2am winter break thoughts
I think I’m getting a migraine because I have many blind spots and I can’t see what I’m typing after I type it so there may be typos. I’ll see if I can catch what I can. Anyway, I’ve been pushing the people who matter most to me away lately. I do it all the time and I’m not really sure how to stop. My typical excuse is to tell myself that I’m too busy, I have everyone that I need to be happy, I don’t have any energy to give people the time they deserve. No, in reality I’m being a shitty person and a terrible friend. I’m in a rut and I can’t get out of it. Also, I’m really nervous to student teach, it seems like everyone else in my cohort is so ready and then there’s me. Im so nervous and I’m bringing myself down by co sisterly thinking I’m not good enough. I’ve never been like this, I’ve never been able to talk myself so low and let it affect me as hard as it is now. Fuck. I also need to stop drinking. I think I’m doing it for attention sometimes. Male attention that is. You see, I’m very lonely, so lonely that I’ve been contemplating texting my ex of over a year ago, who’s very happy with someone new right now. Why does he get to be so happy? What did I do wrong? Why am I still asking myself what I did wrong? Why didn’t I try to fight for him more? Why AM I ASKING THESE QUEATIONS. I know, this is the longest stretch I’ve ever had with no one. Not a single person who knows more about me than any of my friends, not a single person who asks me about my day. I really want someone to ask me how my day went. Even if it’s the most incredibly boring day I’ve had in forever, I just want to tell someone who wants to listen. I’m not going to find that someone at the bar, maybe a short term fix but no I’m tired of those. They don’t work anymore, I need to feel something. I to feel genuinely wanted so badly but I don’t even know where to start to get there.
Okay now I really need to sleep because I have to shop early in the morning for Christmas
