A Train of Feels

Books-anime-manga-quotes-happiness-blogs-thoughts-feels

[commandermardukas]

One of my fave saezuru illustration like Yashiro and Doumeki on a talk show...

Y: remember that time you punched Inami in Ch16?

D: Yes. I punched him twice now.

Y: twice?

D: Did it again in Ch54. Who knows what I'll do next.

Y: 😍

[saezurusteve]

I'm sorry... no I'm not. This is a S.P.O.I.L.E.R! Please don't quote me, though I think me and Papagoogoo are pretty right on this one. HAHA! I couldn't resist because this is the best scene they've ever done where someone didn't eat Yashiro's foot. THIS IS THEIR FUTURE!! Husbands much?

[commandermardukas]

"The thing that I was truly desiring..."

Love..

This is the thing that he truly desires. Affection. Tenderness. Care. Love...

But at the same time it is the thing that scares him the most. True enough it's like a curse that always binds him. The curse that love brings. The curse of loving and of wanting love. The curse of not getting the love he truly deeply desires. The most painful curse.

That's why he tried to run away from it, trample it, kill it. But it was futile. This curse is haunting him. And he is searching for it. Waiting for it. Desiring for it.

Yashiro is always at this curse's mercy. Always helpless at its feet.

[commandermardukas]

Power couple cover

[commandermardukas]

I don't know how to express how excited I am for Saezuru vol 8. I've been in this rollercoaster ride for so looooong already. My first BL friends were back here in tumblr and it was because of this story. We get crazy, we cry, we scream, we analyze and overanalyze even and then cry some more. Here we are... now in the 8th volume of this emotional rollercoaster. And I'm feeling emotional. 

I think no matter what happens Saezuru is my ultimate favorite BL. Yashiro and Doumeki has a special place in my heart. I know there's nothing but pain and a lot of sexual tension in this volume but... let's go for a happy ending ok... just hang on tight. Doumeki will save Yashiro no matter what... even if he becomes darkness himself.

[transparentduckbird]

Saezuru volume 8 Pop up illustration ✨✨

[commandermardukas]

So vol 7 and vol 8 covers are so beautiful.. like a pair. Vol 7 is post time skip solo of Doumeki. And Vol 8 is Yashiro. These cover arts are gorgeous. I loooooove them.

[commandermardukas]

Umbrella

I’ve said before that my favorite illustration is this.

Doumeki with an umbrella is something so metaphorically beautiful.

And again in this scene when Yashiro literally and verbally tries to kick him out of the car.. out of his life. Doumeki returns with an umbrella. Saying he won’t leave Yashiro.

Doumeki’s message.. that umbrella. There is so much to say. But perhaps this picture will say a lot.

P.S. In an extra which probably is the continuation of that favorite illustration. Once Doumeki got back to where Yashiro was waiting and gave the umbrella.. Yashiro said:

Indeed Doumeki is late. Yashiro has already endured so much rain in life before Doumeki the knight with the shining umbrella came to the rescue.

Yashiro’s reactions in this chapter 32.. who can blame him. He is already so soaked and drowning in that rain that he doesn’t see what use an umbrella can still do at this point in time. Yashiro needs some more time. 

Source of second image

[commandermardukas]

Putting this out here again because the new illustration of Yoneda Kou is again Doumeki with an umbrella... shielding Yashiro from the rain.. Umbrella and the Rain.. are very fitting for Saezuru. It symbolizes their love and their pain.

[lustfulcat]

CHAPTER 49 SPOILERS ARE HAPPENING!!!

Doumeki is carrying Yashiro like he’s done so many times before except this time Yashiro is awake for it. I love the push/pull between them, Yashiro holding on but then trying to push Doumeki away but Doumeki isn’t having it.

[commandermardukas]

The way Doumeki looks at Yashiro... and vice versa. It's just filled with a lot of feelings.

The way Doumeki holds him close tightly. And Yashiro with his hand still hesitating but also about to cling.

[transparentduckbird]

Yoneda Kou Sensei 2021 illustration,Art and sketch

[lustfulcat]

Oh How The Turn Tables

When I did meta for Chapter 46 I spoke extensively about the reverse dynamic; however, in Chapter 47, Yoneda Kou really brings it home in a way we all didn’t expect. Yashiro is impotent.

Apparently, Yashiro has been impotent for the last four years which, to me, explains a lot. He’s still Yashiro but there’s been something subdued about his character (yes even when he’s wrecking a pet store) it’s more like in the quiet moments, he’s not himself. He’s not the lacivious smug jerk he was in volume one. And that’s because a core coping mechanism that he relies on has been altered.

Let’s dig deeper. Yashiro has responded to the sexual trauma of his youth by being promiscuous and that enables him to avoid feelings. He drives away or fires anyone who gets emotionally close to him and whenever someone even hints at something more than surface level, he brushes it off.

Also, his old trauma has been added to. Let’s not discount how bad things got four years ago. Not only was he shot, he lost the movement in his right arm for a period of time, and he was on the run. THEN he is practically choked to death by Hirata, has his head bashed in with a rock, and loses sight in one eye (also Yashiro not being able to see out of one eye is totally symbolic of him only seeing one side of himself but that’s another entire meta post.) I’m sorry but that would leave anyone shook. Plus (and @saezurumurmurs​ and I were talking about this on twitter) once you age, you start to feel your mortality strongly. I think Yashiro, nearing 40 and dealing with his death more than once in a short time, was shook down to his core.

Now, let’s couple that with how he felt during sex with Doumeki. Because Doumeki broke through all of Yashiro’s walls. He got close to Yashiro, felt something for Yashiro, and survived all of Yashiro’s lame firings. And Yashiro got emotionally close to him, enough that when Doumeki was in imminent danger, Yashiro broke down in the shower. Doumeki took the initiative once Yashiro’s walls were down (because when does that happen, really? just once before in Tadayoedo?) and proceeded to show Yashiro what true, caring, gentle sex is. And let me tell you, having sex with someone who cares about you is something else. It was so very different than what Yashiro was used to - it fed his soul.

It was the apple that Yashiro took a bite out of, bringing him knowledge that – combined with all the trauma from above – left him bereft.  And Yashiro wishes he hadn’t had a taste of that apple because then he wouldn’t know what he was missing. Doumeki truly was forbidden fruit that - once eaten - changed Yashiro’s world.

And even though Yashiro’s mind doesn’t remember Doumeki, Yashiro’s body does and he becomes impotent. It doesn’t stop him though, he still resorts to old patterns, which results in further trauma: in this chapter, during sex with Inami, Yashiro remembers being assaulted and beaten in an alley, and the rough session with Inami – especially now that Doumeki is back in the picture – no longer feels like sex, it feels like what Yashiro experienced at the hands of his uncle.

So for four years Yashiro has been unable to perform, until Chapter 44 when Doumeki holds him in the shower. That’s why Yashiro furiously beats off after their encounter, and once he’s done says “Four years, huh?” aklshalhs  And that’s also why in Chapter 46 Doumeki says WERE YOU PENT UP? after their encounter because Yashiro was; he was so pent up that he was daydreaming about kissing (and tbh Doumeki has such swagger now that he’d get anyone up, Yashiro didn’t stand a chance.)

In this chapter, Yashiro runs to Inami to compare how Inami made him feel vs how Doumeki made him feel (and we know who the winner is here.) During sex with Inami Yashiro thinks of Doumeki because now only Doumeki can satisfy him; which is hilarious because before the timeskip, only Yashiro who could get Doumeki up. Clearly, they are made for each other.

But there are some hurdles. After all this time, Doumeki isn’t going to be the one to initiate, to show feelings. That’s on Yashiro now; this relationship won’t move any further unless Yashiro gets in touch with his emotions and admits his love. And stops being so stubborn. Of course, Yashiro isn’t just sleeping with Inami for recreation, he’s also trying to get information - which is exactly what Doumeki told him NOT to do and is classic Yashiro. He was doing this in Chapter 1 so why stop now. In this chapter he’s trying to find out about Okuyama, and when Inami drops Yashiro off back at his building Doumeki is there, wanting to know what is going on. He rudely tells Inami to leave (which I’m dying at btw) and Inami nopes the fuck out of there because he’s not collecting ass beatings. Yashiro is less than pleased. He tells Doumeki that the visit was “just business” and he’s “not a guard dog anymore” and Doumeki is like “well…what about the arrangement” (you know, where you only sleep with me bc you’re a handful and I have to watch that you don’t interfere with our group’s business) and Yashiro answers with “I don’t think I’m going to take you up on that” (because I still want to be in control even though I only respond to you) and Doumeki basically says YOU WILL.

And you know what? Yashiro will because a few times during this chapter we see how Yashiro sees Doumeki. Like when he’s on the cover, all devoted and intense, and here, with a small smile on his face. Despite all his bluster, Yashiro is besotted and it’s only a matter of time until he gives in. His coping mechanism doesn’t work anymore so he can’t keep his feelings bottled up. And if he wants to cope, he needs to use Doumeki.

Can I mention that in certain panels, Doumeki looks like volume one Yashiro? The part of the hair, the self-assured smugness? And Yashiro is more confused, more vulnerable, looking like Doumeki in earlier volumes as well. So we’ve come full circle. And where will we go from here? Hopefully forward. Yoneda Kou is confirmed for the next issue of ihrHertz, so chapter 48 he we come! 

Other things of note:

-In the first pages of the chapter you see Nanahara watching over Yashiro from a distance when Doumeki takes him away from Inami at the end of chapter 45-beginning of chapter 46.  I love that he was lowkey trailing them.

-Which leads to another part of the chapter: SUGIMOTO IS BACK. Our boy is lookin fine and him and Nanahara have a discussion about if Yashiro should be out by himself and/or needs a guard and, for some reason, this time Nanahara isn’t keeping an eye on him. But Doumeki is *fingerguns*

[saezurusteve]

I couldn't resist. They just look like they need a quiet place to be alone.

[happyheidi]

When C.S. Lewis wrote “but some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.”

[fernstrike]

When I read this age 6 I didn’t understand it at all. I didn’t believe you could grow out of fairytales. Age 24, I understand it now. It’s not about growing out of fairytales, but discovering them once again, and fitting the last piece into a puzzle you didn’t quite know you were trying to solve.

At some point, sooner or later, the grief of the world hits you like a sledgehammer, and you’re left reeling and hollow. Everything is wan and grey, beaten down and hard, cruel and senseless. You are unmoored, so you go back to what has moored humankind for the millennia that our species has defied death to survive - you go back to stories.

You go back to the heroes, the knights and the castles, the brave stable boys with naught to their name and the villainous sorcerers that can be outwitted by guileful princesses. You go back to magic. Fairytales remind you of when the world was new (to you) and the boundaries of belief did not exist, for magic was in the everyday, equal parts ordinary and extraordinary. You recover what was lost.

I get it now, Jack. I get it.

[la-cruciatus]

[la-cruciatus]

[la-cruciatus]