CommonCurtians

20 something and idk anything

[catchymemes]

[lelif]

grieving the person you used to be

marian keyes// ?// bigger than the whole sky, taylor swift// fiona apple// @inkskinned// would've, could've, should've, taylor swift// father, the front bottoms// @inanotherunivrse// ?// memento mori, crywank// @dakotajohnsongf// @ryebreadgf// quote: deathless, catherynne m. valente edit:? // bojack horseman s6 e16// a pearl, mitski// would've, could've,should've, taylor swift// ?// ?// ?// @heavensghost

[cowpokeprose]

You hate yourself so loudly. You hate yourself at the top of your lungs. Your loathing for yourself permeates your speech. “Sorry I’m just rambling.” “Don’t worry about it.” “Just ignore me.” “Sorry if I’m annoying you.” “Sorry I don’t make sense.” “Sorry about that.” Sorry, sorry, sorry. You act as if you have to beat everyone else to the punch. As if the punching bag is you. If you hate yourself first, if you hate yourself loudest, then nobody will hurt you. You clapped your hands over your ears and shut your eyes and balled yourself up so that you’d never have to experience people’s loathing for you. And it meant you never heard their love. You drowned it out. You screamed your hatred over it. And you never got to hear it. 

[commoncurtains]

Single word prompt: T-shirt.

Your T-shirt finally got a hole in it today. Right at the left armpit where the seams meet. My mother has been telling me it will rip for weeks and I knew It would eventually at the rate I wear it. Naively I had a little hope it wouldn’t. It’s so easy to make up a little world in my head where your clothes are made with magic and they’ll last as long as I hold them. But now I can fit three fingers in a hole in your shirt that wasn’t there when you wore it and saying that out loud makes me close to tears.

Again, it’s a naive way of thinking but I wish you could just last forever. Your sister came by a month ago and got the last of your things. The shirt was shoved in my pillow case where it lives when it’s not on my body and she most definitely didn’t care enough to double check anything in the bag I handed her on my front porch. It’s not that I intentionally kept the shirt. I feel a bit guilty even now as I wear it, but I just forgot about it mixed up in the whirlwind of birthday presents and hoodies you “accidentally” left behind, and by the time I realized I still had it I couldn’t bring myself to look at her again.

If I close my eyes and really concentrate it still smells like you. It’s faint and I may just be making it up but it’s so distinctly you I can’t let it go.

It’s been four months and people still apologize when they mention your name around me. I still haven’t seen your mom since the funeral and I may never be able to because I know when I look at her I’ll just see your eyes. I was allowed to go back to school two months ago but I still get stares and can hear the hush of whispers as I walk down the hall.

Maybe the hole in the shirt is sign from god or something. I have a strong feeling that’s what you’d say. A sign I need to start healing. You would say it and out you hand on my knee and I would roll my eyes. Most of my time lately has been spent thinking about what you’d be doing in any situation.

The counselor at school told me I should write you letters like this. He said something about it being a healthy coping mechanism but I’m definitely not coping. You won’t read this. I won’t send it to anyone. Heaven doesn’t have an address and even if it did God and I haven’t been on speaking terms recently. I think I’m going to patch the hole. This would be the great place for a beautifully painful metaphor but you always hated those.

[commoncurtains]

I keep looking up.

I keep squinting and trying to look through the clouds.

I keep pushing through layer after layer of a thick haze that’s engulfing me.

I keep thinking I see a ray or light through the smog.

I keep imagining what life is like above these clouds where the air is clear.

I keep looking up.

And I’m starting to remember how to fly.

[commoncurtains]

I’m outgrowing my friends. Like a pair of shoes I wore till holes appeared at the toe. I stretched them and squeezed my feet inside so my heels rubbed and my toes curled. I loved those shoes. The blue on the sides then way the silver aglets caught the light. I didn’t want to outgrow those shoes. After one too many times ending up with bloodied heels my mother threw them in the trash can.

[danger]

Hailstorm  by  Maya Beano 

[commoncurtains]

11/13

it’s something in the way the light shines through glass that reminds me letting go of what once was doesn’t always leave a scar

[commoncurtains]

the girl has folded herself into all the cracks and crevices she can manage.

her voice has been twisted and mangled till it’s just a sister of what once was.

her head never seems to stop screaming and her hands always shake.

she’s spinning on a wheel that won’t let her off.

-it’s been two years and words finally flow from my fingers again

[commoncurtains]

you make me miss happiness

[praggya1993]

The twinkling dream ended somewhere

Somewhere along the way,

Although we ran and chased it

With a rapid pace

But somewhere you gave up

And got tired to take another step.

Now your golden stare

Shines only at night

Amongst the dusky sky outside.

Your soft voice trembles through

Only the memories that you left behind.

And although I love to

Glance endlessly at your silhouette,

But you've become that star now

That only seems to

Bite my wounds every time.

[northgang]

Lily Myers Shrinking Women (X)

[buttonpoetry]

Check out the amazing full poem here:

[wordpowderkeg]

moving on doesn’t mean you can’t look in your rear view mirror. it’s okay to slow down. it’s okay to stop.

—just don’t turn the car around

[ninasdrafts]

“In this moment, it’s all in her eyes. Sadness and anger both, each shining bright enough to stand on their own. Right now she’s capricious, a loose cannon, a bomb with its fuse already lit. And she doesn’t know how to snap out of it. Honestly, she’s not certain anymore that she wants to. Because she’s been taught to bottle it all up, to hide her true emotions in a men’s world whenever they do not serve to please them, always with a stupidly polite smile painted on her lips. But her truth is hidden deeper. Her truth is something darker. She’s climbed mountains in search of it, parted waves in the coldest oceans, strolled through forests at night with her eyes closed, with only the moon watching over her. She’s searched for it kissing strangers and dancing with wolves, always on her guard, always on the lookout. But sometimes it’s not that far off. Sometimes it’s hidden in places you thought you’d seen for all they were. And then, all of a sudden, there’s more to them. There’s more to you. And she finds her truth somewhere she’d never thought to look before.”

— all along, her truth was in her / n.j.

[noroithecurse2005-deactivated20]

happy earth day. reminder that the pentagon is the world’s largest polluter and any environmental movement must be unequivocally anti-war and anti-imperialist in order to be effective

[milamai]

Dancing with wildflowers (by Milamai)

[commoncurtains]

What Goes Unwished // April 2

Looking up there at emptiness seems too simple.

It’s just a small favor I promise I won’t ask again

But I’ve called and knocked and cried and tried everything I know to get them to listen.

Maybe I’ve been wishing on a satellite all along.