just talking about farm things, whatever, when suddenly my mother puts her fork down and says, āokay, thereās something we need to discuss. as a family.ā
and iām like, running through a list of people i know who could conceivably be dead, and fantasizing about my mother announcing that sheās going to buy me My Own Computer Just Because U Earned It Kiddo, and she pulls out a piece of paper that says DIRECTV across the top. and iām like: OH NO.
"i received the tv bill today," my mother said, and i was like, shoveling potatoes into my mouth as fast as i could because i knew that when i went to PORN PRISON they werenāt going to feed me this kind of quality starch. "does anybody want to tell me who purchased the pornography?"
as a reminder, a quick table survey:
my mother, surprised and disappointed by the porn bill (innocent)
my stepfather, a grumbly old cowboy who just wants to sing along to kenny chesney and watch the hunt for red october (innocent)
my aunt deb, a super religious catholic whose best friend is a nun named Sister Placid (innocent)
me, the 11-year-old with a mouthful of potatoes who definitely purchased the lesbian pornography
my mother said, āiām not going to ask again.ā
my aunt looked at my stepdad. my stepdad looked at my aunt. NOBODY LOOKED AT ME, THE 11-YEAR-OLD WITH A MOUTHFUL OF POTATOES WHO DEFINITELY PURCHASED THE LESBIAN PORNOGRAPHY.
my mother shook her head and put the bill down. āthis was incredibly inappropriate,ā she said. āskip, deb, whoever. buy that shit on your own time. iām not paying for it. what if molly had seen it?ā
WHAT IF MOLLY HAD SEEN IT?
"donāt expose my kid to that crap."
"if you want to watch porn, fine, but do it in private and donāt expect me to pay for it. i canāt believe one of you did that in the living room."
I CANāT BELIEVE ONE OF YOU DID THAT
but molly, why didnāt you own up to it and explain that it was an accident?
i did not want to go to porn prison
the fun conclusion to this story is that i never owned up to it, which means that there are 3 people in the world who have not solved the mystery of the lesbian porn. a quick survey:
my mother, who lives every day wondering whose porn she paid for
my stepfather, who probably wishes he knew less about his wifeās sisterās porn preferences
my aunt, who probably wishes she knew less about her sisterās husbandās porn preferences
but molly, why donāt you own up to it now, with the safety of time and distance and the knowledge that porn prison isnāt real?
this is the best thing iāve ever done
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