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Shit Load of Fuck: “Draw an ass ton of cards; seriously, full liberty to draw 2 or 3 cards if you want.”

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‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage: 8HLTH “When you use ‘Scoop Slam’ with this card, it works on all opponent companions in play. When you use ‘Elbow Drop’ with this card, it removes all companions opponent owns”

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A Giant Cucumber With Bad Breath: 2HLTH 2DAM “Oh fuck, the stank is awful! Your breath attack does 1 DAM every round to a selected target (companion)” 

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Jimmy John: 4HLTH “You can spend 1 heart from this card to heal another companion for the same amount spent”

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Barkback & Woodie: “They get fuck together and get fucked together. This card can attack twice per turn; or choose 1 companion, both the target and this card can no longer attack or be attacked” The tree-rape lasts as long as they want to or need to. 

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Jump Pack: “Equip this card to a companion and block an attack by a 5 or 6 on a D6″

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Suplex: “Make any attack on a targeted companion for 2 damage” (can be used by itself or used with a companions attack)

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The Ultimate Warrior: 6HLTH 10DAM “On the round he is activated, he can attack as much as he wants. Lose 2DAM per attack he makes that round”

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Shit Nugget Scavenger: “Draw 2 cards from the discard pile”

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C.R.E.A.M. : “Gain 100 points per bill you have!”

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Look Upon My Works, Ye Mighty, and Dispair: “Look at them. They have so much. Play this against the player with the most cards. They lose 4.”

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O How the Mighty Have Fallen: “Remember that player who used to be big pimpin’? Look at them now. Play this card and the player who used to have the most points loses a turn.”

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Excalibur: “All companions roll a d20. If a 20 is rolled, that companion gains Excalibur. +3 DAM +2HP”

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Dream Wall: “This card can use 1 attack card to return a non-companion card back to the owners hand. Effect can be used out of turn.”

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The Cartel: “This shit real scary. I hear they work with ISIS. All white people must lose a life”

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The Sound of Music: “All players shuffle their iPods for 1 round [for all to hear]”

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Gold DEagle (equip): “Each attack you make gains you 50 pts”